Spiky my love!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR just had to start off with that!

Thank you so much baby for putting what you did on your blog!!!
I love all of the support that I am getting thank you so much for that and thank all of you who have come to visit you have no idea what it means to me to have love in my life!!!!!!!

I dont have time for anything else right now but all is moving along not so smoothly but its moving and I have 21 days!!!! ahhhhhhhh are you kidding me?

I love you all and Jade baby kisses and hugs and keep your head up I'm sure by the time you read this you will be home from your crazy weekend!!!!
Sweet spiky you melt me honey!! I was talking about you the other day and someone told me I was blushing when I was saying your name!!! How is that possible!!! I love you dearly my sweet
Kisses and touches to you!!! xoxoxoxo

Recovery and Reality!

Wow guys so sorry it has been such a long time since I have posted but more than I can ever begin to imagine has happened, really to much to go into and still trying to believe myself what has happened..
So we will go with a really short version which starts out with me arriving and ending up in an AA meeting about 4 weeks ago....
My life was seriously going out of control and it was happening all to fast!
I am happy to say that I have 18 days of sobriety today.... may not sound like a whole hell of alot but to me it is,, I fight the urges to drink and pop pills every minute of everyday but I am going to beat this,,,, I have no fucking doubt!
I am currently live in a Sober Living house which is going really good, I have one house mate who is a male which is a bit disappointing but hey we cant always get what we want can we!!!! wink wink
Anyways I'm hitting at least 2 to 3 AA meeting daily and taking substance abuse classes Monday thru Thursday!!!
I get to see Chance whenever I feel strong enough to do so in fact he will be spending the whole day with me tomorrow!
I can't wait!!!!!
I have made some very sweet friends in AA and have also found an amazing crush however as it goes for me and my luck she is in a relationship,,,, go figure!! heehee I'm behaving Jade I promise!!!! muah muah muah!! I want to see you soon poopie!
Thank you Lulu for posting what you did and I'm sorry I could not do it myself but I just could not face it!!
I love you all and think of you daily!!!!!!
Kisses Toni!!!!

You all make me so happy I love all of you

fuck it im open for all to read now

Here's to you Spiky!!!! You my sweet make me purrrrrrrrrrr!

Libra (9/23-10/22)
Your mantra for today should be 'Keep it Simple'! If you are faced with too many details to contend with, you might get too overwhelmed, which could set you down a very grumpy path for the rest of this fun-filled day. So try hard to resist the urge to overcomplicate things or to make them exactly how you want them to be. Today, good enough is good enough. This is a good day to learn the lesson about letting go and just accepting how things end up.

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later. For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Hello everyone or anyone who checks this page anymore,,,,,,
I just wanted you to know I'm ok,,,, well basically I am surviving! Not really living but I am moving on day to day!!!
This blog seems so off for me lately and I cannot seem to find my way back to it but please know that I read all of you all the time and I'm here in spirit if nothing else.

JADE

I just wanted to take sometime a send out a thank you not to Jade,,,,,,,,bade you are an amazing wonderful and beautiful woman, you took my call last night after months of no real communication from me and held me together, you Jade are fucking a true friend and I really do love you sweetie!!!Thank you for helping me while I was in the darkest place I have ever been in. I can honestly say that without you last night I don't know if I would even be here today.... thank you for helping me save my own life last night. I truly love you honey!!

Also to Julia sweetie Im sorry the call did not go through however until I get my new phone up and running they have to keep my line suspended from others (the ones who stole it) from using it. I'm hoping to get my new one in the mail on Monday!

I love you all so deeply!!!

Thanks to Jade I am here the take another breath and to have been able to see my sons face this morning! Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend.... I'm keeping you babe!!!

Trying my hardest to take the good with the BAD!

First off I HATE MY JOB!!!

Honestly I have never been so unhappy being in a work environment in my life!

I hate this company and all it stands for!!! I love love love my patients but other than them I hate this life here.

I need a new job!

I hate going to school and cannot seem to get into it at all!

I'm more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life-is that really possible?

I have pictured myself driving in my car and being hit by someone more times that I would like to admit. I hate that I do not want to be here, I love my son more that any fucking thing but I just don't want to be here anymore.

Weird thing is I'm not even scared to not be here other than the thought of being without Chance which just makes me sick but I don't know what else to do.

I feel like I try try try and for what? I want Chance to be proud of his mommy and god knows that if he knew the truth about me he would be simply be embarrassed, and who would blame him?

I have going to therapy and it is fucking pointless, nothing works........... NOTHING!

I had to leave my yoga class the other day because I thought I was going to have a freaking heart attack, now that I think about it maybe I should have stayed!

OMFG

SERIOUSLY, 2 WEEKS AGO MY PHONE WAS STOLEN OUT OF MY OFFICE AT WORK,,,,,,,,, TODAY AGAIN MY PHONE AND WALLET WERE STOLEN.

Please someone tell me how to not have a fucking meltdown bigger than I just had.

This all happened after I wrote the above!
I really cannot deal anymore.

I want to be fucking done!

Today is my bosses last day and all is a wreck!!!! ERRRRRI

9-11

I received this email today and it just seemed all to fitting to post.


'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'

You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news On September 11, 2001. Neither will I. I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK..I am ready to go.' I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night. I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now.' I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered. I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them. I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan . I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me? I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there. I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me? Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you . But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are 'ready to go.' I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

Not so much into the blogging right now but I wanted all to know I keep up with all of you!!! Sorry just a bit withdrawn!

The DMV is so my new friend!

SO I just got off the phon with the DMV and they received my poilce report which stated that I blew a .06 and gues what........................... they dismissed my case!!!!

THANK EFFING GOD!

I still go to court but at least I get my licence back instead of this horrible pink DUI paperwork!!!

Crazy weekend for me, packed the whole time and had dinner with a sweet but VERY young friend.. ugh whats my problem!!!

Anyways not much to say today just wanted to give new bit of info especially for you Jade!!!! Muah darlin and thank you for the sweeties email!

Oh and here is my new cut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you hate it????

Hoping for the best...Expecting the WORST

SO here is a bit of an update...... Things are going ok I guess, I started school yesterday which felt really good, along with my prep for nursing school & human development class I'm taking a yoga and step class,, together it is a bit of 3 hours 2 times a week,,, not bad for starters I guess and it felt so amazing to got off my lazy booty again...
Also I made a phone call to the Napa County Police Department and the woman I spoke with checked the report and it DID say that I blew a .06.. I needed to make sure of this because I had to file an appeal to not have issues or charges pressed by the DMV and when I spoke with the SF DMV they said that if they got my paperwork and it stated the I did blow that then they would dismiss my case and not press charges,,,, so please all of you I know I fucked up but please please please keep your fingers crossed for me.. I cannot deal with that.. I do however still have to go to court to face the charges from Napa County on the 18th. Who the hell knows what the deal will be with that but it is just my arraignment where I plea Guilty or Not Guilty.... NOT GUILTY is what I'm going with (I think)!

My move is slow but it is happening, I have to be out by the 9th of next month which is hell with all that is going on right now but I am really trying to stay positive! Little C is doing great he is staying with my parents quite a bit so that I am able to get packing done and get things taken care of.
I miss him so much when he is not with me but I do know he is in great hands to say the least.
I have seen my roomie since our fight but have talked to her here and there but only about the move and our landlord. I'm so over our friendship. I hate to say that because we have been friends for 15 years but damn you don't treat your friends the way she treats me. At least not true friends.
Love life well,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ugh way to much drama now. That seems to be the one of many parts of my life I will just never get a hold of.
Mia is strong right now but I know I have gained back what I lost and it makes me so freaking insane!!!!! I refuse to even get on the scale way to scared...............!
Still trying my hardest to not drink, but had a huge bit o shit to deal with on Friday and did have a few however I never left my house!!! I think I learned my lesson. I hope I did because 2 DUI's is no effing good!
Well I miss all of you dearly "all that are left" and the ones gone....muah muah muah DG!!!

When it rains it really does,,,,,I mean really really does!

