Poo

Not in the mood to post today, but wanted to send everyone hugs and wish you all an amazing weekend!!
love you
lauren

Deleted!

Ok it's gone, and I feel like I can breathe a bit more!

Sitting here at work today I'm feeling a bit, I don't know confused maybe. I just had somewhat of a not so great episode, and when it was over I was of course washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and was totally disgusted. I did not even know who I was looking at. I braided my hair last night and it totally looks like a fro and the circle's around my eyes are so dark. I look not good, I look ugly. I hate these "ugly days" they are so difficult, when nothing looks good, hair, face, clothes, nothing. I think I am pms'g sorry I know to much info but I think I am. My tummy hurts and I want to eat something and not feel the urge to purge.
I have to get back on track, I cannot go down this road of constant binge and purging, it is helpful to no one.
I cannot do this shit to little C again. He deserves such a better mom than me. He really does.
I want so much for him and I feel like I am never going to be able to give it to him, emotionally, financially, spiritually, I feel like I am the worst mom ever. I don't want it to be like that.
I want him to have such a full and happy life, full of all the wonderful and exciting things that I never had, the things that I always promised him he would have.
The question here really is how am I going to be able to do it?

I find myself pushing people away and ignoring things I should not and that is what I do when I start to cycle out of control.
STOP HEIDI STOP!

I know it is real when I actually use my "real" name on this page!

I wish I felt sad, maybe that would help me realize what I need to do with these issues more but the truth is I don't I don't feel anything but guilt and that can be blocked by purging, well for the time being.
I think I'm getting bronchitis..........my chest is so tight and I am coughing the worst cough ever!
hack hack hack!!!!!!!

I have been trying for the last few days to figure out what I need to do to get my sons last name dropped off of his birth certificate and it is the biggest pain in the ass to get a hold of anyone in records, I have the paperwork but do not want to send it in until I can ask some questions about it.
A few weeks ago I heard from Sam his sperm donor and he said that he wanted to be in C's life but have not heard from him since, not even on Thanksgiving. Nothing new I guess I should have figured he would do this shit again but I wanted to be open and give him the benefit of the doubt.....my bad. SO 2 days ago I got a hold of his friend and told him to please tell Sam that he blew it for the last time and to NEVER contact me again. I said that until little C is of the age to decide he will have nothing to do with him. I swear he must have been all cracked out to have even gotten a hold of me after 2 years and then go away again!
I don't even feel bad about it. I have decided that I am going to go file for full custody of him. I have never done it before because the guy at the court house told me that if I file I could end up owing him child support if I made more and that he would get some form of custody unless he was living in a box on the street, which as far as I know he basically is, does a van on the street count? I called on my child support the other day and they told me that the case was still open and that he has had a few jobs in the last 2 years but that he quits them before they can take any money out!
FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to just get over it, I mean I don't hate him anymore but I hate that he does not want to clean up his life and even take a chance in knowing my little man!!!!
Who does that???
I ask that question all the time and never get an answer!
Well that's enough for now!!
Is it FRIDAY YET?

Fearful a bit

Feeling a huge need to delete my last couple of posts, due to fear, not from any of you but because I have no idea who really has access to my blog, even though it is private, I am still feeling freaked out!.
SO either today of tomorrow I will delete my posts. I want to get it out there that I am not doing it out of being embarrassed at all (even though I am) it is just out of fear of who is out there that I don't know about!
I did not have little C last night so I went home and slept, well after a really big b/p episode........
I so wanted to make that phone call last night, and actually I did but when I called I made up a stupid question to ask the lady who answered so that I could avoid asking for this person. Seriously I will try today when it gets slow at work!
I think I am swollen this morning, my rings feel really tight and I now do not look like I have lost any weight. I am in a good place as far as my ideal weight because I am totally satisfied with the thought of being at my goal weight (per Dr) I have no interest in being lower than that, I just had to get rid of these extra 10 lbs I gained from my birth control pills! They are the devil I tell ya!
I have had a pretty good morning and am pretty alert and ready to work, my favorite patient is coming in today and I have not seen him since before thanksgiving so I'm excited about that!!! I love my patients!
I wanted to tell you guys out there who have really reached out to me how much I appreciate it. How is it possible to feel closer to people that I have never met than with people I have known my entire life??
That alone says a lot about how amazing you guys are!!!!!
xoxoxoxo

HEEHEE I am smiling!!!!!

