Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday at last!!!!
Wishing you all an amazing weekend,,,,,and to you my sweet sweet special friend.........missing and thinking of you tons!!!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Done
So sorry for the delay, I know you have been waiting on my update from yesterday so here it is.............
8:00am I met my Dr. and honestly it went SOOOOO much better than I thought it was going to. I got like an hour and 1/2 sleep Sunday night because my anxiety was SO over the top and I had the worst monkey mind ever.
We talked for a bit and I basically gave her a run down on what has been going on and she put me back on the Prozac,,,,,gonna try to do it but not sure I can! And she also put me on an anti anxiety mad for my attacks!
I am going to meet with her and also a TMJ specialist who deals with depression and TMJ. Dr. J told me that she thinks that even if I did not have an ed she thinks that the chronic pain can and probably has caused some of my depression. It was good to have someone get that I really do have chronic pain and that there is going to be something we can do about it.
Today has been an ok day, only one slip-up so far so I guess that is better than 5 right?
~I feel really tired but on the same hand I have this excitement in me that keeps me going and thank you to my special friend for that.~
Thoughts of M are pretty much few and far between which I am working so hard on because I in no way do I want to deal with it at all!!! My mom keeps telling me how strong and brave I am but, I keep telling her (she is going thru a break up also) that she is the strong one at least she is talking aand dealing with it even if it is overwelming to hear it all the time because it is such a reminder that M and I are really done and that I believe no matter what he said or the tears he shed that he did not give a flying fuck about me!
I have decided that it is better for me right now not to even deal with it because all I will do is judge myself due to the issue of his daughter and I simply will not allow anyone to put me in a situation where I judge myself. I have enough to deal with.
I feel like the only reason why I want to take the Prozac is so that I can completely numb myself out from any feelings but I don't want to take it because I know what it does to me and I know that I will lose some of my urges to engage and I do not want to allow anything to take those choices from me......f'd up I know but hey I have come to realize that is just me! Take it or leave it.
Little C and I had a great Easter, we went to my aunts house, she lives in the "country" horses and all and we had a beautiful outside Easter dinner, we did a few different easter egg hunts which was so much fun!!!! I love my bubba so much it hurts!
I engaged which was difficult but man all of this holiday food has been killing me! Only thing I seem to be able to keep down in this damn chocolate which is all over the place and it makes no sense that I keep chocolate down!!! I hate it but like purging I just cannot seem to stop!!!
Dr. J, I told her about my blog and she asked me if I would bring in some of my postings so that she can get some sort of an idea about where I am at with everything, I said that I would think about it! I hate therapy I feel so pathetic about having to go why can't I just deal without help???. She thinks it is a good idea to see an ed specialist which I think is good too but only because I said I did not think it was necessary and when I say that stuff I know that those are the most important things to look at!!!
Ok time for more chocolate peanut m&m's!!!
8:00am I met my Dr. and honestly it went SOOOOO much better than I thought it was going to. I got like an hour and 1/2 sleep Sunday night because my anxiety was SO over the top and I had the worst monkey mind ever.
We talked for a bit and I basically gave her a run down on what has been going on and she put me back on the Prozac,,,,,gonna try to do it but not sure I can! And she also put me on an anti anxiety mad for my attacks!
I am going to meet with her and also a TMJ specialist who deals with depression and TMJ. Dr. J told me that she thinks that even if I did not have an ed she thinks that the chronic pain can and probably has caused some of my depression. It was good to have someone get that I really do have chronic pain and that there is going to be something we can do about it.
Today has been an ok day, only one slip-up so far so I guess that is better than 5 right?
~I feel really tired but on the same hand I have this excitement in me that keeps me going and thank you to my special friend for that.~
Thoughts of M are pretty much few and far between which I am working so hard on because I in no way do I want to deal with it at all!!! My mom keeps telling me how strong and brave I am but, I keep telling her (she is going thru a break up also) that she is the strong one at least she is talking aand dealing with it even if it is overwelming to hear it all the time because it is such a reminder that M and I are really done and that I believe no matter what he said or the tears he shed that he did not give a flying fuck about me!