Oh my god!!
Seriously none of you will believe this one!!!
My weekend:::::::(
Ok so it started out pretty good my roomie and I decided to go downtown to a few of the local bars,,,
we were having a really great time together, we both drank alot and we ended up at a bar that I really don't like going to because to many people there think they know me and can talk shit about my personal life,,, well as it turned out M was there (please say you remember him) and my roomie hates him I told her to effing chill out because I was with her and had no intention to hangout with him... she is so the jealous type HOWEVER when we all decided to leave I decided I was going to stay at my moms, and my roomie went home. Or so I thought.. On my drive to my moms she decided to follow me to see if I was really going to go there which I did but I also was talking with M on the phone and he wanted to talk so I agreed... I met him and we went back to his house, which is where I discovered I was way to drunk to even be there.. I ended up getting upset with him and started to cry,,,,,,,,, errrrrr not the right one to cry infront of... thank god he knew I was drunk and was actually very sweet with me. Well when I got to my moms that next morning I checked my text messages which there just so happend to be 5 from my roomie... see she is supposed to go camping this week and she was saying in the texts that she was going to cancel her trip because she did not want M in HER house,,, are you kidding me Sarah???? So I bucked up and called her at 7:30 in the morning...hahaha she starts yelling and screaming at me that I was a lier and that all I did was lie about M.. (like it was any of her fucking business) well to make a long story shot I gave her my 30 day notice........ FUCKING FINALLY!!!!
So here is more......
My mom and I ended up going downtown to go to the yearly Peddlers Fair we do this every year on her B-day.. Well this year we basically walked right past everything and headed to lunch and lemon drops,,,, had 2 there and then did a bit of shopping,,, then we went to the next pit stop and had another drink.. We were there for quite awhile and then headed to the next..... had a beer and maybe 3 sips out of another,, we ordered more food there and left to go home,,, well on are way home we fucking stopped for something else to eat!! I know so gross..... my mom and I sat down and started watching "Rumor Has It" and my mom passed out asleep... I decided that since it was my bestest friends son birthday I was going to go see them in Napa, so I got in the shower and got ready. about an hour later I jumped in my jeep and headed to Napa which is only like 30 min away.. Well I guess I may have been swirving however I honestly felt fine, shit it had been almost 3 1/2 hours..
WELL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Next thing I notice I have 3 yes 3 police cars behind me all with their lights flashing............. fuck HEIDI
I stopped and had to get out and do the field sobriety test which I thought I passed but instead they said well we still think you are under the influence..... they took my jeep and thank god parked it in a near by parking lot instead of to the impound.. They hand cuffed me yep that's right and put me in the back seat,,, ps if you have never sat in one those things are like fucking plastic rocks! They took me to the station and I ended up blowing a .06... well I guess they were not happy with that because they also drew my blood which I have no idea how that came out but long horrible scary story and 5 hours later they let me leave. Called me a cab and I drove home.... I cannot even believe this shit happened as I type it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I was arrested, needless to say I will not be drinking for a very very very long time....
I cannot even go into what happened inside because it makes me sick to even think about it!
I called the police station today because they gave me a court date of Sept 18th and they took my DL and gave me some form to take to the DMV. However they marked on the form that I blew a .08 or higher... I have no idea what to do because the cop told me I blew a .06..... I do not want to turn in some paperwork to the DMV when it is not what happened. Well the cop that I talked to today said I COULD NOT get a copy of my report until my court date!!!!!!! WTH is up with that?
God I really do hope this was a good thing that happened....... or at least has some good outcome!
Holy hell!! I'm beat and lets just say MIA is not happy!!
PS Spiky my sweet,,,,,,, to answer your question to getting help,, the answer is oh yes many times,,,, many hospital stays 3 inpatient facilities and way to many therapist to count!!!
I miss you!!

WTF

Oh my god it is amazing to me how even when people completely fuck up their own life I can still hate mine more........................case and point......... My brother has been dating the psycho woman on and off for the last 2 years lets call her W,,,, Well when they broke up this last time he went and slept with his other psycho ex will call her L... well L called my brother the other day and told her that she was prego.............so last night both psycho girl decided to gang up and brake all the windows in my brothers car and total his motorcycle........... (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME)! So my brilliant brother calls my parents with the news today and my parents both tell him that he needs to get his shit together and make some pretty big changes in his life,,, so what does my brother go do???????????????????????
I'll tell you what the dumb ass did,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 2 hours later he goes and gets married to W......... Yep that's right he is now married to psycho #1 and expecting a baby from psycho #2.....................
I'm so pissed off at him I can't even think straight.. not only that but my other brother found out 2 weeks ago that his gf (amazing woman) was prego and they got married last weekend........WTF both of my brothers are now married and I did not get to go to either wedding..............ERRRRRRRRR.
Now there is me and my baby sister left not married, she is the smart one out of us 5 that's for sure. I feel so pathetic..................... No one wanted to marry me when I got prego,, shit I know it would have been horrible had I married him but wtf.
I want to B/P right this second but won't because it has happened 3 times today already and I'm feeling like shit!
Good thing is my weight is still dropping,,,,, slowly, but it is and that is where I'm at right now!!!
I know I sound so neg lately and I'm sorry for that,,, well if there is anyone out there that still reads this shit but that's just where I at right now.... FED UP!

How??

How is it possible that I can read over and over stories of people dying from bulimia and be scared to death about them and turn around and still continue to engage?
Will this world of constant B/P'ng ever cease to exist?
Seeing the number drop brings me nothing but joy......
I hate this world of fucking eating disorders..............
Why was I one of the chosen to live like this....
I can't sleep for anything lately, I'm up stressed all the time, I have nightmares all the time, one after another after another after another......................
I'm starting school next week and I have found myself trying to figure out how in the hell I am going to maintain my ed and school and being a mom and working all at once.
What if I fail at one of them what if I let one of them down?
I hate that my ed is my soul companion.... its not fair that I have to suffer with this.
It's just not fucking fair.
I'm sick and tired of hearing people tell me that I look like I have lost more weight, luckily I have had strep throat and have been able to blame some of it on that.. All that does when people say those sort of things is put me on the defense and make me angry and I am not that kind of person.
I find myself not caring about my relationships with men and women and hiding and running away from all of them just so I don't have to feel the pain of them walking out one me. Why in gods name would I ever let someone do that to me again? Not gonna happen, I will be the one to leave first mark my word on that!

Sweet Little C..... He Lights Up My Life!

Making cookies with auntie titi

new haircut..... I could not take it anymore!!! haha

Good, Bad or WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!

So I just got off the scale and for the first time in over a year I remembered what it felt like to lose weight....
I am 3 lbs below my goal weight,,,, I know it will probably be back up tomorrow and I really could give a shit less but for today it feels great.
I'm sorry if this is triggering for anyone but for me it is what I need to vent on.
It scares me to have lost and excites me in a way that only I think us who are struggling from and ed can understand.
I want to do a cartwheel like I did when I was younger every time I got excited about something..
I think the most weird part is that when I am at a less weight I actually feel like that number is going to be so high and that I will freak when I see it. But even if only for today I am a bit smaller I am at peace,,, I know its a sick way to be at peace but for today I simply just don't give a poop.
I need peace in my life.
I deserve some right?

Wow can this be anymore boring?? I mean seriously!

