September 22 2007 at 9:24 pm, that was the last breath my nana would ever take!
I cannot post anything else today, my heart, spirit, and soul have been taken and I am the saddest I have ever been in my life!
I love you so much nana and I will miss you til the day I leave this planet.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Bitch Bitch Bitch
So badly wanting to have a happy post today, and so badly not wanting to feel! I think I'm going to start taking my anti depressants again just so I don't have to feel.
Work is really slow and I hate it when that happens because it gives me just to much damn time to think about all that is going on with me.
Little C is doing really well, I had a conversation with my roomie last night about a few things that were really bothering me, one being that I am NOT going to take away or not allow my son to do something because she does not want her kids to, I told her point blank, this living situation is not just about her and her kids dammit, and I'm sick already of trying to accommodate her.
I pay the fucking rent to and shit I'm the one that feeds and cooks for her damn kids on a nightly basis so back the FUCK up S!
Sorry just had to vent for a sec.
My nana..............................
I'm so scared about tomorrow, I'm so worn out I cannot even begin to explain the way I feel. I talked to my step mom today about it all for a bit and she said that I needed to remember that she lived a great life and that she is just ready! I want to think about it like that but I guess I am just selfish and I want her here. Her husband is 92 years old, and still plugging along, I swear every year at Christmas I would look at him and think or wonder to myself "Will he be here next year"? Never once did I ask that about my nana. NEVER ONCE!
It's not fair, I have lost so many people in my family, two cousins, there dad, both my grandfathers, another cousin and my auntie! Just really makes me realize that life is way toooooo short and time goes by way to fast!
Death fucking sux!
SO on the M front, he left for Texas today, errrrrrrrrrr! He kept telling me its just a wedding nothing is going to happen with the Texas woman, which I think I believe, he told me that she was the one who ended it but who the hell knows I just may be back on here next week talking about him being a lier,,,lets hope not!
I told him that I was asked out on a date this weekend and that I was not sure if I was going to go or not. Still aren't, my mom thinks it would be a good idea. It is with this really sweet guy B and he is cooking me dinner..... very cute indeed!
I just know my head will be with M~
I'm supposed to have dinner with my gf (the soon to be ex of M) tonight, and god knows I have no interest in going which I feel terrible about because all that will be talked about is M and her new love and I just cannot take it anymore. I don't want to know anything anymore, just leave me the fuck out of it! I don't care anymore! I canceled on her for a concert that we were supposed to go to in SF on Sunday mostly because it is supposed to rain but I guess hugely because I can't deal with her "STUFF" its always about her. Sad thing is I cannot even begin to talk about my life because of M.
Ok done complaining for today!!!
Sending so many hugs to all of you and want to say thank you again for your unconditional support!!!!! Love you
Work is really slow and I hate it when that happens because it gives me just to much damn time to think about all that is going on with me.
Little C is doing really well, I had a conversation with my roomie last night about a few things that were really bothering me, one being that I am NOT going to take away or not allow my son to do something because she does not want her kids to, I told her point blank, this living situation is not just about her and her kids dammit, and I'm sick already of trying to accommodate her.
I pay the fucking rent to and shit I'm the one that feeds and cooks for her damn kids on a nightly basis so back the FUCK up S!
Sorry just had to vent for a sec.
My nana..............................
I'm so scared about tomorrow, I'm so worn out I cannot even begin to explain the way I feel. I talked to my step mom today about it all for a bit and she said that I needed to remember that she lived a great life and that she is just ready! I want to think about it like that but I guess I am just selfish and I want her here. Her husband is 92 years old, and still plugging along, I swear every year at Christmas I would look at him and think or wonder to myself "Will he be here next year"? Never once did I ask that about my nana. NEVER ONCE!
It's not fair, I have lost so many people in my family, two cousins, there dad, both my grandfathers, another cousin and my auntie! Just really makes me realize that life is way toooooo short and time goes by way to fast!
Death fucking sux!
SO on the M front, he left for Texas today, errrrrrrrrrr! He kept telling me its just a wedding nothing is going to happen with the Texas woman, which I think I believe, he told me that she was the one who ended it but who the hell knows I just may be back on here next week talking about him being a lier,,,lets hope not!
I told him that I was asked out on a date this weekend and that I was not sure if I was going to go or not. Still aren't, my mom thinks it would be a good idea. It is with this really sweet guy B and he is cooking me dinner..... very cute indeed!
I just know my head will be with M~
I'm supposed to have dinner with my gf (the soon to be ex of M) tonight, and god knows I have no interest in going which I feel terrible about because all that will be talked about is M and her new love and I just cannot take it anymore. I don't want to know anything anymore, just leave me the fuck out of it! I don't care anymore! I canceled on her for a concert that we were supposed to go to in SF on Sunday mostly because it is supposed to rain but I guess hugely because I can't deal with her "STUFF" its always about her. Sad thing is I cannot even begin to talk about my life because of M.