I hate been sitting here all day trying to avoid even looking at my blog due to the complete lack of interest to post about ME!
I have been trying to catch up on all of you and in some way that helps me to just ignore the fact that I have no want or need to talk about me.
But like always when I don't want to that is usually when it needs to happen the most.
This little holiday break was so good for me and little C. He ended up spending Wednesday night with my dad which was good because my mom and I had a date night which ended up turning into a huge date, M came out and a few of my moms guy friends. It was weird I had not talked to M at all and then he sent me a text asking me if I was going out and I said yes, he wanted to hang.
I know I know pathetic but yet again I wanted to believe it was "real"!
We all actually had a great time.
I went and got little man on tg morning and went back to my moms where we spent the day. we ended up making home made Christmas cards for the grand parents and aunts and uncles. It was so much fun, paper, glitter, glue, stamps, ribbon, all kinds of stuff and little c loved every minute of it! They turned out AWESOME!!!! God he is amazing.
We ended up having dinner which consisted of king crab, asparagus, salad, and french bread. It was perfect..... Little c had steak!! YUCK!
I was so grateful to be with my mom and little c, I could not have picked a better setting other than if my nana could have been there. TG was her 2 months since passing. It was a hard day due to that, but being able to talk about her and to her was so what both my mom and I needed! God I miss her!!!!!!!!
M ended up coming over (wait you know what.......I'm DONE! I actually no longer want to give him anymore of my precious energy let alone blog space!) YIPPY I'm actually smiling!!!! Ha is that possible? Guess what it may not be but I am!!! First real one concerning him and a LONG time!!!!!!!!

Ok so I just got a phone call from someone and I cannot tell you how happy I am...It was a voicemail but I will be calling back soon! Not ready to say who until we chat but I will fill you in as soon as I know it's ok!

Anyways back to my weekend, little c and I hung out the whole time just him and I and it was such needed mommy and me time!!!!!!!!!
Ugh work just got really busy so this is it for now!!!
Love and best wishes to you all!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving! 2nd post today-damn I'm good!

Little C at his first Thanksgiving,, chunky cheeks and all...... grubbing to his little hearts desire...

I wish that for all of you!!! Be safe and be good to yourself!

<3 Lauren and Little C

Cravings

Woke up this morning, late of course and anxious. Had to drive to my dads to drop off little C for the day and tonight, biggest going out night of the year in my little town and going out with my mom so that should be lots o fun!!! she is the best date ever!!
Anyways back to the anxiety......Left my house and got on the road only to realize I forgot my phone, I suddenly felt sick about it, pathetic how a phone could do that to me, anyways it's not like I'm getting phone calls left and right or anything actually pretty sad lately, I'll be happy when the bill comes at least!
So dropped off little C and got back on the road to work when seriously ALL OF THE SUDDEN I was starving, no no no not just starving but the kind of starving when you feel like you want to vomit all over (sorry) and like you insides are turning inside out, that little creature from alien is working its way around and you want to yell at everyone to get the hell out of your way so you can make it to the drive thru without any accidents,,,, yeah well that was nothing compared to what I felt.
I knew that even though I was so hungry it was going to be a situation where either I deal with the pain or I have an episode......Lately I have no control or I feel that way at least, funny because when I engage that is usually the only time I feel in control, but needless to say I lost this particular battle. My urges have not been so strong since before my last treatment, I think I am just feeling so much anxiety about thanksgiving and the fact that tomorrow is 2 months since my nana passed away and I'm really having a difficult time with that!
My M issues have lifted a bit which feels pretty good, however this feeling of being desperate to call which is what I AM dealing with is the crazy hard part. I have stayed strong since last week so that feels both good and bad, how can you miss someones voice soooooo much?