Sleepy girl snap out of it!
That is the best I have today..
So much has been going on in my life it has been unreal! Some good some bad but the best part is that I'm going back to school next month and so cannot wait,,, also starting a 2 hour yoga 2x a week and 1.5 hour step class 2 timws a week and that is really exciting to because my lazy butt needs to get back into shape.
My mom is really worried about me working out that much but she knows I'm gonna do what I wanna do.... that's that!
Not sure if I posted about this or not but my mom was Really sick a few weeks ago and thank god is doing much better, but she has had some of her own eating issues come back up for her and finally talked to me about them the other day, she was scared to because she thought she would be a trigger,,, I told her never, and that it made me feel better to have her talk to me because sometimes it just makes me feel not so alone in this shity world of ed... My mom was ana for a very long time and has been in recovery for a long time as well but still has issues from time to time. don't we all!
Anyways today is also 10 months since my nana passed and I honestly cannot believe it, it makes me so sad and scared because I am starting to forget what her voice sounded like and I HATE THAT!!! I don't want to forget, shit she was in my life for 29 years how can I forget so soon?
Today is such a shity day at work, I am here alone and have no patients, all I want to do is sleep and dream a few more of the amazing dreams that I have been having lately.. uuuuuhhh those put me at ease!
I have not gotten on the scale since Friday and honestly after what it said then I don't ever want to get on it again. I gained 2 lbs in like a day, I hate when the scale runs my life so this time I'm trying to not let it!
Little C is doing great, I miss him when he is with my dad but I know it is good for me to have some alone time too and it works out with my daycare schedule also.... Especially since I am going back to school!
Stuff is ok with my roomie we are both trying to quit smoking but that is so effing hard,, in due time I guess! I'm really ready to move out because I have paid my time that I promised and I cant stand life with the twins anymore,,, if it was just one that would be fine but shit with there being 2 and one is a total nightmare sometime I want to pull out my hair,,, I have never seen a child act the way he does,, and all the yelling and spankings he gets I'm sure does not help matters..
I have not started seeing my therapist yet still waiting on info from my insurance, but my ex N told me he wanted to pay for it,,, we all know I would never take that from anyone especially him,, he is to sweet... Ugh why can't I love him the way he deserves....
So I agreed to do this thing with my gf on Friday night, working for her company for some show but not so excited about it now that I know I have to dress up as a German Beer Maiden,,, WTF is that about? Ugh even had to give my measurements today which was not a fun job getting,,,, I never measure myself but thinking I just may start that,, easier than getting on the scale that's for sure!

Ok enough about me for today!

pause

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
So yawning huge right now,,,, I have zero energy today..
May have a bit to do with the lack of sleep these past few weeks but I will catch up tonight I'm sure.
I don't know why I have not been in blog mode at all lately but maybe for me writing has taken its last few breaths,, then again maybe not, will see what happens!

My peaceful little C!!!! Thats the true love of my life!

What an amazing 4th we had....

Spent the day with my little man and my gf and her 10 month old!!!! Love them all dearly!!!

Wonderful hot beautiful day in Napa,,,, not amount of wine to go with it!!!

Sending you all such love and so many hugs, extra ones sent to you Jen, you are in my thoughts and heart.

It think it is a bit of a trend right now with taking a break here and there with blogging but hey gotta do what we gotta do.

My life is all over the place right now, the good news it that I think I have found an ED therapist FINALLY!!!! Hey hard work can pay off, what do you know!!!!

Not doing great in the eating department,,, actually think I had the worst day ever yesterday, my mom has been really sick for the last week and I have been trying to do everything I can to be with her and help take care of her but seeing a parent or child suffer is the worst feeling in the world,,, I hate feeling helpless! C also got pretty sick last week and had a very bad reaction to some eye drops he was on..... scared the shit out of me~~ needless to say I have spent a lot of time in the hospital this last week...

Well gonna be a short one work is very busy and trying to keep up with things is so difficult!!!!

I miss all of you so much!!

xoxo Lauren

My peaceful little C!!!!!

My Quote for a happy life now!!!!!!!

"It is important for people to figure out their own lives before involving someone else-to gauge where u are and work on your own issues"

I have to believe this,,,,,and believe my decisions were correct!!!

Happy 4th I love you all deeply!!!!!

I never thought a cell phone was so important until.....

I left it at my dads over the whole weekend!!!!
I was losing my mind. I hate people not being able to reach me nor me them!!! I missed out on chatting with Carla and DG and my sweet new friend Julia!!! I will be calling I promise!
This weekend was the first time in a few months that I actually laughed and meant it!
I went and finally saw Sex and the City (i know i know im late but oh well) with my mom, it was such a good thing for us to do since we have been so distant lately! I saw N on Friday and for the first time I saw Bob Sagat do stand up and honestly he is so effing dirty but god sooooooooooooooooooooo funny! I just wish I would have been wanting to be with N. The night ended not so great we started talking and he started crying and I left, no tears no sadness just guilt for not feeling anything!!! WTF is wrong with me?
Then after the movie on Sat my roomie went out, it was by far one of the funnest nights I have had with her in years,,, we left our comfortable town and headed out, so worth it! I get so sick of seeing all the same people who do nothing but talk shit and act like your friend to your face!
New people that is so the way to go...
I also went to another ANAD meeting and had the most powerful experience... to long to type but holy shit it made me feel so not alone in all of this shit.......Breathe that was what I did this weekend.... Yesterday I spent the day with little C and my roomies twins at the pool all day, (she was so hung over I laughed the whole time) it was so nice out, finally a blue sky after 2 weeks of smoke from all the fires!
Work still suck and so does eating! But hey thats life I guess!!!!!!

Heidi think with your head please

Well so much for not knowing my name,,,well to those of you that do not already!!!!
It has been a busy and down right crazy week.
So much has been going on... I have another ANAD meeting on Sat thank god,,, I swear it is the only place I can vent anymore!! I went to one last night also!!!
Little C is doing great but N and I not so much!
I am pulling back like I do with all men well minus M the one I wanted and ugh f him heehee~~
Anyways he is so sad and being so patient but what I have figured out this week is that I have really BIG I mean HUGH commitment issues!!!! I am terrified of it... again it its not with M I just don't want it!!
N keeps telling me I am breaking his heart and it makes me feel heartless cuz I have NO feelings about it!!! This is what happens when my ED takes over,,,, I want nothing but what I want!!!! I did a very bad thing.....VERY BAD!!!!! Yes I saw M! Ugh wtf is wrong with me!!!!!!!! I know that until I am willing to face the fact that I really did love him than I will always deal with this!!!!!
OK enough I am a royal mess and all I can do is laugh!!!! I want to blow kisses to my sweet sweet friend!!! Sweet dreams!!!!!!!!!
Love you all so much you all make it so much easier to simply try to live and deal!!!! muah!

Not to much to say but wanting you to all know I love you and thank you for your support!!!! I'm still here and still trying to breathe!

Simply put

Seriously, I hate coming here to post sometimes because I never have anything good to say..................
I HATE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was told yesterday that I was only allowed to work 32 hours a week from now on!
WTF when I was hired at that in Aug of 06 I was told that by Nov 06 I would be full time,,,,,here we are two years later and my boss has been letting me do the 40 but yesterday her boss (FUCKING CUNT)excuse my mouth but I was in the military for 6 years!!!~ called and said that's enough
I was on the phone with our HR Dept yesterday for 2 hours pitching a fucking fit!
That is me losing 16 hours on every pay check...........
How in the fuck am I going to support my child and pay my fucking rent?
I want to seriously be done here. I cannot deal anymore!~
Other than C and a few people I know (of course all of you)
I want to just be done.
I don't want to fucking live with this anxiety and panic and bulimia anymore! I have said it a thousand times but C deserves so much better than me!
I honestly laid in bed till 3 in the morning pulling my hair out and trying not to let little c hear me cry because I do not know what I'm going to do!
Once again this is when I hate C's father................FUCKING PRICK!
I want to simply put die.

I hate my head!

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a glass house!!!! Like everyone and there mother knows what is going on with me, and is watching me waiting and hoping for me to fuck up yet again.
I admit I have not been the greatest with my ed stuff in the past and it is so weird how when is shows its ugly head if effects your head.
Like this post I have no effing idea what I am talking about!
I'm lost and I'm fucking sick of being judged and having others talk about me when they think I can't hear!
I feel like a SHIT mom right now! I have energy to do shit.
I ......................
never mind I'm not worth listening to right now I'm to angry or frustrated or sad or who the hell knows!!!!!

Ugh sick of that picture!!!!

