Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain....
Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call....
He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear...
Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light...
The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love.
May God fill your day with blessings!!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Taking a break!!!
Feelings,,,,,need to be honest but feeling really no support from here lately and just needing to pause for a bit or just go private completely! This place I come to for me and others and there are a select few of you (you know who you are) that are here for me always and I love you for it, but I really feel like I put in so much into others and am just not wanting to put myself out there when I can write it in a journal instead of making my life known to everyone and being ignored Ugh just feeling like I need a wall here and that is never what I have wanted to feel!!! I hate that I feel pathetic about this! Those of you that have my email please feel free to email if you like.
I will still check in with others.
Not forever just for a bit! Please Dg, email when you have more info on Feb visit!!!!!!
xoxo
I will still check in with others.
Not forever just for a bit! Please Dg, email when you have more info on Feb visit!!!!!!
xoxo
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Jeremy G Update!!!!!
Hey everyone,,,,,,, Just got a phone call from Jeremy yesterday and wanted to let all of you know that he did go back into the hospital however he will be getting out on Monday! He wanted to make sure you all knew he was ok....Please continue giving this amazing strong man our support, I think we all know how far he has come and how hard he has been working to beat this damn illness!
Lots and lots of love to you all and to you Jeremy, we are behind you 100%.
Lots and lots of love to you all and to you Jeremy, we are behind you 100%.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Ok so Matt White is so my favorite!!!!
Every time I look at you
You always look so beautiful
Driving on the road again the Chevy’s packed
And it is dusk
And I will take some photographs
So I can dream of you
Can’t say I’ve felt such twisting
In my heart this way
we pitch a tent & have one sleeping bag
To stay away
Fires burning , softly singing songs
So close to you
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Can’t take away those times we stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smoking cigarettes and three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together holding your body, close to mine
Oh, And in the morning your eyes open so innocent
The sun in blazing we are sweaty you look lovely
Nothing else matters anymore 'cause your in my arms again
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
Oh, I never want to be without you
So, just stay with me, I will love you endlessly
Oh, darlin’ darlin’ oh... darlin', darlin'
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
You always look so beautiful
Driving on the road again the Chevy’s packed
And it is dusk
And I will take some photographs
So I can dream of you
Can’t say I’ve felt such twisting
In my heart this way
we pitch a tent & have one sleeping bag
To stay away
Fires burning , softly singing songs
So close to you
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Can’t take away those times we stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smoking cigarettes and three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together holding your body, close to mine
Oh, And in the morning your eyes open so innocent
The sun in blazing we are sweaty you look lovely
Nothing else matters anymore 'cause your in my arms again
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
Oh, I never want to be without you
So, just stay with me, I will love you endlessly
Oh, darlin’ darlin’ oh... darlin', darlin'
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
Thursday, January 24, 2008
"Rain rain go away come again some other day!"
I feel like whining a bit,,,,sorry but it my blog right?, and I can do that!
I'm sick and effing tired of this damn rain.....................
DO YOU HEAR ME UP THERE???? SICK AND TIRED!!
It is so depressing
My tummy hurts!!!!!!!!
Make it stop without having to take anything,,,,I'm trying so hard not to!
Temptation is a royal bitch!!!!
I'm sick and effing tired of this damn rain.....................
DO YOU HEAR ME UP THERE???? SICK AND TIRED!!
It is so depressing
My tummy hurts!!!!!!!!
Make it stop without having to take anything,,,,I'm trying so hard not to!
Temptation is a royal bitch!!!!
A friend who needs us
Not sure who all has access to K's blog however she could really use our support right now!!!! What an amazing woman is all I can say!!!!
Love you k
Love you k
To Real for me today
Ok so we all should know by now that from time to time I post my horoscope but today after yesterdays post I felt like this one could not be more perfect!!!
"Pluto's promising you transformation… where home and family life is concerned. If you need to do some therapy because of 'stuff' that happened to you in your childhood, this is the year to throw yourself into it. Family crises now can prove to be very healing, so have the guts to fully explore domestic issues/problems at home if and when they flare up."
I have the biggest issues with going into my childhood stuff, never want nor feel the need to do it but lately thinking it might be a good idea...