I have decided that it is better for me right now not to even deal with it because all I will do is judge myself due to the issue of his daughter and I simply will not allow anyone to put me in a situation where I judge myself. I have enough to deal with.
I feel like the only reason why I want to take the Prozac is so that I can completely numb myself out from any feelings but I don't want to take it because I know what it does to me and I know that I will lose some of my urges to engage and I do not want to allow anything to take those choices from me......f'd up I know but hey I have come to realize that is just me! Take it or leave it.
Little C and I had a great Easter, we went to my aunts house, she lives in the "country" horses and all and we had a beautiful outside Easter dinner, we did a few different easter egg hunts which was so much fun!!!! I love my bubba so much it hurts!
I engaged which was difficult but man all of this holiday food has been killing me! Only thing I seem to be able to keep down in this damn chocolate which is all over the place and it makes no sense that I keep chocolate down!!! I hate it but like purging I just cannot seem to stop!!!
Dr. J, I told her about my blog and she asked me if I would bring in some of my postings so that she can get some sort of an idea about where I am at with everything, I said that I would think about it! I hate therapy I feel so pathetic about having to go why can't I just deal without help???. She thinks it is a good idea to see an ed specialist which I think is good too but only because I said I did not think it was necessary and when I say that stuff I know that those are the most important things to look at!!!
Ok time for more chocolate peanut m&m's!!!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Not sure what this is about!
So I'm sitting here at work bored off my ass, and have been searching through my yahoo pics basically all day! I came across this pic and RIGHT AWAY it brought a smile to my face.
It is a picture of me 8 months preggers and when I looked at my body I began to remember what it felt like to "be in my skin" at that point of my life. The truth is I have never been happier with my body than I was when I was pregnant. I loved every part of my body and I showed it off every chance I got...Not in a bad way of course but like for example, the whole time I was preggers even when I was 9 months I sported a bikini. I loved it, I love my belly, I loved my fat ass, and I loved my legs, (all the parts I cannot stand to look at now)!
Well here goes.....................
What happened to this person?
I wish I could find her!!!!!
It is a picture of me 8 months preggers and when I looked at my body I began to remember what it felt like to "be in my skin" at that point of my life. The truth is I have never been happier with my body than I was when I was pregnant. I loved every part of my body and I showed it off every chance I got...Not in a bad way of course but like for example, the whole time I was preggers even when I was 9 months I sported a bikini. I loved it, I love my belly, I loved my fat ass, and I loved my legs, (all the parts I cannot stand to look at now)!
Well here goes.....................
What happened to this person?
I wish I could find her!!!!!
I know its dark SORRY!
SO hoping this pic will show up even if only a little bit!
Feeling kinda sad today, tomorrow will be 6 months since I lost my amazing Nana, and for some reason 6 months really seems like a huge thing,, may have a bit to do with all else however I just wanted to see her face, I have been looking at pics of her all morning and this is the only one I have on line with all three of us.
I miss and love you my sweet nana and Happy Easter wishing I could see and touch your beautiful face!!!!!! I miss your gentle kisses!
Treasure your family this weekend.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Shity Update But Need to RELEASE
Ok so here is the latest.............
Made appt this am for 8am Monday to see the Dr. that I do not like, I figure I cannot be picky right now.
Nervous but I simply cannot deal with the emotional shit right now.
Second, I need to get this off my chest because it is just to painful to carry around anymore.
M and I decided to be "really" done on Monday night,,,, to long of a story to tell but ultimately I found out what a coward he really is. He told me that he did not want me around his daughter...........
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?????????????????
He knows nothing of what I have been dealing with,,, well minus the past and he said that he just cannot find the strength to tell her that daddy is dating mommy's friend............................. WHAT A FUCKING cop out!