Not a long post today guys, really been doing no good at all last few weeks and avoiding everything!
I try when I have the time and energy to check in with everyone but I'm so sorry it has been so up and down!!!
Really bad day today, lost and lots o body issues, lots on that effing scale again, a few tears, not many and lots of pointless work.
C is wonderful, N is great, too bad none of them know the truth....ACTUALLY thank god!
I'm sorry I had to cut so fast the other day dg and carla,, work has been insane!! I love you both so mucha!!!! and everyone else too you are all so important to me!

I suck at the game of life!

I.......want to be done!
How can someone have so many good things in there life and still be completely unhappy!!! I'm tired of always wondering if I'm making the wrong or right decisions, about me little c N all of it!!!!! I can honestly say I have never felt this way about a man before and I know he is the one, we talk for hours on end, sex is so not the main part of our relationship which for once is really really really nice!!! We talked a lot last night about how we can both feel so strong so quickly and the only answer we could come up with is "when it's right you just know it"!!! It that true???
I'm so excited about this weekend so much mommy and me time with little C just me and him and the pool and lots of hugs and kisses!!!!!
I want to lose only 7 lbs,,,, is that really to much to ask???????????
Errrrrrr fat & bubbly,...
Die ED Die already!!!
I have monkey mind and cannot play this game of life any longer!

Fears

I fear.....
being crowded
being alone
being sick
being pathetic
being angry
being sad
being happy
being ugly
being pale and pasty
being fat
being fatter
being fattest
being scared
and those are just a few....

So body issue big time today......
Here in my amazing little town we have a city pool, I know that sounds kinda gross, but it has a huge slide and little C and I love going, we go all the time. The pool opens for the summer this coming weekend and I cannot even begin to imagine getting into a bathing suit around several people even if most of them are children it just freaks me the fuck out. My legs are so HUGE and not tone......I am so angry that I have not been working on myself the way I always say that I am going to do.. Honestly last summer when I was at my very sickest was the only time I felt comfortable being in a suit and even then it was really hard.
I know that I need to get over this shita but I just don't know if it is really possible.
I'm also scared because I know N likes to be really active and he really works out and has an amazing body so that scares me too..... The only good thing is that he power lifts from time to time so for the most part I feel a lot smaller than him but still my ass and legs are disgusting......................I want to just cut all the fat off and have huge amounts of lipo done!!
Fizzzzz Mc Fatty!!! THAT'S ME!!!!

Random things going on in my head!

Running thoughts in your mind can be so dangerous.......
Mine seem to always have something to do with body image, eating, or simply just feeling like shita about myself.
Sometimes I wonder if true happiness is really even possible.
I was reading someones blog this am and was reading about her being in recovery and how she basically would have never started her blog had she felt that she could not help someone. I was totally inspired by her saying that and on the same hand I was totally freaked out because I write so many negative things in this blog and never NEVER would I want to be a trigger to someone let alone be someone who was not there to help others.
I have been having a hard time.
I want so badly to be honest with N and he wants that as well however I told him the other day that I will not (don't think) ever be completely honest, and that is just going to have to be something he can except or not. He was great about it and told me that he knows I will most likely lie to him about engaging but that he will be here to support me no matter what.
I cannot seem to find the space that if comfortable for me to simply begin complete recovery. I do think sometimes that I want it and other times there is no way I can imagine a day going by without a b/p episode.

Ok so I know totally off the subject but listening to the radio and they just said that Same Sex marriage is now legal here in Ca......How effing awesome is that news!!!!
Sorry I know that came from nowhere but it totally excited the hell out of me for some reason!

Well off to another bit....have a movie date with N and little C tomorrow night and really nervous about it. I told him that most likely we will not last the whole movie and he just laughed but little does he know I am TOTALLY serious!!! AHHHHHHHH my nerves are just shot!

I hate making a title for every blog because I totally suck at it!


My body is feeling really bad right now!! And to steel from Sara (TTOM) is in town, I know to much info but whatever...heehee! I was so sick yesterday and could not figure out why.....now I know! UGH! Anyways I know this sounds like a hell of a lot of whining but I seriously think I have restless leg. I have been up several times in the last six months, just walking the hallways of having to smoke a j just to freaking help me sleep.... They hurt and feel like they need to constantly need to be moving. Night time is the worst but during the day is no pleasant either. Who knows maybe I have just done so much damage to my insides that there is no other reason for this stuff......

Ok well long and boring I know but needed to ramble!
love to all of you~

Why do I delay????

I swear sometimes I feel like the worst bulimic ever......
I hate this feeling of failure,,,, I feel like I cannot even be good at my own ed sometimes, and it totally throws me for a loop.
I have felt very withdrawn lately, but I am happy to say it has really been for a positive reason.

Things have been really busy and I have been working so hard at trying to be in recovery but sometimes it is just to hard. For the most part lately I have had ok days, to be honest not one day has gone by where I have not engaged however they slip ups have been fewer and fewer, I'm not sure if there will ever be a day without.

Sometimes it just feels like way to much to give up and I'm just not willing to do it, not for anyone. Selfish I know however that is the honest truth!
Sometimes I wonder if I really have mia in my life or if it a game with myself! Sometimes I love mia so much that I feel like I would die without. Is that weird?
Especially when I know mia can be the one to kill me!

My body feels disgusting and I'm having a really hard time with that because there is someone in my life that has completely changed it for the better,,, well someone other than little C.
I can honestly say I have met "the one"!!!!
Actually I have known him for a few years and he is amazing, kind, gentle, and completely in love!! heehee I love that part.
We have dated a few times in the past but due to where I was at I just was not ready and honestly I treated him like complete shita! Luckily he has given me one more shot and for the first time I can actually see myself (too soon to say I know) married and spending my life with someone!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh he met little C and it was great, well the Harley does not hurt the issue either considering C loves motorcycles!!! (I'm a fan too)
He is so excited about getting to know him and just spending time with both of us, which is exciting and scary at the same time. Bottom line is C is and always will be number one ALWAYS and N knows that and would never ask anything else!
Well really wanted to just take a min and check in and let you all know that I have been checking on you even if I don't comment I want you to all know how much I care.. Sometimes its just to hard to comment,,,(s-you know what that means!)

I need sleepy time!

I think its time yet again for another post!
I have had so much going on lately, fam emergency took me away on Thursday night (late) and not to return to Sat night! The unfortunate finally happened, I ran into M!!! I was with little c at the Classic Car Show in my town, and walked out of the bathroom to only turn around and see him in my face..... We both smiled and said hi,,,,, weird thing was his daughter was with him and totally started talking to me which felt nice, and f him because I am a good person.
AND SHE LIKES ME!
Saw my TMJ doc today went well but getting up at 5 for a 7am appt just does not work well with me, I was falling asleep the whole time! Meditation is not good to mix with being exhausted....
Been doing something the last few days and not sure why but it is really effing me up! I found a pro ana and mia site and I CANNOT stop reading it! I know I should but it is addicting and so effing triggering.
I need mad help!
My weight is back up 2 lbs, and its driving me nuts because I barely ever eat and when I do I purge. The only thing I seem to keep down it luna bars (lemon zest) yummy!
But no more than 1 a day due to the amazingly high calories in them 180!!!!! I don't even like to look at that number is makes me insane!

The upside to everything is I'm in good spirit's, well as much as I can be!!
I feel really ugly right now though which is hard. I hate those ugly days!
Well I feel like Im gonna fall asleep while typing this so to wake up a bit I'm gonna stop for now!!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I'm out!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY FF!!! LOVE YOU MY AMAZING FRIEND!

Hi guys..........
I'm starving! Why do I do this to myself?

And don't be afraid of saying something stupid. Not speaking up is stupid.

I love this quote!

I love you my bubba!!!!!!

Hee Hee spike!!! Time for a trim I think!!!

