I just wanted to take sometime a send out a thank you not to Jade,,,,,,,,bade you are an amazing wonderful and beautiful woman, you took my call last night after months of no real communication from me and held me together, you Jade are fucking a true friend and I really do love you sweetie!!!Thank you for helping me while I was in the darkest place I have ever been in. I can honestly say that without you last night I don't know if I would even be here today.... thank you for helping me save my own life last night. I truly love you honey!!
Also to Julia sweetie Im sorry the call did not go through however until I get my new phone up and running they have to keep my line suspended from others (the ones who stole it) from using it. I'm hoping to get my new one in the mail on Monday!
I love you all so deeply!!!
Thanks to Jade I am here the take another breath and to have been able to see my sons face this morning! Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend.... I'm keeping you babe!!!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Trying my hardest to take the good with the BAD!
First off I HATE MY JOB!!!
Honestly I have never been so unhappy being in a work environment in my life!
I hate this company and all it stands for!!! I love love love my patients but other than them I hate this life here.
I need a new job!
I hate going to school and cannot seem to get into it at all!
I'm more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life-is that really possible?
I have pictured myself driving in my car and being hit by someone more times that I would like to admit. I hate that I do not want to be here, I love my son more that any fucking thing but I just don't want to be here anymore.
Weird thing is I'm not even scared to not be here other than the thought of being without Chance which just makes me sick but I don't know what else to do.
I feel like I try try try and for what? I want Chance to be proud of his mommy and god knows that if he knew the truth about me he would be simply be embarrassed, and who would blame him?
I have going to therapy and it is fucking pointless, nothing works........... NOTHING!
I had to leave my yoga class the other day because I thought I was going to have a freaking heart attack, now that I think about it maybe I should have stayed!
Honestly I have never been so unhappy being in a work environment in my life!
I hate this company and all it stands for!!! I love love love my patients but other than them I hate this life here.
I need a new job!
I hate going to school and cannot seem to get into it at all!
I'm more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life-is that really possible?
I have pictured myself driving in my car and being hit by someone more times that I would like to admit. I hate that I do not want to be here, I love my son more that any fucking thing but I just don't want to be here anymore.
Weird thing is I'm not even scared to not be here other than the thought of being without Chance which just makes me sick but I don't know what else to do.
I feel like I try try try and for what? I want Chance to be proud of his mommy and god knows that if he knew the truth about me he would be simply be embarrassed, and who would blame him?
I have going to therapy and it is fucking pointless, nothing works........... NOTHING!
I had to leave my yoga class the other day because I thought I was going to have a freaking heart attack, now that I think about it maybe I should have stayed!
OMFG
SERIOUSLY, 2 WEEKS AGO MY PHONE WAS STOLEN OUT OF MY OFFICE AT WORK,,,,,,,,, TODAY AGAIN MY PHONE AND WALLET WERE STOLEN.
Please someone tell me how to not have a fucking meltdown bigger than I just had.
This all happened after I wrote the above!
I really cannot deal anymore.
I want to be fucking done!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
9-11
I received this email today and it just seemed all to fitting to post.
'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'
You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news On September 11, 2001. Neither will I. I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK..I am ready to go.' I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night. I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now.' I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered. I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them. I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan . I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me? I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there. I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me? Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you . But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are 'ready to go.' I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'
You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news On September 11, 2001. Neither will I. I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK..I am ready to go.' I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night. I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now.' I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered. I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them. I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan . I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me? I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there. I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me? Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you . But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are 'ready to go.' I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
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