Ok done complaining for today!!!
Sending so many hugs to all of you and want to say thank you again for your unconditional support!!!!! Love you
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Can life really be so up and down?
Mrs. C.......
All went really well, Im so happy!!!!!! (about that)!
However......Always a however
After work yesterday I got some really hard news that I knew was going on but I have been avoiding because I don't think I will be ok if anything happens!
My Nana (grandma) went on Hospis care, had her first dose of morphine and did feel a bit better but I know what this means.
My nana has COPD, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, caused from Emphysema and Lung Fibrosis. She is on Oxygen all the time and gasps for almost every breath she takes. I have been avoiding seeing her because I know me and I know that all I will do is cry if I do,,,,,that and the fact that I don't want to believe any of this is happening!
How can I deal with losing my nana?
I can't
I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm angry that it got to this point and she did nothing to fight!
I'm sick best way to describe!
My body hurts
My mind hurts
My heart hurts
My spirit is drained
I miss being loved and held
Why can I not have that at a time like this?
I don't want you to die Nana!
All went really well, Im so happy!!!!!! (about that)!
However......Always a however
After work yesterday I got some really hard news that I knew was going on but I have been avoiding because I don't think I will be ok if anything happens!
My Nana (grandma) went on Hospis care, had her first dose of morphine and did feel a bit better but I know what this means.
My nana has COPD, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, caused from Emphysema and Lung Fibrosis. She is on Oxygen all the time and gasps for almost every breath she takes. I have been avoiding seeing her because I know me and I know that all I will do is cry if I do,,,,,that and the fact that I don't want to believe any of this is happening!
How can I deal with losing my nana?
I can't
I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm angry that it got to this point and she did nothing to fight!
I'm sick best way to describe!
My body hurts
My mind hurts
My heart hurts
My spirit is drained
I miss being loved and held
Why can I not have that at a time like this?
I don't want you to die Nana!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Proof that life can be amazing
I just had to share what just happened at work!!!!!!!
As many of you know I work in a training center for Home Dialysis, anyways we have a patient who was in for her monthly visit and I was in the room drawing her labs when all of the sudden the Dr. walked in and told her that they have a kidney and that she needed to get down to UC Davis for a transplant.........
Can you imagine going in for a monthly check and walking out knowing that your life is about to change!!!!!!!
Here's to you Mrs. C!!!!
GO GET EM!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE MY JOB
As many of you know I work in a training center for Home Dialysis, anyways we have a patient who was in for her monthly visit and I was in the room drawing her labs when all of the sudden the Dr. walked in and told her that they have a kidney and that she needed to get down to UC Davis for a transplant.........
Can you imagine going in for a monthly check and walking out knowing that your life is about to change!!!!!!!
Here's to you Mrs. C!!!!
GO GET EM!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE MY JOB
LIPO?HARVESTING ARE YOU JOKING
You are never gonna believe this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok so back to the boobs!!!
I have been really unhappy with my surgery since I had my tata's redone so yesterday I went in for a procedure where the Dr. takes out fat from your tummy and injects it into your boobs, well I decided to bring my mom in with me so that I could make a decision on whether or not I even wanted to have it done, I was having so many issues with figuring out if I wanted to just leave my tata's they way they were or having the fat injected!
After a long conversation with my Dr. I decided to go ahead and have it done, only problem was that I assumed that what would happen was the Dr. would just stick me with a needle pull out the fat and put it into my boobs......
FUCK was I wrong.
I get into the OR and lay on the table only to find out that the procedure was considered a minor lipo surgery!
Here we go........
The Dr. took out a spinal tap needle, and if you do not know what that is, it is about a 5 inch needle she put the needle into my belly button dug it all over to numb me up for what she would soon call "Harvesting" of my belly, gotta love that!~
So 10 min later and all numb or so I thought and in she went with this instrument that was about 1/4 inch thick with a huge hole in the middle and to town she went in out in out in out sucking as much as she could get........and this all for the tata's !! She was actually rotating all around the table to get every angle! I felt like such a FAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!
Now if any of you have seen lipo surgery on TV this is exactly what it was like.
I was a crying mess by the end of the procedure I could actually feel her scraping it out by the time she was done, she said I'm sorry and I looked at her with the hardest look I could pull up out of my tears and said "Just get what you need and get the hell out"
It was a terrible experience and I never would have done it had I known what the procedure was actually going to be.