SO I have been trying to think of a fun art project to do with little C tomorrow and having a hard time coming up with one, I'm no good at that kind of stuff.....Beth had the great idea so props to you babe! Any suggestions I would love to hear!!!

Well I won't most likely be posting for a while, I know things will be crazy this week and weekend, AM I READY???? Not sure all I can to is try, try ,try to do my best. Not going to punish myself for today just going to move forward from it!!! Best idea I think.

Are you kidding me

OMG I cannot get this horrible feeling of guilt out of my stomach!!!! UGH where is it coming from???? Help............................. Please..............................

Who's to say anyone deserves anything?

I forget sometimes how lucky I really am. I hate that about myself but at least I can realize it at this very moment even if it is a passing one.

DG- Oh man sweetie, I received you package last night when I got home and I cannot tell you how it came at the most perfect time. I had been planning a huge B/P episode and then I opened it.
dg sent me "The Real Me being the girl god sees" by Natalie Grant, as well as her cd, which I need to add right now I LOVE!!!!!!
I started the book as soon as I put my little man to bed last night and I cannot tell you how fast I am going thru it which is so rare for me because I tend to get bored with books quite easily, there are a select few though that I have loved. (thanks Rob and Joe also)!!
This book is awesome, I can really see why it did make an impact on you.
DG thank you so much for taking the time to think about me and sending me that, I'm so grateful to have you in my life you have no idea.
This little blog world of mine is exactly that "mine" the one thing in my life that NO ONE can take away from me, ON ONE can invade unless I allow them to, NO ONE can effect me unless I allow them to, the one place in my life where I never feel judged or taken for granted of. I love all of you!!

So today I am in sort of a weird place that I am having a hard time understanding. Although I was able to refrain from having an episode at that moment last night it did not last the entire night. I was not even hungry at all and I went out and got food. Then this am I engaged again. I SO COMPLETELY understand where Sarah is coming from in her post today when she was talking about the roller coaster. This cycle I am so afraid one day is going to kill me. Not because of being to thin because god know right now I am no where near thin but because of my heart or a stroke or something like that. Yesterday I went on to somethingfishy and my morbid self went under the link to see all the people who have passed away from this fucking horrible disease (you know where you can light a candle) well I was reading what people had written and for the first time it scared me, maybe that is good but at the same time I feel like today I am in that "I just don't give a damn" place where I'm ok with engaging actually I'm enjoying it. SICK I KNOW.
Yesterday I was having a really hard time with wanting to call or massage M and I refrained however guess who sent me a message....I was pretty cold with him and basically told him I was not interested in chatting well in a round about way but I held onto the fact that he fucking hurt me and I don't want to allow that anymore.
I just want to heal.
I was thinking this am about what it was like the first time I got out of treatment and I remembered that I went almost 4 years without purging, how is that possible I think to myself now! I remember that I was completely disgusted with all of it and wanted nothing to do with it anymore and now I look at it and I cannot imagine my life completely empty from it.
It just feels so easy to engage and not focus.

Will I ever Heal!

To heal, what does that even mean to me?

Something to think about I guess.

I want to love myself and feel like I deserve to be happy, in the front of my mind I do believe that I deserve that and then I remember how many people I have hurt not only recently with A but people in my past.

To much to think about on the Tuesday before thanksgiving...................................

Thank you again so much dg!!!!
Love to all of you!

Nothing but Confused

How do you get over that horrible urge to get ahold of someone you know you shouldn't?
That is my question for today! Confused!!

Seems like it is one of those questions like "Why can't I stop binging and purging"?

No answer simply time, right?

Fuck time, I'm sick and tired of that being the answer, one day at a time Lauren, one step at a time, in time you will feel better, take time for yourself.....Are you kidding me?

Time does nothing except make me deal with all of these issues longer than I want to. It extends the healing process, and the hurting painful feeling all of the voices going off inside and worst of all the b/p'ng.

