I live for fridays, and today is no exception. It is so beautiful out right now, I cannot imagine living anywhere other than CA. I woke up this morning feeling actually pretty damn good for the first time in a while, not sure what brought on the change in my normal grumpy morning routine but I excepted the change without any problem. I slept like complete poo which is even more weird but hey when I have a good morning that is something to celebrate.
Work is really slow today in fact it is so slow that my boss actually came and asked me to go to the store and buy her some freaking milk! Can you believe that? I totally started laughing at her request and agreed to do it, shit what was I gonna say...NO? Haha
Whatever it gets me out of work for a bit.
I'm really looking forward to this weekend, I'm going with my mom to a few of her friends house on the lake for a cookout which that part sucks but the company of others will totally be enjoyed. I'm also looking forward to spend the time with my mom she is so worried and she needs to be mom for a while! I just got a text from my gf E who said she just ran into my mom this am and the coffee house and I asked how she was and she said very worried. E is in her 4th year of law school and actually works at a law office in our town and she said that she wants to review all of my hours and employee handbook for me to make sure that if I go into IP I will not lose my job. I told her I would bring it to her!
I'm really tired of people in my life talking about me behind my back, it is getting really old really fast! I feel like a child who has completely lost grip with everything and that makes me have an even stronger grip on my eating issues than ever! I have to have something that I can be in charge of even if it is this.
I want to go swimming...
I want to be on the lake...
I want to take c to the park...
I want to laugh out loud...
I want to laugh so hard that it makes tears run down my face...
I want to have ice-cream with c and not freak out...
I want to be a good mom...
F that I want to be a great mom...
I want to be in love...
I want to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's in my pj's...
I want to be healthy...
God how demanding am I?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Go Mexico!
Soccer is so awesome!!!! I'm hooked.
Went and watched Mexico and Ecuador play last night and it was the coolest thing ever! I have never seen so much excitement and support than what Mexico had! We had suite tickets and that was amazing also I have never done anything like that. F took me and honestly we had alot of fun together, just hanging and not talking about anything heavy.
I woke up yesterday at like 4:30 and was really sick, once again over did it on the lax and really paid the price, I was vomiting for hours. Needless to say I did not go into work luckily it was my other job and that one is not so important.
My dad became so worried for the first time, it actually got on my nerves. He kept telling me to call the dr and said that if I didn't he would. He has actually been on the phone with my mom who he never talks to alot in the past few weeks. I know he was also making calls to Stanford for there ed program he seems very persistent on me going into IP but there is no way! I'm fine, I actually need to lose a few more lbs. Shoot Im starting to wonder if I even have an ed or if I am just a total out cast to both worlds. I think I take things people say to personal.
Whatever
I feel like I weigh so much today! Freaking fat ass.
So something happened with F last night which is really good, he told be that he was going to withdraw himself from the picture because he did not want to be "that person" meaning the one to cause me any more stress, god he bugged me so bad but now I kinda miss him!! haha that is what I do, its terrible!
He got me a few books last night I started one today its called Lighting Up pretty good so far!! Oh well time will tell, that and me getting some help.
Ok I'm tired and I'm done for now
Went and watched Mexico and Ecuador play last night and it was the coolest thing ever! I have never seen so much excitement and support than what Mexico had! We had suite tickets and that was amazing also I have never done anything like that. F took me and honestly we had alot of fun together, just hanging and not talking about anything heavy.
I woke up yesterday at like 4:30 and was really sick, once again over did it on the lax and really paid the price, I was vomiting for hours. Needless to say I did not go into work luckily it was my other job and that one is not so important.
My dad became so worried for the first time, it actually got on my nerves. He kept telling me to call the dr and said that if I didn't he would. He has actually been on the phone with my mom who he never talks to alot in the past few weeks. I know he was also making calls to Stanford for there ed program he seems very persistent on me going into IP but there is no way! I'm fine, I actually need to lose a few more lbs. Shoot Im starting to wonder if I even have an ed or if I am just a total out cast to both worlds. I think I take things people say to personal.
Whatever
I feel like I weigh so much today! Freaking fat ass.
So something happened with F last night which is really good, he told be that he was going to withdraw himself from the picture because he did not want to be "that person" meaning the one to cause me any more stress, god he bugged me so bad but now I kinda miss him!! haha that is what I do, its terrible!
He got me a few books last night I started one today its called Lighting Up pretty good so far!! Oh well time will tell, that and me getting some help.
Ok I'm tired and I'm done for now
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Hey F why does you mouth smell like corn chips?
Smiles, smiles, smiles,,,,,,
My meeting went so great last night and for the first time EVER I got some numbers for a few women who have a clue of WTF is going on!!! Don't know if I will actually call anyone but I got the numbers. That's a step.
I got an email this am from F and I about lost my mind. He has been getting on my nerves so bad!!!!!!! I talked to him last night and he said very sweetly that if I ever needed support or someone to go to a meeting with he would go with me and I about bit my hand off, I was so pissed that he would even say that to me. Sounds weird I know but I feel like he is trying to infect every bit of my life and I just cannot deal with that. In the email he wrote me he was getting all deep and bringing up all kinds of stuff and finally I had to tell him I did not want to talk about my stuff with him anymore! I want to just put a dirty sock in his mouth sometimes to shut him up! AHHHHH what is wrong with me!
He is the only person who does this to me! I hate when someone thinks they know everything about what I'm going threw when they have no clue at all. Is he hanging his head over the toilet countless times a day and getting on the scale even more??? NOPE. Just shut up already!!!
Sorry guys just venting and so funny but once again I have my whole body tingling.
Ok I just took a DEEP breath I so needed to!!!
I just want one day to happiness again, is that really to much to ask? Maybe. Got on the scale and that damn lb came back, its so frustrating being at one weight one day and expecting it to keep going down and all it does is keep going up then down then up ect. Never ending cycle.
Little C has been awesome, he was all over the place in bed with me last night, he kept crawling off the bed onto the floor to sleep I think I picked him up 20 times before he started telling me NO momma. He has been loving staying with my dad unlike me, the commute is driving me nuts, paying this crazy amount for gas has been making be nuts, having to talk to someone other than C is making me nuts, and having to try to hide and sneak my BP is driving me insane, completely insane! I want my freedom back I feel like I cannot even go to the store without telling someone for god sake I'm almost 30. My shit not there's I know!
Ok god I love this blog I'm always able to think more clearly after I post.
My meeting went so great last night and for the first time EVER I got some numbers for a few women who have a clue of WTF is going on!!! Don't know if I will actually call anyone but I got the numbers. That's a step.
I got an email this am from F and I about lost my mind. He has been getting on my nerves so bad!!!!!!! I talked to him last night and he said very sweetly that if I ever needed support or someone to go to a meeting with he would go with me and I about bit my hand off, I was so pissed that he would even say that to me. Sounds weird I know but I feel like he is trying to infect every bit of my life and I just cannot deal with that. In the email he wrote me he was getting all deep and bringing up all kinds of stuff and finally I had to tell him I did not want to talk about my stuff with him anymore! I want to just put a dirty sock in his mouth sometimes to shut him up! AHHHHH what is wrong with me!
He is the only person who does this to me! I hate when someone thinks they know everything about what I'm going threw when they have no clue at all. Is he hanging his head over the toilet countless times a day and getting on the scale even more??? NOPE. Just shut up already!!!
Sorry guys just venting and so funny but once again I have my whole body tingling.
Ok I just took a DEEP breath I so needed to!!!
I just want one day to happiness again, is that really to much to ask? Maybe. Got on the scale and that damn lb came back, its so frustrating being at one weight one day and expecting it to keep going down and all it does is keep going up then down then up ect. Never ending cycle.
Little C has been awesome, he was all over the place in bed with me last night, he kept crawling off the bed onto the floor to sleep I think I picked him up 20 times before he started telling me NO momma. He has been loving staying with my dad unlike me, the commute is driving me nuts, paying this crazy amount for gas has been making be nuts, having to talk to someone other than C is making me nuts, and having to try to hide and sneak my BP is driving me insane, completely insane! I want my freedom back I feel like I cannot even go to the store without telling someone for god sake I'm almost 30. My shit not there's I know!
Ok god I love this blog I'm always able to think more clearly after I post.
Monday, March 26, 2007
I hate head games!
Ok so now it's raining out and I have no jacket and I'm wearing a short sleeve scrub top!!! ERRRRRRRR it was beautiful this am what the hell happened!!
I hate Mondays why do they even exist, lets just drop them and go straight into Tuesday......
So I finally was able to sit down and watch "The Holiday" god I loved that movie!!! It honestly I think made me make a decision on F and what the heck to do with that whole thing!!!! I decided that I want to feel that "want" for someone and I don't feel it for him. I have a great time with him and I want to feel it for him but I just don't! He took me to this amazing Italian place in the city on Sat which was incredible and I'm sure would have been better had I been able to follow threw with one fucking meal but whatever then we went and saw this play called Beach Blanket Babylon. It was so freaking awesome!!!! I really had such a great time. Why can't I like him??? We went back to his apartment and started to smooch for a bit but as soon as things started to get heavy I stopped all action and off to sleep I fell!! I have no idea what to do, I don't want to play games with him which I think is exactly what I feel like I'm doing even though I am completely honest with him, well as honest as I can be without hurting his feelings. Now he wants to take me to a soccer game in Oakland on Wed and I really want to go but for selfish reasons, not so much to spend time with him, although we always have a great time together. Also I have a group on Wed and part of me would rather go to that. My sister keeps telling me that I cannot have this be an added stress to me but I don't know what to do he is so sweet....
So I just got a phone call from the Dr. I saw last week and she told me that she does not feel like she or the other Dr's can help me so she wants to refer me to someone else, god I liked her too!!! Now the search begins, where to go where to go or do I even want to go? That's the real question. I have a group tonight which I cannot wait for, I so need it after this weekend. I went and saw my mom on sat and shit I cannot even tell you how much I love that woman...She is the most healthy and beautiful thing other than little c in my life. She asked me something that for some reason I cannot get out of my mind! She said how are we supposed to do this Lauren, how do we raise C without you? God it made me so sad to hear that. I don't want c to lose me but I just can't stop this. I need help!!! I give up I give in,,,,,whatever I just want this over!!!
Can it be 2:45 already please........... leaving early!
I hate Mondays why do they even exist, lets just drop them and go straight into Tuesday......
So I finally was able to sit down and watch "The Holiday" god I loved that movie!!! It honestly I think made me make a decision on F and what the heck to do with that whole thing!!!! I decided that I want to feel that "want" for someone and I don't feel it for him. I have a great time with him and I want to feel it for him but I just don't! He took me to this amazing Italian place in the city on Sat which was incredible and I'm sure would have been better had I been able to follow threw with one fucking meal but whatever then we went and saw this play called Beach Blanket Babylon. It was so freaking awesome!!!! I really had such a great time. Why can't I like him??? We went back to his apartment and started to smooch for a bit but as soon as things started to get heavy I stopped all action and off to sleep I fell!! I have no idea what to do, I don't want to play games with him which I think is exactly what I feel like I'm doing even though I am completely honest with him, well as honest as I can be without hurting his feelings. Now he wants to take me to a soccer game in Oakland on Wed and I really want to go but for selfish reasons, not so much to spend time with him, although we always have a great time together. Also I have a group on Wed and part of me would rather go to that. My sister keeps telling me that I cannot have this be an added stress to me but I don't know what to do he is so sweet....