7 days but feels like forever

It has only been 7 days since my last post but it really feels like forever.
Things have been really busy and really frustrating, this whole situation with moving has been a nightmare but hopefully things will turn around. I found out when they ran my credit report that there was an eviction on my credit from when Sam and I lived together and we were NEVER evicted and even if we would have been I was not on the lease so there should be nothing on my report at all. I have been fighting with that apartment for the last week and finally today I called the owners of the apartment and told them I would be pressing charges if this was not corrected, and thankfully the one I was dealing with (ended up being the VP) sent me a letter stating all the truth, so hopefully this will mean that I am going to get the apartment. They said that was the reason why I was denied. I will not give up dammit I will get this effing apartment! (Update: The lawyer that filed these charges, has disappeared no where to be found) filed a dispute with the credit agency today but was told it will talk 30-45 day for a reply!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate SAM!!!! He is like a effing weed that keeps coming up to haunt me!
Hopefully his lame ass is in jail........... How did "I" ever end up with someone like that?? A question I will ask myself till the day I die!
Work ugh don't even want to go there!!!
Therapy has been going really well, I really like her and the specialist I am seeing for my TMJ is great too. I have started my search of an Ed T but that may take some time considering I have just gotten comfortable with the ones I'm with!
Picky picky picky!!!!
Had a great weekend. Spent Sat at this place called "Pump It Up" which is this huge 6000sq ft building with jumpy houses in it..... It was the twins birthday so we were there jumping around like a bunch of 4 year olds with all the kids.... I had so much fun but cut my arm open on the first slide down....hahaha go figure the only one that got hurt was the 30 year old....
Then went to my dads to hang with my grandma and my sister but ended up mainly with my sis and helping her get ready for a "big" date!!! She is such a pimp I swear!!! Love you A!!!!
Sunday I took a drive up to Calistoga with my little man, we walked the town, had lunch and then went for a little hike,, it was fun and much needed mom and bubba time!
Eating has been not so hot, but hey when is it ever, my body is like a 4000lb horse. I feel the fat coming out of every spot on it and want to cover up unless I'm alone then I want to wear a huge tee shirt and not have anything touching me!!
3 episodes today thus far, god why do I do this to myself????
My headaches and TMJ are not so hot but I know they will continue until I get mia under control. Wish I could wake a wish and let this all go away!
"All we need is love"
"All we need is love"
"All we need is love love love"
"Love is all we need"
God if only these lines were true!!!!!!!
I have plans to go out with my mom (funnest date ever) on Thursday night
it is the first Farmers Market and there is a Jazz band playing that we always go see, then off to this great little wine bar in town. People in our town look forward to opening of Farmers Market every year, (shows how little our town is) big night to go out. I'm hoping M and his little one will not be out and about but fear that they just might be. The good thing is that lately I have had someone else to occupy my mind since him and honestly even if it is only in my mind and never a reality I'm ok with that because I smile so big when I think of them! Thank you sweets!!! Huge kisses your way!

There is an issue that I have spoke of several times since I have been blogging and have always said I was not ready to go into but I think that maybe just maybe it is time.
Ok maybe not yet,,,,haha chicken shita!!!
Soon I promise, fear of judgement like always, but I don't know why because you have never judged me, only been loving and supportive!!! I love you and thank you for that.
Time to work, off early thank god.

Panic attack in a large way

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I SO just needed to yell and this is my only way to right now!
I'm so freaking frustrated with my JOBBIE-JOB!
Panic attack over lame issues but I tell you what, if my BOS$ does not get her shita together I'm gonna freak out!

April 15th......M's B-day and thought it was appropriate

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Falling Behind, but trying so hard to stay ahead!!!!

OMG guys this last week has been so crazy, apps after appts after appts, will it ever end????
My head has been in complete overload since my RN meeting and I have had no room to even process, all I know it I need a 3 hours appt with the school to get all of my shit in order and get in the right lane....
My Jaw is so fucking out of whack, I literally could barely open my mouth this weekend without popping it back into place and trust me the B/P shit does not help at all! I told my Dr, that the V med that I was taking was giving me headaches but I think it was the birth control I was on so I have stopped that and they have gotten a bit better but I think all in all the V works better then the harsh pain meds!!
5 slip-ups today.... that's all I have to say about that one!!!
I really do not know what to do about this pain, I just don't want to wake up sometimes and deal another day with it let alone the fact that I have to purge to be able to live with myself another day!!!! I cannot wait till my appt on Wed am, I have done some research on some TMJ stuff and have been trying to work with it but it is a pain in the ass and who really has time for that shit?
So need less to say my head is in some serious pain and yet again I had to go to urgent care this weekend for my bi weekly dose of med to even be able to deal let alone open my mouth to eat. A few years ago the topic of surgery came up and I was totally against it but holy shit the way things have been going I almost feel like it is the right thing to do....
B/P front......not good at all and started on the milk of mag which I know is horrible but fuck how do you get out of the shity cycle... mia has been in my life for so long that I have no want at times to lose her. I truly love her and I love that I can turn to her at any time with no judgement except for my own, which I can live with.
I want really to sit down and eat a meal and not feel anxiety and fat thoughts and just simply enjoy without the panic about hitting the restroom while no one else has to!!! Then I get to deal with the issue of everyone knowing my issue which fucking sux!!!!
Ok I'm so done for now work is so effing crazy today and my patience level is shit!
I just had a nurse from Kaiser ask me what my deal was today...now we all know that is never a good sign!!!
Bye loves!!!!!!
To you my sweet sweet girl have an amazing night!!! xoxoxox

Sorry took so long

I have been sitting here for what seems like forever at work wondering how I was going to ever blog about last weeks appt, so please excuse the bla bla bla.

SO I met with my T and I cannot tell you how high the anxiety was, my legs were going 1000 mph and there was no end in site. I was there 20 minutes early so basically I walked outside for a few smoke breaks only because I thought I would lose my mind sitting in that freezing office.