He went into this whole crying bullshit about how the single man wants this so badly but that the dad in him is to scared that is will hurt little A!
Now I need you to see that I totally get the whole protect your child thing but come on who is the adult here. I never even brought up being around her even though I have already been a thousand times.... She knows me and loves me!
Whatever,,,,,,I just wanted and needed to vent,,,,I told him I have never been told something so hurtful, and the truth is I HAVE NOT! It made me feel like a whore, like a secret that could not be revealed....
Oh well it just confirmed my feeling on other issue that has been a huge struggle for a very long time!!
Ugh I wish I could see my Dr. today!!!!!!!
Thank you all of you for your words, and support, I would be lost without you!
Made appt this am for 8am Monday to see the Dr. that I do not like, I figure I cannot be picky right now.
Nervous but I simply cannot deal with the emotional shit right now.
Second, I need to get this off my chest because it is just to painful to carry around anymore.
M and I decided to be "really" done on Monday night,,,, to long of a story to tell but ultimately I found out what a coward he really is. He told me that he did not want me around his daughter...........
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?????????????????
He knows nothing of what I have been dealing with,,, well minus the past and he said that he just cannot find the strength to tell her that daddy is dating mommy's friend............................. WHAT A FUCKING cop out!
He went into this whole crying bullshit about how the single man wants this so badly but that the dad in him is to scared that is will hurt little A!
Now I need you to see that I totally get the whole protect your child thing but come on who is the adult here. I never even brought up being around her even though I have already been a thousand times.... She knows me and loves me!
Whatever,,,,,,I just wanted and needed to vent,,,,I told him I have never been told something so hurtful, and the truth is I HAVE NOT! It made me feel like a whore, like a secret that could not be revealed....
Oh well it just confirmed my feeling on other issue that has been a huge struggle for a very long time!!
Ugh I wish I could see my Dr. today!!!!!!!
Thank you all of you for your words, and support, I would be lost without you!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
200th Post and I'm Withdrawing!
This is such a huge accomplishment for me, even if it did take me over a year to get here, I so hoped and wished that I would be in a different place in my life right now but basically I'm almost in the same........
I'm hurting right now and I'm angry and all I want to do is run away so that the pain will not be here upon my return.
I read all of your blogs daily yet right when I go to leave a comment I cannot pull up the strength to do it, my mind goes completely blank and I feel like I am full of shit no matter what I say...I'm sorry. I will come around sooner than later I hope.
Is it possible to feel physical pain from mental pain??? Or is it really all in my head?
The tears are so heavy right now UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't live like this!
I'm hurting right now and I'm angry and all I want to do is run away so that the pain will not be here upon my return.
I read all of your blogs daily yet right when I go to leave a comment I cannot pull up the strength to do it, my mind goes completely blank and I feel like I am full of shit no matter what I say...I'm sorry. I will come around sooner than later I hope.
Is it possible to feel physical pain from mental pain??? Or is it really all in my head?
The tears are so heavy right now UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't live like this!
Monday, March 17, 2008
2nd Patty's Day Post~ Really?
John Mayer
Say what you need to say (x8)
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)
Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
[ Say What You Need To Say lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.
Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.
(Wide Heart)
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to, Say what you need to...
Say what you need to say.
I just got back from lunch and my afternoon b/p....Sorry guys but say what you need to say~~ Anyways this song came on and I totally started to tear up, not cry just tear up,,,, I have not been able to do that alot lately and honestly it felt kinda good.
The thing is that sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I rarely know where or if the truth is coming out or if I am saying what honestly needs to be said of if I am saying or doing things in order to not deal with other things~ save me the pain of reality ya know?
