Question of the day

is how in the hell have i managed to get so freaking fat?
I have never in my life felt so disgusting about my body, I'm completely embarrassed to even be at work in front of people I see everyday. I'm disgusting and I know it is true because I see it every time I look in the mirror or walk by a window and see my fat ass reflection....
I try day in and day out to eat right and I seem to do fine until night time hits and then I seem to give in by eating those damn killer carbs or all of that freaking chocolate that I have left in my house. I can eat 2 pieces and I feel like I ate 20. I want to b/p so fucking badly I cannot even begin to tell you how bad my urges and wants are today, but I have to stay strong, I have not done it in almost a week and that feels really good, just to bad that I have lied to everyone else in my life about how long it has been. I feel terrible about lying but I hate people worrying about me even more. M is always talking about demons that I am fighting and I HATE that I feel so weak by him saying that, and last night I told him to back off........I told him that I was doing all I could to deal with what is going on and as far as he know it has been alot longer than 1 week since I have engaged but I just hate the thought of him thinking I am struggling so much or am a weak person. I will not let anyone think that of me, I refuse to give into anyone out there..................... This is my safe haven, this is honestly my rock, this is where I get my courage, by each and everyone of you whom I see deal with all different kinds of situations and never do I see any of you giving up even when it feels completely hopeless. I know how hard that is to do I live it everyday too and I just thank god seriously or my hp whatever that I have this place.
I want, need, have, to lose this damn weight, I cannot stand it anymore, really I don't know what to do! I hate my stomach and my thighs so gd much it is making me crazy, I have no time to workout unless I get up at 4:30 to run and there is no way is hell I'm doing that, ok maybe I just need to suck it up and do it, what do I have to lose other than a little bit of sleep.
Not time to think about where all this is coming from..................................
Wait never mind I don't think I want to

Shut up Lauren and think!

Honestly I hate this I hate that this cannot simply be about my weight, how is that possible that I cannot simply just feel and look fat without there being anything else involved.

I am fucking fat and right now to white to even look at myself and basically in a nutshell fat!!
I'm angry with myself for feeling like this right now, I'm angry that I cannot allow myself to just "be", will that ever happen to me I wonder? It has to right?

Ok lets think about so positives for a minute....

What am I grateful for---
1-more than anything in this world my little man
2-my mom who is my number 1 supporter-
3-you all of you!!!!!
4-that I allow others to love me weather or not I believe I deserve it is a different story.
5-my gf L she just went back into IOP today and she is having such a hard time but is being the fighting trooper I know she is, I love you L!!
6-
Ok that is enough for today......

I need to get off work already, I'm going to my dads and step moms tonight because I cannot bare to go home and deal with my roomie right now, she is a freaking errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I have the hardest time when she cannot deal and when the boys are there, I'm so glad that she is not gonna have them tomorrow til Sat night, I need a break and so does she. Her son was hitting the shit out of little C last night and after the 3rd time she took care of it and then was acting weird like it was my kids fault because he likes to tell on them shit I would to is someone was hitting me,,,my little man I have been lucky enough only hit me haha, better than others I guess. Anyways she would not even allow her kid around little c this am and when she finally called me she said that she was taking things personal because c is not really one to share and likes to whine. I told her that she needs to grow up (yet again) and realizes that these are 3year old boys we are dealing with and that EVERYTHING is not about her!!!

Ok just had to vent about that for a min....
Ok so not ok, why did Our patient just bring in a HUGE apple strudel and whip cream!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH are you kidding me, the smell alone is driving me mad!!!! That's is I voe none for me none at all
Fat ass Lauren this is not ok.