Then after all of this she gave me NOTHING for the pain so at 10pm last night I was driving to my sisters house 40 minutes away to get some pain meds, the Dr. told me I would not feel any pain LIER!
I am black and blue all over my tummy and my poor tata's both are completely bruised as well, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF???????
Ok so back to the boobs!!!
I have been really unhappy with my surgery since I had my tata's redone so yesterday I went in for a procedure where the Dr. takes out fat from your tummy and injects it into your boobs, well I decided to bring my mom in with me so that I could make a decision on whether or not I even wanted to have it done, I was having so many issues with figuring out if I wanted to just leave my tata's they way they were or having the fat injected!
After a long conversation with my Dr. I decided to go ahead and have it done, only problem was that I assumed that what would happen was the Dr. would just stick me with a needle pull out the fat and put it into my boobs......
FUCK was I wrong.
I get into the OR and lay on the table only to find out that the procedure was considered a minor lipo surgery!
Here we go........
The Dr. took out a spinal tap needle, and if you do not know what that is, it is about a 5 inch needle she put the needle into my belly button dug it all over to numb me up for what she would soon call "Harvesting" of my belly, gotta love that!~
So 10 min later and all numb or so I thought and in she went with this instrument that was about 1/4 inch thick with a huge hole in the middle and to town she went in out in out in out sucking as much as she could get........and this all for the tata's !! She was actually rotating all around the table to get every angle! I felt like such a FAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!
Now if any of you have seen lipo surgery on TV this is exactly what it was like.
I was a crying mess by the end of the procedure I could actually feel her scraping it out by the time she was done, she said I'm sorry and I looked at her with the hardest look I could pull up out of my tears and said "Just get what you need and get the hell out"
It was a terrible experience and I never would have done it had I known what the procedure was actually going to be.
Then after all of this she gave me NOTHING for the pain so at 10pm last night I was driving to my sisters house 40 minutes away to get some pain meds, the Dr. told me I would not feel any pain LIER!
I am black and blue all over my tummy and my poor tata's both are completely bruised as well, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF???????
Monday, September 17, 2007
Still not feeling I think
So who could honestly not smile seeing this picture!!!
Lately his little face is all that makes me smile
Im tired
Im fat
Im ugly
Im unhappy
Im scared
Im angry
Im miserable
Im excited
Im feeling
Im not feeling
Im feeling
Im not feeling
Make up your mind already would ya!
This weekend, was a bit difficult for me, I was crazy busy all weekend and still am not sure what happened to it all!
Starting Friday, got off work and went to my moms, dealt with the whole pizza issue which turned out exactly the way I knew it would, BAD.
Talked to Sushi boy, who I think is a bit possessive, I hate that. Maybe demanding is more like it, what does he honestly think we are in a relationship when he is in Hawaii and when I cannot get M out of my head no matter how hard I try. Saw M friday night also which was nice, missed him, I think.......Maybe not but whatever it was it felt great to see him.
Sat was a busy day with Little C, we played hard all day and went and got him a new scooby movie which he was SOOOOOOOOO excited about. And went to bed early I was soooooooooooo tired it was unreal! I b/p'd allllllllll freaking day long, worst day in a really long time. Sacred me but at the same time felt great to be in control or maybe lack there of but it still felt good!
Sunday my god what even happened with that! I was supposed to work a wine festival but ended up just going to it with my girl friends, we got so completely wasted it was unreal!!!!!!
Great music and friends and tons of wine, IM SET!
No purging yesterday which was good. Knew I needed food in my belly!
Went to see M again after the festival, had a really good time hanging out with him watching movies and just having him hold me felt so good!!!
He makes me laugh so much and I feel like when I am with him I can just be free of my issues when in actuality there are so many concerning him!
When Im with him I want to be with him and when Im not I want to be with him and all other times
I
want
to
be
with
him!!!
He melts me and I hate it!!!!
I just want to continue to not feel anything for anyone!! SO much easier to not have to have the fear of being hurt.
Enough about that!
SO the picture.......I attempted to cut little C's hair and I can honestly say clippers are not my forte to say the least! I SUCK!!!
This is how we ended up having to get a mohawk...which is ok because when I do his hair it is so so so cute!
I sent his father this picture (first time I have tried this in almost 2 years) and I wrote "Care to remember me" not sure if he got it but I have yet to hear anything back from him!!!!! Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Simply sharing today!
Feeling really bla today, actually other than being 100% completely unhappy with my body I feel not much of anything at all!!!!
Its kinda nice actually. Things have been really busy with work this week, I'm so grateful for it being Friday, because I don't think I could have handled another day of it.
I think I'm cutting off, not exactly sure from what but I feel like it is pretty much towards everything and anything that comes my way. Sushi boy left yesterday morning back to Hawaii, not sure how I feel about it, basically like everything else BLA BLA BLA!
