Who's to say anyone deserves anything?

I forget sometimes how lucky I really am. I hate that about myself but at least I can realize it at this very moment even if it is a passing one.

DG- Oh man sweetie, I received you package last night when I got home and I cannot tell you how it came at the most perfect time. I had been planning a huge B/P episode and then I opened it.
dg sent me "The Real Me being the girl god sees" by Natalie Grant, as well as her cd, which I need to add right now I LOVE!!!!!!
I started the book as soon as I put my little man to bed last night and I cannot tell you how fast I am going thru it which is so rare for me because I tend to get bored with books quite easily, there are a select few though that I have loved. (thanks Rob and Joe also)!!
This book is awesome, I can really see why it did make an impact on you.
DG thank you so much for taking the time to think about me and sending me that, I'm so grateful to have you in my life you have no idea.
This little blog world of mine is exactly that "mine" the one thing in my life that NO ONE can take away from me, ON ONE can invade unless I allow them to, NO ONE can effect me unless I allow them to, the one place in my life where I never feel judged or taken for granted of. I love all of you!!

So today I am in sort of a weird place that I am having a hard time understanding. Although I was able to refrain from having an episode at that moment last night it did not last the entire night. I was not even hungry at all and I went out and got food. Then this am I engaged again. I SO COMPLETELY understand where Sarah is coming from in her post today when she was talking about the roller coaster. This cycle I am so afraid one day is going to kill me. Not because of being to thin because god know right now I am no where near thin but because of my heart or a stroke or something like that. Yesterday I went on to somethingfishy and my morbid self went under the link to see all the people who have passed away from this fucking horrible disease (you know where you can light a candle) well I was reading what people had written and for the first time it scared me, maybe that is good but at the same time I feel like today I am in that "I just don't give a damn" place where I'm ok with engaging actually I'm enjoying it. SICK I KNOW.
Yesterday I was having a really hard time with wanting to call or massage M and I refrained however guess who sent me a message....I was pretty cold with him and basically told him I was not interested in chatting well in a round about way but I held onto the fact that he fucking hurt me and I don't want to allow that anymore.
I just want to heal.
I was thinking this am about what it was like the first time I got out of treatment and I remembered that I went almost 4 years without purging, how is that possible I think to myself now! I remember that I was completely disgusted with all of it and wanted nothing to do with it anymore and now I look at it and I cannot imagine my life completely empty from it.
It just feels so easy to engage and not focus.

Will I ever Heal!

To heal, what does that even mean to me?

Something to think about I guess.

I want to love myself and feel like I deserve to be happy, in the front of my mind I do believe that I deserve that and then I remember how many people I have hurt not only recently with A but people in my past.

To much to think about on the Tuesday before thanksgiving...................................

Thank you again so much dg!!!!
Love to all of you!