HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEARS TO ALL OF YOU!!! THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SUCH AN AMAZING PART OF MY LIFE AND ALLOWING MY TO BE A PART OF YOURS!!!!

wink wink

I so NEVER post on the weekend but dammit I only had one person to vent to and I felt bad about giving or putting it all on her so I'm going to bitch some more here!!! MY ROOMIE is the BIGGEST PAIN IN MY BOOTY EVER!!! I can't do anything right and I'm sick of it! I'm sick and fucking tired of walking on egg shells in my own house that I pay half the rent in and half the fucking bills in, dammit I made a mistake and broke a stupid little candle holder and she totally went stomping all over the house slamming doors, yelling at her kids to stay away from my son just fucking drama!!!! Sorry for the foul mouth but I am so annoyed and can barely even see what I am writing because I took and ambein so that I can freaking fall asleep!!!! Am I that terrible of a person???? Do I deserve to have someone slamming doors and stomping all over the house and being ignored all over a candle holder that I said I would replace!!!!! Ok I'm done I cant even type!!! Lov ya Jade thanks for listening!!!!! wink wink

Over it!

Last night all I can say is WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had one of the hardest nights in a long time but luckily I was able to get through it without purging AT ALL thanks to the help of my sweet new friend Jade, wink wink thank you babe!!!!
Work is ok pretty busy which is good but ready for another long weekend that's for sure!
I really do not know what is going on in my life with men, frankly I am sick of them and due to my "issue" I don't know where I stand in my life at all!
I have gotten so many flat out disgusting text messages and emails from a few people who I thought were better than that. I don't know what I do to people to deserve to be talked to that way, I don't even respond to these messages, I don't get it but it seriously makes me feel like a piece of meat and I am not even into the whole man thing at all right now.

Also I got a text from M yesterday actually several, we chatted a bit and he kept saying how much he missed me as a friend and did not want me to be mad at him anymore, he said that he was sorry for the way that he had acted but I really don't buy it. You do not treat someone shity over and over and then simply say sorry and expect someone to just say "oh it's ok!!" NO F'ng way dammit! I'm over it! I told him I was not mad at him but that I had to think alot about us being friends. I mean honestly why would I want to be friends with someone who treats me like shita! I deserve more don't I?
He wanted me to call him last night but I did not think it was a good idea so I did not do it. And guess what I have not heard from him so I'm sure he was trying to hook up or pull some bs like that but I'm not falling for it again!!!!!!!
I"M OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stud Muffin.You have to double click to get the whole effect haha!!!Am I going to have problems with him and the ladies or what??

Day after Christmas somewhat blues~

I really did not think the Christmas would be as hard as it was, it was really hard. I reminded me of the Christmas I had before I went into treatment the first time! It was so overwhelming, Ham, potatoes, cornbread, deserts were unreal, but ok I'm going to stop do not want to trigger. I had a few mishaps throughout the day. ( I like that word, mishaps, feels so much better than slips.)
Christmas with Little C was amazing, he passed out a bit early on X-mas eve but I still read him "Night before Christmas" then he woke up and we left Santa Cookies and Juice considering Little C hates Milk and refused to let him have it!!!! Then Christmas am, he was so excited and totally overwhelmed, he got SOOOOOO much, I and my mom went a bit overboard but it was all worth it, just now dreading bringing it home because I know my roomies little ones will take over and Little C has a really hard time sharing, which shit can you blame him, it is his Christmas pressies!! also all of there toys get to mixed, I'm gonna hate it when I decide to move out!!!
Then we went to my aunts which was really hard and really different with out my Nana, but we all made the best of it! This time instead of giving gifts we all decided to donate to our favorite Charity! Most of us chose the Hospice considering we dealt with them because of my Nana and they were simple put FUCKING AMAZING!!!! I also did a bit to St. Jude's, I think they are a wonderful organization and no child is every turned away, how can you beat that!! Then we did an amazing White Elephant gift exchange!!!
Got home really late, and was actually going to bring little C into work today but we ended up being on time so all worked out ok!!!

Time to hit up my "issue again" still not ready to go into details but I need to chat about it again, it is so weird I go in and out about how I feel on a daily basis. There has been someone in my life that brings up stuff for me and not really in a positive way, makes me think about it even more, due to the stuff that he says to me and how disgusting it makes me feel. He is someone that I had been texting and dating for a bit and maybe you remember him from before I went into treatment, he was ok maybe not fair to say but he had a huge contribution to my relapse due to him being so intense! He was making a few flirtatious comments which were fun to play with but once I made a comment back like "Who is this this new F" he went WAY OVERBOARD" I mean it was all kind of disgusting. I swear I don't even know who the hell he is because anytime I say I like or don't like something he changes into that person. Shit he is 38 and still doing this stuff. I sent him a Merry Christmas Eve message and on Christmas got this WHOLE HUGE SEXUAL MESSAGE, with not even a Merry Christmas... 4 pages long, I mean are you kidding me pervo!!! I just wrote back....
(........Merry Christmas) I'm supposed to have coffee with him this week but hell no that is not happening. Just makes me realize that all or the "issue" that I am having is and may be so much more real than ever before!! I don't know confusion is a freaking (fucking bitch!!)!
Moving on!
My mom gave me the most amazing gift it was that picture I posted from the snow day with Chance, where he is on my lap and looking straight ahead with my head turned it was in a frame with that was engraved, with the most amazing saying! I cried like the biggest freaking baby, god I love my little man more that anyone will ever know!!!!!

Ok well done for now hope every one's Christmas was super fabulous!!!!!!

MUAH MUAH

Have a wonderful Christmas all of my sweet blogger friends, Love you all!!

From my amazing Momma!!!

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it!


Not into writing today but I love this!

Merry Early Christmas

JUST WANTED TO MAKE SOME SMILES TODAY!!!

Randoms!

It is pouring here, I mean pouring!!! Really depressing actually. Trying not to let it get to me though!
Had a really long night and a few bad episode's since yesterdays posts.
Not feeling really guilty about it but having a hard time understanding why I purged a huge Chinese chicken salad, (god I know that sounds gross) sorry, and I kept down a cupcake-you know one Hostess yummy chocolate ones with the white swirl on top??
What is up with that?? Granted it was when I crawled into bed and I was STARVING! I did have to fight it for a bit but I won so there!

My head has been hurting a bit lately too. I think it is from the purging....I wish I was able to give this damn thing up, no questions asked! I'm not even losing any weight, I don't think! I refuse to get on the scale until I know for a fact that I have! I have to get out there that in NO way do I want to be 80 some odd lbs again EVER, but I do want to at least be a bit under my goal weight, not much but just a little, now is that to much to ask? I don't think so!

I feel like this blog has nothing to do anymore with recovery but only my bull shit, you would think I would get sick and tired of writing all of this but in all honesty I have not ok I'm lying I have but I just can't stop. This is all the healthy purging I have left since I refuse to go to the VA Therapist!
No more of them for me!!!

Having huge issues with Little C's daycare, I saw one of his teachers yelling quite loud and grabbing this child and roughly putting him into timeout!!! Not OK I called the Corporate office this morning and had I not been running totally late I would have told the kids mom this am, I feel terrible for it and am so pissed at myself for not doing it!! I also feel like the worst parent taking C back there but I have no option, no work equals no job which equals no money, I'm looking for alternative daycare right now! I need to get him out of there but I feel terrible about it because he will leave all of his little friends that he has known since he was 18 months old! WAHHHHH! Please tell me I am not horrible!
I talked to my step mom and she said that she will take him till I find alternative daycare....Thank god for that!!
I totally was pissed and went off on the lady before she even did that to the other child so I hope I did not contribute! I want to call someone else but I have no idea who else to call!
I'm scared that they will take my actions out on C!!!


I will work it out, I have no other choice!

As far as my ("issue") (hi jade wink wink)
still not ready to talk about it, actually feel a bit stronger about that then I did yesterday but who knows maybe I will sooner of later!!!
It just feels like more than I can handle right now!!!!

Second Half

Warning/Caution- may be triggering but have to release! FOR ME!

What purging is for me:
Not so sure how to answer this one but it's a question in my head every time I engage!
* I feel as if every time is the first time
* I can breathe, even if only for a moment
* Power
* Control
* A sense of security that nothing or no one else can give me
* Sadness
* Lonely
* Anger
* Frustration
* Guilt
* Guilt
* GUILT
* I feel like no one gets me other than my ED
* I don't even get me
* Pathetic
* A high that can never be described no matter how hard I try
* Wanted by something or someone
* Out of Control
* Panic
* Peace
* Loved
* Balance- how weird is this one?
* Uneasy
* Lost
* Mostly alone

I'm sure there is a thousand more but those are what come to mind right now.
I just had an episode, I really don't like that word but whatever.....
I feel like my heart is going crazy and I cannot make it stop. I hate writing like this because when I go back and read it I barely remember writing it? Odd?