Dr. J came out of her office and asked me to come in.
I sat there and started to talk with her when all of the sudden my P came into the room. Dr...L it was the first time I have ever met her even though she has been giving me my meds for over a year now.
I liked her right off the bat, very sweet and listened to me and my concerns. She only stayed for a bit and then I was left with my T to continue talking. I brought out my posting that I had printed out for her to read. She did something that I was not expecting, she asked me if she wanted me to have her read them out loud or if I wanted to....I was a bit stunned because I though she would just read them in some free time that she may have but I decided that since I was there I might as well read them, shit they are my writings right?
Well BIG mistake, I cried through the whole thing. It is crazy how reading so VERY personal stuff can make you realize how fucked up someone really is.
We talked about what I had written and a few other things, and she asked me a question that I have been asked so many times,,,,,,"since my legs were moving so fast" she asked "If my legs could say how they were feeling what would they say?"
I said anxiety and anger............... We did not go into it a whole lot, guess she just wanted me to be aware of it, which I was.
We talked about my TMJ alot and I actually did not get to see the TMJ Dr. that day, so that was a bit disappointing. However I was given an appt with him which I actually had this am.
I think the main reasons why I have not wanted to post about it was for 2 things, 1 being that, I felt VERY exposed in giving such personal info out and putting myself out there which we all know I hate doing and 2 because she made a comment to me that has been really hard for me to process. She was talking about going back to basics and she stated that if she was to look at me today she was not looking at me as if I had an ED. I automatically took that as great I am a big fat fuck and then I thought about it more and realized that she meant it as she wanted to deal with the TMJ because she felt that no one had ever focused on that and my chronic pain and that having such a huge thing to do with my ed. I have been going over that comment over and over and have not decided what I want to do with it, but I guess that is ok as long as I an not ignoring it.
It all in all was a really good appt and even though I feel/felt that way I still bp'd when I left. Stress reliever I guess.
I went in and met with her and the TMJ specialist this am and basically did an overview of my TMJ and how it ties in so much with my mia.
I had done alot of the stuff that he went over before but I told him that I have nothing to lose so I was willing to give him a shot. I will see him again next week as well as my T. Actually looking forward to it.
I was not surprised at all but she did ask me to weigh again when I saw her last week which I AGAIN refused to do. I will not do it, I don't care if they kick me out of the program just won't do it! I will not allow anyone know my weight. I weigh so rarely that I don't even want to know it.
Ok that's basically it on the 2 T appts.
As far as other stuff, well had an odd weekend, since I have been feeling so exposed lately I have also been very withdrawn, not into talking very much which is ok I guess because I don't have to if I don't want to.
Easting has been shit. Other than some string cheese and a few pieces of chocolate here and there I do not keep anything down that I eat. No meals ever, unless I am completely out of the option to purge.
I don't feel like my weight has been effected I guess the morning chocolate milk and coffee with lots of cream is keeping it pretty much stable!
C and I went to a movie which was pretty fun, and challenging considering he likes to run up and down the isles and push on others seats.
Also my roomie was gone all weekend and just got back last night so it was really quiet and CLEAN around my house....Thank god because I really don't know how much longer I can deal with the mess that her and her kids make, don't get me wrong I let C make a mess and play with his toys but I am also a freak so I clean them up as soon as he is done.. SO OCD I GUESS!!!!!
I'm sick of making dinner for her kids and doing their dishes and having to help with baths and freaking cleaning up after them all the time... Shit I'm not their mom. My roomie is a slob and puts shit off to the last minute. I have left her dirty dishes in the sink for almost 2 days and I wanted to lose my mind I HAD to wash them and it made me so angry. I just cannot deal with filth.............
I HATE IT!
I'm must sound like such a fun person to live with......That is just why I have to live alone. Little C is a bit of a slob but that is only 1 little one and we work together cleaning up and with meals. I love taking care and cooking for him but I don't love doing it for someone else's kids.....
I hate thinking of telling her about moving but the truth is she makes over a thousand dollars more than I do a month and gets child support..... I get nothing extra from anyone, and I deal, not great but I deal, and she complains all the time about how broke she is. How is that possible.... God I hope I feel better after getting this out because I want to pull out my hair right now.
I have not seen her kids since last Tuesday night and I only have to deal with them tonight,,,,, thank god... Little C is going to my parents tomorrow afternoon until Friday because I have an RN class to go to for the program and then my interview Thursday am with my dad and it is to hard to get him up and out to daycare so early.
I will be staying at my moms so I do not have to hear them scream at the top of their lungs all night. These little men have the highest pitch voices EVER!!! Little c tries to copy them when they do it and it makes me cringe.......... Thank go he takes after his mommy and has a total and completely raspy voice.
Ok well this is long enough for now and you are all probably bored to tears,,,sorry for that!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I want to go today, I want to go today, I want to go today, I want to go today!!!!!
I have to keep telling myself that or else I will cancel!!! My jaw is killing me my headaches are freaking stupid, and I'm a huge woman today!! Ick I hate calling myself a woman. Anyone ever feel that way? That word is a really hard one for me, makes me so uncomfortable. Anxiety well I don't even want to go there because my chest really hurts today. I better not be asked to weigh today because I won't. Stubborn, call me what you will but, that is ~MY FINAL ANSWER~!

With the bad can come the good.....Right?

So I got a phone call this am from and apartment building that I have been trying to get into off and on for over a year now and the woman lets just call her an angel said to me that there will be a 2 bedroom open in 3 to 4 weeks.....
So that is the good and with the good comes the bad.....
First I have to interview with them which I am not to worried about however my credit due to Little C's dad and of course me is not the best however my rental history is great.
Second this means moving again which may/is a good thing but it brings on a ton of stress for me which right now not sure I can physically handle. Guess I will bring that up in T tomorrow.
Third and WORST OF ALL this means having to talk with my roomie, which brings on its own full load of stress because I would be leaving her with a VERY high rent to pay alone which I don't know if she can handle and not so sure what it will do to our friendship and that scares me but I also know that little C's and my happiness is what HAS to come first.
SO much to think about but I think I will put it behind me right now until I do my interview and they give me an answer.
Eating.........well that is an issue in itself. Yesterday was not good at all and the worst part is that I took some ambein from my mom and also smoke& which put me into a binge stage and I ate more and kept it down due to the situation I was in, 1/4 box of crackers, 4 pieces of string cheese and 2 cookies, ick it makes me totally sick to even see that, that amount of food was and is in my body right now!!!
NOT OK!
I hate my weight right now.
I hate putting on clothes that are anything other than my scrubs or a tee shirt and undies which trust me is such an ugly sight right now! I feel like there is nothing but huge rolls staring at me when I get in the shower I am constantly checking at the gap between my thighs (sorry if TMI but its my blog and I have to vent right???)
to make sure it is big enough and that my legs are not touching. I hate the constant battle that is always going on in my head.
I just got off the phone with my step mom and thank god she was there for me to vent. I told her that yesterday when I was driving home from work I could not get the thought of just simply going to sleep and not waking up out of me and what it felt like for me. I know it hurt her because I told her that little C is the only reason why I would not do anything like that but that the feeling is still there and sometimes it is so fucking strong. I know this is not what others want to hear and may be triggering to some and for that I'm sorry but I have no way out right now. I just need these triggers that are in my life right now to go away. I seriously cannot even think about my ed sometimes, sometimes I just have to "go with it" and let it be there because once I think about it, I physically feel like I am going to fall into a million pieces at just the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.
Can that really be the reason why I was put on this earth???? To suffer the fate of a life long eating disorder?
I know I'm here to be the best mom I can for little C but god how do I do that if I cannot take care of my own health. The worst part is, is that I am so over sensitive to him and his eating and health, poor little man has a neurotic lady for his momma.
I am so blessed to have him, I do know that but I feel like he deserves so much more than me.
Ugh I wish my T appt was today my jaw is killing me and I don't know what to do to stop the pain.........It is crazy how stress can effect our bodies the way it does.

I need some input if you don't mind on me printing out a few of my blogs for my therapist to see, she wants to get a good idea of where I'm at and I'm scared she will freak if she really knows the "real truth"??
Help me decide please!!!

Smiles, this is what I fake but wish I was honestly feeling!!!!

Spent Saturday at this amazing party, and here are some pictures of where it was.
I talked to dg before going and really thought it was something I could handle but to no surprise to me I spent most of the day in the bathroom.

I'm in the middle of a complete and total meltdown and don't know where or what to do. There are tears in my eyes all the time. Anyone ever just simply want to be loved???? Not fucking strings attached! I know I am from my family which helps a bit but I also know that they know that I am starting to crash. I need to get a fucking grip before I no longer want to deal......Confession time. I took way to many ambein the other night, not with the intention to die because I know in my heart that I would be fine but I just did not want to deal. Thank god the next am I flushed them down the toilet.
I want affection I want to be held and mostly I want someone to love me-for me- not for this person who is sick with mia and ana and who cannot seem to even "be" anymore. I want to not hold onto this secret that I have that is tearing me up inside but I know that if it ever came to light to the people I care about the most I would be completely cut off!
What is a woman to do? I have asked myself that question so many times and still NO answer.
I am terrified about my T appt on Thursday because I know that they will want me on the scale and I just can't to it. I WON'T do it!
God I tend to think I am so good at faking it but the reality is I fucking suck!
I hate living where I do. I actually went home from work right after I got here yesterday and picked up C early to spend some time with him and as soon as my roomie,(bless her heart she has been amazing) got home with the little ones, I lost it! It is not her it is not the kids it is the fact that I cannot handle 3 of them when all there is, is yelling and fighting all night long. I'm in bed at freaking 8pm every night just to get some time with little C and then him and I argue over the whole no juice at bed time that my parents are on my ass about all the time (potty training is a bitch).
My weight is up and I'm quiting the Prozac, there is just no way I will gain the weight back!! No fucking way!
Then to top off today I get to work only to hear that a patient of ours who was on vacation in Florida passed away last night. WTF?? I cannot handle or deal with anymore of this!

Friday at last!!!!

Wishing you all an amazing weekend,,,,,and to you my sweet sweet special friend.........missing and thinking of you tons!!!