With all the times I have been in treatment and in the hospital I have always been against it but always somehow managed to make it my main priority in treatment. I kept thinking I was always done with it because I have made it known to my parents several times, and I guess this time it is not about "them" but about me and the way that I cannot seem to deal or get past it!
The last few days have been really difficult for me because of an issue that has been weighing pretty heavy but this am got some good news and feeling like I can breathe a bit more!!!!
To answers Quint's question in my last post.....Sweets, AA is simply for me a 12 step program where one can go for support and somewhere I feel comfortable going! There are not to many groups around here that focus on ED's so that or OA (Over eaters Anonymous)are my only other choices....OA and I just do not connect, totally different crowd and they feel taking away the bad food, sugars or what ever your binge food is, is the best thing to do, and in my case I just don't agree... I need the food I binge on, they are an important part of "MY" survival, I feel these are important foods for me to face!!
Mwwwaa to you hun!
Ok this is it for now!!!!!!!
Love to you all!!! Wish me luck on a good day,,,,I really am needing the support!!!!
"Pluto's promising you transformation… where home and family life is concerned. If you need to do some therapy because of 'stuff' that happened to you in your childhood, this is the year to throw yourself into it. Family crises now can prove to be very healing, so have the guts to fully explore domestic issues/problems at home if and when they flare up."
I have the biggest issues with going into my childhood stuff, never want nor feel the need to do it but lately thinking it might be a good idea...
With all the times I have been in treatment and in the hospital I have always been against it but always somehow managed to make it my main priority in treatment. I kept thinking I was always done with it because I have made it known to my parents several times, and I guess this time it is not about "them" but about me and the way that I cannot seem to deal or get past it!
The last few days have been really difficult for me because of an issue that has been weighing pretty heavy but this am got some good news and feeling like I can breathe a bit more!!!!
To answers Quint's question in my last post.....Sweets, AA is simply for me a 12 step program where one can go for support and somewhere I feel comfortable going! There are not to many groups around here that focus on ED's so that or OA (Over eaters Anonymous)are my only other choices....OA and I just do not connect, totally different crowd and they feel taking away the bad food, sugars or what ever your binge food is, is the best thing to do, and in my case I just don't agree... I need the food I binge on, they are an important part of "MY" survival, I feel these are important foods for me to face!!
Mwwwaa to you hun!
Ok this is it for now!!!!!!!
Love to you all!!! Wish me luck on a good day,,,,I really am needing the support!!!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Do my posts ever have a point?
Hiya!!!
Ha that is a bit to chipper for the mood that I am in today!
Actually I'm in a pretty good mood well, I think!
Not quite sure these days!
Not sure if it is all an act, or real, or faking,,,,,or whatever just not sure!
What I am sure of however is that I am struggling harder than I have since I went into treatment! I hate it when it comes to a point where every meal it is habit to b/p or not even b, just p!
I'm so fucking sick and tired of this!
I'm tired of feeling guilty and scared
I'm tired of this unbearable amount of anxiety that I am feeling lately and the lack of sleep I am getting due to it. I feel like I am fighting to hold onto me and someway somehow I will be able to do it, but I just don't know where when or how I will manage!
I have decided to go to an AA meeting tonight, I picked NA originally for a few reasons but there are only meeting on Monday and Friday, and I need something tonight! I know it is gonna feel weird for me at an AA meeting, it always does because I have no problem with alcohol (the only thing) but I know a meeting is a meeting no matter what.
I'm tired, and don't know why!
I went out for a bit with my roomie and another gf last night, it was ok, my roomie got wasted yet again and I just laughed! All I could do! Shit it's a Tuesday night and I gotz to work in the am!!!
Hey have to say thanks thanks thanks to my buddy Jade who even offered to go to the meeting with me tonight!!! MMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW babe!!
What an amazing world this blog world is!!!!!
Ok I feel like my head wants to explode so I'm gonna cut!
Peace out muah
Ha that is a bit to chipper for the mood that I am in today!
Actually I'm in a pretty good mood well, I think!
Not quite sure these days!
Not sure if it is all an act, or real, or faking,,,,,or whatever just not sure!