My anxiety is so so stupid (by the way if I had said that out loud C would be saying "bad word momma bad word")
anyways it is, I had a long talk and was as honest as I could be with my roomie last night and she was awesome, I just broke it down and told her how worried I am about going back to this shit and how angry I am that I was in treatment this year and I feel like other than the lax I am in the same situation. I can hardly bare the thought of going back because this time I will simply not be able to deal! I wont do it! I know I don't need it now I know I just need to get into therapy again which I made another call today and my Dr is out but will be back tomorrow! I feel like since I am so aware of things right now that if I can somehow someway get a handle on this shit disease be able to get some control before it is to far out of hand. My weight is ok well by Dr's standards by mine no way no how!~
Things with M are really weird right now! Thinking it may come to a crashing halt tonight and although it will be weird to not be able to talk the way we have been it just may be for the best. Only good thing is that my walls have been up so high that It will hurt just no way in the same way that it did before. What I do know from what I have gone thru in the last year is that other than you guys, my parents and a few friends,,,,,,no one will be let into this life any deeper that superficial, just don't care to keep hurting from the lack of love in my life!
I am in charge of my life right???? Sucks that is even a question I have to ask because I don't know the damn answer!
Say what you need to say (x8)
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)
Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
[ Say What You Need To Say lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.
Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.
(Wide Heart)
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to, Say what you need to...
Say what you need to say.
I just got back from lunch and my afternoon b/p....Sorry guys but say what you need to say~~ Anyways this song came on and I totally started to tear up, not cry just tear up,,,, I have not been able to do that alot lately and honestly it felt kinda good.
The thing is that sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I rarely know where or if the truth is coming out or if I am saying what honestly needs to be said of if I am saying or doing things in order to not deal with other things~ save me the pain of reality ya know?
My anxiety is so so stupid (by the way if I had said that out loud C would be saying "bad word momma bad word")
anyways it is, I had a long talk and was as honest as I could be with my roomie last night and she was awesome, I just broke it down and told her how worried I am about going back to this shit and how angry I am that I was in treatment this year and I feel like other than the lax I am in the same situation. I can hardly bare the thought of going back because this time I will simply not be able to deal! I wont do it! I know I don't need it now I know I just need to get into therapy again which I made another call today and my Dr is out but will be back tomorrow! I feel like since I am so aware of things right now that if I can somehow someway get a handle on this shit disease be able to get some control before it is to far out of hand. My weight is ok well by Dr's standards by mine no way no how!~
Things with M are really weird right now! Thinking it may come to a crashing halt tonight and although it will be weird to not be able to talk the way we have been it just may be for the best. Only good thing is that my walls have been up so high that It will hurt just no way in the same way that it did before. What I do know from what I have gone thru in the last year is that other than you guys, my parents and a few friends,,,,,,no one will be let into this life any deeper that superficial, just don't care to keep hurting from the lack of love in my life!
I am in charge of my life right???? Sucks that is even a question I have to ask because I don't know the damn answer!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
2 days worth!
Being able to simply breathe is the most amazing feeling ever. I have not felt it in quite awhile now though. I talked with the charge nurse I work with today about taking something for my anxiety but still a complete mess when the reality of doing it comes to surface.
I have had some legal issues going on that I'm not really into going into right now so that has made things with me even worse. Hopefully after a meeting I had yesterday with the legal pigs, things will calm down, not holding my breath though.
Food-god what is the deal, I feel so guilty when I eat, I feel guilty when I don't and I feel guilty when I binge and purge...... guilt is horrible.
My charge nurse is going to check with her therapist to see if the accept VA insurance, he is not an ED specialist but I do not really think that is important right now I just think I need to see SOMEONE!
Time is of the essence right?
***************************************
So just getting back to this post that I started yesterday.....
Anxiety is a bit over the top for a Friday but what the hell am I to do?? I have to say though certain messages (you know who you are) have put my head else where which is truly a blessing and such a relief!
Looking so forward to spending a nice long weekend with Little C......He has been such a good boy lately, well for the most part he always is but hey he is 3 1/2 and I guess he is allowed some meltdowns like his momma.