That last post, even though I really did not go into details, really got to me, I think! Can't think of what else it might be, other than a bit of anger that I thought I was past with M.
From the moment I hit publish post all I wanted to do was purge!
My words for the day are "TO SIMPLY RELEASE"
Ok I gotta stop this shit



add on: Your wallet won't get any fatter if you follow that growing urge to spend today. Keep walking by those store windows full of gorgeous clothes that you're just dying to put into your closet. It's time to remind yourself about the difference between wanting something and needing it. This applies to your personal life, too. Are you demanding too much from the people around you right now? If you want more attention, you should start by giving more attention.


Due to this scary horoscope I am taking the comment off of this post!

Confused-but what else is new!

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM not really knowing how to even begin this post, it is a pretty huge one for me! Not even so sure I will be able to be strong enough to get out what I need to say or even if I want to say it!
For starters my weekend was really nice, went to my dads on Friday and stayed there with them, then Sat left and did x-mas shopping for little C (thank god that is done), then was off to my gf's grad party which was REALLY nice. We decided to go out after the party and went to are local hole in the wall Irish pub, got there about 8:45 and after a drink or to ended up seeing M which basically was ok however shocked the shit out of me. I felt sick all over and wanted to leave, but I hung in for a bit. We said nothing just a few awkward glances. 10pm rolls around and my gf and her friends are ready to leave, I WAS not so I stayed for a few mins, or actually long enough to have a smoke and decided I would go down to "MY BAR" kind of like Cheers haha, there was this guy there who was probably in his 50's that would not leave me alone, I humored him for a bit and even went into some issues I am going through BIG ONES, not sure why I told him guess I felt safe in it, however if backfired because after telling him I think he was more into me. ICK! I got a phone call from my mom about 11:45 telling me she was home (only about 2 blocks from my bar) and she wanted to meet me, so I went out side and picked her up, I had no interest in staying at that bar so off we went to another one of my favs. I seriously felt so lonely before she called, I was on the phone with my roomie who has been there for me so much lately for like an hour. I think I felt more pathetic and not worth anything, I mean my last two times out in the last month and a half, I have been ditched by my friends. WTF!
Anyways my mom and I ended up having a great time and like always when ever we drink we spill our guts. We sang and danced till almost 2, it was sooooooooooooooo fun!! I love you my amazing momma!
I told her something that has been going on in my head for quite sometime, but something that I have NEVER other than a brief discussion with my roomie told anyone.
My mom was amazing like I knew she would be, I felt no fear in telling her what I did at all. She told me that she will always love me no matter what decisions I make in my life or how I choose to live my life. My head is so confused right now, it really sucks. I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can spill this stuff in my head to ANYONE. I want to vomit! Not purge, just simply vomit, my stomach is in knots!
Speaking of purging my weekend was ok, not great but ok, not horrible either! One day at a time, I so think of Sarah when I say that. Inspired girl!
Little C is great, we had such a hard time at bed time last night but I stood my ground and it eventually worked and off to sleep land was he!
I ended up taking a sleeping pill and watched TV for what seemed like forever, my mind is running 10000 miles an hour, with no end in sight!
Ok well I thought I could go more into detail in this post but I guess I'm just not there, shit who knows if I ever will be!
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
love ya

Happy Friday Y'all!

Just a little pic of me and little C's play time!!! LOVE IT!

What the heck am I from Texas or something,,heehee j/k I love all my Texas ladies!!!!
Actually wishing I was there right now!
This has been such a long week for me and I am so ready for it to be over! I really do love my job, but lately I cannot wait till 4:30 on Friday afternoon.
Had a great night last night Little C loved the Christmas house, which was so good considering we had to drive 40 minutes to see the darn thing.
Semi busy weekend, but mostly looking forward to time with my gf! Miss her and our friendship means too much to lose!
Might post later but this is all for now ta ta love to y'all!

Needed a bit of a change!

Opened up my blog today and decided it was time for a change, I was sick of the color.

Really bored today at work, which I guess is good but at the same time I think I need something or someone to occupy my time! My head is going 1000 miles an hour and in all different directions.
Had a few slip up last night which has actually made me feel a bit better, but did nothing for the weight so whatever kind of trying to ignore that part. I'm so sick of having to feel like the size of me determines how I will feel, that is bull shit in my mind but yet I still allow it!

WHY LAUREN WHY?

I just got a phone call from my mom and tonight we are driving to this town about 40 minutes away to see this house that this family goes completely ape shit over at Christmas time...So excited Little C will love it. This family is amazing not only do they decorate the outside but they completely go off on the inside as well and they allow the public to go inside and see. I really do love Christmas time no matter how much I complain about it.

I slept like total shit last night, little C slept with me and wanted to only be in his underwear and so I let him, but with how damn cold my house gets at night I was waking up over and over completely paranoid that he was going to freeze..I told my roomie about it this am and she was like "why didn't you get up and put his clothes back on?" simple answer!!! "It was 1 in the am and I'm to damn lazy!!!! SO instead I wake up 30 times to cover his little self!!!

I got up so late this am and had 45 minutes to get myself and little c ready which includes breakfast for him and a bath, so lets just say today is SO not a good hair day.
I think I going to completely chop all of my hair off. I did it the last time I got out of treatment and it rocked, going to go for the posh cut!! I love it and totally think I can pull it off! Will see though!!! Chicken shita!!!!

In a weird space today

Feeling completely out of sorts today and a bit sad! Out of sorts because I usually am totally happy at work but this week I have been completely annoyed! I am beginning to feel like no one gives a f about what I do here, I bust my ass and for what, the pay is ridicules and the jobs I get are no where near my description, my raise was pathetic and I have been lied to since the day I started about my full time status! I wish a miracle would just fall into my lap for once!
Ok enough complaining about that.

Now what I am sad about!
Blogging, I know every ones blog is there own deal but I feel sad, like so many people are leaving and I know people have to live their lives the way that is best for them and I wish everyone who is leaving the best I am just sad at the way this world seems so quite all of the sudden!

Sort of feel like maybe it would be in my best interest to take a break but to be honest with you I don't want to so I'm not going to! SO THERE who's left and interested in reading is stuck with me!~!

Had a chat with a gf of mine yesterday that things have been pretty weird with for the last several weeks, and it went really good, so I am totally happy about that. Her and I just needed to clear the air which we should have done weeks ago, weird how our minds play tricks on us when we feel our defences go up! I hate where I go in my life when that happens!!!

Having really bad body issues right now, I avoid the mirror and all expense, and will not even do my makeup in a regular size mirror! It is pretty lame I know but shit my weight is out of control and I don't know why, I'm lucky if I eat 1 meal a day!
Ugh I'm so not in the mood for this right now!!!!

So much apperication

Every time I start feeling like things are going down hill and that no one gives a flying shit about what I'm going through something happens to turn things around for me and today that happened yet again....
I have met through this wonderful world so many amazing people that I love so much and today I was lucky enough to have opened up a post from a dear sweet friend who has put themselves out there for me so much and I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart Jade! I'm blessed to have you in my life! PLEASE KNOW THAT!!
Thank you Thank you Thank you sweetie!

Moving on now....Things have been kind of tough lately but at the same time I have been dealing. Little C and I are doing amazing which is the biggest and most important thing going on right now, as far as my struggle with this damn ED, things honestly have been ok, rough but ok. It has been almost a week since I have purged which is pretty weird, and trust me it is not because I have not wanted to because I really have but it has been because no matter how hard I try have no energy for it! That in itself makes this whole thing crazy. Every time I eat something which by the way has not been very often lately I want to purge so bad but when it comes down to actually doing it I can't! Maybe that's a good thing lets just hope it last for more than a week, seems like once I hit a certain number of days I start to freak a bit and lose control again!
My weekend was really good, quiet but good. I ended up going downtown with my roomie and my mom and little c which was so much fun and the best part was that I did not run into anyone that I knew......Huge plus and so never happens.
I was so nervous because I just knew I was going to see M and A together, which who knows what is up with that it has been 2 weeks since we even talked. I told him to lose my number so lets hope it stays this way. Honestly I hope I NEVER see his pathetic sorry ass again, Rot is hell loser!
I tried to call Jeremy last night but it was too late for him to talk, forgot about the time difference I guess so I just left him a message, hopefully he gets it! He was the one I talked about a week or so ago that called me. I think about him all the time and just wish I was a better influence on him AND others than what I really am! He has had such an impact on my life that no one other that him and I know about, not always a positive one but one that I feel has made me grow stronger and became a better friend and person all around.
I'm starting to feel somewhat lame. I have no plans for New Years this year and have actually flaked out on two different things that I was supposed to do because it is just not something that I want to spend my New Years Eve time doing! I wish I had a party where I got to get all dressed up to go to but hey that will happen in due time I guess! Anyways I'm sure when it came down to it I would not be able to find anything to wear!
Maybe I should just stay home with bubba, and cuddle. I feel like such a lonely hermit sometime!! Ugh well I guess that's it for now! Sending you all so much love and so sorry I have been so absent lately!!!!!
love Lauren

Guilt is a BITCH!