I would like to say it was a productive weekend, and to a point it was but it also was difficult. I have not talked to M since last Thursday and it was all fine until this am, for some reason this am it has been really hard. I just want to email or text him so I can say hi and that I hope he had a great weekend with his daughter,,,, but I know that will do nothing but make me look pathetic and I refuse to let him see that I have feelings about this. He does not deserve that.

Ugh I just need someone to take his place.......
Went out with my gf on Friday and had a great time, it was a bit weird because my brother his gf and another girl lets just call her L, anyways we were having a great time, and L started totally hitting on me, not that I have not dealt with this issue before because I have but this time it felt weird, part of me was totally turned off and a bit annoyed, but the other part of me wanted nothing more but to be open to the idea of it, I felt like everything I talked to her about that night she heard and really cared about but not in a friend way in a I guess you could say a partner way. I have been in situations with women before in my life (sorry this is so personal) but not in many many years, and basically just doing the experimentation thing but this felt a bit scary and unfamiliar. So needless to say I turned away like I always do and ran to the hottest guy in the bar, so I could flirt and simply not care about anything that was going on in my head. This guy will call him J haha total hottie and totally only 24 which always seems to happen, anyways drunk me never fails to give out my number and now he will not stop calling, he called as soon as we left the bar, shit what ever happened to the 3 day rule haha not really I hate that rule! But now I have to be a big wimp and ignore him which seems mean or I have to be honest which seem just like to much to deal with right now!!!

God is it really almost Thanksgiving???? UGH so not looking forward to it....Depressing one this year. I feel like this is the only Holiday I am not good at when it comes to Little C. Oh well I guess if that's the worst thing I have lots to be grateful for!!!!

I will do my list later this week

Not sure where I was going with this post, random......ugh I'm sick of that word!

I miss my nana!!!

Strong when I'm engaging how is that possible?

Ok enough with the horoscope crap, Beth is right it is a waste!



So today has been a pretty good day feeling wise, I feel really strong actually, which is somewhat odd because I had had a terrible last 2 days with purging. We had our open house last night at work and my gross self seriously b/p'd like 4 times, all that party food, ugh I did not know what to do. Then came into work today and did it again.

What is going on Lauren?



I think I know if I turn all of the stuff in my head into wanting to b/p I start to remember how strong I feel when I engage and that I can focus on that and not the "real" issues that have built up.

It's weird though I have felt myself smile alot today, some good emails that "always" make me smile, some great comments from the cul-de-sac I love knowing your here! And two really big smiles, one for ae your awesome and your work is so freaking powerful and inspiring to us! and one for something that just happened at work....
So if you don't know I work in a Training Center for Home Dialysis, meaning we have patients come in to train on home machines so that they do not have to go to in-centers 3 times a week, and then feel like shit the days they don't have dialysis, it's an amazing place, I know I have spoke of it before, little things about my favorite patients and when I lose a patient, well about 3 months ago we started training a man who had never done dialysis before and about a month into his treatment I was at work with my boss and there was a mishap when the patient had accidentally taken off to much fluid, well when this happened the patient totally started to have seizures, his B/P completely dropped and he started to vomit and choke on it, it was so scary and we so almost lost him. Well moving on he is married to an amazing woman and they came in for their monthly appt to see their Dr. and his wife got here first, she was all excited and came into my office and said that she had just found out that she was a perfect match for her husband, kidney transplant match that is!! When her husband (the patient) got here I took him back and while we were all back in the room with him she told him,,,,it was such an emotional moment, I lost it completely had to leave the room, they both cried and my god what a crazy world we live in when you can look at your husband and tell them that you can possibly put them out of this living nightmare by giving them one of your organs, let me save your life she said!....Fuck...SO fucking awesome!
Going out with my gf tonight, lots to drink and lots of singing I hope!!! I need a mind eraser please!
Well I'm thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but a wonderful weekend, Love you
Lauren

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Astrolis.com: Libra (November 15th, 2007)
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is yours. There are some things you just cannot change, no matter how hard you try. It is time to admit this to yourself and move on. ...


SERIOUSLY: WHY DO I KEEP READING THIS CRAP?


Ok so tired of thinking about M and tired of talking about him too..

