I'm still plucking along~~~

Hello all!!!!!!!!!!!
God it seems like forever since I have been on here. I don't even know where to begin. First off I think I shold start by saying I have been really good......tired, full, angry, sad, pissed, hopeful, stressed, and depressed all in one.
Here is some great news though....today is 27 days and no relapse>>>>Can you freaking believe it????
This program I am in is so wonderful. It has completely brought me to a whole new place in my life that I totally thought was gone forever.
I have been doing such hard work and have been so completely out of it, but thankfully to some refeeding I have been able to finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been working with a therapist who is totally AMAZING!!!! I honestly believe she is one of the the greatest gifts that I have ever received. I thank my lucky stars that I have been able to be completely honest and open with her. She has so much faith in me and makes me feel like I am worth something. She challanges me everyday and makes me own up to and face issues that I never wanted to even think about again which I think is so freaking awesome.
I did family therapy with my mom on Thurday and it was awesome, she was able to be honest with me afterwards which was so cool because for so long I have felt so disconnected to not only her who is my best friend in the world but to everyone else in my life including little C which I hate to admit but I have to. I have really been the worst mom ever these last few months and I think that only now I have been able to really see it! I have missed out on so much with him and it makes me sick to think that he could have had to grow up without not only a dad but a mom to.
I love that little man and vow now not only to myself but to all of you that I will never do what I have been doing to him again. He deserves to have a great and amazing mom and I deserve to have my little man!
Treatment this time has been so different for me. I feel like with being older and understanding things and life a bit more I have been able to do alot more work on myself and have been able to appericate the true meaning of recovery. I struggle with the temtation to engage everyday but am becoming stronger and stronger and am learning new ways of dealing all the time. I still have probable 3 or 4 weeks to go and then will probable go to a program a few nights a week after I leave this one but to be honest with you I look forward to it.
I have met some wonderful people here and have been able to remember that I am not alone in all of this, all of you are such an inspiration to me and I have talked about my blog world family more than a few times and I honestly feel that you all are one of the only reason why I made myself go through all of this (meaning treatmen)!
Huge hugs to you!
I go home on the weekends, and I cannot even beging to tell you how freaking fab it is to see my little man.... We have been having so much fun together and I have been able to finally appericate again what it mean to be a mom. I have become such a different person in the last month, its crazy!~

I get scared all the time when I think of how I could have lost EVERYTHING!!! I also get terrified when I think about how easy it is to fall back into this terrible disease. I hate and love my ed so much.
When seeing my mom this weekend she said something to me that has not left my mind and I don't think ever will. She told me that she had already decided on what she was ghoing to do if I died. She was going to take little C and move to Canada so that his father would never be able to get him. It made me sick to think that I actually had put her in a space where she was having to actually plan for my death. I love that woman so much and cannot ever imagine my life without her.
I don't think I will ever really realize how close I was to dying and that I was actually killing myself, I still have a hard time completely admitting to myself that I even have and eating disorder, it feels so not right and for some reason I just have not fully been able to connect to it!
Well its getting late here and I have to go do dinner,,,,,,ugh but I gotta do it....right???? haha I know!
I will try to post every soon, I miss all of you so much and again thank you FF so much for keeping everyone up to date, youi are an amazing friend and Im so greatful for you!!!!!
I think of you all, all the time and wish you nothing but happienss!!!!!
Please know I am well and will continue to work my ass of to try to beat this shity ED!!!!
Take care
lots of love lauren

Update from Lauren!!!

Hey gang, it's Frida here. I've just heard from Lauren, and she is doing well. She is finding recovery a tough journey, but is sticking to it, like the trooper that she is!! What a star this girl is, such an inspiration to us all.

We're so lucky to have her as a roll model.

Take care,
Frida

Remember me????

Oh my god, thank all of you so much for all of your words of support!! I and so worn out so I won't be replying to each message, I hope you all understand, but please know that I think about all of you on a freaking daily basis! I miss catching up and sending you all messages, I'm hoping that with time my energy will increase since all I do is sleep lately.
Thank you so much ff for your post, I have been so stressed out and wanting to let all of you know how I am and ff you are such an amazing woman as I know all would agree, god little e is so lucky to have you!
Treatment has been ............god I don't know hard to say the least! Good news is I have amazingly not binged of purged since Monday morning on my way to treatment! It has been crazy hard but I have actually kept on my meal plan to the tee, not that I really have any other option. Being away from little c has really hit me hard and I mean HARD. I cannot even believe I have been doing this for so long. I have really felt like I have been focusing on him so far which is ok because he deserves it but I think that I need to focus on me too which I'm just not feeling right now.
I really like my new therapist, she is so sweet and gentle with me but very harsh as well, tells it like it is, she just wants me to get it I think.
For example she told me on Tuesday the first time I met with her that I looked like I was starving to death and that she had no idea how I was still alive. For the first time in my life I HEARD someone say that not me, not sure I really believed her but I heard her. She also told me that because of how thin and sick I was she was not sure still if I was going to be able to stay in the program but honestly by Friday she told me I could stay and that she was so proud of me for my hard work through the week. I have started the Prozac again and am also on a few other meds. As for as the laxative's I have not stopped them due to there advice, they said that with the amount I was taking it would be really bad for my body to stop cold turkey so by my choice I have cut the intake in half and am slowly taking 1 or 2 away at a time.
Meals are really hard for me but somehow I'm able to work through them, so much food though I don't think I have EVER in my entire life eaten this much.
As far as my body well I look like I am 8 months prego, I'm so bloated and I know I have had to have gained a ton of weight, but luckily right now I have to do blind weight which is probably better. Being home is so great seeing little c and all but I think that it is hard as well, when I was driving back I was actually giving myself permission to b/p on my way back up.....I was planning what I would eat where I would eat it and where I would purge.
I feel like my mind is all over the place and I just want to cry which for some odd reason the only time I cry is when I think of little c. I feel so damn numb when it comes to anything else.
I'm living in an apartment with 3 other ladies who are wonderful. Actually 2 of them left on Friday which was sad but good because now two new women or men will be able to fill there spots. Luckly I joined the program the same day as another girl so we have been hanging out quite a bit and it was nice to not be the only new girl.
I hate the way I have been feeling about myself, sometimes I wish I could just die instead of deal. I know that is wrong but right now that is where I am. I want to be healthy for little c but I just wish I could take that magic pill that PTC was talking about one day and just have it be all over,,,,no memory at all!
My body literally hurts to move, and my sleeping is slim to none at night even with my meds.
I curl up with a blanket and pillow almost all day in treatment. I just don't want to open up at all. Please god let me make it through this!
God I really miss all of you so much and wish the best in everything. I'm so worn out I mean incredible worn out I don't even know how I have typed this much!
Please is you would like to write email ff she has my address I would love to hear from anyone who has the energy them self to write!!!
I miss all of you!
Love and positive thoughts sent your way!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo Lauren

UPDATE

Hello all, it's Frida here. I got an email from Lauren's mom today giving me an update. Lauren is doing well, as well can be. She is missing Little C like crazy and sounds like she's having a hard time with it. Being a mom myself, of a little boy the same age, I cannot imagine having to leave him for an extended period of time....goes to show just how damn strong she is and how she has her priorities straight and knows what she has to do to get healthy.

I'm so proud of Lauren.

If you have any words you'd like me to pass onto her, email me at feistyfrida@yahoo.ca as I will be mailing her a letter in the next couple of days, and I'll print your emails and mail them to her.

Take care,
Frida

PS: Lauren will be blogging this weekend.