What I am sure of however is that I am struggling harder than I have since I went into treatment! I hate it when it comes to a point where every meal it is habit to b/p or not even b, just p!
I'm so fucking sick and tired of this!
I'm tired of feeling guilty and scared
I'm tired of this unbearable amount of anxiety that I am feeling lately and the lack of sleep I am getting due to it. I feel like I am fighting to hold onto me and someway somehow I will be able to do it, but I just don't know where when or how I will manage!
I have decided to go to an AA meeting tonight, I picked NA originally for a few reasons but there are only meeting on Monday and Friday, and I need something tonight! I know it is gonna feel weird for me at an AA meeting, it always does because I have no problem with alcohol (the only thing) but I know a meeting is a meeting no matter what.
I'm tired, and don't know why!
I went out for a bit with my roomie and another gf last night, it was ok, my roomie got wasted yet again and I just laughed! All I could do! Shit it's a Tuesday night and I gotz to work in the am!!!
Hey have to say thanks thanks thanks to my buddy Jade who even offered to go to the meeting with me tonight!!! MMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW babe!!
What an amazing world this blog world is!!!!!
Ok I feel like my head wants to explode so I'm gonna cut!
Peace out muah
Friday, January 18, 2008
F it!
Ok 2 post in 1 day ugh!!! This is seriously the longest day at work in forever.....I WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!! Monday is a holiday and not only do we not get paid holidays but I have to work on mine and had to fight with the head honcho to get paid holiday rate!!! So sick of it!
My body does not feel so good today, the purging is basically on a daily basis lately and not so sure why but enjoying the way my body is starting to look. sick I know. Not to worry I am still above my goal weight which sucks but is livable. Not looking forward to tonight, my roomie her kids and their dad are all going to be there.............FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK! Sometimes I hate my life!! Only good part is that they are leaving in the morning for a few days, thank god, sick of it!! I want to not stay there but I already brought it up to her and she was like "no please stay here" what's a woman to do????
My body hurts my arms and legs are aching and it is driving me nuts.
I was reading a few blogs today about self love and it has got me thinking about why it is so hard to have and hold onto the whole thought of that issue! I feel like I love myself I just hate the way I look sometimes.....ok most of the time. I wish I could meet someone who excepted me for me and not my body. I know that would not solve my "stuff" but hey it could help!
I have not taken the time to write Lisa back, maybe I should but honestly it is hard for me to even sit here and write this with how my body feels. I just want to go to bed and sleep till I can deal!
I had the worst dream about little c last night and woke up crying my eyes out!! He was kidnapped, I can HONESTLY say I have NEVER felt so helpless, sad and fuc*ing angry!!!!! If anyone ever I swear I would murder someone without a second thought! EWWWW that sounds so angry but its how I'm feeling! F it.
Loving the f word as you can tell today, just fits my mood, which I guess you can tell is not so hottie!
My body does not feel so good today, the purging is basically on a daily basis lately and not so sure why but enjoying the way my body is starting to look. sick I know. Not to worry I am still above my goal weight which sucks but is livable. Not looking forward to tonight, my roomie her kids and their dad are all going to be there.............FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK! Sometimes I hate my life!! Only good part is that they are leaving in the morning for a few days, thank god, sick of it!! I want to not stay there but I already brought it up to her and she was like "no please stay here" what's a woman to do????
My body hurts my arms and legs are aching and it is driving me nuts.
I was reading a few blogs today about self love and it has got me thinking about why it is so hard to have and hold onto the whole thought of that issue! I feel like I love myself I just hate the way I look sometimes.....ok most of the time. I wish I could meet someone who excepted me for me and not my body. I know that would not solve my "stuff" but hey it could help!
I have not taken the time to write Lisa back, maybe I should but honestly it is hard for me to even sit here and write this with how my body feels. I just want to go to bed and sleep till I can deal!
I had the worst dream about little c last night and woke up crying my eyes out!! He was kidnapped, I can HONESTLY say I have NEVER felt so helpless, sad and fuc*ing angry!!!!! If anyone ever I swear I would murder someone without a second thought! EWWWW that sounds so angry but its how I'm feeling! F it.