Rough night, but I'm here today, here to not give up on myself and continue to keep fighting this damn war in my head~

I swear these horoscopes are freaking me out!

The sooner you let go of any rancour or animosity, the better. Of course we all have people who annoy us. Even if we love someone, they can drive us half way around their bend with their constant carry on, their mad ideas, inane comments and general Just Being-ness. Often they're the people we love most. However, being mad with them for too long at any one time is just silly. You know and I know that life is too short! So prepare you heart - you're about to make peace with someone.
Seriously this horoscope could not me more true today!!!!!!! I just heard from my sons father, wtf??? It was so weird, I wanted to get sick so badly but I held onto the feeling and worked thru it. I thought I was going to be so pissed but the more we text back and forth I found myself not hating him at all, but actually wanting him to get his shit together and be the dad that he is supposed to be to little c. He told me that he wanted to reconnect but on my terms, and I told him that I would never take little c from him but that my terms meant CLEAN AND SOBER!!! He said he wanted the same, I sent him some pictures and told him he could call whenever he wanted.
How can you dislike someones actions and feel so sorry for them at the same time. I hope he actually makes an effort to see little c, but will see what happens, I told him that if is not going to continue a relationship with C then not to come around because I will never let him make C feel like he is not wanted by his dad!
Anyways I'm doing ok, I think it was good to hear from Sam today because it sortof took my mind off M which is so what I needed!!! Maybe god does really work in mysterious ways!! I also got an email from the Rector at the church I started going to, she wants to go have lunch with me, how cool is that!!!!

Open your eyes Lauren it's a brand new day!!!

Time to deal.........................
Ok so for starters I sent a text to M last night telling him I made a mistake the night before in talking about "one last time", and that it was NOT going to happen, yippy for me, realized I was being a stupid girl and thinking it was going to change his feelings on a long term stand point, "Heidi it's not gonna happen" DEAL!!

So having an ok day so far feeling quite sad but still better than yesterday and the day before, one day at a time right?

Eating has been ok I guess, bagel and some chicken or crab at night, guess that's not great but shit I'm eating.

Waking up this am was sort of weird, I heard my roomie yelling at her little ones, which is a pain in the ass to hear at 6:00am but who knows I may be doing the same thing if I had 2 1/2 year old twin boys.......anyways I rolled over and kissed my little man, perfect little lips of his.....His asthma is yet again driving him crazy and he has barely ate anything in 3 days. I hate seeing him hurt and cough so hard. He is really good with the inhaler however he makes me take a puff after he does, and he gets to administer it and thinks its so funny, I love his little laugh, I wish I could record it and play it for you all!

I miss M but I'm so angry with him and maybe that is what I need right now...It's a beautiful day and I deserve more dammit!!!

Too bad todays horoscope is not true for me, speaking up got me single again!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr I'm so frustrated!

Libra (9/23-10/22)
When it comes right down to it, life is pretty much all about negotiations. You give a little, they give a little, and together you come to an agreement that is mutually beneficial (in theory). Today, one of your negotiations may be off balance. If you feel you're sacrificing too much (at work, in a relationship or with some family obligations), then speak up. If you come to the table with a solution in mind, they'll be more likely to renegotiate and give you what you need.

Loving someone and being in love

I really do think I fell in love with M.
Now I find myself being so confused and angry that I had to say enough and I want more. I did the worst thing last night, (god I'm embarrassed to say this) I texted him telling him I wanted to be with him one last time...........(ICK I feel to lame for saying that). Not sure if I did it because I have NEVER connected with someone on a sexual level the way I do with him and I don't want that to go away or if I said it because I don't want to let go and I hope in the back of my mind that he will not want it to end.
How stupid am I?
F Lauren don't you know you deserve more.............

No or you would not be doing this.

Ok why am I talking in 3rd party.

I hate him for making me feel like I could be "me". It's not fair. Part of me feels like I need to just not call when it comes to Thursday night and just be true to myself, but I miss him sooooooooooooooo much and I miss hearing his voice. I want to stop crying.
I'm trying my hardest to feel like I can just forget or ignore all of this, I actually called my ex from 10 years ago.....my "whatif" just so I could talk to someone who I know no matter what loves and cares about me for me. I never have to pretend to him, he listens and simply lets me "BE"
I feel like I need to just date and go out to forget but really will this help me to forget the pain I feel and the love I have for M?

