Does it really ever truly go away??
I have such a hard time thinking that it does, I mean all of these people that I hear go through recovery and it sticks, shit I just do not see how that is even possible. I would love to not hurt or shit even feel on some days (most actually) but that is just not an option right now for me. Eating or not eating that is what the option is with my health lately and to be honest ( I mean real honest) I'm fucking sick and tired of it! I'm tired of planning and feeling freaked out of my mind when I am not going to be able to engage it is horrible to want to and due to circumstances not be able to! I sometimes feel like there is no way out of this ed hell. Will it ever end?? God I hope so.......and I hope it can be in a positive way.
I'm tired today, burnt out and I need a break! Work is so slow and I have been putting all my work off since I have been sick so there is like 15 piles on my desk that I need to do and have no interest what so ever to get it done.. But I will.
I wish I was in Florida with you ptc on the beach,,,,,ugh wait that would mean being in a bathing suit,,,,,,,,,ok you are worth that! haha!
Fat fattier fattest......That is what I'm feeling today.. No other feelings going on that I want to really look at just simply fat! oh and maybe even plump!
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5 comments:
My dear friend. I'm sorry I've been absent. Its been a painful last few days. And yes, we still need to have our "talk." I have not, and will not forget.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this today. Some days its just just not fair how our minds pick on us. I have days like that as well, but try to remember that you're doing your best, you're strong. (You know you are) and that people love you. Your mind is conditioned to pick on you. But I'm not. And I love ya. Fight back! You've got a hard head, don't listen to yourself like you don't listen to me! LOL! (so just kidding there)
Stay strong girly. Keep talking, and know that you're cared about.
Ah yes, plump....interesting you chose that word. It is one of my favs. And by fav. I mean it is the one I always fall back on. The truth of the matter is that I KNOW I am not FAT! I have a healthy BMI etc. so I go with plump. IT is MIAs way of saying to me....."hahahahah so you can finally admit you are not fat eh? NOT SO FAST I HEX YOU WITH FEARS OF PLUMP/CHUBBY! hahahahahahahamuahahahahahahah" .
(I imagine this in the voice of the wicked wicked from the wizard of Oz). I am so sorry you are feeling unworthy, anxious and dare I say ashamed? I am here for you to tell you you are beautiful, worthy and a wonderful mother and friend.
Take Care
Sole
wicked wicked= wicked witch
I know, sweetie, I so know. I'm so sick of it, when will it click and stop having such a hold? I don't know. I don't know how people live and not worry about food and trying to make it safe. I just don't. But we're not alone.
Did you read the posts from Shelly from Thin on MamaVisions blog? It was really insightful about how she had gone through recovery before but she finally had to get to that place of wanting it. Anyway, it made me think.
I adore you, call me anytime. I'm here!
DG
i hear you dripping with the frustration that comes from feeling pulled in opposite directions. eat. don't eat. fat. not fat. loved. not loved....
ack. how we can find a way to get away from thinking in these extremes is a mystery to me, but i am full of faith right now that we CAN figure it out. we've GOT to.
thinking of you!
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