So I just got a phone call from the Dr. I saw last week and she told me that she does not feel like she or the other Dr's can help me so she wants to refer me to someone else, god I liked her too!!! Now the search begins, where to go where to go or do I even want to go? That's the real question. I have a group tonight which I cannot wait for, I so need it after this weekend. I went and saw my mom on sat and shit I cannot even tell you how much I love that woman...She is the most healthy and beautiful thing other than little c in my life. She asked me something that for some reason I cannot get out of my mind! She said how are we supposed to do this Lauren, how do we raise C without you? God it made me so sad to hear that. I don't want c to lose me but I just can't stop this. I need help!!! I give up I give in,,,,,whatever I just want this over!!!
Can it be 2:45 already please........... leaving early!
Friday, March 23, 2007
SANJAYAS NEW NAME SHOULD BE "MANJYNA"
hahaha that is the funniest thing I have read in so freaking long!!! Had to share!
AHHHHHHHHH Exhale! I did it!
"Hi Lauren" That was what the Dr. said to me as I walked in the door....How the hell did she know that I was Lauren? There are like 10 Dr.s that work there how did she know that I was Lauren? Do I really look that bad? Or maybe she knew I would be the fatty making her way in to talk about my over eating addiction hah nothing would surprise me lately.
So I shook her hand and walked back into her office, I sat down and honestly felt all of the skin on my entire body fall asleep, (actually that happens quite often) nerves maybe.
So she sat there and stared at me for awhile well maybe like 30 sec but it felt like FOREVER.
Anyways she basically started going into the whole IP t hing, I swear it felt like my parents had been there before me but no that is just the way these VA docs work I guess, I told her there way no way I was going IP because I cannot afford to lose my job and my home and all else so we decided that we were going to talk to a few docs at Stanford to find one that may work for me and them as well, team effort she said!!
I did not talk for shit which I guess is ok because I really had nothing to say although I did cry like a big freaking baby the whole time! I got really upset when she asked me to get on the scale, I have no problem weighing myself alone but for someone else to see it just pisses me off, nosey!
I decided that I wanted to go ahead and give the wonderful drug Prozac another try so tonight I will start that, Actually that is the only thing that I feel ok about. I'm tired of crying and at the same time I'm tired of feeling nothing at all, I hate seeing others get upset about me and me feel nothing! Maybe the Prozac will get me where I need to be emotionally! I just need to take it...UGH!
I'm just glad that first visit is now over, now who the hell knows but I at least took a step. Hey JG if you read this take that first step, you know its the hardest but by far the best decision to make.
Last night I went with my mom to go hear this amazing Jazz group that we have somewhat become groupies to and it was so what I needed, my mom was relaxed and we were able to just sit back have a glass of wine and enjoy the night, my treat for me.
Today well so far so good, although I got on the scale and I'm down yet another lb, honestly I was sooooooo happy, I got all excited, and now I want to lose more!!!
UGH I was at my tanning salon 2 days ago and was reading this magazine and it was an old one with a picture of Nicole Richie on the cover, I'm sure most of you saw the picture I and talking about she is wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and is either running or walking not sure... but all I kept think while looking at that picture was "that is what I want to look like"!!! And in my heart I do......
I have a patient to check in i just want a nap!!!!!
Just checked my horoscope for today and this is what it said!!!!!
Libra
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)As illogical as it sounds, your heavy mood can be lightened by heavy thoughts. If you face whatever is troubling you and process it with as much honesty as you can, your worries will eventually fade away to nothing. But if you ignore the fact that something is wrong in your life, the problem will never be resolved! It will stick around, waiting to get your attention -- and it can wait forever if need be. Think things through today, and you'll feel better tomorrow.
I never read these things........WTF
So I shook her hand and walked back into her office, I sat down and honestly felt all of the skin on my entire body fall asleep, (actually that happens quite often) nerves maybe.
So she sat there and stared at me for awhile well maybe like 30 sec but it felt like FOREVER.
Anyways she basically started going into the whole IP t hing, I swear it felt like my parents had been there before me but no that is just the way these VA docs work I guess, I told her there way no way I was going IP because I cannot afford to lose my job and my home and all else so we decided that we were going to talk to a few docs at Stanford to find one that may work for me and them as well, team effort she said!!
I did not talk for shit which I guess is ok because I really had nothing to say although I did cry like a big freaking baby the whole time! I got really upset when she asked me to get on the scale, I have no problem weighing myself alone but for someone else to see it just pisses me off, nosey!
I decided that I wanted to go ahead and give the wonderful drug Prozac another try so tonight I will start that, Actually that is the only thing that I feel ok about. I'm tired of crying and at the same time I'm tired of feeling nothing at all, I hate seeing others get upset about me and me feel nothing! Maybe the Prozac will get me where I need to be emotionally! I just need to take it...UGH!
I'm just glad that first visit is now over, now who the hell knows but I at least took a step. Hey JG if you read this take that first step, you know its the hardest but by far the best decision to make.
Last night I went with my mom to go hear this amazing Jazz group that we have somewhat become groupies to and it was so what I needed, my mom was relaxed and we were able to just sit back have a glass of wine and enjoy the night, my treat for me.
Today well so far so good, although I got on the scale and I'm down yet another lb, honestly I was sooooooo happy, I got all excited, and now I want to lose more!!!
UGH I was at my tanning salon 2 days ago and was reading this magazine and it was an old one with a picture of Nicole Richie on the cover, I'm sure most of you saw the picture I and talking about she is wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and is either running or walking not sure... but all I kept think while looking at that picture was "that is what I want to look like"!!! And in my heart I do......
I have a patient to check in i just want a nap!!!!!
Just checked my horoscope for today and this is what it said!!!!!
Libra
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)As illogical as it sounds, your heavy mood can be lightened by heavy thoughts. If you face whatever is troubling you and process it with as much honesty as you can, your worries will eventually fade away to nothing. But if you ignore the fact that something is wrong in your life, the problem will never be resolved! It will stick around, waiting to get your attention -- and it can wait forever if need be. Think things through today, and you'll feel better tomorrow.
I never read these things........WTF
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Judgemental Bitch!
I feel so dizzy today! I swear I almost just passed out in my bosses office!! She totally freaked out! It is so weird because I slept so great last night and I was totally awake but now all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and nap for the next 12 hours!
So I totally fought off the strongest urge to b/p this am I was so happy but now I'm having to deal with it again and not so sure I can make it threw this one. I hate my shit.
So last night was so scary but by god I did it! I went to my first group in 5 years, I walked in feeling really worried and very judgemental but while sitting there something happened and I felt this small weight lift off of me and I was able to breathe a bit and opened up to where I was and who was around me. Very nice people to say the least I felt so welcomed, nothing to say but that's ok it will take time, I'm just glad that I went and want to go back, there is another one I'm going to go to on Monday so I will fill you in on how that one goes. One thing I have to admit which I'm so embarrassed to is that most of the people there were very over weight and that is what I was feeling judgemental about, I thought that I would have nothing in common with them but as I listened to them talk it was amazing I began for the first time ever to realize that all this ed shit is one big disease no matter who it happens to or what kind someone suffers from it is all one huge pile of poo, and we are all going through our own shit no matter what. I have never thought about it like that because I have been so wrapped up in my world of ed and did not honestly believe that I had any room to deal with anymore but I totally do and that is why I think this blogging has helped me so much, I love all of the comments I get from all of you and I love that there are other people who can understand me and who give me the encouragement that I have gotten from others but I never listened to because they had no idea what they were talking about, but you all do, you get the REAL me and that feels so good! Thank you guys!!!
I feel really emotional right now I want to cry and I am so freaked about meeting my new therapist today! I don't even know what to think, my mind is racing and I feel like I am losing it a bit! I have not put anything in my body today because I'm so scared the scale will go up and they will not believe that I have an ed and that I'm just fine, freak....what would I do?
Little C and I had a really peaceful night which was good, we so needed that. God I love when he crawls into bed with me and we snuggle bunny, that's what we call it... He is my heart and when he grabs my face and kisses me I completely love life, but I also hate myself because I feel like a huge lier and that is all I am lately! I need to b/p so freaking bad right now!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish I had a life line who knew me! Really knew me.
My gf E has been dealing with purging for several years now and it comes up for her every once in awhile but it is hard to talk to her because sometimes I feel like it is a competition for her, to be sicker or I don't know it is just hard!!! No one knows what to say to me when I call and try to talk myself threw this life of hell!
Ugh 3:30 is coming way to fast.....I'M TERRIFIED!
So I totally fought off the strongest urge to b/p this am I was so happy but now I'm having to deal with it again and not so sure I can make it threw this one. I hate my shit.
So last night was so scary but by god I did it! I went to my first group in 5 years, I walked in feeling really worried and very judgemental but while sitting there something happened and I felt this small weight lift off of me and I was able to breathe a bit and opened up to where I was and who was around me. Very nice people to say the least I felt so welcomed, nothing to say but that's ok it will take time, I'm just glad that I went and want to go back, there is another one I'm going to go to on Monday so I will fill you in on how that one goes. One thing I have to admit which I'm so embarrassed to is that most of the people there were very over weight and that is what I was feeling judgemental about, I thought that I would have nothing in common with them but as I listened to them talk it was amazing I began for the first time ever to realize that all this ed shit is one big disease no matter who it happens to or what kind someone suffers from it is all one huge pile of poo, and we are all going through our own shit no matter what. I have never thought about it like that because I have been so wrapped up in my world of ed and did not honestly believe that I had any room to deal with anymore but I totally do and that is why I think this blogging has helped me so much, I love all of the comments I get from all of you and I love that there are other people who can understand me and who give me the encouragement that I have gotten from others but I never listened to because they had no idea what they were talking about, but you all do, you get the REAL me and that feels so good! Thank you guys!!!
I feel really emotional right now I want to cry and I am so freaked about meeting my new therapist today! I don't even know what to think, my mind is racing and I feel like I am losing it a bit! I have not put anything in my body today because I'm so scared the scale will go up and they will not believe that I have an ed and that I'm just fine, freak....what would I do?
Little C and I had a really peaceful night which was good, we so needed that. God I love when he crawls into bed with me and we snuggle bunny, that's what we call it... He is my heart and when he grabs my face and kisses me I completely love life, but I also hate myself because I feel like a huge lier and that is all I am lately! I need to b/p so freaking bad right now!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish I had a life line who knew me! Really knew me.
My gf E has been dealing with purging for several years now and it comes up for her every once in awhile but it is hard to talk to her because sometimes I feel like it is a competition for her, to be sicker or I don't know it is just hard!!! No one knows what to say to me when I call and try to talk myself threw this life of hell!