Lots has been going on in this crazy head of mine these last two days.
I have been feeling so "off" I don't even know where to begin this post.
I hate feeling the way I am but I think I am really beginning to realize how much of a people pleaser I am. I am realizing how I feel like I have no right in any situation to feel, no right to feel sad or hurt or mad or shit even happy. I feel guilty about any feelings I have especially if it is a feeling where it effects someone else.
My mom is truly my closest and dearest friend (other than C of course) and she has hurt my feelings and honestly I cannot no matter how hard I try been able to tell her. Started off last weekend when she flaked on me and my gf when it came to going to HER friends Christmas party, for this guy she is interested in. I'm not hurt that she went with him because I want her to be happy and to have someone in her life but I was upset that I was the one who had to tell her friends that she was "sick"! I felt terrible about it. Then tomorrow there is this huge Christmas tree lighting in our town where EVERYONE comes out, we always go together, on Monday she told me that she invited this guy to come so basically I figured that we would all go together, lame for me to think that I guess. Anyways, then she said that he did not get off work till later so she did not know if she was going to make it downtown for the lighting and that it may be later in the evening. I was still ok I guess with that comment although I did feel hurt. Then last night my roomie told me she may not be able to go so I was going to end up going alone with little C which I just cannot do because I am totally scared I'm going to run into M or A and then that would just be to much to handle alone. SO I called my mom and told her I may go with her instead and she said that D this guy did not know that we were going and she figured she would just run into us while we were downtown. I told her never mind I would just go alone and if we saw them then we would see them, I said that I did not want to feel uncomfortable around D or for him to feel weird, and I did not want to be a third wheel. Then she started saying how she felt so terrible and that she felt like between the x-mas party and the downtown thing she was be so horrible. I was really upset with that comment because I felt like I was wrong for having my feeling hurt. She is the one who flaked on me not the other way around. I feel so blown off and and sad.

So long story short my roomie told me she would change her plans and come with me, I'm so grateful for that I just could not do it alone!

Ok so I just got a phone call from my mom, and this is what I'm talking about.......I feel like shit, she told me that she feels like she has been a terrible mom and grandma and that she has put me in shity situations 2x in a week and she said sorry so much and told me not to tell her it was ok but to please just take it. I told her thank you. I know she is going through a lot with her mom being gone so I don't blame her but I am just sad & I want to be happy but I feel so alone. I have little c and my mom and a few friends and for that I am grateful but there is this part of me that I can not get a hold of that is SO desperately lonely!! Why can't I just allow myself to feel hurt even if I got an apology? I now just feel so bad because she is hurting. God I hate that I do not allow myself to just "be" with me and in my own world.
I have or was so "up" last week with the whole Christmas time thing but now I feel so down and I just want to cuddle up with little C and be away from the rest of the world. I want no contact with anyone. I want to laugh and cry and be angry and throw some damn eggs at the most hated person in my life...........C's dad!
This has NOTHING to do with him but I just want to do it!

I have tomorrow off of work because little C has a Dr. appt which I hate but it is his 3yr check up and we have to do it......... He is gonna have to get shots and that just makes me sick to think about. I am also going to talk to his Dr. about him being tested for diabetes, I'm terrified to have that done but at this point I KNOW it needs to be....Wish us luck in negative test results please.

Ok I hate this, I want to delete this post because now I feel horrible for even writing it!!!! I want to be able to be ok and sit with my feeling but I really don't think it is possible!

My Bestest Friend!!!!!!

Truly he is......he really really is!
Best friends, I have been really trying to find the meaning of one and I have realized a best friend is there for you no matter what, they love you no matter what, they listen to you no matter what......well as much as a 3 y/o can, they hug you and kiss you and tell you your my best friend momma. Little C is that to me, he loves me no matter how happy, sad, lonely, angry, excited, tired, and lame I am. I have never had the connection I have with him with anyone else in my life, and it makes me so feel like I can go on in life knowing that he is my one true forever best friend.

I love you bubba!

I'm feeling ok today I guess, it's raining out WHICH I HATE, so that is a bit depressing and my weight is kakakakakakakakaka!!! SO freaking huge, I swear if I stop engaging I gain in no time at all and it freaking sucks!

I think I'm in a bit of a depression mixed with a odd sense of nothingness (is that even a word) what I mean by this is I feel really empty sort of at a place where I want to feel but it's just not happening!
I'm sick with bronchitis and my head is all foggy maybe that is part of it but I'm not really sure. I was talking to my mom last night and telling her that right now I am not feeling like doing anything except hanging with little C, I don't want to go out I don't want to see anyone else I don't want to do anything but hang with him. Maybe that's a good thing but I also feel like I need grownups in my life also! ERRRRRRRRRR whats a single mom to do!

Ok this is kind of gross but my clinic smells like hot dogs and it is seriously making my want to vomit! It's to early for that disgusting smell. Sorry that was totally off but it was what was in my head. That right there should tell you where I'm at right now.

SO I was listening to this radio morning show that I listen to every morning, and yesterday they really pissed me off. They were talking about anorexic and bulimics being not human! FUCK THEM!

Ok I will post later busy day at work! But I wanted to tell you how much I love and treasure all of you!
xo Lauren

I love this picture!!

Christmas, are you kidding me....................22 days ugh!!! Actually I am really excited about it. I took little C to play in the snow on Sat, it was at someones house and ended up being a great time, he had never seen snow before but my god I was impressed... He jumped on the board and totally was ready to try snow boarding, he is freaking 3....No fear I tell ya! NONE!!!!

This weekend, was ok, not very exciting, but pretty relaxing. I had a good weekend as far as engaging is concerned, only a couple of times which is so much better than it has been.
I feel like right now engaging is the only way I am going to pull through this holiday season with no sadness!
I'm so lonely right now, not so much in the man department, that part I really don't care about but as far as the friends part goes, I'm so not into mine, I have one gf, who I feel like I try so much with and I keep getting blown off for some reason. Who knows, and honestly I don't care..........Ok I'm lying I do care and I do miss her but my god wtf. Something weird happened with her and I last night and I have been really annoyed about it. I could careless who any of my friends date but when they totally blow off their gf's that is just fucked. I don't get people who do that. Then they want you to be there when they are hurting. I'm over not knowing who my true friend are. I swear I feel like other than my roomie I have none,, ok I'm totally lying!!! I'm at work and I cannot answer my phone at this moment however as I was writing that, Carla was calling and I so wanted to pick up,,,I wish my boss would just leave!!!!! I love you guys, I know where my real friends are in this world...they are all right here........

I'm sad and don't want to vent anymore!
How can this time of year be so damn confusing!

Poo

Not in the mood to post today, but wanted to send everyone hugs and wish you all an amazing weekend!!
love you
lauren

Deleted!

Ok it's gone, and I feel like I can breathe a bit more!

Sitting here at work today I'm feeling a bit, I don't know confused maybe. I just had somewhat of a not so great episode, and when it was over I was of course washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and was totally disgusted. I did not even know who I was looking at. I braided my hair last night and it totally looks like a fro and the circle's around my eyes are so dark. I look not good, I look ugly. I hate these "ugly days" they are so difficult, when nothing looks good, hair, face, clothes, nothing. I think I am pms'g sorry I know to much info but I think I am. My tummy hurts and I want to eat something and not feel the urge to purge.
I have to get back on track, I cannot go down this road of constant binge and purging, it is helpful to no one.
I cannot do this shit to little C again. He deserves such a better mom than me. He really does.
I want so much for him and I feel like I am never going to be able to give it to him, emotionally, financially, spiritually, I feel like I am the worst mom ever. I don't want it to be like that.
I want him to have such a full and happy life, full of all the wonderful and exciting things that I never had, the things that I always promised him he would have.
The question here really is how am I going to be able to do it?

I find myself pushing people away and ignoring things I should not and that is what I do when I start to cycle out of control.
STOP HEIDI STOP!

I know it is real when I actually use my "real" name on this page!

I wish I felt sad, maybe that would help me realize what I need to do with these issues more but the truth is I don't I don't feel anything but guilt and that can be blocked by purging, well for the time being.
I think I'm getting bronchitis..........my chest is so tight and I am coughing the worst cough ever!
hack hack hack!!!!!!!