Dg and Carla, thank you both so much for all of your support in this, you both mean so much to me and I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to have someone who "gets it"
I want everyone else to know how much I appreciate them as well, please no one think that their words do not count or hit home when I read them,,,,
they do!!!!

I miss M and am soo sad I just cannot even think straight.
I want to erase all that has happened, I have lost friends in this and now M, where was the benefit again?

Oh well karma is a BITCH I guess.

I feel so nasty with my body right now I want to take a pencil and stand in front of a mirror trace out the whole sick picture and erase all of the negatives which basically would leave the mirror a blank slate. How I want to love my body and how I hate it so.

I have been listening to this song on my Blue October CD over and over and over and now I'm at the point where I want to fucking brake it and stomp on it and put it in the disposal, I'm hating that one of my favorite bands now only reminds me of M. after taking him to meet them,errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fucking men. will it ever happen for me? I'm sick and tired of the single life, and not having someone to share myself with, but at the same time I would feel sorry for any guy who has to deal with me! I'm tired of being alone, in the last 12 years I have had two serious relationships, one with my "whatif corey" and the other with my sons father and really 5 of those years have been single. I miss being with someone who I want to be with longer than for sex, sorry so blunt but whatever......M was the first person in 4 years I really wanted to spend time with!
I'm sick of my body..................................................
Sick and tired
Sick and tired and angry with my body
I just want to explode over and over and over,
I ate a bagel this am and feel sick about it, I hate carbs, they are so damn scary and the thought of it sitting in me when I have just lost 5 lbs getting off the pill makes me angry, because I know my body and if I stick to protein I'm fine but once I step outside the box I'm fucked!
Fucked Fucked Fucked!



"Sorry for the foul mouth today"

Thats is!! I'm done I'm done I'm done

I cannot stand the pain of making the decision to end something with a man I care about.......................HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURTS!!!
I don't want to purge in the vomit sense but I want to purge in tears and in feelings and I have no idea how to do it! I spent all day Sat and Sunday other than Church and a beer at the local dump bar with some random 55years old spilling my sad pathetic life, I missed a phone call I was supposed to make, pathetic I am just am having issues with putting my feelings off on someone who I care about!
Thought from M over the weekend..................,,,,,,, I don't want to hurt your feelings H but I don't think you have any confidence in yourself!!!! FUCK YOU M!

I'm sorry!!

I
Me
Myself
All about me right? No not right.
My feelings are important............that is what I want to believe, I want to feel that I can trust in my feeling and when I question them it makes me feel like they are bullshit and not worth anything, meaning they are not real, to me they are though.
Had a bit of a rough night in a selfish way though.
Situation.......my roomie and her twins father have been going thru the whole child support thing and the court order just came thru for her. I'm really happy for her really I am but at the same time I'm sick to my stomach about it. I feel that those boys deserve everything and so that is the reason why I feel like poo because I'm pissed, I'm pissed that my sons father is over $12,000 in debt in child support and that I will never see a fucking penny of it. I'm pissed that I bust my ass off day in and day out and Sam does not give a fuck about his son, I'm pissed that financially I never thought I would be in the situation I am in. I'm pissed that every holiday and every birthday I become extremely stressed because I have no idea how I'm going to afford everything, when I want to give him everything he deserves.
Simply I'm pissed! I'm stressed that Christmas is coming so quickly and I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off this year. Bills just keep coming.
Can someone cut me some fucking slack please!




Ok
so
now
it
is time............




I have been completely avoiding talking about this because I have been really scared about how to bring it up.
I have to say this first to Carla.........sweetie I treasure you.