Ugh 3:30 is coming way to fast.....I'M TERRIFIED!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Negative people stay the hell away
My head is throbbing and I cannot think straight!
I have to also just add that negative people drive me freaking crazy, I will never understand how someone can say something to someone else that is so completely hurtful and have it not bother them in any shape or form! Sick fu%ks! Do people honestly think negative treatment is really the way to get results.
I honestly want to cry right now! I cannot remember the last time my head hurt so bad, wtf!
I have to also just add that negative people drive me freaking crazy, I will never understand how someone can say something to someone else that is so completely hurtful and have it not bother them in any shape or form! Sick fu%ks! Do people honestly think negative treatment is really the way to get results.
I honestly want to cry right now! I cannot remember the last time my head hurt so bad, wtf!
Religion! I'm not going there!
I'm tired, I need a nap and an ambein, and a good meal that I will keep down, and a nap and a vicodin to get rid of this pain in my jaw or at least give me some relief (I'm seeing the Dr for this tonight) and a nap.
Last night was quite interesting, I have mentioned before that my dad is a Jehovah's Witness and so last night when he was leaving for meeting (church) I said bye dad I love you and he said smiling if you loved me you would come with me. I laughed it off but in the back of my mind I could not stop thinking about weather or not I was really letting him down because I chose to live my life in a different way than he does. Actually staying with him has really been nice although I find myself hiding my b/p instead of talking about it which works for me right now, at least until I get this thing under some control. Anyways when he left and got to church I realized that they have been talking so much about religion and little remarks here and there about Armageddon and the shit that will happen then which this alone is one huge reason why I do not go to church or follow any religion, they all scare the shit out of me! I refuse to have anyone tell me that I am a bad person ever again for not believing what they do or that I am going to die because I choose to have a relationship with people who are not JW's. NO WAY!!! I'm done with that shit!! God it pisses me off just writing about it, hmmmm maybe I do have some built up shit towards that.. Wouldn't surprise me one bit.
Religion is a sore subject for me,, no kidding!
SO moving on, tonight is my first group, and I'm so worried that I am either going to walk in to this place where there is a group of women/men who are all littler than me and that I'm going to feel like a complete fat ass who has no reason for being there and that everyone under their breath is going to be saying what is SHE doing here, SHE is healthy, look at how fat SHE is and why would SHE ever think SHE could come into OUR group! I hate how I feel right now, I want so much to be healthy I just want to be healthy with my ed. Is that possible? No need to answer I already know.
I am so sick of waking up 5 times a night, lately the lax have been making me vomit as well in the night, not to sure why but I get really sick and puke and then I feel fine,(completely worn out but fine) is that bad? No need to answer that either I know the answer.
This morning after I got ready I had a few minutes to sit back and relax, while I was doing that I got the weirdest feeling like my body was completely melting into the chair and I could not pull myself out, I was totally dazed, so weird!! I'm a mess and fat! I have these freaking belly rolls, no matter how much I lose they are still there, laughing at me. I want a cinnamon roll!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate this!
Last night was quite interesting, I have mentioned before that my dad is a Jehovah's Witness and so last night when he was leaving for meeting (church) I said bye dad I love you and he said smiling if you loved me you would come with me. I laughed it off but in the back of my mind I could not stop thinking about weather or not I was really letting him down because I chose to live my life in a different way than he does. Actually staying with him has really been nice although I find myself hiding my b/p instead of talking about it which works for me right now, at least until I get this thing under some control. Anyways when he left and got to church I realized that they have been talking so much about religion and little remarks here and there about Armageddon and the shit that will happen then which this alone is one huge reason why I do not go to church or follow any religion, they all scare the shit out of me! I refuse to have anyone tell me that I am a bad person ever again for not believing what they do or that I am going to die because I choose to have a relationship with people who are not JW's. NO WAY!!! I'm done with that shit!! God it pisses me off just writing about it, hmmmm maybe I do have some built up shit towards that.. Wouldn't surprise me one bit.
Religion is a sore subject for me,, no kidding!
SO moving on, tonight is my first group, and I'm so worried that I am either going to walk in to this place where there is a group of women/men who are all littler than me and that I'm going to feel like a complete fat ass who has no reason for being there and that everyone under their breath is going to be saying what is SHE doing here, SHE is healthy, look at how fat SHE is and why would SHE ever think SHE could come into OUR group! I hate how I feel right now, I want so much to be healthy I just want to be healthy with my ed. Is that possible? No need to answer I already know.
I am so sick of waking up 5 times a night, lately the lax have been making me vomit as well in the night, not to sure why but I get really sick and puke and then I feel fine,(completely worn out but fine) is that bad? No need to answer that either I know the answer.
This morning after I got ready I had a few minutes to sit back and relax, while I was doing that I got the weirdest feeling like my body was completely melting into the chair and I could not pull myself out, I was totally dazed, so weird!! I'm a mess and fat! I have these freaking belly rolls, no matter how much I lose they are still there, laughing at me. I want a cinnamon roll!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate this!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Just Breathe
Time for another post and my god after catching up on all my reading I feel like complete shit even thinking about all of my issues, they are so minimal when it come to other out there, first off Jen all of my positive thoughts are sent your way. I feel so terrible for her and I hope that she is ok.
As for others one of whom I hope will read this, I hope you will be able to take complete advantage of the opportunity that has been put in front of you because god dammit you are worth more.
As for me well this was a very difficult weekend and after working my other job yesterday I completely fell apart, I'm so tired both mentally and physically, and I have no idea what to do anymore, my head is all over the place and it hurts ALL the time. My jaw is hurting like you would not believe, I was diagnosed with TMJ about 10 years ago and these last few months have really put a strain on it and has made me completely crazy, I'm feeling angry so much and my patience is at a minimum with everyone and everything.
I called to make an appt with my therapist yesterday and she got me an appt on Thurs which i realized I am not ready for but have not other option but to go and to get help. My dad brought up IP again yesterday and said all would be taken care of if that was where we decided to go with all of this, but I cannot do that to him or myself again, I refuse!
I have also found a group to go to tomorrow and to be honest with you I'm really looking forward to that! My step mom is going to go with me (god knows she needs to be there to)!
I am grateful that she wants to be there with me though!
I'm feeling like such a heifer today and it is making me want to b/p so freaking bad..I hate this urge, I want it gone!!!! Breathe Lauren Breathe
So had my somewhat double date on Sat and it was really a lot of fun, F showed up with these cute pressies for my gf E and I and then we went to dinner which I actually was able to run off and purge thank god cuz I felt like shita! We went to the bar after and I think I had a bit to much to drink, I was wasted to say the least!!!! We had fun though, I danced like a complete fool. The only bad thing was that I was checking out this other guy that was there that I have met on several occasions, he came and gave me a hug and asked if that guy I was with was my bf and I said no, (cuz he is not) !!!!! I stand by that!!! Why can't I commit?
Oh well at work and actually need to get some of it done! Is it nap time yet?
By the way my little man is amazing, my dad got him a new bike yesterday and my god 2 1/2 and he is all over the place on it! He leaves me speechless daily!!!
As for others one of whom I hope will read this, I hope you will be able to take complete advantage of the opportunity that has been put in front of you because god dammit you are worth more.
As for me well this was a very difficult weekend and after working my other job yesterday I completely fell apart, I'm so tired both mentally and physically, and I have no idea what to do anymore, my head is all over the place and it hurts ALL the time. My jaw is hurting like you would not believe, I was diagnosed with TMJ about 10 years ago and these last few months have really put a strain on it and has made me completely crazy, I'm feeling angry so much and my patience is at a minimum with everyone and everything.
I called to make an appt with my therapist yesterday and she got me an appt on Thurs which i realized I am not ready for but have not other option but to go and to get help. My dad brought up IP again yesterday and said all would be taken care of if that was where we decided to go with all of this, but I cannot do that to him or myself again, I refuse!
I have also found a group to go to tomorrow and to be honest with you I'm really looking forward to that! My step mom is going to go with me (god knows she needs to be there to)!
I am grateful that she wants to be there with me though!
I'm feeling like such a heifer today and it is making me want to b/p so freaking bad..I hate this urge, I want it gone!!!! Breathe Lauren Breathe
So had my somewhat double date on Sat and it was really a lot of fun, F showed up with these cute pressies for my gf E and I and then we went to dinner which I actually was able to run off and purge thank god cuz I felt like shita! We went to the bar after and I think I had a bit to much to drink, I was wasted to say the least!!!! We had fun though, I danced like a complete fool. The only bad thing was that I was checking out this other guy that was there that I have met on several occasions, he came and gave me a hug and asked if that guy I was with was my bf and I said no, (cuz he is not) !!!!! I stand by that!!! Why can't I commit?
Oh well at work and actually need to get some of it done! Is it nap time yet?
By the way my little man is amazing, my dad got him a new bike yesterday and my god 2 1/2 and he is all over the place on it! He leaves me speechless daily!!!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Surprise it's a BOY
1.5 lbs......... How is it possible that I gained that???? Oh my god this is going to be so hard. How am I ever gonna begin to get any better if I cannot stay off the scale and allow myself to gain some weight? I wanna cry at that sight. Ed's are such a double edged sword. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I feel like my stomach rolls are just hanging over my scrubs. I hate elastic waste bands, no I hate being fat, it it wasn't for that then the waste bands would not be an issue!
I feel like I'm on such a roller coaster one day I feel positive the next I feel fat ugly and like I want to hide. I decided I'm going to start going to the tanning bed again today, maybe I just need that fake and bake to get my head out of this funk.. I wish it was just that simple.
I went to have dinner with my mom last night, I picked up sushi and we ate with little C. I kept it down for really as long as I could do it until it became out of control and I purged, I felt like such a loser, my mom totally knew it to. I hate doing this to her. She told me last night that when I was living with her there were times when I was taking the Lax and she sooooo know ( no explanation needed I hope) and she said she would want to come and yell and scream at me and other times where she would just cry herself back to sleep. I felt like the worst daughter ever.
I got a phone call last night from my girlfriend who is prego and said she was having a girl and come to find out they did another ultrasound and surprise surprise there is no little girl inside of that belly!!! hahahaha She was so excited!!! His name will be Jacob Zane. I love it!
I am trying to keep myself around people as much as possible but to be honest with you they are all starting to get on my damn nerves................... I'm such a bitch!
My boss that drives me crazy and leaves early every day just came and had a total break down to me, I felt so bad. I had nothing to say to her, I just told her that she needs to take care of herself more. I suck at good advice.
Not looking forward to this weekend very much but whatever I just hope things go well on my double date. SO nervous and not sure how I'm gonna pull of the purge thing with 3 other people there and 2 of them know my shit!!! I hate that this all came out!! I want to be alone in my ED not out and weak which is what has happened!!!
I'M SO BLOATED!!!!! I want to take a needle and pop! I hate this
My poop beautiful jeep is still sitting in my dads driveway all broken, makes me want to cry,,,but by golly what doesn't lately!
Hopefully it will go to the shop on Monday or Tuesday!!!! IT BETTER I miss Priscilla... haha I love naming my cars!!!