I had to take him to the Dr. on Monday for some hair loss and have been really worried about that but they gave me a topical steroid to put on it for a few weeks so hoping things will get better soon. I hate him having to go through anything like this. So not fun. I don't think he feels anything from it but still makes me sad to think of anything bothering his sweet little self!
Planning my St. Patty's night out.......might not be such a good idea but god knows I can sure use a few (lots) of green beer!!!!!!
That day is also my ex's B-Day so anything to keep my mind off of them the better...Those damn "whatif's"!!!
Sending you all such big huge massive hugs and wishes for an amazing weekend!!!!!
xoxoxo Lauren
I have had some legal issues going on that I'm not really into going into right now so that has made things with me even worse. Hopefully after a meeting I had yesterday with the legal pigs, things will calm down, not holding my breath though.
Food-god what is the deal, I feel so guilty when I eat, I feel guilty when I don't and I feel guilty when I binge and purge...... guilt is horrible.
My charge nurse is going to check with her therapist to see if the accept VA insurance, he is not an ED specialist but I do not really think that is important right now I just think I need to see SOMEONE!
Time is of the essence right?
***************************************
So just getting back to this post that I started yesterday.....
Anxiety is a bit over the top for a Friday but what the hell am I to do?? I have to say though certain messages (you know who you are) have put my head else where which is truly a blessing and such a relief!
Looking so forward to spending a nice long weekend with Little C......He has been such a good boy lately, well for the most part he always is but hey he is 3 1/2 and I guess he is allowed some meltdowns like his momma.
I had to take him to the Dr. on Monday for some hair loss and have been really worried about that but they gave me a topical steroid to put on it for a few weeks so hoping things will get better soon. I hate him having to go through anything like this. So not fun. I don't think he feels anything from it but still makes me sad to think of anything bothering his sweet little self!
Planning my St. Patty's night out.......might not be such a good idea but god knows I can sure use a few (lots) of green beer!!!!!!
That day is also my ex's B-Day so anything to keep my mind off of them the better...Those damn "whatif's"!!!
Sending you all such big huge massive hugs and wishes for an amazing weekend!!!!!
xoxoxo Lauren
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Alcohol Pads,,,,,Lauren are you for real?
Wow, first off I have to say to sarah, that "god babe", I love you darlin.....U so freaking brought many smiles to my face today...
I'm having a really weird out of body day today... There is some pretty scary stuff going on with me right now, (well I think it's scary) but going to wait until its dealt with to chat about it. My anxiety is really outofcontrol lately. I have never dealt with this and don't know how to other than to try to breathe... I went to the grocery store with M the other day and totally had to walk out because being in a place like that with him scared to poo poo out of me... What is that about? I'm the one who has no one in my life to fear as far as he is concerned.
I feel like I'm going to vomit, not purge just honestly vomit at least 20x a day. It is such a shity feeling to have and I simply do not know what or how to deal with it. All I know is NO MEDS>!
God had such a shity day yesterday........... Food wise not horrible but not great either.
I cannot even collect the words that I want to type right now without feeling total panic about it.
So this is how bad the anxiety is...... I went to get a syringe to give a pt an injection and since the med is a multi dose vial I had to wipe it off with some alcohol first,,, well right on my counter I have a bin with alcohol pads in it and they come in packs of 2. However today there was one pack and one of them were missing out of it. I wanted to fly off the handle........... Not sure why because it is just an alcohol pad and there were several behind that particular one but seeing a single one there all alone freaked me out, I felt the chest pain and shortness of breath immediately..
"How pathetic you must be all thinking" I am!
I'm having a really weird out of body day today... There is some pretty scary stuff going on with me right now, (well I think it's scary) but going to wait until its dealt with to chat about it. My anxiety is really outofcontrol lately. I have never dealt with this and don't know how to other than to try to breathe... I went to the grocery store with M the other day and totally had to walk out because being in a place like that with him scared to poo poo out of me... What is that about? I'm the one who has no one in my life to fear as far as he is concerned.