M and I have chatted a few times, but finally I do not feel that needy thing for him which feels nice!
Who knows I just hope it is not my ED that I am turning to so that I'm not having to face all my other stuff.
I have a wedding to go to the day after my 30th Birthday which I am totally freaking out about because of my body and weight and the fact that I have already bought 2 dresses and have no interest in wearing either one of them!
The person who is getting married is one of my dearest friends from high school and it is totally going to be a reunion at this wedding and it scares me to death to think of being the fattest one there or being judged for not being 100% anorexic. I think I have gotten myself into a bit of a hole with wanting to lose some of this extra weight before I go. I keep telling myself it is ok to do because I can get back on track right after it's over but I think we all know that is not the truth.
I have been really fighting my b/p'ing and all I feel about it is that it is a losing battle never ever to be won!
Can that really be the case?
God I hope not!
After getting on the scale this week I have been totally freaked out at how FAT not PHAT but FAT FAT FAT that I have gotten. It is disgusting, nasty, and I almost not I take almost back I hate looking at myself in the mirror!
I have been out of treatment for only 2 1/2 months and I still can not figure out my comfort zone with myself, does it even exist or is it to far gone for far to long that I will never find it?
Yesterday I was feeling so much sadness AGAIN about my sons father and have even been lame enough to call and sit on the phone while he says hello 10 times and not say anything until he hangs up. It is so weird because he physically makes me want to vomit and I have no feeling towards him what so ever but I just hate what kind of a father he has become and I want to just start yelling and going off on him but like I tell my roomie and Best friend S I do not even know where in the hell to begin or how to start the conversation, S tells me to say "Well how in the hell are you?....Great now let me tell you how in the hell your SON and I am" that just does not feel right what I want to say I cannot even type because none of you would ever read my blog again! Lets just say I have a sailor mouth beyond what any of you would ever expect!
My feelings today are so weird, I am really feeling lonely but in some sick way I'm almost ok with it and almost liking it! I talked to my mom earlier and I told her I would bring little C and I over for the night and she said she was going to get a pizza and I felt my heart just drop because I went straight to where can I purge after I eat. THe fucked up part about all of it is that if I smell it I HAVE to eat it, I cannot just pull the anorexic card out and not do it, I try all the time but I feel so much more relieved I guess if I can just DO IT and purge!
Grow up HEIDI Fucking GROW UP ALREADY!
Moving on,,,,,,,, all of you out there I wanted to share with you a blog that I found somewhat randomly, It is a guy named Robert and to tell you the truth he has been nothing but a total and complete inspiration to me. I have learned SO MUCH from the information he has posted, Robert is a gay man who is HIV positive, and honestly has such an amazing attitude and will for life. His blog is so informative and he shares amazing things that are going on in his life as well. He is all about sharing as much information as possible to inform people about HIV and to share with them that just because you may have it, it does not mean by any means that your life is over. I have had such a fear for HIV and AIDS my whole life and have always wanted to learn as much as I could, I shared with Robert on a post that he left about Ryan White,how much that boy meant to me, may seem or sound odd to some of you because I never knew him but I can still to this day remember the first time I ever heard his name. I was 6 years old and was so saddened by what I heard. Anyways I would encourage all of you to just take some time to check out his blog, because I know that it would touch you the way it has touched me thank you Robert!!!!
Well its Friday and I am wishing all of you an amazing weekend and want to send a special Congrats and beautiful wishes to Lulu on her wedding and being able to share her future with this wonderful partner in her life. I also hope pav ae and roark have a wonderful weekend sharing lulu's special day with her!!
Love all of you!!!
Its kinda nice actually. Things have been really busy with work this week, I'm so grateful for it being Friday, because I don't think I could have handled another day of it.
I think I'm cutting off, not exactly sure from what but I feel like it is pretty much towards everything and anything that comes my way. Sushi boy left yesterday morning back to Hawaii, not sure how I feel about it, basically like everything else BLA BLA BLA!
M and I have chatted a few times, but finally I do not feel that needy thing for him which feels nice!
Who knows I just hope it is not my ED that I am turning to so that I'm not having to face all my other stuff.
I have a wedding to go to the day after my 30th Birthday which I am totally freaking out about because of my body and weight and the fact that I have already bought 2 dresses and have no interest in wearing either one of them!
The person who is getting married is one of my dearest friends from high school and it is totally going to be a reunion at this wedding and it scares me to death to think of being the fattest one there or being judged for not being 100% anorexic. I think I have gotten myself into a bit of a hole with wanting to lose some of this extra weight before I go. I keep telling myself it is ok to do because I can get back on track right after it's over but I think we all know that is not the truth.