Well I may return later today but I have so much to do so if not I'm wishing all of you an amazing and peaceful weekend and most of all Happy St Patricks Day!!!
With love Lauren!
I feel like I'm on such a roller coaster one day I feel positive the next I feel fat ugly and like I want to hide. I decided I'm going to start going to the tanning bed again today, maybe I just need that fake and bake to get my head out of this funk.. I wish it was just that simple.
I went to have dinner with my mom last night, I picked up sushi and we ate with little C. I kept it down for really as long as I could do it until it became out of control and I purged, I felt like such a loser, my mom totally knew it to. I hate doing this to her. She told me last night that when I was living with her there were times when I was taking the Lax and she sooooo know ( no explanation needed I hope) and she said she would want to come and yell and scream at me and other times where she would just cry herself back to sleep. I felt like the worst daughter ever.
I got a phone call last night from my girlfriend who is prego and said she was having a girl and come to find out they did another ultrasound and surprise surprise there is no little girl inside of that belly!!! hahahaha She was so excited!!! His name will be Jacob Zane. I love it!
I am trying to keep myself around people as much as possible but to be honest with you they are all starting to get on my damn nerves................... I'm such a bitch!
My boss that drives me crazy and leaves early every day just came and had a total break down to me, I felt so bad. I had nothing to say to her, I just told her that she needs to take care of herself more. I suck at good advice.
Not looking forward to this weekend very much but whatever I just hope things go well on my double date. SO nervous and not sure how I'm gonna pull of the purge thing with 3 other people there and 2 of them know my shit!!! I hate that this all came out!! I want to be alone in my ED not out and weak which is what has happened!!!
I'M SO BLOATED!!!!! I want to take a needle and pop! I hate this
My poop beautiful jeep is still sitting in my dads driveway all broken, makes me want to cry,,,but by golly what doesn't lately!
Hopefully it will go to the shop on Monday or Tuesday!!!! IT BETTER I miss Priscilla... haha I love naming my cars!!!
Well I may return later today but I have so much to do so if not I'm wishing all of you an amazing and peaceful weekend and most of all Happy St Patricks Day!!!
With love Lauren!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Can we say "INTERVENTION"
Feelings for Thursday March 15th:
Tired
Sad
Angry as hell
Pathetic
Weak
Guilty
Fat Fat Fat
in love with little C
angry
angry
embarrassed
huge
foggy
ugly
disgusting
hopeful
Ok that is it for now my head is so full of so much I cannot even begin to describe.
I want to cut off all my hair! No I'm not pulling a Brittney I just want it off, it is so long and dead and I hate it! But I'm scared I will look even fatter if I do!!
SO Tuesday night I went to my dads after work and guess what......my whole freaking family was there, did I call it or what? I'm still in shock that it came down to this. I heard it all, actually it was better than expected. I think it was what I really needed. Just to bad it took my car being fucked up to have it happen.
So you would really think that with this happening maybe just maybe I would have cut back a bit but no such luck in fact it has been worse well maybe not worse but definitely not better.
My dad told me that he wanted me to come stay with him for the next few weeks until I start to get this under a bit of control which is really my intention. He said that he wanted to me to not be alone anymore and wanted to help me as much as possible with little C. I told him I wanted to think about it some more well over the weekend and he said for me to take my time but not to much time. I hate making my family feel so terrible it drives me nuts.
I have cried so much in the last 2 days that if the lax have not dehydrated me then the loss of tears sure has.
So on the positive side I went to do my orientation with the VA yesterday and will have a therapist by Tues! Thank god. I'm actually thinking about getting back on some kind of med. Obviously I need it. I'm just so tired of being so consumed I want to change I just hope I can do it. Not sure how it is gonna happen other than 1 step at a time and maybe I need to...........never mind who the hell knows how I'm going to do this but shit but little C is so worth living for. I have fallen so fast and If I don't get up now then I don't know if I will.
I'm feeling really blurry right now! After purging this afternoon I seriously felt like I was going to pass out. I drank some Pepsi and felt ok after a few but my god it was weird.
While getting ready for work this morning I was sitting in my under stuff and for the first time in months I loved how my collar bones looked. They were totally sticking out. How sick is that? But it made me feel like my actions were finally getting me somewhere. Crapy time for this to happen, right when I need to turn my shit around.
I just talked to one of my best friends and she is 20 weeks prego and just had her ultrasound and the told her 85% chance it is a girl!!! I was smiling so big. It is the funniest thing though, 3 of my gf's are total tom boys and they are all having girls and my other friend and I are total girly girls and we had boys! What the hell! I guess that is how it works. I swear when I found out I was having a boy I was like "what the f am I gonna do with a boy" it was so funny, I was so scared. I know all the girls stuff and I knew nothing about little smelly boys. Now on the other hand I know plenty and am learning more everyday! I took the sweetest picture of him sleeping this am, I'm gonna post it. He makes me melt!
So back to the fam......If stuff gets worse then it is back to IP for me.......I'm not gonna let that happen again! Not for anything.
Hey guess what, I asked F to be my date on a double for St. Patty's day with my gf E and her date...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH What am I thinking?? I'll never know!!! He is slowly but surely moving his way into me and my life!
Ok on to bigger issues......When the hell is Sanjaya gonna get his ass kicked off of the show!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR American he SUCKS!! Great hair but he sucks!!!!
Tired
Sad
Angry as hell
Pathetic
Weak
Guilty
Fat Fat Fat
in love with little C
angry
angry
embarrassed
huge
foggy
ugly
disgusting
hopeful
Ok that is it for now my head is so full of so much I cannot even begin to describe.
I want to cut off all my hair! No I'm not pulling a Brittney I just want it off, it is so long and dead and I hate it! But I'm scared I will look even fatter if I do!!
SO Tuesday night I went to my dads after work and guess what......my whole freaking family was there, did I call it or what? I'm still in shock that it came down to this. I heard it all, actually it was better than expected. I think it was what I really needed. Just to bad it took my car being fucked up to have it happen.
So you would really think that with this happening maybe just maybe I would have cut back a bit but no such luck in fact it has been worse well maybe not worse but definitely not better.
My dad told me that he wanted me to come stay with him for the next few weeks until I start to get this under a bit of control which is really my intention. He said that he wanted to me to not be alone anymore and wanted to help me as much as possible with little C. I told him I wanted to think about it some more well over the weekend and he said for me to take my time but not to much time. I hate making my family feel so terrible it drives me nuts.
I have cried so much in the last 2 days that if the lax have not dehydrated me then the loss of tears sure has.
So on the positive side I went to do my orientation with the VA yesterday and will have a therapist by Tues! Thank god. I'm actually thinking about getting back on some kind of med. Obviously I need it. I'm just so tired of being so consumed I want to change I just hope I can do it. Not sure how it is gonna happen other than 1 step at a time and maybe I need to...........never mind who the hell knows how I'm going to do this but shit but little C is so worth living for. I have fallen so fast and If I don't get up now then I don't know if I will.
I'm feeling really blurry right now! After purging this afternoon I seriously felt like I was going to pass out. I drank some Pepsi and felt ok after a few but my god it was weird.
While getting ready for work this morning I was sitting in my under stuff and for the first time in months I loved how my collar bones looked. They were totally sticking out. How sick is that? But it made me feel like my actions were finally getting me somewhere. Crapy time for this to happen, right when I need to turn my shit around.
I just talked to one of my best friends and she is 20 weeks prego and just had her ultrasound and the told her 85% chance it is a girl!!! I was smiling so big. It is the funniest thing though, 3 of my gf's are total tom boys and they are all having girls and my other friend and I are total girly girls and we had boys! What the hell! I guess that is how it works. I swear when I found out I was having a boy I was like "what the f am I gonna do with a boy" it was so funny, I was so scared. I know all the girls stuff and I knew nothing about little smelly boys. Now on the other hand I know plenty and am learning more everyday! I took the sweetest picture of him sleeping this am, I'm gonna post it. He makes me melt!
So back to the fam......If stuff gets worse then it is back to IP for me.......I'm not gonna let that happen again! Not for anything.
Hey guess what, I asked F to be my date on a double for St. Patty's day with my gf E and her date...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH What am I thinking?? I'll never know!!! He is slowly but surely moving his way into me and my life!
Ok on to bigger issues......When the hell is Sanjaya gonna get his ass kicked off of the show!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR American he SUCKS!! Great hair but he sucks!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
DAISY'S MY FAVORITE!
I just got a surprise visit from my mom, she had a huge bouquet of daisy's for me!!!
They are by far my most favorite flower in the world. I don't deserve them though! I don't deserve anything nice from anyone!
I could tell that she had been crying all morning which made me feel like complete crap because I'm doing what I swore to myself I would not do again to my family.
She said to me that she was no longer going to pretend that nothing was going on with me. She said when she saw me on Sat she thought I did not look well at all and then when she saw me on Sunday she said I had looked like I had dropped 5 more lbs. She said I look unhealthy.......Why is that standing out in my head? The to thin thing I can handle its the unhealthy thing that stirs shit up for me!
I want to stop crying and I want for this freaking voice in my head to stop telling me what a fat ass I am and that if I keep down that salad or sandwich or a freaking chip for that matter I will gain all my weight back! I don't want to die I don't!!!!!!!! I want to be free and thin now is that to much to ask?
They are by far my most favorite flower in the world. I don't deserve them though! I don't deserve anything nice from anyone!
I could tell that she had been crying all morning which made me feel like complete crap because I'm doing what I swore to myself I would not do again to my family.
She said to me that she was no longer going to pretend that nothing was going on with me. She said when she saw me on Sat she thought I did not look well at all and then when she saw me on Sunday she said I had looked like I had dropped 5 more lbs. She said I look unhealthy.......Why is that standing out in my head? The to thin thing I can handle its the unhealthy thing that stirs shit up for me!
I want to stop crying and I want for this freaking voice in my head to stop telling me what a fat ass I am and that if I keep down that salad or sandwich or a freaking chip for that matter I will gain all my weight back! I don't want to die I don't!!!!!!!! I want to be free and thin now is that to much to ask?
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE THROW ME A BONE!!!
I swear just when I start to feel ok, not great just ok, all shit goes down the damn tube!!! SO I have been looking forward to today for awhile because I have had plans to go see the Sharks for like 3 months with my girlfriend N who is a total hockey freak. I have never been to a game so really it is all her and I have talked about for weeks.
Well this morning I get up like every other freaking morning and get ready for work. All seems ok that is until I drop C off at daycare and stop off to get my daily sugar free Red Bull! I get back into my car and head out when all of the sudden I'm sitting in the middle of the street completely connected to the back end of some guys pickup!!!! COME ON GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
We are standing in the middle of the road and the guy gets out of his car and yells what were you looking at???? I started to cry so hard I could barely talk. Then a cop pulls up and yells at both of us for being in the middle of the road and I start crying even more as if it is possible! We pull our cars over and the man comes over to me and starts being totally nice, we exchange info and file a report, long story short of course. I call my dad totally upset and he calms me down and says that we will take care of everything. I'm so freaking depressed I cannot even begin to explain. Thank god for insurance!!