Loving the f word as you can tell today, just fits my mood, which I guess you can tell is not so hottie!
Random Shita
I think this is the longest I have gone in a while without leaving a post......actually it was a much needed 4 day break haha, I so have just not been in the right frame of mind to do it lately.
I swear things have been so weird for me in my head. One minute I think I'm doing the right thing and the next minute I am corrected, sometimes it feels like you are never good enough. Ya get me?????
Even sitting here I'm not sure what/if I have anything to talk about. There is this huge mind FUC& that is going on in my head and this wall that has grown to be pretty damn tall and I'm struggling with making it over to the other side. Not sure what to do. I feel like I'm starting to shut people out which is what I do when I start to feel overwhelmed with myself. I would rather play the happy card all the time and not have to face the issues that lay in front of me. I know I have to and I will when it is time for ME to face them and when I am ready to do it but until then I'm gonna sit here and make it through the way I have for the last 30 years..... I process, I talk, I feel, I laugh, I cry...I do all that shit but at times it just feels like its not quite enough and it is in those times that I am so grateful for right here right now.
Little C is great,,, had to take my quilt to the laundry mat last night because it will not fit in my washing machine so he came with me,,,,,OMG, please someone remind me to NEVER EVER do that again.... It was so not the scene in a movie where someone finds there total hottie at "Laundry World" quite the opposite actually.......It was like a daycare and my child was the only one there haha CRAZY!
SO $50 later from those damn toy and candy machines we made our way home only to be in bed so freaking early,,,,,,,seriously like 8:00. Get a life Lauren!
I'm really excited about tomorrow, I have a date with one of my gf's actually the one I joined the military with. Napa watch out here we come!!!! Love you N!!
Lots o wine and she has a 5 month old that I have only seen a few times...Such a beauty!!!! Oh wait theres a pic up to taha I'm such a goof!
Ok well sending all of you amazing weekends, hopefully you have a long one but if not take advantage of the time you do have and pamper you!!! Muah Oh and I miss you my BBBF!!!!! Muah!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Why oh why did I not find this woman sooner????
Seriously could someone be cuter???
Me and my sweet new buddy!
HaHa last beer of the night! Sorry Jade had to steel mine would not come out!!!
Ok so where to even begin???
I had the most amazing day on Sat, actually it ended up even lasting longer than I imagined it would, which was even better.
Jade and I made our sushi date and then headed over to another joint to have a few and talk...smoke....laugh.....cry(haha that was jade)wink wink!!
I was so nervous doing this meeting with her and I could not tell you why after our first hug I felt like I had known her forever and could and did tell her so much!!! Instant comfort feeling is amazing!
I honestly cannot tell you all the things that I though Jade and I would talk about, but there were tons of long stories that have been mentioned...However only a few were covered, the rest was "stuff" that just came up.... We met at 3 and I left at like midnight!!
I have not been so happy spending time with someone in so long it was a much needed break and I think it made me realize alot of things that have been going on for me!
Well Jade know you are on my mind tons today,,,keep taking and know I'm here!!! xoxo
Friday, January 11, 2008
New day New beginning
New day new time start over right?????
Well that is how I am trying to look at things today.
Had a bit of a rough time last night eating wise but made it through...I always do.
Had a wonderful thing happen today, I got to work and opened my email and to my surprise there was an email from my therapist from treatment,,,,,Lisa. I have been having so many angry feelings towards her as well as feelings of regret for being as open and honest with her that I was because I felt completely blown off by her. When I was in treatment I was more honest with her than anyone I have every met and I honestly fell in love with her not only as a person but as a friend. She helped me more than I can ever express and to feel abandoned by her is a feeling that I will never forget. I miss her so much and I miss the ability to be so honest with someone. I am as honest as I can possibly be here in this world and have made a new friend who I have also been able to open up to more than almost anyone in my life,,,you know who you are. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.
I'm really excited to because we have a date tomorrow to finally meet and that is so exciting for me. I will finally be able to give this amazing woman a hug who has helped me more in such a short period of time than I can express.
How lucky am I?
Anyways I was able to write Lisa back and filled her in on what has been going on with me, (well as much as I could) and already heard back from her. Gonna wait till Monday to reply so I can fill her in on my meeting with Jade and how my weekend went.