I have been really fighting my b/p'ing and all I feel about it is that it is a losing battle never ever to be won!
Can that really be the case?
God I hope not!
After getting on the scale this week I have been totally freaked out at how FAT not PHAT but FAT FAT FAT that I have gotten. It is disgusting, nasty, and I almost not I take almost back I hate looking at myself in the mirror!
I have been out of treatment for only 2 1/2 months and I still can not figure out my comfort zone with myself, does it even exist or is it to far gone for far to long that I will never find it?
Yesterday I was feeling so much sadness AGAIN about my sons father and have even been lame enough to call and sit on the phone while he says hello 10 times and not say anything until he hangs up. It is so weird because he physically makes me want to vomit and I have no feeling towards him what so ever but I just hate what kind of a father he has become and I want to just start yelling and going off on him but like I tell my roomie and Best friend S I do not even know where in the hell to begin or how to start the conversation, S tells me to say "Well how in the hell are you?....Great now let me tell you how in the hell your SON and I am" that just does not feel right what I want to say I cannot even type because none of you would ever read my blog again! Lets just say I have a sailor mouth beyond what any of you would ever expect!
My feelings today are so weird, I am really feeling lonely but in some sick way I'm almost ok with it and almost liking it! I talked to my mom earlier and I told her I would bring little C and I over for the night and she said she was going to get a pizza and I felt my heart just drop because I went straight to where can I purge after I eat. THe fucked up part about all of it is that if I smell it I HAVE to eat it, I cannot just pull the anorexic card out and not do it, I try all the time but I feel so much more relieved I guess if I can just DO IT and purge!
Grow up HEIDI Fucking GROW UP ALREADY!
Moving on,,,,,,,, all of you out there I wanted to share with you a blog that I found somewhat randomly, It is a guy named Robert and to tell you the truth he has been nothing but a total and complete inspiration to me. I have learned SO MUCH from the information he has posted, Robert is a gay man who is HIV positive, and honestly has such an amazing attitude and will for life. His blog is so informative and he shares amazing things that are going on in his life as well. He is all about sharing as much information as possible to inform people about HIV and to share with them that just because you may have it, it does not mean by any means that your life is over. I have had such a fear for HIV and AIDS my whole life and have always wanted to learn as much as I could, I shared with Robert on a post that he left about Ryan White,how much that boy meant to me, may seem or sound odd to some of you because I never knew him but I can still to this day remember the first time I ever heard his name. I was 6 years old and was so saddened by what I heard. Anyways I would encourage all of you to just take some time to check out his blog, because I know that it would touch you the way it has touched me thank you Robert!!!!
http://soccerrob.blogspot.com/
Well its Friday and I am wishing all of you an amazing weekend and want to send a special Congrats and beautiful wishes to Lulu on her wedding and being able to share her future with this wonderful partner in her life. I also hope pav ae and roark have a wonderful weekend sharing lulu's special day with her!!
Love all of you!!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
9/11
Rinnnnng Rinnnng Rinnnnng....That was the noise I woke up to on 9/11/01.
It was 6:45 in the am and I picked up my phone to hear the voice of my best friend Mac. He said Heidi Get up there is a recall and we have 10 minutes to get to work. Mind you I was in the Military at this time stationed at Travis AFB and working at David Grant Hospital. He said 2 planes have hit the Twin Towers and and they think it is a terrorist attack.
My heart sank!
My head was lost and my eyes could not see straight.
I threw on my BDU's, brushed my teeth, and that I remember because I can recall looking at myself in the mirror with total terror that I was gonna have to be deployed. I jumped in my car and only to arrive at work 3 min later to an alarm going off, the base had been shut down and there was 4 tanks that pulled out in front of the base so not even the people who lived on base could get on. The SP's (base cops) were in all gear and had M16's pointed in every direction.
When I walked into the hospital people were running all over the place and over the loud speaker all you could hear was (ALARM BLACK ALARM BLACK TAKE COVER)
Granted we were in California however Travis is the last stop for the Air Force between the US and Over Seas to refuel!
I wanted to cry I have never been so scared.
After the hospital released us to go to our clinics, I walked up to Pediatrics which at that time I worked in Ped Immunizations. I walked in and the TV's in the waiting room were on and the first thing I saw was one of the Towers falling, I will never forget the feeling in my body. It was like I was completely paralyzed with fear and sadness and confusion and loss......
We were all given a schedule to go back to our dorms and homes to get our bag so that we could have them checked to make sure we would be ready to deploy at any moment!
TERRIFIED WAS I!!!!!
We could not even make a phone call to our families which I might add was the hardest thing about it all!!!