Done

So sorry for the delay, I know you have been waiting on my update from yesterday so here it is.............
8:00am I met my Dr. and honestly it went SOOOOO much better than I thought it was going to. I got like an hour and 1/2 sleep Sunday night because my anxiety was SO over the top and I had the worst monkey mind ever.
We talked for a bit and I basically gave her a run down on what has been going on and she put me back on the Prozac,,,,,gonna try to do it but not sure I can! And she also put me on an anti anxiety mad for my attacks!
I am going to meet with her and also a TMJ specialist who deals with depression and TMJ. Dr. J told me that she thinks that even if I did not have an ed she thinks that the chronic pain can and probably has caused some of my depression. It was good to have someone get that I really do have chronic pain and that there is going to be something we can do about it.
Today has been an ok day, only one slip-up so far so I guess that is better than 5 right?
~I feel really tired but on the same hand I have this excitement in me that keeps me going and thank you to my special friend for that.~
Thoughts of M are pretty much few and far between which I am working so hard on because I in no way do I want to deal with it at all!!! My mom keeps telling me how strong and brave I am but, I keep telling her (she is going thru a break up also) that she is the strong one at least she is talking aand dealing with it even if it is overwelming to hear it all the time because it is such a reminder that M and I are really done and that I believe no matter what he said or the tears he shed that he did not give a flying fuck about me!
I have decided that it is better for me right now not to even deal with it because all I will do is judge myself due to the issue of his daughter and I simply will not allow anyone to put me in a situation where I judge myself. I have enough to deal with.
I feel like the only reason why I want to take the Prozac is so that I can completely numb myself out from any feelings but I don't want to take it because I know what it does to me and I know that I will lose some of my urges to engage and I do not want to allow anything to take those choices from me......f'd up I know but hey I have come to realize that is just me! Take it or leave it.

Little C and I had a great Easter, we went to my aunts house, she lives in the "country" horses and all and we had a beautiful outside Easter dinner, we did a few different easter egg hunts which was so much fun!!!! I love my bubba so much it hurts!
I engaged which was difficult but man all of this holiday food has been killing me! Only thing I seem to be able to keep down in this damn chocolate which is all over the place and it makes no sense that I keep chocolate down!!! I hate it but like purging I just cannot seem to stop!!!
Dr. J, I told her about my blog and she asked me if I would bring in some of my postings so that she can get some sort of an idea about where I am at with everything, I said that I would think about it! I hate therapy I feel so pathetic about having to go why can't I just deal without help???. She thinks it is a good idea to see an ed specialist which I think is good too but only because I said I did not think it was necessary and when I say that stuff I know that those are the most important things to look at!!!
Ok time for more chocolate peanut m&m's!!!

All for you my little sweet C!

Will post on what this means later!!!

Not sure what this is about!

So I'm sitting here at work bored off my ass, and have been searching through my yahoo pics basically all day! I came across this pic and RIGHT AWAY it brought a smile to my face.
It is a picture of me 8 months preggers and when I looked at my body I began to remember what it felt like to "be in my skin" at that point of my life. The truth is I have never been happier with my body than I was when I was pregnant. I loved every part of my body and I showed it off every chance I got...Not in a bad way of course but like for example, the whole time I was preggers even when I was 9 months I sported a bikini. I loved it, I love my belly, I loved my fat ass, and I loved my legs, (all the parts I cannot stand to look at now)!
Well here goes.....................



What happened to this person?
I wish I could find her!!!!!

I know its dark SORRY!

SO hoping this pic will show up even if only a little bit!
Feeling kinda sad today, tomorrow will be 6 months since I lost my amazing Nana, and for some reason 6 months really seems like a huge thing,, may have a bit to do with all else however I just wanted to see her face, I have been looking at pics of her all morning and this is the only one I have on line with all three of us.

I miss and love you my sweet nana and Happy Easter wishing I could see and touch your beautiful face!!!!!! I miss your gentle kisses!

Treasure your family this weekend.

Shity Update But Need to RELEASE

Ok so here is the latest.............
Made appt this am for 8am Monday to see the Dr. that I do not like, I figure I cannot be picky right now.
Nervous but I simply cannot deal with the emotional shit right now.
Second, I need to get this off my chest because it is just to painful to carry around anymore.
M and I decided to be "really" done on Monday night,,,, to long of a story to tell but ultimately I found out what a coward he really is. He told me that he did not want me around his daughter...........
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?????????????????
He knows nothing of what I have been dealing with,,, well minus the past and he said that he just cannot find the strength to tell her that daddy is dating mommy's friend............................. WHAT A FUCKING cop out!
He went into this whole crying bullshit about how the single man wants this so badly but that the dad in him is to scared that is will hurt little A!
Now I need you to see that I totally get the whole protect your child thing but come on who is the adult here. I never even brought up being around her even though I have already been a thousand times.... She knows me and loves me!
Whatever,,,,,,I just wanted and needed to vent,,,,I told him I have never been told something so hurtful, and the truth is I HAVE NOT! It made me feel like a whore, like a secret that could not be revealed....
Oh well it just confirmed my feeling on other issue that has been a huge struggle for a very long time!!
Ugh I wish I could see my Dr. today!!!!!!!
Thank you all of you for your words, and support, I would be lost without you!

200th Post and I'm Withdrawing!

This is such a huge accomplishment for me, even if it did take me over a year to get here, I so hoped and wished that I would be in a different place in my life right now but basically I'm almost in the same........
I'm hurting right now and I'm angry and all I want to do is run away so that the pain will not be here upon my return.
I read all of your blogs daily yet right when I go to leave a comment I cannot pull up the strength to do it, my mind goes completely blank and I feel like I am full of shit no matter what I say...I'm sorry. I will come around sooner than later I hope.
Is it possible to feel physical pain from mental pain??? Or is it really all in my head?
The tears are so heavy right now UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't live like this!

2nd Patty's Day Post~ Really?

John Mayer

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
[ Say What You Need To Say lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

(Wide Heart)

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.


I just got back from lunch and my afternoon b/p....Sorry guys but say what you need to say~~ Anyways this song came on and I totally started to tear up, not cry just tear up,,,, I have not been able to do that alot lately and honestly it felt kinda good.
The thing is that sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I rarely know where or if the truth is coming out or if I am saying what honestly needs to be said of if I am saying or doing things in order to not deal with other things~ save me the pain of reality ya know?

My anxiety is so so stupid (by the way if I had said that out loud C would be saying "bad word momma bad word")
anyways it is, I had a long talk and was as honest as I could be with my roomie last night and she was awesome, I just broke it down and told her how worried I am about going back to this shit and how angry I am that I was in treatment this year and I feel like other than the lax I am in the same situation. I can hardly bare the thought of going back because this time I will simply not be able to deal! I wont do it! I know I don't need it now I know I just need to get into therapy again which I made another call today and my Dr is out but will be back tomorrow! I feel like since I am so aware of things right now that if I can somehow someway get a handle on this shit disease be able to get some control before it is to far out of hand. My weight is ok well by Dr's standards by mine no way no how!~
Things with M are really weird right now! Thinking it may come to a crashing halt tonight and although it will be weird to not be able to talk the way we have been it just may be for the best. Only good thing is that my walls have been up so high that It will hurt just no way in the same way that it did before. What I do know from what I have gone thru in the last year is that other than you guys, my parents and a few friends,,,,,,no one will be let into this life any deeper that superficial, just don't care to keep hurting from the lack of love in my life!
I am in charge of my life right???? Sucks that is even a question I have to ask because I don't know the damn answer!

Happy St. Patty's Day





God I'm so in love with my little man~ Here is his first St. Pattys Day, I know I'm so mean for the outfit but hey thats what new moms do I guess, you so should have seen his first Valentines Day getup talk about mean!!!!

2 days worth!