She told me that she still believes I should be in therapy which "I agree with" but said that she respects my decision and understands why I have chosen to not accept it at this time. She told me that no matter what she is on my side and always in my corner even if from afar.
I miss you Lisa I really do!
I hate that so much time has passed between us but I love that I have been able to get rid of the anger and neglect I have felt!
Little C and I are doing really good, he is such a gift and I am so lucky to have him as my son.. Love you bubba!
Looking at his smile right now as I write is such a wonderful feeling.
Talked to M like 2 times yesterday,, first time was because he pocket dialed me and the second was because he wanted to talk. I am happy that we can be friends but I don't know if I can honestly manage it. I feel like I have to act like this happy go lucky person and like I can not be completely true to myself with him because I am afraid he will go away again and make me feel like the weak person I once was with him and I refuse to do that again. So who knows what the deal is with that but I do know that is not in my cards and I'm happy with the current people I have chose to keep in my life.
Yippy for me tee hee!!
Anyways I'm attracted to way to many people in my life right now to even think about him in that way..plus I'm pretty sure he is somewhat seeing or talking to someone and he has made it pretty clear she is no Lauren haha poor girl hope she does not have to go through what I did. don't wish that on anyone,,ok I'm lying maybe one or two people I know. God I'm mean...
Whelp wishing all of you a wonderful weekend and love to all of you!!!
PS Hi sweet Quint, I love all of your messages and thank you for all of your support!!! muah xoxo!
Well that is how I am trying to look at things today.
Had a bit of a rough time last night eating wise but made it through...I always do.
Had a wonderful thing happen today, I got to work and opened my email and to my surprise there was an email from my therapist from treatment,,,,,Lisa. I have been having so many angry feelings towards her as well as feelings of regret for being as open and honest with her that I was because I felt completely blown off by her. When I was in treatment I was more honest with her than anyone I have every met and I honestly fell in love with her not only as a person but as a friend. She helped me more than I can ever express and to feel abandoned by her is a feeling that I will never forget. I miss her so much and I miss the ability to be so honest with someone. I am as honest as I can possibly be here in this world and have made a new friend who I have also been able to open up to more than almost anyone in my life,,,you know who you are. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.
I'm really excited to because we have a date tomorrow to finally meet and that is so exciting for me. I will finally be able to give this amazing woman a hug who has helped me more in such a short period of time than I can express.
How lucky am I?
Anyways I was able to write Lisa back and filled her in on what has been going on with me, (well as much as I could) and already heard back from her. Gonna wait till Monday to reply so I can fill her in on my meeting with Jade and how my weekend went.
She told me that she still believes I should be in therapy which "I agree with" but said that she respects my decision and understands why I have chosen to not accept it at this time. She told me that no matter what she is on my side and always in my corner even if from afar.
I miss you Lisa I really do!
I hate that so much time has passed between us but I love that I have been able to get rid of the anger and neglect I have felt!
Little C and I are doing really good, he is such a gift and I am so lucky to have him as my son.. Love you bubba!
Looking at his smile right now as I write is such a wonderful feeling.
Talked to M like 2 times yesterday,, first time was because he pocket dialed me and the second was because he wanted to talk. I am happy that we can be friends but I don't know if I can honestly manage it. I feel like I have to act like this happy go lucky person and like I can not be completely true to myself with him because I am afraid he will go away again and make me feel like the weak person I once was with him and I refuse to do that again. So who knows what the deal is with that but I do know that is not in my cards and I'm happy with the current people I have chose to keep in my life.
Yippy for me tee hee!!
Anyways I'm attracted to way to many people in my life right now to even think about him in that way..plus I'm pretty sure he is somewhat seeing or talking to someone and he has made it pretty clear she is no Lauren haha poor girl hope she does not have to go through what I did. don't wish that on anyone,,ok I'm lying maybe one or two people I know. God I'm mean...
Whelp wishing all of you a wonderful weekend and love to all of you!!!
PS Hi sweet Quint, I love all of your messages and thank you for all of your support!!! muah xoxo!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
~Lier Lier pants on fire~
Weird but I'm feeling so completely out of sorts and not sure why!!!!