This routine happened for the next two weeks, alarms, fear, threat of being deployed, no patients, no contact for a week with the outside!
I swear I slept for maybe 4 days during this time, I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness!
I had a friend who was in the towers who by some miracle managed to survive, long long story so I'm not going to go there!
Well not to sure where to go from here with this moment in my life, my next several months went into a total downward spiral and within 6 months I was in treatment for the first time and 4 months later I was discharged from the military for my eating disorder!
I want anyone and everyone who may read this to know the total and complete sadness I have in my heart for all that may have went through a similar situation or who may have lost friends and family in this tragic moment in time. I still have friends in Iraq who are fighting for us day in and day out and still have more who are scheduled to leave for year long tours.
With saying this I want to thank all of you who are away from your loved ones fighting for us! My heart goes out to you and my love is with all of you my military brothers and sisters!
Friday, September 7, 2007
"Eggs" one of my Clean Happy Miracle's
Chemistry is important in every relationship, but in the end, you must also be on the basic timetable as the people in your life for complete harmony to truly exist. Chemistry is either there or it isn't -- but being on the same timetable is something you can affect. It requires effort to understand what your friends need, and it takes effort to let them know what you need. Your honesty is critical right now, so don't hold back what you really feel. -
SO that was my daily relationship horoscope..........not so sure what or who it is referring to or if it basically is everyone, hoping that since it is a romantic one that it is just for the men in my life and not my friends.......keeping my fingers crossed.
So thanks to ae (thank you so much) she talks alot about the "eggs", honestly I had never thought about it before, and then..........
Safeway here I come.........
4 18 packs later I finally felt that High again, only this time it was not from engaging in behaviors it was from being able to release for the first time in a really
really
really
really
long time!!
I
Could
BREATHE!!!!!
Inhale and Exhale for me and I know alot of people with ed's have a really hard time on that inhale but dammit I did it.
Thank you thank you thank you ae~
I plan on doing this quite often!
At one point when I was throwing the f out of these eggs hitting everything in sight-(secret place I found) I completely LOST IT! I have not cried like a child who was thrown from a bike and lands on there face since that actually happened to me 20 years ago.
I could not breathe at this point and I could not even stand up. I found myself being so angry at so many people in my life (mainly men) I felt like since I was alone it was actually ok for me to explode like a complete mental case, shit we all know that is what I am!
Men in my life.........hmmmmmm where is it even ok to begin with that! One thing I learned in treatment this time was that I always take on the mans control role, never to I let myself get involved (keep um interested Lauren) if you keep up with these rules no man can ever get close or make you feel weak or belittle you again!
This is what I have done for so long and the 2 times I do open up my heart,,, something about those men I get stepped on! WTF
Do I really deserve that? Maybe now I do!
I need a pedi.....maybe I will do that for my date with Sushi Boy tonight!!!! Yep thats right, F M and move on to a sweet man who is moving to Hawaii in 7 days. Smart one Lauren. Although he did say that he wanted little c and I to come visit him. Hey free ticket to Hawaii who can pass that up? Not so into the whole him meeting little c thing I just don't do that but damn it would be a free trip for him too!!!!
Lets GO BUBBA!
I talked to M last night for the first time since Sunday, he wanted to say hi and make sure I was ok! I told him I was "fine" and totally tried to play that tough girl roll and he said you know how I know you are not "fine"? I said how? M then said because you have said you are "fine" 25 times. I said nothing other than I am.
I was so sad and so ok with the conversation.
Leave it at that I guess!!!!!
I have to say Im so bummed that I cannot go on Sat Carla!!!! SOOOOOO SAD!!
We WILL meet soon!
Totally looking forward to this weekend, taking Little C to the Zoo on Sunday and a going away party for Sushi Sat, should be a well needed break. I swear these short weeks seem longer than a regular week~! My boss's daughter was on that new show "Don't Forget the Lyrics" last night little hottie green dress and won 50g's god how nice would that be???? Cute show I guess but forsure not something I will be watching any time soon again! Sure ain't no Big Brother!!!!
Well ALL sending you all tons of love and smiles and sun this weekend!!!!!
Bye Bye
SO that was my daily relationship horoscope..........not so sure what or who it is referring to or if it basically is everyone, hoping that since it is a romantic one that it is just for the men in my life and not my friends.......keeping my fingers crossed.
So thanks to ae (thank you so much) she talks alot about the "eggs", honestly I had never thought about it before, and then..........
Safeway here I come.........
4 18 packs later I finally felt that High again, only this time it was not from engaging in behaviors it was from being able to release for the first time in a really
really
really
really
long time!!
I
Could
BREATHE!!!!!
Inhale and Exhale for me and I know alot of people with ed's have a really hard time on that inhale but dammit I did it.