I have been trying for the last few days to figure out what I need to do to get my sons last name dropped off of his birth certificate and it is the biggest pain in the ass to get a hold of anyone in records, I have the paperwork but do not want to send it in until I can ask some questions about it.
A few weeks ago I heard from Sam his sperm donor and he said that he wanted to be in C's life but have not heard from him since, not even on Thanksgiving. Nothing new I guess I should have figured he would do this shit again but I wanted to be open and give him the benefit of the doubt.....my bad. SO 2 days ago I got a hold of his friend and told him to please tell Sam that he blew it for the last time and to NEVER contact me again. I said that until little C is of the age to decide he will have nothing to do with him. I swear he must have been all cracked out to have even gotten a hold of me after 2 years and then go away again!
I don't even feel bad about it. I have decided that I am going to go file for full custody of him. I have never done it before because the guy at the court house told me that if I file I could end up owing him child support if I made more and that he would get some form of custody unless he was living in a box on the street, which as far as I know he basically is, does a van on the street count? I called on my child support the other day and they told me that the case was still open and that he has had a few jobs in the last 2 years but that he quits them before they can take any money out!
FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to just get over it, I mean I don't hate him anymore but I hate that he does not want to clean up his life and even take a chance in knowing my little man!!!!
Who does that???
I ask that question all the time and never get an answer!
Well that's enough for now!!
Is it FRIDAY YET?

Fearful a bit

Feeling a huge need to delete my last couple of posts, due to fear, not from any of you but because I have no idea who really has access to my blog, even though it is private, I am still feeling freaked out!.
SO either today of tomorrow I will delete my posts. I want to get it out there that I am not doing it out of being embarrassed at all (even though I am) it is just out of fear of who is out there that I don't know about!
I did not have little C last night so I went home and slept, well after a really big b/p episode........
I so wanted to make that phone call last night, and actually I did but when I called I made up a stupid question to ask the lady who answered so that I could avoid asking for this person. Seriously I will try today when it gets slow at work!
I think I am swollen this morning, my rings feel really tight and I now do not look like I have lost any weight. I am in a good place as far as my ideal weight because I am totally satisfied with the thought of being at my goal weight (per Dr) I have no interest in being lower than that, I just had to get rid of these extra 10 lbs I gained from my birth control pills! They are the devil I tell ya!
I have had a pretty good morning and am pretty alert and ready to work, my favorite patient is coming in today and I have not seen him since before thanksgiving so I'm excited about that!!! I love my patients!
I wanted to tell you guys out there who have really reached out to me how much I appreciate it. How is it possible to feel closer to people that I have never met than with people I have known my entire life??
That alone says a lot about how amazing you guys are!!!!!
xoxoxoxo

HEEHEE I am smiling!!!!!

I hate been sitting here all day trying to avoid even looking at my blog due to the complete lack of interest to post about ME!
I have been trying to catch up on all of you and in some way that helps me to just ignore the fact that I have no want or need to talk about me.
But like always when I don't want to that is usually when it needs to happen the most.
This little holiday break was so good for me and little C. He ended up spending Wednesday night with my dad which was good because my mom and I had a date night which ended up turning into a huge date, M came out and a few of my moms guy friends. It was weird I had not talked to M at all and then he sent me a text asking me if I was going out and I said yes, he wanted to hang.
I know I know pathetic but yet again I wanted to believe it was "real"!
We all actually had a great time.
I went and got little man on tg morning and went back to my moms where we spent the day. we ended up making home made Christmas cards for the grand parents and aunts and uncles. It was so much fun, paper, glitter, glue, stamps, ribbon, all kinds of stuff and little c loved every minute of it! They turned out AWESOME!!!! God he is amazing.
We ended up having dinner which consisted of king crab, asparagus, salad, and french bread. It was perfect..... Little c had steak!! YUCK!
I was so grateful to be with my mom and little c, I could not have picked a better setting other than if my nana could have been there. TG was her 2 months since passing. It was a hard day due to that, but being able to talk about her and to her was so what both my mom and I needed! God I miss her!!!!!!!!
M ended up coming over (wait you know what.......I'm DONE! I actually no longer want to give him anymore of my precious energy let alone blog space!) YIPPY I'm actually smiling!!!! Ha is that possible? Guess what it may not be but I am!!! First real one concerning him and a LONG time!!!!!!!!

Ok so I just got a phone call from someone and I cannot tell you how happy I am...It was a voicemail but I will be calling back soon! Not ready to say who until we chat but I will fill you in as soon as I know it's ok!

Anyways back to my weekend, little c and I hung out the whole time just him and I and it was such needed mommy and me time!!!!!!!!!
Ugh work just got really busy so this is it for now!!!
Love and best wishes to you all!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving! 2nd post today-damn I'm good!

Little C at his first Thanksgiving,, chunky cheeks and all...... grubbing to his little hearts desire...

I wish that for all of you!!! Be safe and be good to yourself!

<3 Lauren and Little C

Cravings

Woke up this morning, late of course and anxious. Had to drive to my dads to drop off little C for the day and tonight, biggest going out night of the year in my little town and going out with my mom so that should be lots o fun!!! she is the best date ever!!
Anyways back to the anxiety......Left my house and got on the road only to realize I forgot my phone, I suddenly felt sick about it, pathetic how a phone could do that to me, anyways it's not like I'm getting phone calls left and right or anything actually pretty sad lately, I'll be happy when the bill comes at least!
So dropped off little C and got back on the road to work when seriously ALL OF THE SUDDEN I was starving, no no no not just starving but the kind of starving when you feel like you want to vomit all over (sorry) and like you insides are turning inside out, that little creature from alien is working its way around and you want to yell at everyone to get the hell out of your way so you can make it to the drive thru without any accidents,,,, yeah well that was nothing compared to what I felt.
I knew that even though I was so hungry it was going to be a situation where either I deal with the pain or I have an episode......Lately I have no control or I feel that way at least, funny because when I engage that is usually the only time I feel in control, but needless to say I lost this particular battle. My urges have not been so strong since before my last treatment, I think I am just feeling so much anxiety about thanksgiving and the fact that tomorrow is 2 months since my nana passed away and I'm really having a difficult time with that!
My M issues have lifted a bit which feels pretty good, however this feeling of being desperate to call which is what I AM dealing with is the crazy hard part. I have stayed strong since last week so that feels both good and bad, how can you miss someones voice soooooo much?

SO I have been trying to think of a fun art project to do with little C tomorrow and having a hard time coming up with one, I'm no good at that kind of stuff.....Beth had the great idea so props to you babe! Any suggestions I would love to hear!!!

Well I won't most likely be posting for a while, I know things will be crazy this week and weekend, AM I READY???? Not sure all I can to is try, try ,try to do my best. Not going to punish myself for today just going to move forward from it!!! Best idea I think.

Are you kidding me

OMG I cannot get this horrible feeling of guilt out of my stomach!!!! UGH where is it coming from???? Help............................. Please..............................

Who's to say anyone deserves anything?

I forget sometimes how lucky I really am. I hate that about myself but at least I can realize it at this very moment even if it is a passing one.

DG- Oh man sweetie, I received you package last night when I got home and I cannot tell you how it came at the most perfect time. I had been planning a huge B/P episode and then I opened it.
dg sent me "The Real Me being the girl god sees" by Natalie Grant, as well as her cd, which I need to add right now I LOVE!!!!!!
I started the book as soon as I put my little man to bed last night and I cannot tell you how fast I am going thru it which is so rare for me because I tend to get bored with books quite easily, there are a select few though that I have loved. (thanks Rob and Joe also)!!
This book is awesome, I can really see why it did make an impact on you.
DG thank you so much for taking the time to think about me and sending me that, I'm so grateful to have you in my life you have no idea.
This little blog world of mine is exactly that "mine" the one thing in my life that NO ONE can take away from me, ON ONE can invade unless I allow them to, NO ONE can effect me unless I allow them to, the one place in my life where I never feel judged or taken for granted of. I love all of you!!

So today I am in sort of a weird place that I am having a hard time understanding. Although I was able to refrain from having an episode at that moment last night it did not last the entire night. I was not even hungry at all and I went out and got food. Then this am I engaged again. I SO COMPLETELY understand where Sarah is coming from in her post today when she was talking about the roller coaster. This cycle I am so afraid one day is going to kill me. Not because of being to thin because god know right now I am no where near thin but because of my heart or a stroke or something like that. Yesterday I went on to somethingfishy and my morbid self went under the link to see all the people who have passed away from this fucking horrible disease (you know where you can light a candle) well I was reading what people had written and for the first time it scared me, maybe that is good but at the same time I feel like today I am in that "I just don't give a damn" place where I'm ok with engaging actually I'm enjoying it. SICK I KNOW.
Yesterday I was having a really hard time with wanting to call or massage M and I refrained however guess who sent me a message....I was pretty cold with him and basically told him I was not interested in chatting well in a round about way but I held onto the fact that he fucking hurt me and I don't want to allow that anymore.
I just want to heal.
I was thinking this am about what it was like the first time I got out of treatment and I remembered that I went almost 4 years without purging, how is that possible I think to myself now! I remember that I was completely disgusted with all of it and wanted nothing to do with it anymore and now I look at it and I cannot imagine my life completely empty from it.
It just feels so easy to engage and not focus.

