The VA" hurry up and wait"

Starting one of these is always so difficult for me.
Never know quite where to begin.
Well I had a great time seeing all of my gf's this weekend. They are all such hotties it drives me nuts! I wish I could feel and look the way they do! Makes me so jealous. I would never admit that to them of course because that is all I need is for someone else to know I feel like shit about myself. They are amazing friends and are totally there for me I just wish sometimes we were able to just be 12 years old again sitting in our pj's watching movies! No cares in the world other than our latest crushes! Shoving our faces with the most horrible foods and not giving a second thought to it other than how full we felt after which after saying turned into a faint memory oh so quickly!
haha hey did those days ever really exist?
I had a very hard weekend! I went to pick up little C from my step mom and dads house on Friday and from the get go he started in with me. I think he was mad because he was away from me for a few days. I can't blame him I guess but I do need to learn a few more coping techniques to deal with his anger.
Ok something else I did not admit a few weeks ago when I was stressing really bad with him. It was when I found myself yelling at him (which by the way I am still doing a great job with not doing) that night when I put him to bed and I got into the shower I completely broke down and did something that I have never done before! I started hitting myself in the arms......Why would I do that!
The only reason I could come up with is that it was the only way at that moment in time I knew how to punish myself for being a terrible mom and yelling! I have never done anything like that before in my life and it has been on my mind so much because I don't understand it! My brother was a cutter for a very long time and I'm beginning to wonder if that is how they feel when they do things like that to themselves. God I hope not! I now have these grossly ugly bruised up arms to which I tell people that accidentally see it that I did it moving. Which could be true. Anyways just another stupid moment in my life that I needed to come out!! There I think that is it on the secret life..... haha I'm sure I will come up with more, dammit!
I had a really bad weekend when it came to purging. Happened WAY TO MUCH!!! Over and over and over, I swear I thought I had for sure gained 30 lbs this weekend but when I came in I actually had dropped another lb. I'm getting a little scared though. 94.4 was the number this am and I'm sorry if that is a trigger for any reader but I have no one to tell this to. I called the mental health dept with the VA which if I have not said before I was in the Air Force for 6 years and was actually the first female in the Air force to be put into treatment and fully paid for an eating disorder which is so sad because so many women in the military suffer from ed's. Anyways long story short I was basically kicked out for my ed and now I have disability for life because of it which is good for me I guess but what it means is I have to deal with VA doctors who sometimes tend to suck. What I was getting at was that I called to set up an appt with a psychologist and they told me that since it has been over a year I have to do an orientation all over again!!! ERRRRR Hurry up and wait that is the military saying!
Hopefully I will get in soon and be able to see and talk to someone again! I quit originally because my Dr. told me that if I did not stop the lax abuse my son could be taken away and so I told her to fuck off and walked out never to return to her again!
Smart way to keep a patient lady.........
I am trying even though it may not sound like it.
On Saturday I got a visit from my mom who was amazing to see, god I love her so much it hurts!
She told me that she had admit something to me and that was that her and my sister had been talking about me and that she wanted me to know that my whole family loved me very much and were VERY worried about me. She said that I had lost to much weight and that it is very noticeable. God how does it happen so fast?
I don't want anyone in my family to worry about me! I have done nothing but cause constant stress for my family over and over and I'm sick of putting them in pain. My heart is aching for my little man today....not so sure why but some days it just hits me hard!