Ok so I have to confess that I called M back... I know you are all thinking "What a big dumb loser Heidi is" but man I just had to...It would not leave my mind had I not called!!! I left him a message and he called me back after he got out of a class he has!
It was weird though for the first time since I met M I felt like I could actually be myself,,there was NO me trying to impress him, me trying to get him to want to be with me, me angry with him, none of that it was simply just being friends and having a check in phone call. I honestly felt great................
Ok maybe I am not being 100% honest
It did really feel like all of that when I was on the phone with him but when I got off there was a bit of another story! I missed his voice plain and simple.... He was such a shit to me in the end and I let it happen but all in all he made me laugh like no other man has ever done for me, and I miss that about him.. I guess the main good thing about this tale is that I think I am actually over this M stuff. Not in anyway did that phone call make me want to be with him. I am so much happier not checking my phone every time it goes off hoping it is him or wishing for him to call and want to see me......so much happier...Now I look forward to all of the sweet text's I get from my amazing friends...I feel safe with you!!!! Loved by you and cared about by you!
So M peace out stud!!!!! And I would love to be your friend with VERY minimal contact!!!!!! TEEHEEHEE!
Let's see body issues!! I'm ok with it today.....I think......well.....whatever for right now I am OK! Not liking how I feel in my skin very much but I'm dealing and somewhat making it through.... Had a bit of a slip today, wait what the hell does "a bit of a slip" mean?? I slipped. Look at me trying to skip out even on MY own blog!! Are you kidding me Heidi snap out of it, you do not have to hide or lie or as Jade tells me- be Lauren.... You CAN be Heidi ick even saying that makes me cringe!!!!!!!
Work...................................leave it at that, not into talking about it!
All else, well going to dindin tonight "alone" and loving it, then off for a
bit-o-wine.... CHEERS to me and all of you!!! MUAH MUAH MUAH
Ok so I have to confess that I called M back... I know you are all thinking "What a big dumb loser Heidi is" but man I just had to...It would not leave my mind had I not called!!! I left him a message and he called me back after he got out of a class he has!
It was weird though for the first time since I met M I felt like I could actually be myself,,there was NO me trying to impress him, me trying to get him to want to be with me, me angry with him, none of that it was simply just being friends and having a check in phone call. I honestly felt great................
Ok maybe I am not being 100% honest
It did really feel like all of that when I was on the phone with him but when I got off there was a bit of another story! I missed his voice plain and simple.... He was such a shit to me in the end and I let it happen but all in all he made me laugh like no other man has ever done for me, and I miss that about him.. I guess the main good thing about this tale is that I think I am actually over this M stuff. Not in anyway did that phone call make me want to be with him. I am so much happier not checking my phone every time it goes off hoping it is him or wishing for him to call and want to see me......so much happier...Now I look forward to all of the sweet text's I get from my amazing friends...I feel safe with you!!!! Loved by you and cared about by you!
So M peace out stud!!!!! And I would love to be your friend with VERY minimal contact!!!!!! TEEHEEHEE!
Let's see body issues!! I'm ok with it today.....I think......well.....whatever for right now I am OK! Not liking how I feel in my skin very much but I'm dealing and somewhat making it through.... Had a bit of a slip today, wait what the hell does "a bit of a slip" mean?? I slipped. Look at me trying to skip out even on MY own blog!! Are you kidding me Heidi snap out of it, you do not have to hide or lie or as Jade tells me- be Lauren.... You CAN be Heidi ick even saying that makes me cringe!!!!!!!
Work...................................leave it at that, not into talking about it!
All else, well going to dindin tonight "alone" and loving it, then off for a
bit-o-wine.... CHEERS to me and all of you!!! MUAH MUAH MUAH
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
A bit all over the place!!!
okOkOK I'm so confused and stressed, my roomie is a total shit on a regular basis and I feel like I give in and say sorry only because I do not have it in me to fight every fucking day with her!!! I wish so badly that I could move out but I just cannot do that to Chance again! I have been so bad with blogging and like Sole said I have been feeling really guilty about it, I don't want to feel that way because this is my outlet and that is the last thing that I should feel when I come here to my world!!!