Thank you thank you thank you ae~
I plan on doing this quite often!
At one point when I was throwing the f out of these eggs hitting everything in sight-(secret place I found) I completely LOST IT! I have not cried like a child who was thrown from a bike and lands on there face since that actually happened to me 20 years ago.
I could not breathe at this point and I could not even stand up. I found myself being so angry at so many people in my life (mainly men) I felt like since I was alone it was actually ok for me to explode like a complete mental case, shit we all know that is what I am!
Men in my life.........hmmmmmm where is it even ok to begin with that! One thing I learned in treatment this time was that I always take on the mans control role, never to I let myself get involved (keep um interested Lauren) if you keep up with these rules no man can ever get close or make you feel weak or belittle you again!
This is what I have done for so long and the 2 times I do open up my heart,,, something about those men I get stepped on! WTF
Do I really deserve that? Maybe now I do!
I need a pedi.....maybe I will do that for my date with Sushi Boy tonight!!!! Yep thats right, F M and move on to a sweet man who is moving to Hawaii in 7 days. Smart one Lauren. Although he did say that he wanted little c and I to come visit him. Hey free ticket to Hawaii who can pass that up? Not so into the whole him meeting little c thing I just don't do that but damn it would be a free trip for him too!!!!
Lets GO BUBBA!
I talked to M last night for the first time since Sunday, he wanted to say hi and make sure I was ok! I told him I was "fine" and totally tried to play that tough girl roll and he said you know how I know you are not "fine"? I said how? M then said because you have said you are "fine" 25 times. I said nothing other than I am.
I was so sad and so ok with the conversation.
Leave it at that I guess!!!!!
I have to say Im so bummed that I cannot go on Sat Carla!!!! SOOOOOO SAD!!
We WILL meet soon!
Totally looking forward to this weekend, taking Little C to the Zoo on Sunday and a going away party for Sushi Sat, should be a well needed break. I swear these short weeks seem longer than a regular week~! My boss's daughter was on that new show "Don't Forget the Lyrics" last night little hottie green dress and won 50g's god how nice would that be???? Cute show I guess but forsure not something I will be watching any time soon again! Sure ain't no Big Brother!!!!
Well ALL sending you all tons of love and smiles and sun this weekend!!!!!
Bye Bye
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
CLEAN HAPPY MIRACLE
My weekend was crazy............................
Friday night my sister (the sweet one) came over and we had such a great night, I b/p a few times, because we did not stop drinking and eating so things felt really out of control in all of that.
Sat we went to breakfast, and I did fab.....ate tons and tons and went shopping so that I knew I would be ok, it was hard shopping after eating like that but I did really ok with it all. Later in the day Little C and I met up with my mom to watch all of the boats come into the Benicia Yaught Club, they were coming from the Jazz Cup~ it was so beautiful to see them all. After we went to dinner which I did really well with also, I needed it I think, well until I saw my body that night and realized that was SOOOOOOO not the case.
Sunday my stepmom called and asked if she could take Little C for the night so I dropped him off and went out with my mom to go listen to some live Jazz that was going on in our town.....Started to drink some wine and then got a phone call from M. God I HATE MEN>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO wonder why Im single. I found out from him that he had gone to Houston to go visit his friends and ex that I am now finding out he may just not be over. I actually found this all out on Friday and when we talked he kept saying that it was not just physical with me and that he wanted more bla bla bla and he called me several times through out the night so I knew he was alone, whatever Im not your mother do what you gotta do I kept telling him. I know it had only been a few weeks for us but my heart fell fast it has been 5 years since I allowed myself to get close to anyone. SO long story short I told him I will not be anyones 2nd choice let alone there 3rd considering there is still a wife factor till the divorce is final! It hurt so badly to say that and not to give into the feeling of just wanting to see him. Well after we talked on Sunday I decided I needed a shot to numb the pain so I left my mom and went to the bar ALONE,,,,,,until the music was over and my mom came and sat with me while I cried like the biggest baby ever. We finally left that bar and went to go eat and I decided that since my favorite bar is like a block away from my moms house I would go drown my sorrows there. SO I DID! After being there for about an hour I got another phone call from M saying he had landed back in town so stupid drunk me told him to come by the bar. Now this is stupid for 2 reasons....1 being our town is way to small and it takes us seeing 1 person for the word to get out and the other being I was not sticking to my plan. Anyways he came and we played a game of pool and talked and he left. IT SUCKED! He tried to get me to come over that night but even with being totally smashed I denied! I told him that night before I went to bed that I did not want him to call me unless he decided that I was something he wanted to pursue, and guess what I have yet to hear from him! God why did I even open my heart??????? Thats it "Heart Closed Forever"!