Will I ever Heal!

To heal, what does that even mean to me?

Something to think about I guess.

I want to love myself and feel like I deserve to be happy, in the front of my mind I do believe that I deserve that and then I remember how many people I have hurt not only recently with A but people in my past.

To much to think about on the Tuesday before thanksgiving...................................

Thank you again so much dg!!!!
Love to all of you!

Nothing but Confused

How do you get over that horrible urge to get ahold of someone you know you shouldn't?
That is my question for today! Confused!!

Seems like it is one of those questions like "Why can't I stop binging and purging"?

No answer simply time, right?

Fuck time, I'm sick and tired of that being the answer, one day at a time Lauren, one step at a time, in time you will feel better, take time for yourself.....Are you kidding me?

Time does nothing except make me deal with all of these issues longer than I want to. It extends the healing process, and the hurting painful feeling all of the voices going off inside and worst of all the b/p'ng.

I would like to say it was a productive weekend, and to a point it was but it also was difficult. I have not talked to M since last Thursday and it was all fine until this am, for some reason this am it has been really hard. I just want to email or text him so I can say hi and that I hope he had a great weekend with his daughter,,,, but I know that will do nothing but make me look pathetic and I refuse to let him see that I have feelings about this. He does not deserve that.

Ugh I just need someone to take his place.......
Went out with my gf on Friday and had a great time, it was a bit weird because my brother his gf and another girl lets just call her L, anyways we were having a great time, and L started totally hitting on me, not that I have not dealt with this issue before because I have but this time it felt weird, part of me was totally turned off and a bit annoyed, but the other part of me wanted nothing more but to be open to the idea of it, I felt like everything I talked to her about that night she heard and really cared about but not in a friend way in a I guess you could say a partner way. I have been in situations with women before in my life (sorry this is so personal) but not in many many years, and basically just doing the experimentation thing but this felt a bit scary and unfamiliar. So needless to say I turned away like I always do and ran to the hottest guy in the bar, so I could flirt and simply not care about anything that was going on in my head. This guy will call him J haha total hottie and totally only 24 which always seems to happen, anyways drunk me never fails to give out my number and now he will not stop calling, he called as soon as we left the bar, shit what ever happened to the 3 day rule haha not really I hate that rule! But now I have to be a big wimp and ignore him which seems mean or I have to be honest which seem just like to much to deal with right now!!!

God is it really almost Thanksgiving???? UGH so not looking forward to it....Depressing one this year. I feel like this is the only Holiday I am not good at when it comes to Little C. Oh well I guess if that's the worst thing I have lots to be grateful for!!!!

I will do my list later this week

Not sure where I was going with this post, random......ugh I'm sick of that word!

I miss my nana!!!

Strong when I'm engaging how is that possible?

Ok enough with the horoscope crap, Beth is right it is a waste!



So today has been a pretty good day feeling wise, I feel really strong actually, which is somewhat odd because I had had a terrible last 2 days with purging. We had our open house last night at work and my gross self seriously b/p'd like 4 times, all that party food, ugh I did not know what to do. Then came into work today and did it again.

What is going on Lauren?



I think I know if I turn all of the stuff in my head into wanting to b/p I start to remember how strong I feel when I engage and that I can focus on that and not the "real" issues that have built up.

It's weird though I have felt myself smile alot today, some good emails that "always" make me smile, some great comments from the cul-de-sac I love knowing your here! And two really big smiles, one for ae your awesome and your work is so freaking powerful and inspiring to us! and one for something that just happened at work....
So if you don't know I work in a Training Center for Home Dialysis, meaning we have patients come in to train on home machines so that they do not have to go to in-centers 3 times a week, and then feel like shit the days they don't have dialysis, it's an amazing place, I know I have spoke of it before, little things about my favorite patients and when I lose a patient, well about 3 months ago we started training a man who had never done dialysis before and about a month into his treatment I was at work with my boss and there was a mishap when the patient had accidentally taken off to much fluid, well when this happened the patient totally started to have seizures, his B/P completely dropped and he started to vomit and choke on it, it was so scary and we so almost lost him. Well moving on he is married to an amazing woman and they came in for their monthly appt to see their Dr. and his wife got here first, she was all excited and came into my office and said that she had just found out that she was a perfect match for her husband, kidney transplant match that is!! When her husband (the patient) got here I took him back and while we were all back in the room with him she told him,,,,it was such an emotional moment, I lost it completely had to leave the room, they both cried and my god what a crazy world we live in when you can look at your husband and tell them that you can possibly put them out of this living nightmare by giving them one of your organs, let me save your life she said!....Fuck...SO fucking awesome!
Going out with my gf tonight, lots to drink and lots of singing I hope!!! I need a mind eraser please!
Well I'm thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but a wonderful weekend, Love you
Lauren

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Astrolis.com: Libra (November 15th, 2007)
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is yours. There are some things you just cannot change, no matter how hard you try. It is time to admit this to yourself and move on. ...


SERIOUSLY: WHY DO I KEEP READING THIS CRAP?


Ok so tired of thinking about M and tired of talking about him too..

Rough night, but I'm here today, here to not give up on myself and continue to keep fighting this damn war in my head~

I swear these horoscopes are freaking me out!

The sooner you let go of any rancour or animosity, the better. Of course we all have people who annoy us. Even if we love someone, they can drive us half way around their bend with their constant carry on, their mad ideas, inane comments and general Just Being-ness. Often they're the people we love most. However, being mad with them for too long at any one time is just silly. You know and I know that life is too short! So prepare you heart - you're about to make peace with someone.
Seriously this horoscope could not me more true today!!!!!!! I just heard from my sons father, wtf??? It was so weird, I wanted to get sick so badly but I held onto the feeling and worked thru it. I thought I was going to be so pissed but the more we text back and forth I found myself not hating him at all, but actually wanting him to get his shit together and be the dad that he is supposed to be to little c. He told me that he wanted to reconnect but on my terms, and I told him that I would never take little c from him but that my terms meant CLEAN AND SOBER!!! He said he wanted the same, I sent him some pictures and told him he could call whenever he wanted.
How can you dislike someones actions and feel so sorry for them at the same time. I hope he actually makes an effort to see little c, but will see what happens, I told him that if is not going to continue a relationship with C then not to come around because I will never let him make C feel like he is not wanted by his dad!
Anyways I'm doing ok, I think it was good to hear from Sam today because it sortof took my mind off M which is so what I needed!!! Maybe god does really work in mysterious ways!! I also got an email from the Rector at the church I started going to, she wants to go have lunch with me, how cool is that!!!!

Open your eyes Lauren it's a brand new day!!!

Time to deal.........................
Ok so for starters I sent a text to M last night telling him I made a mistake the night before in talking about "one last time", and that it was NOT going to happen, yippy for me, realized I was being a stupid girl and thinking it was going to change his feelings on a long term stand point, "Heidi it's not gonna happen" DEAL!!

So having an ok day so far feeling quite sad but still better than yesterday and the day before, one day at a time right?

Eating has been ok I guess, bagel and some chicken or crab at night, guess that's not great but shit I'm eating.

Waking up this am was sort of weird, I heard my roomie yelling at her little ones, which is a pain in the ass to hear at 6:00am but who knows I may be doing the same thing if I had 2 1/2 year old twin boys.......anyways I rolled over and kissed my little man, perfect little lips of his.....His asthma is yet again driving him crazy and he has barely ate anything in 3 days. I hate seeing him hurt and cough so hard. He is really good with the inhaler however he makes me take a puff after he does, and he gets to administer it and thinks its so funny, I love his little laugh, I wish I could record it and play it for you all!

I miss M but I'm so angry with him and maybe that is what I need right now...It's a beautiful day and I deserve more dammit!!!

Too bad todays horoscope is not true for me, speaking up got me single again!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr I'm so frustrated!

Libra (9/23-10/22)
When it comes right down to it, life is pretty much all about negotiations. You give a little, they give a little, and together you come to an agreement that is mutually beneficial (in theory). Today, one of your negotiations may be off balance. If you feel you're sacrificing too much (at work, in a relationship or with some family obligations), then speak up. If you come to the table with a solution in mind, they'll be more likely to renegotiate and give you what you need.