I'm such a gosh darn pathetic fat ass.
When will this nightmare end?
I'm gonna be 30 this year and I'm a sorry piece of shit single mom who has to run to her daddy every time something happens because there is no way I'm gonna be able to afford this.
What really sucks is that today my dad called me back and said that he wants me to come over to his house to talk about what my options are.....what the f does that mean? I know part of it is about my health and my god I just don't know what to do!!
I want to go home get a blanket and crawl under my bed and stay there!!!
I must be the most pathetic mom out there, not must.... I am!!!
I'm so sorry little c!!!
I cannot stop crying, the tears will not quit falling, why why why~~~
I felt so pathetic last night. At one point I had eaten dinner and of course ran to the toilet right after but while I was in the middle of purging I could hear my neighbors outside talking and laughing, so I stood up and looked out and saw like 6 people all hanging out drinking, having a smoke and laughing there asses off and there I was tank top and boxers, hair in a ponytail, bloodshot eyes with tears falling out vomiting my life away or my dinner I guess! God I just want to laugh and smile and eat a meal like a normal person with no worries about gaining a damn lb. which I lost another by the way!! WTF! I need to get my shit together and be a good mom and stop being so freaking selfish!! Little C I'm so sorry!!!!!!! I cannot say it enough! Thank god you don't know this part of me!
Well this morning I get up like every other freaking morning and get ready for work. All seems ok that is until I drop C off at daycare and stop off to get my daily sugar free Red Bull! I get back into my car and head out when all of the sudden I'm sitting in the middle of the street completely connected to the back end of some guys pickup!!!! COME ON GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
We are standing in the middle of the road and the guy gets out of his car and yells what were you looking at???? I started to cry so hard I could barely talk. Then a cop pulls up and yells at both of us for being in the middle of the road and I start crying even more as if it is possible! We pull our cars over and the man comes over to me and starts being totally nice, we exchange info and file a report, long story short of course. I call my dad totally upset and he calms me down and says that we will take care of everything. I'm so freaking depressed I cannot even begin to explain. Thank god for insurance!!
I'm such a gosh darn pathetic fat ass.
When will this nightmare end?
I'm gonna be 30 this year and I'm a sorry piece of shit single mom who has to run to her daddy every time something happens because there is no way I'm gonna be able to afford this.
What really sucks is that today my dad called me back and said that he wants me to come over to his house to talk about what my options are.....what the f does that mean? I know part of it is about my health and my god I just don't know what to do!!
I want to go home get a blanket and crawl under my bed and stay there!!!
I must be the most pathetic mom out there, not must.... I am!!!
I'm so sorry little c!!!
I cannot stop crying, the tears will not quit falling, why why why~~~
I felt so pathetic last night. At one point I had eaten dinner and of course ran to the toilet right after but while I was in the middle of purging I could hear my neighbors outside talking and laughing, so I stood up and looked out and saw like 6 people all hanging out drinking, having a smoke and laughing there asses off and there I was tank top and boxers, hair in a ponytail, bloodshot eyes with tears falling out vomiting my life away or my dinner I guess! God I just want to laugh and smile and eat a meal like a normal person with no worries about gaining a damn lb. which I lost another by the way!! WTF! I need to get my shit together and be a good mom and stop being so freaking selfish!! Little C I'm so sorry!!!!!!! I cannot say it enough! Thank god you don't know this part of me!
Monday, March 12, 2007
The VA" hurry up and wait"
Starting one of these is always so difficult for me.
Never know quite where to begin.
Well I had a great time seeing all of my gf's this weekend. They are all such hotties it drives me nuts! I wish I could feel and look the way they do! Makes me so jealous. I would never admit that to them of course because that is all I need is for someone else to know I feel like shit about myself. They are amazing friends and are totally there for me I just wish sometimes we were able to just be 12 years old again sitting in our pj's watching movies! No cares in the world other than our latest crushes! Shoving our faces with the most horrible foods and not giving a second thought to it other than how full we felt after which after saying turned into a faint memory oh so quickly!
haha hey did those days ever really exist?
I had a very hard weekend! I went to pick up little C from my step mom and dads house on Friday and from the get go he started in with me. I think he was mad because he was away from me for a few days. I can't blame him I guess but I do need to learn a few more coping techniques to deal with his anger.
Ok something else I did not admit a few weeks ago when I was stressing really bad with him. It was when I found myself yelling at him (which by the way I am still doing a great job with not doing) that night when I put him to bed and I got into the shower I completely broke down and did something that I have never done before! I started hitting myself in the arms......Why would I do that!
The only reason I could come up with is that it was the only way at that moment in time I knew how to punish myself for being a terrible mom and yelling! I have never done anything like that before in my life and it has been on my mind so much because I don't understand it! My brother was a cutter for a very long time and I'm beginning to wonder if that is how they feel when they do things like that to themselves. God I hope not! I now have these grossly ugly bruised up arms to which I tell people that accidentally see it that I did it moving. Which could be true. Anyways just another stupid moment in my life that I needed to come out!! There I think that is it on the secret life..... haha I'm sure I will come up with more, dammit!
I had a really bad weekend when it came to purging. Happened WAY TO MUCH!!! Over and over and over, I swear I thought I had for sure gained 30 lbs this weekend but when I came in I actually had dropped another lb. I'm getting a little scared though. 94.4 was the number this am and I'm sorry if that is a trigger for any reader but I have no one to tell this to. I called the mental health dept with the VA which if I have not said before I was in the Air Force for 6 years and was actually the first female in the Air force to be put into treatment and fully paid for an eating disorder which is so sad because so many women in the military suffer from ed's. Anyways long story short I was basically kicked out for my ed and now I have disability for life because of it which is good for me I guess but what it means is I have to deal with VA doctors who sometimes tend to suck. What I was getting at was that I called to set up an appt with a psychologist and they told me that since it has been over a year I have to do an orientation all over again!!! ERRRRR Hurry up and wait that is the military saying!
Hopefully I will get in soon and be able to see and talk to someone again! I quit originally because my Dr. told me that if I did not stop the lax abuse my son could be taken away and so I told her to fuck off and walked out never to return to her again!
Smart way to keep a patient lady.........
I am trying even though it may not sound like it.
On Saturday I got a visit from my mom who was amazing to see, god I love her so much it hurts!
She told me that she had admit something to me and that was that her and my sister had been talking about me and that she wanted me to know that my whole family loved me very much and were VERY worried about me. She said that I had lost to much weight and that it is very noticeable. God how does it happen so fast?
I don't want anyone in my family to worry about me! I have done nothing but cause constant stress for my family over and over and I'm sick of putting them in pain. My heart is aching for my little man today....not so sure why but some days it just hits me hard!
Never know quite where to begin.
Well I had a great time seeing all of my gf's this weekend. They are all such hotties it drives me nuts! I wish I could feel and look the way they do! Makes me so jealous. I would never admit that to them of course because that is all I need is for someone else to know I feel like shit about myself. They are amazing friends and are totally there for me I just wish sometimes we were able to just be 12 years old again sitting in our pj's watching movies! No cares in the world other than our latest crushes! Shoving our faces with the most horrible foods and not giving a second thought to it other than how full we felt after which after saying turned into a faint memory oh so quickly!
haha hey did those days ever really exist?
I had a very hard weekend! I went to pick up little C from my step mom and dads house on Friday and from the get go he started in with me. I think he was mad because he was away from me for a few days. I can't blame him I guess but I do need to learn a few more coping techniques to deal with his anger.
Ok something else I did not admit a few weeks ago when I was stressing really bad with him. It was when I found myself yelling at him (which by the way I am still doing a great job with not doing) that night when I put him to bed and I got into the shower I completely broke down and did something that I have never done before! I started hitting myself in the arms......Why would I do that!
The only reason I could come up with is that it was the only way at that moment in time I knew how to punish myself for being a terrible mom and yelling! I have never done anything like that before in my life and it has been on my mind so much because I don't understand it! My brother was a cutter for a very long time and I'm beginning to wonder if that is how they feel when they do things like that to themselves. God I hope not! I now have these grossly ugly bruised up arms to which I tell people that accidentally see it that I did it moving. Which could be true. Anyways just another stupid moment in my life that I needed to come out!! There I think that is it on the secret life..... haha I'm sure I will come up with more, dammit!
I had a really bad weekend when it came to purging. Happened WAY TO MUCH!!! Over and over and over, I swear I thought I had for sure gained 30 lbs this weekend but when I came in I actually had dropped another lb. I'm getting a little scared though. 94.4 was the number this am and I'm sorry if that is a trigger for any reader but I have no one to tell this to. I called the mental health dept with the VA which if I have not said before I was in the Air Force for 6 years and was actually the first female in the Air force to be put into treatment and fully paid for an eating disorder which is so sad because so many women in the military suffer from ed's. Anyways long story short I was basically kicked out for my ed and now I have disability for life because of it which is good for me I guess but what it means is I have to deal with VA doctors who sometimes tend to suck. What I was getting at was that I called to set up an appt with a psychologist and they told me that since it has been over a year I have to do an orientation all over again!!! ERRRRR Hurry up and wait that is the military saying!
Hopefully I will get in soon and be able to see and talk to someone again! I quit originally because my Dr. told me that if I did not stop the lax abuse my son could be taken away and so I told her to fuck off and walked out never to return to her again!
Smart way to keep a patient lady.........
I am trying even though it may not sound like it.
On Saturday I got a visit from my mom who was amazing to see, god I love her so much it hurts!
She told me that she had admit something to me and that was that her and my sister had been talking about me and that she wanted me to know that my whole family loved me very much and were VERY worried about me. She said that I had lost to much weight and that it is very noticeable. God how does it happen so fast?
I don't want anyone in my family to worry about me! I have done nothing but cause constant stress for my family over and over and I'm sick of putting them in pain. My heart is aching for my little man today....not so sure why but some days it just hits me hard!
Friday, March 9, 2007
#5 There is NO F&C%ING WAY
Ok so first off I'm so pissed of about the results from last night's American Idol! America what in the hell are you thinking???? ERRRRRR
Well I guess my real secret is out I'M A REALITY TV ADDICT!
I think our scale here at work is doing something funny because there is no possible way I lost 2 lbs over night. Although I would love to believe that was true there is just no way. Shit, well what I want to know is when will my weight be ok? Is it 92lbs is it 90lbs is it 88lbs? Who knows really, what I do know is I don't want to all of the sudden be 85 lbs and back into treatment.
#1 There is no F&%KING way
#2 I cannot lose my job! Best job ever!
#3 Cannot risk anything with little C oh hell no that's #1 my bad.
#4 My family would simply hate me bottom line I will have failed all of them.
So now all I need are steps in in the right direction which would be which way from here?