I feel like I'm going to vomit, not purge just honestly vomit at least 20x a day. It is such a shity feeling to have and I simply do not know what or how to deal with it. All I know is NO MEDS>!
God had such a shity day yesterday........... Food wise not horrible but not great either.
I cannot even collect the words that I want to type right now without feeling total panic about it.
So this is how bad the anxiety is...... I went to get a syringe to give a pt an injection and since the med is a multi dose vial I had to wipe it off with some alcohol first,,, well right on my counter I have a bin with alcohol pads in it and they come in packs of 2. However today there was one pack and one of them were missing out of it. I wanted to fly off the handle........... Not sure why because it is just an alcohol pad and there were several behind that particular one but seeing a single one there all alone freaked me out, I felt the chest pain and shortness of breath immediately..
"How pathetic you must be all thinking" I am!
Friday, March 7, 2008
MUAH MUAH MUAH
At work BORED and don't have much to say today!
So simply want to say this!
Happy Friday and I love you all!!
So simply want to say this!
Happy Friday and I love you all!!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Anxiety is a true BITCH
I cannot even begin to tell you the anxiety that I am feeling at this very minute.
It literally feels like I cannot breathe, not sure at all where it is coming from but I actually have chest pain. Not chest pain where I feel like I need to see someone just chest pain that says something is not right today.
Sort of had a hard night, and not sure what to do with it.
Ugh I talked to my mom yesterday and she really wants me to be back in therapy but I'm having a hard time with that because I feel really lazy when it comes to the thought of finding one that will except my VA insurance, it is such a pain in the ass.
I wish I could just fall into someones arms and cry, then maybe I would feel better but I'm thinking that is just not going to happen for me right now.
I want to go home
I want to b/p yet again and
I want to numb out to this anxiety.
I could really deal with things if I did not have to feel anything but I know that is no way to deal with things.
I'm tired right now........
Sorry there is not a whole lot I have to say other than I want to breathe without feeling like I'm going to break.
It literally feels like I cannot breathe, not sure at all where it is coming from but I actually have chest pain. Not chest pain where I feel like I need to see someone just chest pain that says something is not right today.
Sort of had a hard night, and not sure what to do with it.
Ugh I talked to my mom yesterday and she really wants me to be back in therapy but I'm having a hard time with that because I feel really lazy when it comes to the thought of finding one that will except my VA insurance, it is such a pain in the ass.
I wish I could just fall into someones arms and cry, then maybe I would feel better but I'm thinking that is just not going to happen for me right now.
I want to go home
I want to b/p yet again and
I want to numb out to this anxiety.
I could really deal with things if I did not have to feel anything but I know that is no way to deal with things.
I'm tired right now........
Sorry there is not a whole lot I have to say other than I want to breathe without feeling like I'm going to break.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Monkey mind that never stops...Or is it the monkey in my mind that just won't fucking die?
Sorry not a positive post!!!!
Just take it as a bit O caution!
Not a good night as far as eating goes......
I got home and did my normal mom stuff, dinner for the boys, playtime, baths, and movie with c before bed all while not having a bite to eat,,,(pizza was dinner) can you believe that one????
Well I laid C down at like 8 and it took awhile for him to fall asleep so I did not get up until like 9:30-9:45. I went into the living room and sat on the couch like a big fat cow and started catching up on my last 2 episodes of Big Brother an Bad Girls Club, when all of the sudden I realized I was hungry and that there was 1 piece of pizza left.
Of course I fought the idea for what seemed like forever and then decided I could eat it, but what ended up happening is that it took me 2 hours to fucking eat it!! What the hell?? And the whole time I was sitting there staring at it thinking "shit can I take another bite or will that be the bite that is going to make me gain 10 effing lbs? I wanted to shove it in my HUGE face so many times and then go into a HUGE b/p episode however that really is not so possible with my roomie there so I just had to sit with it ALL NIGHT LONG!
I drove me crazy.... It is still driving me crazy! What is the freaking deal people??????
