Running thoughts in your mind can be so dangerous.......
Mine seem to always have something to do with body image, eating, or simply just feeling like shita about myself.
Sometimes I wonder if true happiness is really even possible.
I was reading someones blog this am and was reading about her being in recovery and how she basically would have never started her blog had she felt that she could not help someone. I was totally inspired by her saying that and on the same hand I was totally freaked out because I write so many negative things in this blog and never NEVER would I want to be a trigger to someone let alone be someone who was not there to help others.
I have been having a hard time.
I want so badly to be honest with N and he wants that as well however I told him the other day that I will not (don't think) ever be completely honest, and that is just going to have to be something he can except or not. He was great about it and told me that he knows I will most likely lie to him about engaging but that he will be here to support me no matter what.
I cannot seem to find the space that if comfortable for me to simply begin complete recovery. I do think sometimes that I want it and other times there is no way I can imagine a day going by without a b/p episode.
Ok so I know totally off the subject but listening to the radio and they just said that Same Sex marriage is now legal here in Ca......How effing awesome is that news!!!!
Sorry I know that came from nowhere but it totally excited the hell out of me for some reason!
Well off to another bit....have a movie date with N and little C tomorrow night and really nervous about it. I told him that most likely we will not last the whole movie and he just laughed but little does he know I am TOTALLY serious!!! AHHHHHHHH my nerves are just shot!
I hate making a title for every blog because I totally suck at it!
My body is feeling really bad right now!! And to steel from Sara (TTOM) is in town, I know to much info but whatever...heehee! I was so sick yesterday and could not figure out why.....now I know! UGH! Anyways I know this sounds like a hell of a lot of whining but I seriously think I have restless leg. I have been up several times in the last six months, just walking the hallways of having to smoke a j just to freaking help me sleep.... They hurt and feel like they need to constantly need to be moving. Night time is the worst but during the day is no pleasant either. Who knows maybe I have just done so much damage to my insides that there is no other reason for this stuff......
Ok well long and boring I know but needed to ramble!
love to all of you~
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5 comments:
Wow ... so a movie date?
That's nice!
If you feel N is the one, you go for it!
If not, have the best even so but without getting hurt!
Always with same space in my heart and soul for you, little and precious friend!
hi lauren, always nice to hear from you. hope your date with N goes well!!!
(and please don't worry about being triggering, you need to write what you need to write, lovebug!)
hope you feel better, too.
love you sweet sister.
lulu
Hey sweetie,
Are you still seeing a doctor/therapist right now? It sounds like it would help to talk to someone about what a safe recovery space would feel/look like for you. Something more peaceful so your sweet body can start to heal a bit. Meds have really been helping me the last few days. I never thought I'd go on them but I got so low I figured it was worth a try.
Also, I think it would be OK to tell N that your trust was seriously betrayed in your last relationship, so right now it feels scary to be totally honest, but you hope to get there with him someday.
Hugs, and have a GREAT weekend!
DG
Hey Lauren, I hope you're doing okay. Sounds like N is a good guy. I think you will be completely honest with him if and when you start to feel completely comfortable with him. It comes with time.
I think I may have restless legs syn. too. Sometimes I just have to move them around while I'm trying to sleep, like they're twitching and hurting or something. I just HAVE to move them.
Hello my friend! It seems that in the past few weeks of my crazy ending of school you've found yourself a new love interest. Hope he's deserving of you. You're definitely someone thats got great things to give. Which is why I think you should keep blogging. You talk about realistic things that go along with the healing process. It wouldn't be beneficial for you or your readers to get some candy coated version of life...ya know?
3 more days and I will have my life back! And I will be a more regular reader and caller. I miss you and hope you know that I think about ya at least once a day, sending you out good vibes and love!
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