I'm so tired of my daily life, energy, and every thought going to my ed and when I will get to b/p and how many lax to take today and when to take them and do I have enough or do I have to make a run to Walmart which is a total pain in the ass. God will this end? I hope
So I'm so happy that it is finally Friday. I get to see one of my best girl friends tomorrow and another one tonight so that will totally be encouraging to me. Well unless I have to eat with them which in turn might turn out terrible! SO F is in Tahoe this weekend and has been sending me the sweetest text messages all day. He won pretty big last night and wants to take me away.. Super great thing is that he always includes C when we talk about that kind of stuff. C met him once when we were seeing each other and they fell in love with each other right away and maybe that is why I pulled back so fast!! He is my little man not so sure I'm willing to share him or if he is willing to share me.
Well not really in the mood to bitch too much right now sorry if I do so much of that I know it is a pain but god it makes me feel like I can breathe so never mind I'm not sorry!
Anyone who reads this I hope you have a wonderful Friday and are able to have a peaceful weekend!!
With love Lauren!
Well I guess my real secret is out I'M A REALITY TV ADDICT!
I think our scale here at work is doing something funny because there is no possible way I lost 2 lbs over night. Although I would love to believe that was true there is just no way. Shit, well what I want to know is when will my weight be ok? Is it 92lbs is it 90lbs is it 88lbs? Who knows really, what I do know is I don't want to all of the sudden be 85 lbs and back into treatment.
#1 There is no F&%KING way
#2 I cannot lose my job! Best job ever!
#3 Cannot risk anything with little C oh hell no that's #1 my bad.
#4 My family would simply hate me bottom line I will have failed all of them.
So now all I need are steps in in the right direction which would be which way from here?
I'm so tired of my daily life, energy, and every thought going to my ed and when I will get to b/p and how many lax to take today and when to take them and do I have enough or do I have to make a run to Walmart which is a total pain in the ass. God will this end? I hope
So I'm so happy that it is finally Friday. I get to see one of my best girl friends tomorrow and another one tonight so that will totally be encouraging to me. Well unless I have to eat with them which in turn might turn out terrible! SO F is in Tahoe this weekend and has been sending me the sweetest text messages all day. He won pretty big last night and wants to take me away.. Super great thing is that he always includes C when we talk about that kind of stuff. C met him once when we were seeing each other and they fell in love with each other right away and maybe that is why I pulled back so fast!! He is my little man not so sure I'm willing to share him or if he is willing to share me.
Well not really in the mood to bitch too much right now sorry if I do so much of that I know it is a pain but god it makes me feel like I can breathe so never mind I'm not sorry!
Anyone who reads this I hope you have a wonderful Friday and are able to have a peaceful weekend!!
With love Lauren!
Thursday, March 8, 2007
"To be proud or not to be proud" that is the question
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl
said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank
martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End (Thought you would appreciate it PTC)!
My sister e-mailed this to me this morning and I loved it! Had to share!
So much has gone on in the last 24 hours, it is funny how that can happen in just 1 day. I worked my second job yesterday so I was not able to blog and by the time I got home it was 2 in the morning.
Work was good, a bit boring but got to hangout with my sister and that is always great. I never would have said that 10 years ago, well even less than that but since my son was born he somehow changed my relationship with everyone in my life. He so is my families miracle baby.
Had a really good morning no b/p although I did do the lax. Its sucha damn shame that my good streak only lasted until 12:30, ran out for the nasty local b and p. It hurt my chest actually hurt so bad, constant sharp pains. not to sure what that was from but I was bit worried.
So I knew for probably the last week that I was going to be seeing F this week and finally I agreed to see him last night. All day he was actually getting on my nerves, he was texting me all night about where and what I wanted to do for dinner and shit the last thing I wanted to do was make that decision. JUST PICK ALREADY WOULD YA!
So I got off work headed home and started getting ready, it was horrible. I really look like shit lately, nothing fits me and my face looks just plain ugly, I have some many cute going out to dinner clothes and none of them even looked remotely good. My hair feels like straw and all I want to do it cut it all off. Right now it is about down to the middle of my back and I wish it was to the bottom of my ears but I'm sure I would look even worse with it like that. At least now I can hide behind it a bit.
Anyways finally just decided on jeans, heels, and a top that somewhat made me look like I still had boobs.haha
So got to his house and when he came to the door I was pretty nervous because I did not know if I was going to want to run the other way when I saw his face, but to my surprise it was just the opposite. We hugged and started to walk out to my car when all of the sudden he handed me a bag and said here this is a little gift for you, he said I thought you could use it after all that you have been threw with moving in the last week. Well we get in my car and I open it and to my great surprise it was a gift certificate to a day at a Spa. Massage, facial, mani pedi, the whole deal.. Is that the sweetest thing or what? I wanted to cry because he really has no idea how wonderful that would be right now! To bad that my head went right into ugh now when I get a massage some one is going to be able to see my body. Why can't I just enjoy the moment.
SO we got to this awesome place for dinner called "Sushi Groove" which is the coolest sushi place I have ever been to, really dark, super trendy, a DJ spinning, and fun people all over! It was packed. Thank god for reservations.
I so needed a drink by this time and was feeling the whole beer thing so I ordered a huge Sopora or however you spell it and drank it way to fast. Anyways we had awesome conversation and I really took the step and opened up to him about a lot I mean A LOT! He is so about wanting to be there for me, I told him all I would be doing is being an added problem on him and his great life and he just wants me, problems and all. How is that! I sure will never know!
So anyways dinner came and my god it was so yummy!! I took it easy and did not eat too much but I did eat. The only thing was, was that I had so much anxiety about getting up and going to the bathroom. I talked to him about how I was feeling and he just listened, no advice but to just keep talking to him. Guess what I FUCKING did it! I even went to the bathroom when we left to actually pee nothing else! I sure as hell wanted to but I didn't.
SO we got to his house and all I wanted to do was to leave and go p but he asked me to come inside so I did! I laid down on his bed and I think due to the beer I completely passed out. Next thing I knew it was 2 in the am and he was waking me up to tell me! When I sat up I had a bit of a freak out but manage to work threw it. I managed to tell myself that by that time the food had already been digested and I just had to deal with it. I even managed not to take any laxatives.
I feel really mixed about the whole thing! Part of me feels freaking disgusting and the other part of me is happy because I know my body needed it!
I think the guilt got the best of me though because first thing this am I went right back to the same ole thing!!! And how many Lax later!!!!!
Here are a few quotes that F sent to me that I loved!! He sends me one every day!
This is a saying....
Love yourself as you are. You are often enough aware of your faults and problems. They need not be dwelt upon. Instead give yourself credit for your list of positive qualities and accomplishments. Move forward with a positive intention
I think this is the daily struggle for every person in this world.
The quote now:
"When your playing with your children, love just happens." Louise Hart
That one is for you FF!
This is the most honest and true quote I have ever read.
Well I know I have a lot to deal with and work with but I think Im going to try to cut myself a little bit of slack this afternoon! Im gonna try to at least!
said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank
martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End (Thought you would appreciate it PTC)!
My sister e-mailed this to me this morning and I loved it! Had to share!
So much has gone on in the last 24 hours, it is funny how that can happen in just 1 day. I worked my second job yesterday so I was not able to blog and by the time I got home it was 2 in the morning.
Work was good, a bit boring but got to hangout with my sister and that is always great. I never would have said that 10 years ago, well even less than that but since my son was born he somehow changed my relationship with everyone in my life. He so is my families miracle baby.
Had a really good morning no b/p although I did do the lax. Its sucha damn shame that my good streak only lasted until 12:30, ran out for the nasty local b and p. It hurt my chest actually hurt so bad, constant sharp pains. not to sure what that was from but I was bit worried.
So I knew for probably the last week that I was going to be seeing F this week and finally I agreed to see him last night. All day he was actually getting on my nerves, he was texting me all night about where and what I wanted to do for dinner and shit the last thing I wanted to do was make that decision. JUST PICK ALREADY WOULD YA!
So I got off work headed home and started getting ready, it was horrible. I really look like shit lately, nothing fits me and my face looks just plain ugly, I have some many cute going out to dinner clothes and none of them even looked remotely good. My hair feels like straw and all I want to do it cut it all off. Right now it is about down to the middle of my back and I wish it was to the bottom of my ears but I'm sure I would look even worse with it like that. At least now I can hide behind it a bit.
Anyways finally just decided on jeans, heels, and a top that somewhat made me look like I still had boobs.haha
So got to his house and when he came to the door I was pretty nervous because I did not know if I was going to want to run the other way when I saw his face, but to my surprise it was just the opposite. We hugged and started to walk out to my car when all of the sudden he handed me a bag and said here this is a little gift for you, he said I thought you could use it after all that you have been threw with moving in the last week. Well we get in my car and I open it and to my great surprise it was a gift certificate to a day at a Spa. Massage, facial, mani pedi, the whole deal.. Is that the sweetest thing or what? I wanted to cry because he really has no idea how wonderful that would be right now! To bad that my head went right into ugh now when I get a massage some one is going to be able to see my body. Why can't I just enjoy the moment.
SO we got to this awesome place for dinner called "Sushi Groove" which is the coolest sushi place I have ever been to, really dark, super trendy, a DJ spinning, and fun people all over! It was packed. Thank god for reservations.
I so needed a drink by this time and was feeling the whole beer thing so I ordered a huge Sopora or however you spell it and drank it way to fast. Anyways we had awesome conversation and I really took the step and opened up to him about a lot I mean A LOT! He is so about wanting to be there for me, I told him all I would be doing is being an added problem on him and his great life and he just wants me, problems and all. How is that! I sure will never know!
So anyways dinner came and my god it was so yummy!! I took it easy and did not eat too much but I did eat. The only thing was, was that I had so much anxiety about getting up and going to the bathroom. I talked to him about how I was feeling and he just listened, no advice but to just keep talking to him. Guess what I FUCKING did it! I even went to the bathroom when we left to actually pee nothing else! I sure as hell wanted to but I didn't.
SO we got to his house and all I wanted to do was to leave and go p but he asked me to come inside so I did! I laid down on his bed and I think due to the beer I completely passed out. Next thing I knew it was 2 in the am and he was waking me up to tell me! When I sat up I had a bit of a freak out but manage to work threw it. I managed to tell myself that by that time the food had already been digested and I just had to deal with it. I even managed not to take any laxatives.
I feel really mixed about the whole thing! Part of me feels freaking disgusting and the other part of me is happy because I know my body needed it!
I think the guilt got the best of me though because first thing this am I went right back to the same ole thing!!! And how many Lax later!!!!!
Here are a few quotes that F sent to me that I loved!! He sends me one every day!
This is a saying....
Love yourself as you are. You are often enough aware of your faults and problems. They need not be dwelt upon. Instead give yourself credit for your list of positive qualities and accomplishments. Move forward with a positive intention
I think this is the daily struggle for every person in this world.
The quote now:
"When your playing with your children, love just happens." Louise Hart
That one is for you FF!
This is the most honest and true quote I have ever read.
Well I know I have a lot to deal with and work with but I think Im going to try to cut myself a little bit of slack this afternoon! Im gonna try to at least!