Before my mom dropped me off and looked at me and told me "Heidi Clean Happy Miracle" Its out there and we WILL have it! My mom was so wonderful with me even though she knows the whole situation, she knows I cannot help who I fall for!
I want to call him so badly but not in a million years will I allow myself to fall to the pathetic side and give in. Fuck him if he cannot see how worth it I am then he does not deserve me.........................RIGHT???????
God this post is all over the place.
Sorry.
SO here is the hardest part of my entire weekend.
We out with a friend of mine to the lake this weekend, and never in my life have I been so uncomfortable with my body NEVER I am so much bigger that I have ever been I wanted so badly for have a great time but the entire time I was focused on how my body looked and how much it giggled every time the damn boat moved. I was disgusted.
And to even make matters worse we tied up with a bunch of other boats where there were all of these tiny little stick figures all over the place, not to mention the 2 80lb ers we had on our boat, no shit either 82 lbs at the most! I wanted to be sick again so badly.
I know that is not really an option but god I just dont want to do this anymore, I am so fucking judgemental with myself and my heart cannot deal with this!
Ok well I need to be done but I miss you all and hope you had fab weekends!!!!!!
Friday night my sister (the sweet one) came over and we had such a great night, I b/p a few times, because we did not stop drinking and eating so things felt really out of control in all of that.
Sat we went to breakfast, and I did fab.....ate tons and tons and went shopping so that I knew I would be ok, it was hard shopping after eating like that but I did really ok with it all. Later in the day Little C and I met up with my mom to watch all of the boats come into the Benicia Yaught Club, they were coming from the Jazz Cup~ it was so beautiful to see them all. After we went to dinner which I did really well with also, I needed it I think, well until I saw my body that night and realized that was SOOOOOOO not the case.
Sunday my stepmom called and asked if she could take Little C for the night so I dropped him off and went out with my mom to go listen to some live Jazz that was going on in our town.....Started to drink some wine and then got a phone call from M. God I HATE MEN>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO wonder why Im single. I found out from him that he had gone to Houston to go visit his friends and ex that I am now finding out he may just not be over. I actually found this all out on Friday and when we talked he kept saying that it was not just physical with me and that he wanted more bla bla bla and he called me several times through out the night so I knew he was alone, whatever Im not your mother do what you gotta do I kept telling him. I know it had only been a few weeks for us but my heart fell fast it has been 5 years since I allowed myself to get close to anyone. SO long story short I told him I will not be anyones 2nd choice let alone there 3rd considering there is still a wife factor till the divorce is final! It hurt so badly to say that and not to give into the feeling of just wanting to see him. Well after we talked on Sunday I decided I needed a shot to numb the pain so I left my mom and went to the bar ALONE,,,,,,until the music was over and my mom came and sat with me while I cried like the biggest baby ever. We finally left that bar and went to go eat and I decided that since my favorite bar is like a block away from my moms house I would go drown my sorrows there. SO I DID! After being there for about an hour I got another phone call from M saying he had landed back in town so stupid drunk me told him to come by the bar. Now this is stupid for 2 reasons....1 being our town is way to small and it takes us seeing 1 person for the word to get out and the other being I was not sticking to my plan. Anyways he came and we played a game of pool and talked and he left. IT SUCKED! He tried to get me to come over that night but even with being totally smashed I denied! I told him that night before I went to bed that I did not want him to call me unless he decided that I was something he wanted to pursue, and guess what I have yet to hear from him! God why did I even open my heart??????? Thats it "Heart Closed Forever"!
Before my mom dropped me off and looked at me and told me "Heidi Clean Happy Miracle" Its out there and we WILL have it! My mom was so wonderful with me even though she knows the whole situation, she knows I cannot help who I fall for!
I want to call him so badly but not in a million years will I allow myself to fall to the pathetic side and give in. Fuck him if he cannot see how worth it I am then he does not deserve me.........................RIGHT???????
God this post is all over the place.
Sorry.
SO here is the hardest part of my entire weekend.
We out with a friend of mine to the lake this weekend, and never in my life have I been so uncomfortable with my body NEVER I am so much bigger that I have ever been I wanted so badly for have a great time but the entire time I was focused on how my body looked and how much it giggled every time the damn boat moved. I was disgusted.
And to even make matters worse we tied up with a bunch of other boats where there were all of these tiny little stick figures all over the place, not to mention the 2 80lb ers we had on our boat, no shit either 82 lbs at the most! I wanted to be sick again so badly.
I know that is not really an option but god I just dont want to do this anymore, I am so fucking judgemental with myself and my heart cannot deal with this!
Ok well I need to be done but I miss you all and hope you had fab weekends!!!!!!
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