John Mayer
Say what you need to say (x8)
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)
Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
[ Say What You Need To Say lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.
Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.
(Wide Heart)
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to, Say what you need to...
Say what you need to say.
I just got back from lunch and my afternoon b/p....Sorry guys but say what you need to say~~ Anyways this song came on and I totally started to tear up, not cry just tear up,,,, I have not been able to do that alot lately and honestly it felt kinda good.
The thing is that sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I rarely know where or if the truth is coming out or if I am saying what honestly needs to be said of if I am saying or doing things in order to not deal with other things~ save me the pain of reality ya know?
My anxiety is so so stupid (by the way if I had said that out loud C would be saying "bad word momma bad word")
anyways it is, I had a long talk and was as honest as I could be with my roomie last night and she was awesome, I just broke it down and told her how worried I am about going back to this shit and how angry I am that I was in treatment this year and I feel like other than the lax I am in the same situation. I can hardly bare the thought of going back because this time I will simply not be able to deal! I wont do it! I know I don't need it now I know I just need to get into therapy again which I made another call today and my Dr is out but will be back tomorrow! I feel like since I am so aware of things right now that if I can somehow someway get a handle on this shit disease be able to get some control before it is to far out of hand. My weight is ok well by Dr's standards by mine no way no how!~
Things with M are really weird right now! Thinking it may come to a crashing halt tonight and although it will be weird to not be able to talk the way we have been it just may be for the best. Only good thing is that my walls have been up so high that It will hurt just no way in the same way that it did before. What I do know from what I have gone thru in the last year is that other than you guys, my parents and a few friends,,,,,,no one will be let into this life any deeper that superficial, just don't care to keep hurting from the lack of love in my life!
I am in charge of my life right???? Sucks that is even a question I have to ask because I don't know the damn answer!
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8 comments:
Oh baby...you are so very beautiful. You have a kind heart as well. I want to hold you and tell you everything will be alright...yes, I do.
I know you are going through things, but baby please be strong, be brave and never give up, sweetie. I believe in you...I do believe you will get past all of this. You do whatever it takes to succeed. I am here if you ever need a hand to hold.
Kisses and hugs for you baby doll. I heart you honey.
just wanted to send you some love
xoxo
Hey L!
You said you feel like you have multiple personalities and that you "rarely know where or if the truth is coming out". I TOTALLY hear that, this hit home for me big time. I spent like 10 years of my life not knowing if what I was saying was what I really thought. But here is what I figured out. I tis two fold. (don't know if it will help):
1) everyone at some point in their life feels like they don't know how they feel about something. This can be very hard, and even harder for us EDers cause instead of siting with the confusion we engage in our "behaviours".
2) We spend so much of our time trying to "fit" into a mold society made for us that we cannot judge our own feelings. What I mean is that when we manage to squeeze ourselves into that size X we feel worthy, good, pure, smart, etc. Similarily I believe that when we shoehorn our thinking to fit society's mold we, for a moment, feel worthy, elated etc. But is it what we are truely feeling? IS it what truley makes us happy? How the hell would we know! We use societies meter stick as our measure, not our own. So what we feel is often opposite to what we THINK is right. Hence the multiple personality feelings..
Make sense? hmmm I may have babbled!
xo
Sole
Dearest and most precious friend ... who are just like most of us, I guess ... all you need is to get some order into your life ... just try to feel the good stuff and throw away bad ones ... it ain't easy, I know ... but you gotta give it a try ... between me and you ... maybe a relaxing day at the beach with some nice pineapple cocktail could help ... if no beach, then pineapple cocktail ... if no beach and no cocktail ... hum ... well, remember you are a cutie and got people who care about you!
oh honey . . . I love you.
Well I don't know how it all ended for you last night, but I'm confident that it went the way it was supposed to. You're strong H. Don't forget that. You're LIVING proof of the strength you have. There may be times when you feel like you can't utilize the strength you have, but that does not mean its not there..
Sending you strength and love for you day.
omg, that's my new ringback tone! i love you, sweetie. i'll try to ring you soon. promise.
Not only are you in charge of your life but you are SO smart and capable of being in control. You really are. The demon that is ED tells you you're not, but that is a lie, just like all the other lie ED feeds us.
Keep calling about the therapist sweetie. Keep being honest here. I'm glad you talked to your roomie. I'm so here for you, and saying a prayer for good things to happen this week.
DG
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