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Did I really just admit that? ERRR
Dreams.............. They are by far the oddest thing. I love them most of the time but last nights was way to weird for me. There I was sitting at this amazing restaurant with F the completely overwhelming man that told me he was so in love with me just after a couple of weeks, anyways there we were having this meal when he all of the sudden pulled out the most beautiful diamond ring that I have ever seen. He gave this incredible little spiel and asked me to marry him. WTF I said YES. Funniest part was that after he asked all I remember was looking at the ring over and over loving how huge it was. Bitch!! Is that terrible and what in the hell can this dream mean? DO I keep fighting off the nicest and most amazing man I have ever met because he is completely overwhelming? Or do I allow something to happen? I don't know,,,,,,,, all I know is that I'm totally confused. My dad told me that I need to back off and stop being the man all the time. He said that he raised me to be too independent and that sometimes I need to allow someone to take care of me. I don't think I can do that though because all that brings me back to the same feeling I felt when I would be in the hospital and all of my rights as a human being were taken away. I hate depending on others. I'm strong I can do it all by myself or can I? He is the only man I have told anything thing to about my health and what I told him was so very little. He told me that he would be there for me no matter what! Treatment or whatever! Why on earth would someone offer that? Has he completely lost his freaking mind?
I beginning to wonder if reading some of the blogs that I have been reading have been giving me ideas on b/p. Not that I need them, but food ideas! Different purge items. Easier things, things that I never even ate nor wanted to really! Is that sick or what? Gawd I sure have a lot of questions in this post. I hope and pray that my post are not doing that to someone. Maybe that is why it is better not to write about certain kinds of food. Whatever Lauren.... I need to take responsibility for my own actions and I think that saying that was just trying to put it off onto others. SORRY!
So last night went really great with my little man. I did not yell once and guess what it was 10x more effective in getting things across to him. We did do the naughty stool a few times but it felt so good to be back in the swing of being a good mom. I think I just need to be persistent in my parenting which I tend to not do because sometimes it is easier to just give in and give him what he wants instead of hearing the temper tantrum. Being a single mom is so much more difficult that I ever thought. Not that this is the way it was supposed to be because it so was not. Little C was 100% planned. He is the best gift I could have ever imagined even if he does draw on my couches which by the way I have tried everything no luck so far! Anyways what I was getting at originally was that I tend to be lazy I guess at times. I hate seeing him cry even if he does get over on me!
He has slept in his new bed 2 nights in a row now although last night he came into my room to snuggle which I have to admit was so nice because I have missed having him with me. Although it is nice to spread out too. I sent his father a few pictures of him the other day by email, not sure what I was expecting in return maybe a thank you but hell no... no reply at all figures! The last time he saw little C was in June for Fathers Day. Ha whatever "ironic don't ya think"! He did send me a text on Christmas and called on Thanksgiving but only because he had been arrested the night before and was feeling guilty. He said that the ball was rolling and that he loves C and would be making an effort to change!! LIER!!! He cannot even get a job, so I guess you can see by that, that he is in the hole almost 10,000 dollars in child support! Lucky me! To bad I will never see a penny of that!
Ok so I am starting to feel really bad about something that has been going on with me for a really long time however I have not admitted it in any post yet because I'm so embarrassed about it! Not sure why because many ed people do it but it is so horrible to admit. Well here goes.....Errr I don't even want to type it!!!! Well what do I have to lose? I abuse laxatives. There I said it!! Way to many actually, and I have for a very very long time. I seem to be staying at the same amount on a daily basis which is ok I guess well maybe not ok but better than having the number go up! I swear though it would be a hell of a lot cheaper If I started smoking that's for sure. I get the worst sleep at night because my sorry self is in the bathroom more than I'm in bed! Maybe that is the reason for these terrible bags and circles around my eyes!
Pathetic simply put I'm pathetic!
I want to stop really I do but I'm way to scared to even try because all that means to me is weight gain and all I think about when I think weight gain is summer. God I'm lame! Every thing I put into my mouth I swear I will keep down however it rarely happens! Although last night I started to get scared and went and had a few bites of something and MADE myself go to bed. I was feeling like complete shit and new my body needed SOMETHING.... ANYTHING!! Today has been ok I guess only 1 episode which is not as bad as the last few days. Don't really have time today so what happens in return is I fail to eat at all!
Ok I'm done for today I hate what I wrote, makes me so sad to think C has these genetics! God I hope he stays healthy!
I beginning to wonder if reading some of the blogs that I have been reading have been giving me ideas on b/p. Not that I need them, but food ideas! Different purge items. Easier things, things that I never even ate nor wanted to really! Is that sick or what? Gawd I sure have a lot of questions in this post. I hope and pray that my post are not doing that to someone. Maybe that is why it is better not to write about certain kinds of food. Whatever Lauren.... I need to take responsibility for my own actions and I think that saying that was just trying to put it off onto others. SORRY!
So last night went really great with my little man. I did not yell once and guess what it was 10x more effective in getting things across to him. We did do the naughty stool a few times but it felt so good to be back in the swing of being a good mom. I think I just need to be persistent in my parenting which I tend to not do because sometimes it is easier to just give in and give him what he wants instead of hearing the temper tantrum. Being a single mom is so much more difficult that I ever thought. Not that this is the way it was supposed to be because it so was not. Little C was 100% planned. He is the best gift I could have ever imagined even if he does draw on my couches which by the way I have tried everything no luck so far! Anyways what I was getting at originally was that I tend to be lazy I guess at times. I hate seeing him cry even if he does get over on me!
He has slept in his new bed 2 nights in a row now although last night he came into my room to snuggle which I have to admit was so nice because I have missed having him with me. Although it is nice to spread out too. I sent his father a few pictures of him the other day by email, not sure what I was expecting in return maybe a thank you but hell no... no reply at all figures! The last time he saw little C was in June for Fathers Day. Ha whatever "ironic don't ya think"! He did send me a text on Christmas and called on Thanksgiving but only because he had been arrested the night before and was feeling guilty. He said that the ball was rolling and that he loves C and would be making an effort to change!! LIER!!! He cannot even get a job, so I guess you can see by that, that he is in the hole almost 10,000 dollars in child support! Lucky me! To bad I will never see a penny of that!
Ok so I am starting to feel really bad about something that has been going on with me for a really long time however I have not admitted it in any post yet because I'm so embarrassed about it! Not sure why because many ed people do it but it is so horrible to admit. Well here goes.....Errr I don't even want to type it!!!! Well what do I have to lose? I abuse laxatives. There I said it!! Way to many actually, and I have for a very very long time. I seem to be staying at the same amount on a daily basis which is ok I guess well maybe not ok but better than having the number go up! I swear though it would be a hell of a lot cheaper If I started smoking that's for sure. I get the worst sleep at night because my sorry self is in the bathroom more than I'm in bed! Maybe that is the reason for these terrible bags and circles around my eyes!
Pathetic simply put I'm pathetic!
I want to stop really I do but I'm way to scared to even try because all that means to me is weight gain and all I think about when I think weight gain is summer. God I'm lame! Every thing I put into my mouth I swear I will keep down however it rarely happens! Although last night I started to get scared and went and had a few bites of something and MADE myself go to bed. I was feeling like complete shit and new my body needed SOMETHING.... ANYTHING!! Today has been ok I guess only 1 episode which is not as bad as the last few days. Don't really have time today so what happens in return is I fail to eat at all!
Ok I'm done for today I hate what I wrote, makes me so sad to think C has these genetics! God I hope he stays healthy!
Monday, March 5, 2007
Ink on my leather couch "Are you kidding me"!
SO I just looked and the mirror because the side of my mouth was kind of sore and realized that it is cut! I was really not surprised considering the way this weekend went for me. Friday evening was ok I ended up going to a candle party at my gf's house. We had a really nice time and drank a few to many mimosas. It was nice though I miss girl talk with my oldest friend. I opened to her a bit about what had been going on with me. Not to much but it is pretty obvious that something is up because of my weight! She has gone through all of this before with me and if anyone will listen and not judge it is her. I love you S! I know she does not even know this blog is even happening but I just felt it!
I went back to my moms house to hang with C and my mom later that night and that was really nice. My mom is missing my little man so much! She is going crazy not having him there with her all the time!
Saturday was hard I finished moving all of my stuff and finally got settled which was sooooooo nice. I brought little C to the house and he was ok but man that sure did not last long. He has been so outta control lately and I know that it is mainly because he is not feeling settled but my god what is a single mom to do? He is being so rough with me hitting, not listening to anything I say and actually got a pen and drew all over my new leather couches. AHHHHHHHHH I wanted to cry! I feel like I have been yelling at him a lot to and that is so not me. I am not that kind of a mom, but it has been happening quite a bit and I feel like complete shit about it. I vowed today that there was not going to be anymore yelling. I'm gonna do everything in my power to hold onto and fulfill that.
Any good suggestions to the ink out of leather issue???????
Food wise on Saturday well lets just say I tried. Not hard enough I guess but I did try! Yesterday however was a completely different story! I swear I think I need to get out on the weekends more because all I seem to do is b/p when I'm home!
It must have happened 5 or 6 times, much more than normal and that scares the shit out of me! I was losing it and sometimes I feel like I am losing.
Although I did get on the scale to see that I had lost another 1.5lbs which is ok with me! a few more wont hurt!
Although my body does ache pretty bad today from moving all of those boxes! Well good thing is that it is done for now!
Man for some reason I'm really missing my dad today! He went to Vegas for like 5 days. I don't even see him very often but I'm missing him tons today!
Work is ok, busy for the most part which is good although it has not kept me off the scale or out of the bathroom! Why do I do this? I have to say though in some strange way it helps with the guilt to be able to write this stuff down. Oh ya one other small confession, I took a couple hits of of a cig last night for the first time in over 3 years. Good thing was that it tasted like complete shit and made me feel so lightheaded so I guess it is a good thing that I got that out of the way! No more urge I hope!
Did not end-up going on that date on Saturday with the hottie E. My little man has asthma and it started to act up so I canceled it and hung out with him which was nice no matter how naughty he was being! Gonna see him on Thursday. I think I'm gonna cook which should be quite interesting considering all I know how to make is boxed mac and cheese, rice cakes with cottage cheese and pancakes. What to do what to do!
I went back to my moms house to hang with C and my mom later that night and that was really nice. My mom is missing my little man so much! She is going crazy not having him there with her all the time!
Saturday was hard I finished moving all of my stuff and finally got settled which was sooooooo nice. I brought little C to the house and he was ok but man that sure did not last long. He has been so outta control lately and I know that it is mainly because he is not feeling settled but my god what is a single mom to do? He is being so rough with me hitting, not listening to anything I say and actually got a pen and drew all over my new leather couches. AHHHHHHHHH I wanted to cry! I feel like I have been yelling at him a lot to and that is so not me. I am not that kind of a mom, but it has been happening quite a bit and I feel like complete shit about it. I vowed today that there was not going to be anymore yelling. I'm gonna do everything in my power to hold onto and fulfill that.
Any good suggestions to the ink out of leather issue???????
Food wise on Saturday well lets just say I tried. Not hard enough I guess but I did try! Yesterday however was a completely different story! I swear I think I need to get out on the weekends more because all I seem to do is b/p when I'm home!