I have been luckily in my mind to have had so many things come up for me in the last few weeks that have made my situation "non available" to meet Carla, But things seem to be calming down the next two weeks and I'm deathly scared to meet. I hate how I look and how much weight I have gained I cannot even bare the thought that I am bulimic and look like a fat ass, I have never been the bulimic who has been a normal weight woman it has ALWAYS been the underweight bulimic anorexic.
I'm scared not of judgement from anyone but the.................FUCK I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I hate my weight and I'm scared of Carla or anyone else seeing it on me. I want so deeply to have these connections with anyone I can and I feel like I'm losing that chance by being afraid of what someone will think when they see me. I hate writing this because I don't want anyone to think that I feel or ever have felt judgement from anyone because I have not I'm just embarrassed nothing more nothing less!! God maybe M is right, I do sabotage relationships

Why no comments to my last post!!!!

I chose to have no comments to the last post only because I hated what I had to write and by no means did I want to make others feel like they had to try to make me feel better, I really felt pathetic about that post so please know that never do I want to make others feel like they need to make me feel better, you all make me feel better no matter what!!!!!!!
I will post later today, just wanted to make sure I wrote this!!!

Question of the day

is how in the hell have i managed to get so freaking fat?
I have never in my life felt so disgusting about my body, I'm completely embarrassed to even be at work in front of people I see everyday. I'm disgusting and I know it is true because I see it every time I look in the mirror or walk by a window and see my fat ass reflection....
I try day in and day out to eat right and I seem to do fine until night time hits and then I seem to give in by eating those damn killer carbs or all of that freaking chocolate that I have left in my house. I can eat 2 pieces and I feel like I ate 20. I want to b/p so fucking badly I cannot even begin to tell you how bad my urges and wants are today, but I have to stay strong, I have not done it in almost a week and that feels really good, just to bad that I have lied to everyone else in my life about how long it has been. I feel terrible about lying but I hate people worrying about me even more. M is always talking about demons that I am fighting and I HATE that I feel so weak by him saying that, and last night I told him to back off........I told him that I was doing all I could to deal with what is going on and as far as he know it has been alot longer than 1 week since I have engaged but I just hate the thought of him thinking I am struggling so much or am a weak person. I will not let anyone think that of me, I refuse to give into anyone out there..................... This is my safe haven, this is honestly my rock, this is where I get my courage, by each and everyone of you whom I see deal with all different kinds of situations and never do I see any of you giving up even when it feels completely hopeless. I know how hard that is to do I live it everyday too and I just thank god seriously or my hp whatever that I have this place.
I want, need, have, to lose this damn weight, I cannot stand it anymore, really I don't know what to do! I hate my stomach and my thighs so gd much it is making me crazy, I have no time to workout unless I get up at 4:30 to run and there is no way is hell I'm doing that, ok maybe I just need to suck it up and do it, what do I have to lose other than a little bit of sleep.
Not time to think about where all this is coming from..................................
Wait never mind I don't think I want to

Shut up Lauren and think!

Honestly I hate this I hate that this cannot simply be about my weight, how is that possible that I cannot simply just feel and look fat without there being anything else involved.

I am fucking fat and right now to white to even look at myself and basically in a nutshell fat!!
I'm angry with myself for feeling like this right now, I'm angry that I cannot allow myself to just "be", will that ever happen to me I wonder? It has to right?

Ok lets think about so positives for a minute....

What am I grateful for---
1-more than anything in this world my little man
2-my mom who is my number 1 supporter-
3-you all of you!!!!!
4-that I allow others to love me weather or not I believe I deserve it is a different story.
5-my gf L she just went back into IOP today and she is having such a hard time but is being the fighting trooper I know she is, I love you L!!
6-
Ok that is enough for today......

I need to get off work already, I'm going to my dads and step moms tonight because I cannot bare to go home and deal with my roomie right now, she is a freaking errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I have the hardest time when she cannot deal and when the boys are there, I'm so glad that she is not gonna have them tomorrow til Sat night, I need a break and so does she. Her son was hitting the shit out of little C last night and after the 3rd time she took care of it and then was acting weird like it was my kids fault because he likes to tell on them shit I would to is someone was hitting me,,,my little man I have been lucky enough only hit me haha, better than others I guess. Anyways she would not even allow her kid around little c this am and when she finally called me she said that she was taking things personal because c is not really one to share and likes to whine. I told her that she needs to grow up (yet again) and realizes that these are 3year old boys we are dealing with and that EVERYTHING is not about her!!!

