I suck at the game of life!

I.......want to be done!
How can someone have so many good things in there life and still be completely unhappy!!! I'm tired of always wondering if I'm making the wrong or right decisions, about me little c N all of it!!!!! I can honestly say I have never felt this way about a man before and I know he is the one, we talk for hours on end, sex is so not the main part of our relationship which for once is really really really nice!!! We talked a lot last night about how we can both feel so strong so quickly and the only answer we could come up with is "when it's right you just know it"!!! It that true???
I'm so excited about this weekend so much mommy and me time with little C just me and him and the pool and lots of hugs and kisses!!!!!
I want to lose only 7 lbs,,,, is that really to much to ask???????????
Errrrrrr fat & bubbly,...
Die ED Die already!!!
I have monkey mind and cannot play this game of life any longer!

Fears

I fear.....
being crowded
being alone
being sick
being pathetic
being angry
being sad
being happy
being ugly
being pale and pasty
being fat
being fatter
being fattest
being scared
and those are just a few....

So body issue big time today......
Here in my amazing little town we have a city pool, I know that sounds kinda gross, but it has a huge slide and little C and I love going, we go all the time. The pool opens for the summer this coming weekend and I cannot even begin to imagine getting into a bathing suit around several people even if most of them are children it just freaks me the fuck out. My legs are so HUGE and not tone......I am so angry that I have not been working on myself the way I always say that I am going to do.. Honestly last summer when I was at my very sickest was the only time I felt comfortable being in a suit and even then it was really hard.
I know that I need to get over this shita but I just don't know if it is really possible.
I'm also scared because I know N likes to be really active and he really works out and has an amazing body so that scares me too..... The only good thing is that he power lifts from time to time so for the most part I feel a lot smaller than him but still my ass and legs are disgusting......................I want to just cut all the fat off and have huge amounts of lipo done!!
Fizzzzz Mc Fatty!!! THAT'S ME!!!!

Random things going on in my head!

Running thoughts in your mind can be so dangerous.......
Mine seem to always have something to do with body image, eating, or simply just feeling like shita about myself.
Sometimes I wonder if true happiness is really even possible.
I was reading someones blog this am and was reading about her being in recovery and how she basically would have never started her blog had she felt that she could not help someone. I was totally inspired by her saying that and on the same hand I was totally freaked out because I write so many negative things in this blog and never NEVER would I want to be a trigger to someone let alone be someone who was not there to help others.
I have been having a hard time.
I want so badly to be honest with N and he wants that as well however I told him the other day that I will not (don't think) ever be completely honest, and that is just going to have to be something he can except or not. He was great about it and told me that he knows I will most likely lie to him about engaging but that he will be here to support me no matter what.
I cannot seem to find the space that if comfortable for me to simply begin complete recovery. I do think sometimes that I want it and other times there is no way I can imagine a day going by without a b/p episode.

Ok so I know totally off the subject but listening to the radio and they just said that Same Sex marriage is now legal here in Ca......How effing awesome is that news!!!!
Sorry I know that came from nowhere but it totally excited the hell out of me for some reason!

Well off to another bit....have a movie date with N and little C tomorrow night and really nervous about it. I told him that most likely we will not last the whole movie and he just laughed but little does he know I am TOTALLY serious!!! AHHHHHHHH my nerves are just shot!

I hate making a title for every blog because I totally suck at it!


My body is feeling really bad right now!! And to steel from Sara (TTOM) is in town, I know to much info but whatever...heehee! I was so sick yesterday and could not figure out why.....now I know! UGH! Anyways I know this sounds like a hell of a lot of whining but I seriously think I have restless leg. I have been up several times in the last six months, just walking the hallways of having to smoke a j just to freaking help me sleep.... They hurt and feel like they need to constantly need to be moving. Night time is the worst but during the day is no pleasant either. Who knows maybe I have just done so much damage to my insides that there is no other reason for this stuff......

Ok well long and boring I know but needed to ramble!
love to all of you~

Why do I delay????

I swear sometimes I feel like the worst bulimic ever......
I hate this feeling of failure,,,, I feel like I cannot even be good at my own ed sometimes, and it totally throws me for a loop.
I have felt very withdrawn lately, but I am happy to say it has really been for a positive reason.

Things have been really busy and I have been working so hard at trying to be in recovery but sometimes it is just to hard. For the most part lately I have had ok days, to be honest not one day has gone by where I have not engaged however they slip ups have been fewer and fewer, I'm not sure if there will ever be a day without.

Sometimes it just feels like way to much to give up and I'm just not willing to do it, not for anyone. Selfish I know however that is the honest truth!
Sometimes I wonder if I really have mia in my life or if it a game with myself! Sometimes I love mia so much that I feel like I would die without. Is that weird?
Especially when I know mia can be the one to kill me!

My body feels disgusting and I'm having a really hard time with that because there is someone in my life that has completely changed it for the better,,, well someone other than little C.
I can honestly say I have met "the one"!!!!
Actually I have known him for a few years and he is amazing, kind, gentle, and completely in love!! heehee I love that part.
We have dated a few times in the past but due to where I was at I just was not ready and honestly I treated him like complete shita! Luckily he has given me one more shot and for the first time I can actually see myself (too soon to say I know) married and spending my life with someone!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh he met little C and it was great, well the Harley does not hurt the issue either considering C loves motorcycles!!! (I'm a fan too)
He is so excited about getting to know him and just spending time with both of us, which is exciting and scary at the same time. Bottom line is C is and always will be number one ALWAYS and N knows that and would never ask anything else!
Well really wanted to just take a min and check in and let you all know that I have been checking on you even if I don't comment I want you to all know how much I care.. Sometimes its just to hard to comment,,,(s-you know what that means!)