Loving someone and being in love

I really do think I fell in love with M.
Now I find myself being so confused and angry that I had to say enough and I want more. I did the worst thing last night, (god I'm embarrassed to say this) I texted him telling him I wanted to be with him one last time...........(ICK I feel to lame for saying that). Not sure if I did it because I have NEVER connected with someone on a sexual level the way I do with him and I don't want that to go away or if I said it because I don't want to let go and I hope in the back of my mind that he will not want it to end.
How stupid am I?
F Lauren don't you know you deserve more.............

No or you would not be doing this.

Ok why am I talking in 3rd party.

I hate him for making me feel like I could be "me". It's not fair. Part of me feels like I need to just not call when it comes to Thursday night and just be true to myself, but I miss him sooooooooooooooo much and I miss hearing his voice. I want to stop crying.
I'm trying my hardest to feel like I can just forget or ignore all of this, I actually called my ex from 10 years ago.....my "whatif" just so I could talk to someone who I know no matter what loves and cares about me for me. I never have to pretend to him, he listens and simply lets me "BE"
I feel like I need to just date and go out to forget but really will this help me to forget the pain I feel and the love I have for M?

Dg and Carla, thank you both so much for all of your support in this, you both mean so much to me and I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to have someone who "gets it"
I want everyone else to know how much I appreciate them as well, please no one think that their words do not count or hit home when I read them,,,,
they do!!!!

I miss M and am soo sad I just cannot even think straight.
I want to erase all that has happened, I have lost friends in this and now M, where was the benefit again?

Oh well karma is a BITCH I guess.

I feel so nasty with my body right now I want to take a pencil and stand in front of a mirror trace out the whole sick picture and erase all of the negatives which basically would leave the mirror a blank slate. How I want to love my body and how I hate it so.

I have been listening to this song on my Blue October CD over and over and over and now I'm at the point where I want to fucking brake it and stomp on it and put it in the disposal, I'm hating that one of my favorite bands now only reminds me of M. after taking him to meet them,errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fucking men. will it ever happen for me? I'm sick and tired of the single life, and not having someone to share myself with, but at the same time I would feel sorry for any guy who has to deal with me! I'm tired of being alone, in the last 12 years I have had two serious relationships, one with my "whatif corey" and the other with my sons father and really 5 of those years have been single. I miss being with someone who I want to be with longer than for sex, sorry so blunt but whatever......M was the first person in 4 years I really wanted to spend time with!
I'm sick of my body..................................................
Sick and tired
Sick and tired and angry with my body
I just want to explode over and over and over,
I ate a bagel this am and feel sick about it, I hate carbs, they are so damn scary and the thought of it sitting in me when I have just lost 5 lbs getting off the pill makes me angry, because I know my body and if I stick to protein I'm fine but once I step outside the box I'm fucked!
Fucked Fucked Fucked!



"Sorry for the foul mouth today"

Thats is!! I'm done I'm done I'm done

I cannot stand the pain of making the decision to end something with a man I care about.......................HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURTS!!!
I don't want to purge in the vomit sense but I want to purge in tears and in feelings and I have no idea how to do it! I spent all day Sat and Sunday other than Church and a beer at the local dump bar with some random 55years old spilling my sad pathetic life, I missed a phone call I was supposed to make, pathetic I am just am having issues with putting my feelings off on someone who I care about!
Thought from M over the weekend..................,,,,,,, I don't want to hurt your feelings H but I don't think you have any confidence in yourself!!!! FUCK YOU M!

I'm sorry!!

I
Me
Myself
All about me right? No not right.
My feelings are important............that is what I want to believe, I want to feel that I can trust in my feeling and when I question them it makes me feel like they are bullshit and not worth anything, meaning they are not real, to me they are though.
Had a bit of a rough night in a selfish way though.
Situation.......my roomie and her twins father have been going thru the whole child support thing and the court order just came thru for her. I'm really happy for her really I am but at the same time I'm sick to my stomach about it. I feel that those boys deserve everything and so that is the reason why I feel like poo because I'm pissed, I'm pissed that my sons father is over $12,000 in debt in child support and that I will never see a fucking penny of it. I'm pissed that I bust my ass off day in and day out and Sam does not give a fuck about his son, I'm pissed that financially I never thought I would be in the situation I am in. I'm pissed that every holiday and every birthday I become extremely stressed because I have no idea how I'm going to afford everything, when I want to give him everything he deserves.
Simply I'm pissed! I'm stressed that Christmas is coming so quickly and I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off this year. Bills just keep coming.
Can someone cut me some fucking slack please!




Ok
so
now
it
is time............




I have been completely avoiding talking about this because I have been really scared about how to bring it up.
I have to say this first to Carla.........sweetie I treasure you.

I have been luckily in my mind to have had so many things come up for me in the last few weeks that have made my situation "non available" to meet Carla, But things seem to be calming down the next two weeks and I'm deathly scared to meet. I hate how I look and how much weight I have gained I cannot even bare the thought that I am bulimic and look like a fat ass, I have never been the bulimic who has been a normal weight woman it has ALWAYS been the underweight bulimic anorexic.
I'm scared not of judgement from anyone but the.................FUCK I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I hate my weight and I'm scared of Carla or anyone else seeing it on me. I want so deeply to have these connections with anyone I can and I feel like I'm losing that chance by being afraid of what someone will think when they see me. I hate writing this because I don't want anyone to think that I feel or ever have felt judgement from anyone because I have not I'm just embarrassed nothing more nothing less!! God maybe M is right, I do sabotage relationships

Why no comments to my last post!!!!

I chose to have no comments to the last post only because I hated what I had to write and by no means did I want to make others feel like they had to try to make me feel better, I really felt pathetic about that post so please know that never do I want to make others feel like they need to make me feel better, you all make me feel better no matter what!!!!!!!
I will post later today, just wanted to make sure I wrote this!!!

Question of the day

is how in the hell have i managed to get so freaking fat?
I have never in my life felt so disgusting about my body, I'm completely embarrassed to even be at work in front of people I see everyday. I'm disgusting and I know it is true because I see it every time I look in the mirror or walk by a window and see my fat ass reflection....
I try day in and day out to eat right and I seem to do fine until night time hits and then I seem to give in by eating those damn killer carbs or all of that freaking chocolate that I have left in my house. I can eat 2 pieces and I feel like I ate 20. I want to b/p so fucking badly I cannot even begin to tell you how bad my urges and wants are today, but I have to stay strong, I have not done it in almost a week and that feels really good, just to bad that I have lied to everyone else in my life about how long it has been. I feel terrible about lying but I hate people worrying about me even more. M is always talking about demons that I am fighting and I HATE that I feel so weak by him saying that, and last night I told him to back off........I told him that I was doing all I could to deal with what is going on and as far as he know it has been alot longer than 1 week since I have engaged but I just hate the thought of him thinking I am struggling so much or am a weak person. I will not let anyone think that of me, I refuse to give into anyone out there..................... This is my safe haven, this is honestly my rock, this is where I get my courage, by each and everyone of you whom I see deal with all different kinds of situations and never do I see any of you giving up even when it feels completely hopeless. I know how hard that is to do I live it everyday too and I just thank god seriously or my hp whatever that I have this place.
I want, need, have, to lose this damn weight, I cannot stand it anymore, really I don't know what to do! I hate my stomach and my thighs so gd much it is making me crazy, I have no time to workout unless I get up at 4:30 to run and there is no way is hell I'm doing that, ok maybe I just need to suck it up and do it, what do I have to lose other than a little bit of sleep.
Not time to think about where all this is coming from..................................
Wait never mind I don't think I want to

Shut up Lauren and think!

Honestly I hate this I hate that this cannot simply be about my weight, how is that possible that I cannot simply just feel and look fat without there being anything else involved.

I am fucking fat and right now to white to even look at myself and basically in a nutshell fat!!
I'm angry with myself for feeling like this right now, I'm angry that I cannot allow myself to just "be", will that ever happen to me I wonder? It has to right?

Ok lets think about so positives for a minute....

What am I grateful for---
1-more than anything in this world my little man
2-my mom who is my number 1 supporter-
3-you all of you!!!!!
4-that I allow others to love me weather or not I believe I deserve it is a different story.
5-my gf L she just went back into IOP today and she is having such a hard time but is being the fighting trooper I know she is, I love you L!!
6-
Ok that is enough for today......

I need to get off work already, I'm going to my dads and step moms tonight because I cannot bare to go home and deal with my roomie right now, she is a freaking errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I have the hardest time when she cannot deal and when the boys are there, I'm so glad that she is not gonna have them tomorrow til Sat night, I need a break and so does she. Her son was hitting the shit out of little C last night and after the 3rd time she took care of it and then was acting weird like it was my kids fault because he likes to tell on them shit I would to is someone was hitting me,,,my little man I have been lucky enough only hit me haha, better than others I guess. Anyways she would not even allow her kid around little c this am and when she finally called me she said that she was taking things personal because c is not really one to share and likes to whine. I told her that she needs to grow up (yet again) and realizes that these are 3year old boys we are dealing with and that EVERYTHING is not about her!!!