Ok just had to vent about that for a min....
Ok so not ok, why did Our patient just bring in a HUGE apple strudel and whip cream!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH are you kidding me, the smell alone is driving me mad!!!! That's is I voe none for me none at all
Fat ass Lauren this is not ok.

I have no title for this one! Read and you will understand...Simply boring!

How is it that I have gotten to were I hear about others getting and that is that posting has been really feeling like a chore lately.. I really want to do it, I do but I feel like my energy level has dropped down to zero and I cannot manage to do anything but check in on all of you.
Feeling somewhat numb and somewhat open, had a pretty good weekend I did something yesterday that I really did not believe I would ever do on my own, but I did it.......I went to church ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....how in the heck did I pull that one off???
Not to sure...
But it felt so good to do...
No pressure....
just love and sweetness from everyone there.
I want to go back, I just want to not feel forced and I scared that if I go back then people may start pushing there beliefs on my and honestly I need to find my own belief something that works for me not something that someone wants for me, I never do well with that.
Little C and I had a busy day after church, we hit the park, out to lunch, and went to see the "Bee Movie" soooooooooooooo freaking cute..
We had a great day. I dropped him off with my dad on Thursday and got him Sat night, all I know is that was way to long for me to deal with!! I missed him so much. Although he is driving me a bit crazy though, he is picking out all of his clothes that HE wants to wear, and I'm so not liking it. I know I need to let him choose sometimes but there is no way he is leaving the house in his hawaiian swim trunks, red pj scooby shirt and his green/black vans.....NOT HAPPENING! I don't care how mean that makes me....since I picked him up from my dads he has been sticking his tongue out and spitting at me, also NOT OK! I seriously feel like I want to walk out of the room and cry when he does that crap. I know he is a boy but I'm just not used to dealing with that kind of stuff.
Things with M.................hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I think I'm going to leave that one alone for right now, lets just say if I hear "Lauren you are doing nothing but sabotaging this relationship one more time I'm going to scream"! I do that I guess...why should I even deserve being in this relationship?
Deserve Lauren???Hun you don't
DESERVE
shit!

My perfect little DRAGON

What an amazing little man I have been blessed with!!!
We had such a fun time last night.....Took a bit to convince little C to want to wear his costume outside to go trick or treating but once we did it was so much fun. Granted I had to hold him most of the time because he was being shy but once he got the hang of it he did not want to stop. Needless to say we got to much candy and that was not the greatest thing for me because I ransacked his bag for all of the tootsie rolls and then whatever else I could find that I was not hungry for but still ate. I was supposed to go out with my mom however she was not feeling to well and then M was gonna come with but was having a hard time due to the fact that he could not be with his daughter,(which I completely understood) so it was just little C and me and that ended up being even better because it was "OUR TIME" and I loved it!
Yesterday was an odd day for me, with the scale and all the body image stuff but with the words of all of you to help me I was able to somehow make it thru, still having a bit of a hard day today because of my b/p'ing and all that I ate and kept down along with the fact that I went to the Dr. for my TMJ this am and had to get on the scale and I asked the girl not to tell me my weight but like a dumb ass I looked anyways and I was freaking 2 lbs heavier than yesterday.....ERRRRRR how does this happen? I just want to be xxx lbs why won't that happen for me? Today that is it no more chocolate, no more goodies, no more juice, nothing bad only healthy!!! I know I can do it I have to or else before you know it I will be 8,000lbs, then what?
Doing dinner with M and his roomie tonight, Salmon salad...I'm going to try to attempt to make it so wish me luck or I will have two angry hungry men after me.

Ok well just ate my lunch and no purging or binging, which is good, I had tuna salad, I swear I eat that every freaking day lately. You would think I would get sick of it but no such luck!
Well that's all for now, thank you for the support lately everyone I have needed it BIG TIME!!!!!
love lauren