Being able to simply breathe is the most amazing feeling ever. I have not felt it in quite awhile now though. I talked with the charge nurse I work with today about taking something for my anxiety but still a complete mess when the reality of doing it comes to surface.
I have had some legal issues going on that I'm not really into going into right now so that has made things with me even worse. Hopefully after a meeting I had yesterday with the legal pigs, things will calm down, not holding my breath though.
Food-god what is the deal, I feel so guilty when I eat, I feel guilty when I don't and I feel guilty when I binge and purge...... guilt is horrible.
My charge nurse is going to check with her therapist to see if the accept VA insurance, he is not an ED specialist but I do not really think that is important right now I just think I need to see SOMEONE!
Time is of the essence right?
***************************************
So just getting back to this post that I started yesterday.....
Anxiety is a bit over the top for a Friday but what the hell am I to do?? I have to say though certain messages (you know who you are) have put my head else where which is truly a blessing and such a relief!

Looking so forward to spending a nice long weekend with Little C......He has been such a good boy lately, well for the most part he always is but hey he is 3 1/2 and I guess he is allowed some meltdowns like his momma.
I had to take him to the Dr. on Monday for some hair loss and have been really worried about that but they gave me a topical steroid to put on it for a few weeks so hoping things will get better soon. I hate him having to go through anything like this. So not fun. I don't think he feels anything from it but still makes me sad to think of anything bothering his sweet little self!
Planning my St. Patty's night out.......might not be such a good idea but god knows I can sure use a few (lots) of green beer!!!!!!
That day is also my ex's B-Day so anything to keep my mind off of them the better...Those damn "whatif's"!!!

Sending you all such big huge massive hugs and wishes for an amazing weekend!!!!!
xoxoxo Lauren

Alcohol Pads,,,,,Lauren are you for real?

Wow, first off I have to say to sarah, that "god babe", I love you darlin.....U so freaking brought many smiles to my face today...

I'm having a really weird out of body day today... There is some pretty scary stuff going on with me right now, (well I think it's scary) but going to wait until its dealt with to chat about it. My anxiety is really outofcontrol lately. I have never dealt with this and don't know how to other than to try to breathe... I went to the grocery store with M the other day and totally had to walk out because being in a place like that with him scared to poo poo out of me... What is that about? I'm the one who has no one in my life to fear as far as he is concerned.

I feel like I'm going to vomit, not purge just honestly vomit at least 20x a day. It is such a shity feeling to have and I simply do not know what or how to deal with it. All I know is NO MEDS>!

God had such a shity day yesterday........... Food wise not horrible but not great either.

I cannot even collect the words that I want to type right now without feeling total panic about it.

So this is how bad the anxiety is...... I went to get a syringe to give a pt an injection and since the med is a multi dose vial I had to wipe it off with some alcohol first,,, well right on my counter I have a bin with alcohol pads in it and they come in packs of 2. However today there was one pack and one of them were missing out of it. I wanted to fly off the handle........... Not sure why because it is just an alcohol pad and there were several behind that particular one but seeing a single one there all alone freaked me out, I felt the chest pain and shortness of breath immediately..
"How pathetic you must be all thinking" I am!

MUAH MUAH MUAH

At work BORED and don't have much to say today!
So simply want to say this!
Happy Friday and I love you all!!

Anxiety is a true BITCH

I cannot even begin to tell you the anxiety that I am feeling at this very minute.
It literally feels like I cannot breathe, not sure at all where it is coming from but I actually have chest pain. Not chest pain where I feel like I need to see someone just chest pain that says something is not right today.
Sort of had a hard night, and not sure what to do with it.
Ugh I talked to my mom yesterday and she really wants me to be back in therapy but I'm having a hard time with that because I feel really lazy when it comes to the thought of finding one that will except my VA insurance, it is such a pain in the ass.
I wish I could just fall into someones arms and cry, then maybe I would feel better but I'm thinking that is just not going to happen for me right now.
I want to go home
I want to b/p yet again and
I want to numb out to this anxiety.
I could really deal with things if I did not have to feel anything but I know that is no way to deal with things.
I'm tired right now........
Sorry there is not a whole lot I have to say other than I want to breathe without feeling like I'm going to break.

Monkey mind that never stops...Or is it the monkey in my mind that just won't fucking die?

Sorry not a positive post!!!!
Just take it as a bit O caution!


Not a good night as far as eating goes......
I got home and did my normal mom stuff, dinner for the boys, playtime, baths, and movie with c before bed all while not having a bite to eat,,,(pizza was dinner) can you believe that one????
Well I laid C down at like 8 and it took awhile for him to fall asleep so I did not get up until like 9:30-9:45. I went into the living room and sat on the couch like a big fat cow and started catching up on my last 2 episodes of Big Brother an Bad Girls Club, when all of the sudden I realized I was hungry and that there was 1 piece of pizza left.
Of course I fought the idea for what seemed like forever and then decided I could eat it, but what ended up happening is that it took me 2 hours to fucking eat it!! What the hell?? And the whole time I was sitting there staring at it thinking "shit can I take another bite or will that be the bite that is going to make me gain 10 effing lbs? I wanted to shove it in my HUGE face so many times and then go into a HUGE b/p episode however that really is not so possible with my roomie there so I just had to sit with it ALL NIGHT LONG!
I drove me crazy.... It is still driving me crazy! What is the freaking deal people??????
Why can I not eat a simple 5 inch slice of pizza without being so horrible to myself?
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
God I feel like I have made no stinking progress in the last 16 years......All the treatment for what?
All the time in the hospital for what?
All the therapy for what?
All the pain I have gone through for what?
All the pain and money I have put my family through for what?

The only answer I have is C.....that is it. Simply my little c!

Come On, Really?

Does it really ever truly go away??
I have such a hard time thinking that it does, I mean all of these people that I hear go through recovery and it sticks, shit I just do not see how that is even possible. I would love to not hurt or shit even feel on some days (most actually) but that is just not an option right now for me. Eating or not eating that is what the option is with my health lately and to be honest ( I mean real honest) I'm fucking sick and tired of it! I'm tired of planning and feeling freaked out of my mind when I am not going to be able to engage it is horrible to want to and due to circumstances not be able to! I sometimes feel like there is no way out of this ed hell. Will it ever end?? God I hope so.......and I hope it can be in a positive way.
I'm tired today, burnt out and I need a break! Work is so slow and I have been putting all my work off since I have been sick so there is like 15 piles on my desk that I need to do and have no interest what so ever to get it done.. But I will.
I wish I was in Florida with you ptc on the beach,,,,,ugh wait that would mean being in a bathing suit,,,,,,,,,ok you are worth that! haha!

Fat fattier fattest......That is what I'm feeling today.. No other feelings going on that I want to really look at just simply fat! oh and maybe even plump!

"Beautifully stated..."

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken
probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts
too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with
your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose
someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love
like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Happy Friday

Feeling frustrated with me!

So this morning was so terrible I cannot even begin to express what a horrible mom I feel like!
Little C drove me up the wall, I swear sometimes I want to pull out all of my hair and run and hide. He is a great amazing kid, don't get me wrong but this am like every he wakes up and seriously the first thing out of his mouth is "I WANT" weather it be juice, or cartoons or whatever, and there is never a please or thank you or good morning. Like always I gave him what he wanted "my wrong I know" and when it was time to go he threw a fit and would not get up and would not listen to anything I said. I started to yell and get angry and actually for the first time ever I raised my hand to spank him. Never did it but I never raise my hand or get that close to it. I was so mad at myself but man I did not know what to do. I hate feeling like a bad mom, and I know in my heart I'm not but to get so frustrated with him makes me feel like shit and throws me right into b/p mode. Not his fault but mine I know, because I need to start standing my ground with him more so that he gets that "I'm serious" when I say something. So much easier to just give in sometimes.
I love him so much I just don't feel like I know how to be a good mom. When I was in treatment this last year, one thing that we talked about (lisa and I) was how I felt like I did not want to be a mom at times, and just wanted to be me because it was so hard. Don't get me wrong I would NEVER trade my little man for anything but being sick and tired and alone makes it so hard sometimes. I feel like I don't even know who I am at times, and I feel like such shit for saying that because I am so lucky to even have him. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate me for feeling like this.
My head hurts really bad today and my cough is never ending. What is a single lonely mom to do with all of these feelings but b/p?