Eating wise things have not been so great, I struggle everyday and it never feels lighter,,,ok I'm lying some days it does but days like today it just feels so heavy!!! I ate a bagel this am and nothing since, and honestly I probably will not eat anything else because I do not want to purge and I know I will if I do eat anything else! GOD GO AWAY ED GO AWAY!!!!!!!!
Lost yet another friend, however I have not exactly told her,,,, I am just so darn sick and tired of being lied to by people. I ran into a friend of mine on Sat night and well long story with him but when I saw him I was a bit tipsy and totally lost it!! I cried for like 2 hours to him and he just gave it to me he went off about how shity I had been to him and all kinds of stuff, but I guess he needed to get it off his chest as well as I needed to say what I did.
Thank you N for your honesty!!! Sometimes that is just what I need!!
Ok so I'm sitting here at work doing what I need to do and all of the sudden I look down at my phone and I had missed a call......YEP THAT'S F'ng RIGHT "M" CALLED!!!
Ugh can you believe it? I had a feeling he might this week I ran into his roomie on Sat also,,,,god that is the shity part about being in my little small town!! What to do What to do????? Do I call back do I wait errrrrrrr I hate him! I'm just not gonna do anything until I know exactly what to do, ya know?
I wish he would just go away because he keeps coming back into my life ever so slightly and totally confusing the shit out of me, just when I start being happy again!!!
Ok so got a phone call from one of my blog buddies Jade last night!! She knows me way to well already and I had been texting a friend when she called, she did not tell me she was gonna do it she just did and I had no time to even think about it!! I answered and am so freaking happy I did because she is so my new buddy,,,,,,and made me laugh and smile so much our conversation was short and sweet due to having Chance with me and it being bath time but man I tell ya, this world has brought so many amazing people into my life and it really breaks my heart every time one of you goes away but I understand it I guess sometimes enough is enough right?
Eating wise things have not been so great, I struggle everyday and it never feels lighter,,,ok I'm lying some days it does but days like today it just feels so heavy!!! I ate a bagel this am and nothing since, and honestly I probably will not eat anything else because I do not want to purge and I know I will if I do eat anything else! GOD GO AWAY ED GO AWAY!!!!!!!!
Lost yet another friend, however I have not exactly told her,,,, I am just so darn sick and tired of being lied to by people. I ran into a friend of mine on Sat night and well long story with him but when I saw him I was a bit tipsy and totally lost it!! I cried for like 2 hours to him and he just gave it to me he went off about how shity I had been to him and all kinds of stuff, but I guess he needed to get it off his chest as well as I needed to say what I did.
Thank you N for your honesty!!! Sometimes that is just what I need!!
Ok so I'm sitting here at work doing what I need to do and all of the sudden I look down at my phone and I had missed a call......YEP THAT'S F'ng RIGHT "M" CALLED!!!
Ugh can you believe it? I had a feeling he might this week I ran into his roomie on Sat also,,,,god that is the shity part about being in my little small town!! What to do What to do????? Do I call back do I wait errrrrrrr I hate him! I'm just not gonna do anything until I know exactly what to do, ya know?
I wish he would just go away because he keeps coming back into my life ever so slightly and totally confusing the shit out of me, just when I start being happy again!!!
Ok so got a phone call from one of my blog buddies Jade last night!! She knows me way to well already and I had been texting a friend when she called, she did not tell me she was gonna do it she just did and I had no time to even think about it!! I answered and am so freaking happy I did because she is so my new buddy,,,,,,and made me laugh and smile so much our conversation was short and sweet due to having Chance with me and it being bath time but man I tell ya, this world has brought so many amazing people into my life and it really breaks my heart every time one of you goes away but I understand it I guess sometimes enough is enough right?
Friday, January 4, 2008
New Years Eve a few pics!!!!
ME AND MY ROOMIE
ME "DORKO"
ME AND CAREBEAR NOT DRUNK AND MY DRUNK ROOMIE
SORRY NOT SO CLEAR HAVE TO DOUBLE CLICK!!
Here are a few pics, hated the others, well have not got them all but these are a couple that I have got!