It must have happened 5 or 6 times, much more than normal and that scares the shit out of me! I was losing it and sometimes I feel like I am losing.
Although I did get on the scale to see that I had lost another 1.5lbs which is ok with me! a few more wont hurt!
Although my body does ache pretty bad today from moving all of those boxes! Well good thing is that it is done for now!
Man for some reason I'm really missing my dad today! He went to Vegas for like 5 days. I don't even see him very often but I'm missing him tons today!
Work is ok, busy for the most part which is good although it has not kept me off the scale or out of the bathroom! Why do I do this? I have to say though in some strange way it helps with the guilt to be able to write this stuff down. Oh ya one other small confession, I took a couple hits of of a cig last night for the first time in over 3 years. Good thing was that it tasted like complete shit and made me feel so lightheaded so I guess it is a good thing that I got that out of the way! No more urge I hope!
Did not end-up going on that date on Saturday with the hottie E. My little man has asthma and it started to act up so I canceled it and hung out with him which was nice no matter how naughty he was being! Gonna see him on Thursday. I think I'm gonna cook which should be quite interesting considering all I know how to make is boxed mac and cheese, rice cakes with cottage cheese and pancakes. What to do what to do!
Friday, March 2, 2007
TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I am beginning to see why family and friends of people with ed's get so frustrated and feel like they want to yell and scream. Why do we as humans do this to the people that we love and cherish? I can remember one of the of the treatment steps that we did when I was in inpatient that was called "Resentment and Regrets", what we had to do was for basically everyone in our lives (well the most important ones) that we felt like we had resentments towards or done things that we regretted we had to talk to that person and ask them if they would participate in the exercise by taking the time to write down both. I did this process with my mom, dad, and my sister. There were a few others I would have loved to have done it with but time did not permit. Anyways in doing this exercise, part of it was done in our group therapy. During this particular treatment I was at Presby Hospital in Dallas TX, so since I'm from California my family had to fly out to do this with me. We had to sit in two chairs in the middle of our family group session and read to each other all of our resentments and regrets. This was seriously by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Not only reading all of my issues but also hearing what I had done to hurt all of these people in my life that I love more than anything. It made me open my eyes at that time. Then what happens other than me being right back at the place I started. How in the hell does that happen?
Whatever I don't know what to say to this person.....I just wish they would get some Fucking help. I hate this place.
This morning has been a bit crazy, I stayed at my new place last night "by myself" and it was wonderful.....I have not slept all night without meds in months and months! However in waking up the first thing I did was to realize that I was alone and I took that as such a great opportunity to b/p. Which of course I did. Not a good start to this beautiful sunny Friday.
Ok so about the date.... Well we met at our usual Starbucks in town, for some reason after a year I still have an issue with him picking me up. He lives in San Francisco so I guess it just works better this way. SO I got out of my Jeep and walked over to his car, he looked amazing errrrrrrrrr so frustrating. I actually felt OK not great but ok.
We decided to have dinner in my town for the first time. We went to this awesome place called the Union Hotel. We went in and had a drink and an amazing dinner, we were in the middle of an amazing conversation when all of the sudden there was a freaking EARTHQUAKE. Can you believe that? I wanted to cry. It was only a 4.2 but I sure felt the hell out of it! I have not felt one even though there has been quite a few since 1989...One of the big one's.
I HATE them there is nothing else that scares me the way that earthquakes do. The first thing I did was I called my dad to check on them and Little C. Thankfully they did not even feel it!
So dinner went on I even had a few bites of dessert. Crazy I know! Although we both know that I made my way to the bathroom before we left!! Always carry a toothbrush!
When we decided to leave we went outside and were walking to the car and looked at the car and saw that this huge I mean HUGH tree (like 100 years old) had fallen basically on the bumper of his car.. Small dent but if the damn thing had fallen 2 inches over it would have been completely on top of the car. This tree completely blocked of the entire road.....hahaha sucks Can you believe that!
Anyways he drove me back to my car and said that he wanted to see me again on Sat. Will see about that one! He gave me some of the sweetest kisses ever. I don't think I have ever kissed someone who is a gentle as he is. Then I went home! All in all a really nice date!
Stepped on the scale a few minutes ago and thought I had gained but to my surprise I had actually dropped another lb. felt good although I know I will be on there every time I have even a sip something to make sure nothing changes...
Whatever I don't know what to say to this person.....I just wish they would get some Fucking help. I hate this place.
This morning has been a bit crazy, I stayed at my new place last night "by myself" and it was wonderful.....I have not slept all night without meds in months and months! However in waking up the first thing I did was to realize that I was alone and I took that as such a great opportunity to b/p. Which of course I did. Not a good start to this beautiful sunny Friday.
Ok so about the date.... Well we met at our usual Starbucks in town, for some reason after a year I still have an issue with him picking me up. He lives in San Francisco so I guess it just works better this way. SO I got out of my Jeep and walked over to his car, he looked amazing errrrrrrrrr so frustrating. I actually felt OK not great but ok.
We decided to have dinner in my town for the first time. We went to this awesome place called the Union Hotel. We went in and had a drink and an amazing dinner, we were in the middle of an amazing conversation when all of the sudden there was a freaking EARTHQUAKE. Can you believe that? I wanted to cry. It was only a 4.2 but I sure felt the hell out of it! I have not felt one even though there has been quite a few since 1989...One of the big one's.
I HATE them there is nothing else that scares me the way that earthquakes do. The first thing I did was I called my dad to check on them and Little C. Thankfully they did not even feel it!
So dinner went on I even had a few bites of dessert. Crazy I know! Although we both know that I made my way to the bathroom before we left!! Always carry a toothbrush!
When we decided to leave we went outside and were walking to the car and looked at the car and saw that this huge I mean HUGH tree (like 100 years old) had fallen basically on the bumper of his car.. Small dent but if the damn thing had fallen 2 inches over it would have been completely on top of the car. This tree completely blocked of the entire road.....hahaha sucks Can you believe that!
Anyways he drove me back to my car and said that he wanted to see me again on Sat. Will see about that one! He gave me some of the sweetest kisses ever. I don't think I have ever kissed someone who is a gentle as he is. Then I went home! All in all a really nice date!
Stepped on the scale a few minutes ago and thought I had gained but to my surprise I had actually dropped another lb. felt good although I know I will be on there every time I have even a sip something to make sure nothing changes...
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Yesterday.........well not so bad actually only one purge, granted it was a rough one, I'm think my day was not so hard because I was moving all day and had a few sugar free red bulls, I was wired and had no want to eat or stop working.
Went to bed feeling pretty fat though which is usually the norm, even if I do weigh less than I started the day out at. I swear my tummy feels and looks like it stretches out through the day..YUCK!!!! I hate what happens in my head. Will that damn voice just shut-up already.
I'm missing my little man so much today, my step mom has him for the day on Thursdays and will keep him threw tomorrow since I have this date thing tonight. Not really looking forward to it even though this person and I have been playing games with the whole relationship thing for the last year... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT!!! Whatever if I feel this much like shit why do I even bother. Anyways back to my little man..I got his room all set up, so freaking cute! Got him the set up at pottery barn for kids it is the surf board theme, so damn cute. He has yet to see it but I hope he loves it, he is only 2 1/2 so not sure he will even pay any attention, but that is ok as long as he feels at home in our new home together! My mom and I were watching him while he was sleeping last night, it was so precious, 1 arm was behind his head, 1 foot was sticking out with no sock on (cutest feet ever by the way) and his mouth was wide open. He is BEAUTIFUL!!
Today I'm feeling a bit all over the place. But whats new, all of my blogs seem to be that way. I start at one spot and end somewhere completely different. I guess I type what pops into my head.
Sitting here at work listening to snow patrol and thinking about one blogger that for some reason will not get out of my head. I'm so scared for them and I hate it when no matter what you say to someone they refuse to listen. So funny that I think I can give my two cents, god knows I should just keep my mouth shut and practice what I preach. But where would the drama be in that. Hey anyone out there have any idea of what to do about this whole dark circle under my eyes issue!! It is so ugly!! I almost hate looking in the mirror. Why is it that in almost every mirror I look into I see something completely different? I hate those fat mirrors that no matter what you look like or how you feel that day the fat mirror tells you a different story. Then you get the ones that are awesome and you know are so not real........because there is no way my arms are that skinny. by the way I do have the most ugly and skinniest arms ever!! Only skinny place on my body! Monkey arms. Man this ought to be an interesting date tonight.
Work has been really slow today which is ok I guess just not so into seeing patients when I'm feeling like complete ass.
Ok time for a funny...I just got an email from my sister who said that she was just told by her co worker that she had TP sticking out of her pants....booty side.....hahahahaha how embarrassing is that...
Gawd I love her!
Ok time for my charting, ugh Im tired!
Wish me luck!
Went to bed feeling pretty fat though which is usually the norm, even if I do weigh less than I started the day out at. I swear my tummy feels and looks like it stretches out through the day..YUCK!!!! I hate what happens in my head. Will that damn voice just shut-up already.
I'm missing my little man so much today, my step mom has him for the day on Thursdays and will keep him threw tomorrow since I have this date thing tonight. Not really looking forward to it even though this person and I have been playing games with the whole relationship thing for the last year... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT!!! Whatever if I feel this much like shit why do I even bother. Anyways back to my little man..I got his room all set up, so freaking cute! Got him the set up at pottery barn for kids it is the surf board theme, so damn cute. He has yet to see it but I hope he loves it, he is only 2 1/2 so not sure he will even pay any attention, but that is ok as long as he feels at home in our new home together! My mom and I were watching him while he was sleeping last night, it was so precious, 1 arm was behind his head, 1 foot was sticking out with no sock on (cutest feet ever by the way) and his mouth was wide open. He is BEAUTIFUL!!
Today I'm feeling a bit all over the place. But whats new, all of my blogs seem to be that way. I start at one spot and end somewhere completely different. I guess I type what pops into my head.
Sitting here at work listening to snow patrol and thinking about one blogger that for some reason will not get out of my head. I'm so scared for them and I hate it when no matter what you say to someone they refuse to listen. So funny that I think I can give my two cents, god knows I should just keep my mouth shut and practice what I preach. But where would the drama be in that. Hey anyone out there have any idea of what to do about this whole dark circle under my eyes issue!! It is so ugly!! I almost hate looking in the mirror. Why is it that in almost every mirror I look into I see something completely different? I hate those fat mirrors that no matter what you look like or how you feel that day the fat mirror tells you a different story. Then you get the ones that are awesome and you know are so not real........because there is no way my arms are that skinny. by the way I do have the most ugly and skinniest arms ever!! Only skinny place on my body! Monkey arms. Man this ought to be an interesting date tonight.
Work has been really slow today which is ok I guess just not so into seeing patients when I'm feeling like complete ass.
Ok time for a funny...I just got an email from my sister who said that she was just told by her co worker that she had TP sticking out of her pants....booty side.....hahahahaha how embarrassing is that...
Gawd I love her!
Ok time for my charting, ugh Im tired!
Wish me luck!
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