Why can I not eat a simple 5 inch slice of pizza without being so horrible to myself?
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
God I feel like I have made no stinking progress in the last 16 years......All the treatment for what?
All the time in the hospital for what?
All the therapy for what?
All the pain I have gone through for what?
All the pain and money I have put my family through for what?
The only answer I have is C.....that is it. Simply my little c!
Just take it as a bit O caution!
Not a good night as far as eating goes......
I got home and did my normal mom stuff, dinner for the boys, playtime, baths, and movie with c before bed all while not having a bite to eat,,,(pizza was dinner) can you believe that one????
Well I laid C down at like 8 and it took awhile for him to fall asleep so I did not get up until like 9:30-9:45. I went into the living room and sat on the couch like a big fat cow and started catching up on my last 2 episodes of Big Brother an Bad Girls Club, when all of the sudden I realized I was hungry and that there was 1 piece of pizza left.
Of course I fought the idea for what seemed like forever and then decided I could eat it, but what ended up happening is that it took me 2 hours to fucking eat it!! What the hell?? And the whole time I was sitting there staring at it thinking "shit can I take another bite or will that be the bite that is going to make me gain 10 effing lbs? I wanted to shove it in my HUGE face so many times and then go into a HUGE b/p episode however that really is not so possible with my roomie there so I just had to sit with it ALL NIGHT LONG!
I drove me crazy.... It is still driving me crazy! What is the freaking deal people??????
Why can I not eat a simple 5 inch slice of pizza without being so horrible to myself?
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
God I feel like I have made no stinking progress in the last 16 years......All the treatment for what?
All the time in the hospital for what?
All the therapy for what?
All the pain I have gone through for what?
All the pain and money I have put my family through for what?
The only answer I have is C.....that is it. Simply my little c!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Come On, Really?
Does it really ever truly go away??
I have such a hard time thinking that it does, I mean all of these people that I hear go through recovery and it sticks, shit I just do not see how that is even possible. I would love to not hurt or shit even feel on some days (most actually) but that is just not an option right now for me. Eating or not eating that is what the option is with my health lately and to be honest ( I mean real honest) I'm fucking sick and tired of it! I'm tired of planning and feeling freaked out of my mind when I am not going to be able to engage it is horrible to want to and due to circumstances not be able to! I sometimes feel like there is no way out of this ed hell. Will it ever end?? God I hope so.......and I hope it can be in a positive way.
I'm tired today, burnt out and I need a break! Work is so slow and I have been putting all my work off since I have been sick so there is like 15 piles on my desk that I need to do and have no interest what so ever to get it done.. But I will.
I wish I was in Florida with you ptc on the beach,,,,,ugh wait that would mean being in a bathing suit,,,,,,,,,ok you are worth that! haha!
Fat fattier fattest......That is what I'm feeling today.. No other feelings going on that I want to really look at just simply fat! oh and maybe even plump!
I have such a hard time thinking that it does, I mean all of these people that I hear go through recovery and it sticks, shit I just do not see how that is even possible. I would love to not hurt or shit even feel on some days (most actually) but that is just not an option right now for me. Eating or not eating that is what the option is with my health lately and to be honest ( I mean real honest) I'm fucking sick and tired of it! I'm tired of planning and feeling freaked out of my mind when I am not going to be able to engage it is horrible to want to and due to circumstances not be able to! I sometimes feel like there is no way out of this ed hell. Will it ever end?? God I hope so.......and I hope it can be in a positive way.
I'm tired today, burnt out and I need a break! Work is so slow and I have been putting all my work off since I have been sick so there is like 15 piles on my desk that I need to do and have no interest what so ever to get it done.. But I will.
I wish I was in Florida with you ptc on the beach,,,,,ugh wait that would mean being in a bathing suit,,,,,,,,,ok you are worth that! haha!
Fat fattier fattest......That is what I'm feeling today.. No other feelings going on that I want to really look at just simply fat! oh and maybe even plump!
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