Ok just had to vent about that for a min....
Ok so not ok, why did Our patient just bring in a HUGE apple strudel and whip cream!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH are you kidding me, the smell alone is driving me mad!!!! That's is I voe none for me none at all
Fat ass Lauren this is not ok.

I have no title for this one! Read and you will understand...Simply boring!

How is it that I have gotten to were I hear about others getting and that is that posting has been really feeling like a chore lately.. I really want to do it, I do but I feel like my energy level has dropped down to zero and I cannot manage to do anything but check in on all of you.
Feeling somewhat numb and somewhat open, had a pretty good weekend I did something yesterday that I really did not believe I would ever do on my own, but I did it.......I went to church ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....how in the heck did I pull that one off???
Not to sure...
But it felt so good to do...
No pressure....
just love and sweetness from everyone there.
I want to go back, I just want to not feel forced and I scared that if I go back then people may start pushing there beliefs on my and honestly I need to find my own belief something that works for me not something that someone wants for me, I never do well with that.
Little C and I had a busy day after church, we hit the park, out to lunch, and went to see the "Bee Movie" soooooooooooooo freaking cute..
We had a great day. I dropped him off with my dad on Thursday and got him Sat night, all I know is that was way to long for me to deal with!! I missed him so much. Although he is driving me a bit crazy though, he is picking out all of his clothes that HE wants to wear, and I'm so not liking it. I know I need to let him choose sometimes but there is no way he is leaving the house in his hawaiian swim trunks, red pj scooby shirt and his green/black vans.....NOT HAPPENING! I don't care how mean that makes me....since I picked him up from my dads he has been sticking his tongue out and spitting at me, also NOT OK! I seriously feel like I want to walk out of the room and cry when he does that crap. I know he is a boy but I'm just not used to dealing with that kind of stuff.
Things with M.................hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I think I'm going to leave that one alone for right now, lets just say if I hear "Lauren you are doing nothing but sabotaging this relationship one more time I'm going to scream"! I do that I guess...why should I even deserve being in this relationship?
Deserve Lauren???Hun you don't
DESERVE
shit!

My perfect little DRAGON

What an amazing little man I have been blessed with!!!
We had such a fun time last night.....Took a bit to convince little C to want to wear his costume outside to go trick or treating but once we did it was so much fun. Granted I had to hold him most of the time because he was being shy but once he got the hang of it he did not want to stop. Needless to say we got to much candy and that was not the greatest thing for me because I ransacked his bag for all of the tootsie rolls and then whatever else I could find that I was not hungry for but still ate. I was supposed to go out with my mom however she was not feeling to well and then M was gonna come with but was having a hard time due to the fact that he could not be with his daughter,(which I completely understood) so it was just little C and me and that ended up being even better because it was "OUR TIME" and I loved it!
Yesterday was an odd day for me, with the scale and all the body image stuff but with the words of all of you to help me I was able to somehow make it thru, still having a bit of a hard day today because of my b/p'ing and all that I ate and kept down along with the fact that I went to the Dr. for my TMJ this am and had to get on the scale and I asked the girl not to tell me my weight but like a dumb ass I looked anyways and I was freaking 2 lbs heavier than yesterday.....ERRRRRR how does this happen? I just want to be xxx lbs why won't that happen for me? Today that is it no more chocolate, no more goodies, no more juice, nothing bad only healthy!!! I know I can do it I have to or else before you know it I will be 8,000lbs, then what?
Doing dinner with M and his roomie tonight, Salmon salad...I'm going to try to attempt to make it so wish me luck or I will have two angry hungry men after me.

Ok well just ate my lunch and no purging or binging, which is good, I had tuna salad, I swear I eat that every freaking day lately. You would think I would get sick of it but no such luck!
Well that's all for now, thank you for the support lately everyone I have needed it BIG TIME!!!!!
love lauren

Happy Freaking HallowFAT Day to me!!!!

Ok it is official...I'm fat, ugly, and repulsive....I am so disgusted with my body I can barely stand living in it. I got on the scale and I am at my highest weight without being prego ever. I am scary to even look at. Never have I been so freaking fat. Why in the hell did I get on the scale today. God it sure is a SCARY DAY!

I'm done

I'm done, I'm finished, I'm over it.............................
I realized I have spent so much time and so much energy on A that it was getting nowhere other than putting so much shit on me and M and I have been doing nothing but second guessing him since. It's not fair to him or me and until he proves me wrong which who knows if he will but I just need to stop the "madness" and move forward..
I had a really nice weekend, went to dinner with M on Friday, had a really great time other than when I went to the bathroom after to fresh in up and when I came out I got a few dirty looks from him and a kiss to figure out if I had gotten sick (which I had not) it was a bit weird because I'm not used to answering to ANYONE especially a man when it comes to my ed.
I have been doing really good as far as the b/p'ng had a bit of an episode on Sat night but other than than all has been ok even though I have been eating till I get full which is not something that I am used to doing. I guess you could say I'm dealing.
Had a bit of a pain in my ass day yesterday, took little C to the park and had my car key fall off my key chain. I could not find it anywhere so I had my roomie come get me and taken me to my moms, which was a pain but had to be done considering I was stranded. I got to my moms and found out by AAA that I had no luck in finding a lock smith in my town which totally sucked, AAA told me I had to go threw a residential company and they would pay $100 of it but when I called them the want 300 which I just could not afford, so I decided to have my car towed this am to the dealer ship and have them look my vin number. HOWEVER I got a phone call from M at like 8:30 last night and he was at the park with a flashlight looking for my keys, and guess what.....He found them. How sweet was that? Ugh I hate feeling venerable which is what I totally feel with him. How do I let my guard down and allow him in completely? I guess it will or won't come with time. All I know is what he did last night was so important to me and I can honestly say that no man that I have been with would have done that for me.
Little C is doing really great, my little stinky although he has learned the whold firend that and keeps tell me,"I not your friend momma, I Mickie's friends" totally hurts my feeling but I just tell him "Well your my friend weather you like it or not" haha I wear the pants in that relationship!!!
Sat and Sunday were pretty quiet, I was going to go out with my gf's but I decided that it just may not be a great idea all things considered I think I need to lay low for a bit!!!
Thank all of you for the invite requests it feels really good to know that others are interested in reading about me and my bull, sorry it has been so much lately my head has just been crazy full of crap!!
Interesting story............my roomie who has been so judgemental with everything going on with me, has just started seeing a married man...........WTF, at least M is in the final stages of his divorce, this guy is married, has a 1 1/2 year old and a with who is 8 weeks prego. I had not advice and no judgement to give, its just so odd to me that she could be so critical of me when I know for a fact if I was to come at her about something like this she would so go off on me! One sided judgemental person. I would never judge her just odd how she can do it so easily to me! Oh well people are different I guess.
I hope you all have had a great weekend,I have something I need to talk about but not ready....big surprise huh!!!! Not bad just feeling a bit scared!!!

It just keeps getting worse

Im so glad I made this blog private because she is making me crazy, Now she went onto myspace and sent the letter out to all my friends there. I could not deal anymore and I called her, it was not pretty, I have let all this other shit slip but that was the last straw, basically I told her I will file harassment charges if she did not stop. We yelled at each other, cried and got out somewhat of what we needed to say. Not sure where I am at with it all but we were on the phone for like 70 minutes. mostly yelling. I know she is hurt but I just kept saying this was between us not all of our friends, she stated she needed support and I get that but not by putting me under the bus with my friends.. not cool and so 12 years old.
She and two of our friends called M's roommates gf and pulled the same shit on her, wtf, leave others alone!!! My mom and M and I were out lastnight when this all went down, it needed to, they both were very supportive to me and M just kept telling me that I owe her nothing else and I freaking don't. I know in my heart I did this for me, not M not A not anyone else but me and that is why when I say whatever happens with M happens because I really feel that I HAD to do this I had to be honest I had not live the lie anymore, I have lied enough in my life with my ed and this is something I just wont do.