Them shoes are the best!!!! LOVE UM!!!! HEEHEE
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Time fly's, and weird occurrences!
Jan 2 2008, man are you kidding me???
New years resolutions...........
1) Stop smoking, it's been 17 hours....AHHHHH I'm gonna and WILL do this!!!
2) Work on my ed stuff, try not to be so hard on myself,,,ugh crap, I know I will be but I will try! Was hoping to make it to the 5th at least without b/p'g but no such luck!
3) Take in all that I can from friends that I have meet, new and old!
4) Try to be more patient with Little C, shit be a better parent all the way around, he freaking deserves it that's for sure!
5) Maybe start to exercise, who knows though I am pretty damn lazy, however after seeing some pics from New Years maybe its time to start!!!
6) Not really a resolution but more of a wish or want!!! Find someone who truly makes me melt and smile!
Well that's all I guess. Had a super crazy New Years Eve,,,, well I watched one, is more like it! Things went really good for me, had a few or maybe more than a few drinks, hung with friends, laughed a lot, danced, simply put I had a good time... My roomie on the other hand will most likely be regretting what happened that night for a REALLY long time.....I have to say I can't blame her!!! Not gonna post what happened, that would just be wrong of me but I do have to say......she better be nice to me from now on or else...hahahahahahahaha (that is my evil laugh)!! God I'm so wrong for that! Taha!
Moving on.. Feeling very distant and detached from myself these last few days, not to sure why but really no wanting to face up to anything, had a weird thing happen on New Years Eve, I guess you can say I was offered a situation that I have never been offered before and it threw me for a total loop! I turned it down, but not really with a sturdy "NO", more like a "no thank you", or "ahhhhh no that probably should not happen"! God I'm lame but I have to say that I am really glad I said no because the situation would have been a bit to weird for my blood and I think the morning after is always the hardest! I have enough shit to deal with then to take on a few others bull shit!
Not really interested in finding out why I'm so detached right now because for the most part I am feeling happy and somewhat free so for now this is where I want to stay....Simple and clear, free and without pain...works for me!!
Pics to post soon from New Years eve,,,,,,well maybe I have to see them sober first!!!
New years resolutions...........
1) Stop smoking, it's been 17 hours....AHHHHH I'm gonna and WILL do this!!!
2) Work on my ed stuff, try not to be so hard on myself,,,ugh crap, I know I will be but I will try! Was hoping to make it to the 5th at least without b/p'g but no such luck!
3) Take in all that I can from friends that I have meet, new and old!
4) Try to be more patient with Little C, shit be a better parent all the way around, he freaking deserves it that's for sure!
5) Maybe start to exercise, who knows though I am pretty damn lazy, however after seeing some pics from New Years maybe its time to start!!!
6) Not really a resolution but more of a wish or want!!! Find someone who truly makes me melt and smile!
Well that's all I guess. Had a super crazy New Years Eve,,,, well I watched one, is more like it! Things went really good for me, had a few or maybe more than a few drinks, hung with friends, laughed a lot, danced, simply put I had a good time... My roomie on the other hand will most likely be regretting what happened that night for a REALLY long time.....I have to say I can't blame her!!! Not gonna post what happened, that would just be wrong of me but I do have to say......she better be nice to me from now on or else...hahahahahahahaha (that is my evil laugh)!! God I'm so wrong for that! Taha!
Moving on.. Feeling very distant and detached from myself these last few days, not to sure why but really no wanting to face up to anything, had a weird thing happen on New Years Eve, I guess you can say I was offered a situation that I have never been offered before and it threw me for a total loop! I turned it down, but not really with a sturdy "NO", more like a "no thank you", or "ahhhhh no that probably should not happen"! God I'm lame but I have to say that I am really glad I said no because the situation would have been a bit to weird for my blood and I think the morning after is always the hardest! I have enough shit to deal with then to take on a few others bull shit!
Not really interested in finding out why I'm so detached right now because for the most part I am feeling happy and somewhat free so for now this is where I want to stay....Simple and clear, free and without pain...works for me!!
Pics to post soon from New Years eve,,,,,,well maybe I have to see them sober first!!!
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