I have 15 min to post this so might be pretty quick!!!
I have been called EVERY name in the book, treated like shit for being bulimic, (bitch can't even spell it) threatened, haressed, I had to block her from my email and today told her that if she does not quit I will press charges. This is PATHETIC!! My god are you kidding me.
At first I was willing to deal with it, to listen to what she said, to simply take it because I was in the wrong, but god I have to draw the damn line somewhere don't I? How many times can someone be called a whore, she keeps telling me how pathetic I am because he has only been with me for the last 2 months to get to her, god AMY SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Don't get me wrong guys I know what I did was not right in the "Golden Book Of Girlfriend Rules" but am I wrong in refusing to take anymore?
Honestly I have been so scared about something happening to my car.
She keeps saying I wash my hands of you and then sends another fucked up message.
The only way I could get he to zip it was that I said if she did not leave me alone I was going to call her boyfriend and tell her that she cheated on him with my brother, may be wrong and trust me I would never do it but if it takes me saying that then by god I'm gonna do it. I reminded her that blood was thicker than water and she needs to quit.
M came to my work and took me to lunch today, it was great to see him since all on this shit has happened I have not been able to, he just wanted to reassure me that I did the right thing.
I'm not stupid I know that maybe I could be the dumbest asshole alive for thinking that M would never not go threw me to get to her but I'm not going to blame him for something that he has not done to me. Wrong?????
Eating has been so horrible since all of this, I forced chicken salad down my mouth at lunch just so M knew that I was eating but I just want to vomit and then curl up.
Its amazing I never thoght someone would be as horrible and say the things she has said but wow it's out there. I need to look out for me now right?? For little C he is the most important, she brought up his name yesterday saying what do you think he is going to marry you or take care of you and little c, needless to say I went off and told her that I have and never would bring up her daughters name and she WILL not involve my son. Her only defence is her daughter and she uses her in this and in situations with M its so sad. Well I have to lock up the clinic now but such love to you all, ae Im thinking about you and you are so in my heart and ff babe where is that little one already, I cant wait!!!
Love you

Hey Guys

I have decided I want to make my blog private for a while due to the non stop harassment I am receiving, I just do not want to risk her CRAZY ass seeing my blog, however I have no freaking clue how to do it!! HELP!! FAST!! If you want an invite PLEASE send me an email at schunzelh@wellbound.com.....
I'm ok just need to be anonymous for a bit!!! Thank all of you so much for your support, I never thought she could be so f'ng NUTS!

part 3

I told her I could not believe she brought my sickness into this and this is my responce,,,, I have not and will not respond anymore!
I feel like shit!


How do you expect me to respond? Are you insane? Like I would be happy for you? Why don't you stand in my shoes for a minute and think about that, what you did to me. Why don't you try that before getting all defensive about your wrong doing. Why don't you think about what kind of person you really are before you start snapping back at me and think about why on earth I would be upset. I will never forgive you for this, either one of you. And it's sad because no matter what I have to have M in my life because of little A and this has just made things worse. Thanks for that to both of you. You can listen to every bullshit line he has and be a sucker in believing it, that is your problem but just remember this...you just met him and I have known him for 10 years...just don't think that I will ever be there for you when you need it, and one day you probably will. Who is going to congratulate you on this thing you have done? Did you not think about my daughter in this situation, how do you think she will react knowing you, her mommy's friend, is with her daddy now? Are you kidding me? Thanks for that too. Oh, and don't worry...all your secrets are safe with me the same as mine were with you...wait, I'm not like you so I won't tell regardless of anything you have done to me. I'm better than that and will continue to be. I just wanted to let you know how much you hurt me with this but you were too selfish to care. And I just want you to know I was always a friend to you and would never do something to hurt you like this. and I was always supportive of you during your hard times but not anymore. I'm done and wash my hands of you. All I ask is you to not be around little A as I know how you go through guys, get bored with them so easily and I will not have her thinking your going to be around then you are gone. Do not do that to her. And stay away from me and out of my life.

Follow up

I told her I was no whore and she wrote this:

"U sure are. Backstabbing bitch. don't think that this will ever be okay or you will ever be allowed around little A with your bulemic pill popping habbits you sick coward. You told everything to him, I would never have done this to you, never."

Yellowcard and Blue October, A

Oh my god...............the most amazing concert ever last night!! If any of you have never heard Yellowcare I def recommend them! My gf that I went with is good friends with the drummer who if freaking unbelieveable by the way and so I got to meet the band and hang in the tour bus, soooooooooooooo fun!
Blue October is by far one of my most favorite bands and god are they amazing to watch perform. It was such a good thing for me to get out and go, I soo needed it. M came as well and we had a great time, I have never been one for going to concerts with a man but I just felt so strongly about him coming and we had an awesome time.

Moving on.................

A and M had court yesterday and a few things happened, they had a conversation about the guy she has been dating and the issue of my brother came up, if I have not mentioned this before A and my brother went out a few times, anyways she went on and on about how she could have him anytime she wanted and the truth of the matter is my brother has a gf now and could give 2 shits less about her, which makes me laugh because of what we tell ourselves and others to make us feel better about ourselves.
Anyways I wrote a letter to send to A 2 days ago and was going to send it to her this week however due to a text message I received from her last night I sent it this am. She sent me a message asking me "Why their daughters father was asking about my brother"? I did not respond so about 20 min later I got one that said "Whatever, just shows me whats what...Thanks"!
I still did not respond because of a few reasons, 1 being that I was on my way to the concert and was with my friends and was not willing to deal at that perticular moment and 2 I had no fucking idea what to say.
So I decided to go on with my night and have a great time. I don't think it was the right time to go into all of that anyways.

PAUSE!!!!!!
I just checked my email and this is the response I got from A.


GO TO HELL

This letter makes me sick and you make me sick. Feel you on that? You are sick and twisted and told him everything I trusted you with. Happy now? Screw you and that crap you cant help who your with. It's bullshit. Have fun screwing him whore. I can't believe you, after everything you know I went through with him and you are going to believe this is okay? I'm sure you two will enjoy talking about this next...sick!
Ok I cannot even finish this right now!

Happy Friendaversary

I love you E!!!!! Thank you for your UNCONDITIONAL Support and Love ALWAYS!!!!

The countdown begins!

Hard night but a really great one too, went to the movies with M and had a great time, saw that Marky Mark Eva Melendez movie I can't remember what it is called but really good, sort of shity ending though. First 30 seconds best part haha.
Gotta see it to know what I'm talking about.
After the movie M and I decided to go have a drink at my favorite hole in the wall bar in our town, crazy idea but we just felt like it was ok and as it turns out.....it was.
We had a really long talk about A and how I was feeling about the thought of hurting her and he basically told me that I had til next Wed to tell her and if I didn't he was going to.....he said he cannot stand to see me going threw this anymore. It felt good to hear that but I know what I need to do.
In response to the comments about how I feel about A and my friendship is that I have known her for 1 1/2 years and honestly I do love her but I have felt nothing but drained by her for about a year of that. Always about A honestly I can think of 1 time when she has asked what was going on with me 1 time, what is that? She has been with her boyfriend for that whole time as well as up til the beginning of this year leading M on making him think he still had a chance at his marriage when all along she was lying to me about everything that was going on as well as lying and being a total dick tease to both her boyfriend and M, over and over and over even though M was dating someone else on and off. SO in response yes I care but I also know this has not been the most healthy friendship. I get scared that to be a bitch if she found out she will pull some bs about custody over their daughter or that she will get so pissed at me that she will try to get back with him to prove she can, who knows what would happen I would like to think that M would not do it but the fear is there, so the needy pathetic part of me wants to wait until the divorce is final so that I wont have to deal with something like that, god I hate feeling!!!

I cannot get this stupid smile off my face, thinking of you often,! that is the message I got from M this am and the funny thing is I feel the exact same way.

Not sure of the point behind this post but I think to be honest with you I felt the need to defend myself......GOD why would I feel like that? My mom told me this am that no one deserves to be happy like little C and I do and dammit I want to believe that so much!

10. What would you do if your friend went out with your ex?

Ok so this is a question I just received from a e-mail with a bunch of questions and the truly sad part is I cannot answer it because I SUCK!

Reality is just what I do not want to face!

Not sure why I'm feeling ok and feeling so many urges to b/p, but to be honest with you I'm really not caring about it. I want it and I give in, why?......I have no clue I just am and I just do. Every night that has been my routine when I get home from work, binge and purge, binge and purge, binge and purge.....I'm feeling pretty numb right now, my stress level is pretty high up and feeling the complete anxiety of the reality that I have to tell A what is and has been going on and I just don't want to....I want to cop out and write a letter or send and email so that I can get it all out but god knows that is not the right thing to do at all. However neither is what I have been doing to her, I need to realize that this thing whatever it is with M is not about her its about me.....for once dammit its about me.
I still cannot figure out how I'm going to ask her to meet me, where do I do it, what do I say, how do I say it, how do I deal with the reaction I will be getting (which I know will be terrible) but I deserve it to be nothing less!
M told me again that he would do it but that just does not feel right, however neither does me telling her!
So many people are going to be angry with me over this, god knows how I'm going to be able to show my face in town. SMALL TOWN!!!!!!!!! VERY SMALL TOWN!! Hey Carla wanna come with me..haha I know that's terrible but god I seriously need people who care about me for me and not for things I have done! Although not intentional how do you help who you care about?