I'm still plucking along~~~

Hello all!!!!!!!!!!!
God it seems like forever since I have been on here. I don't even know where to begin. First off I think I shold start by saying I have been really good......tired, full, angry, sad, pissed, hopeful, stressed, and depressed all in one.
Here is some great news though....today is 27 days and no relapse>>>>Can you freaking believe it????
This program I am in is so wonderful. It has completely brought me to a whole new place in my life that I totally thought was gone forever.
I have been doing such hard work and have been so completely out of it, but thankfully to some refeeding I have been able to finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been working with a therapist who is totally AMAZING!!!! I honestly believe she is one of the the greatest gifts that I have ever received. I thank my lucky stars that I have been able to be completely honest and open with her. She has so much faith in me and makes me feel like I am worth something. She challanges me everyday and makes me own up to and face issues that I never wanted to even think about again which I think is so freaking awesome.
I did family therapy with my mom on Thurday and it was awesome, she was able to be honest with me afterwards which was so cool because for so long I have felt so disconnected to not only her who is my best friend in the world but to everyone else in my life including little C which I hate to admit but I have to. I have really been the worst mom ever these last few months and I think that only now I have been able to really see it! I have missed out on so much with him and it makes me sick to think that he could have had to grow up without not only a dad but a mom to.
I love that little man and vow now not only to myself but to all of you that I will never do what I have been doing to him again. He deserves to have a great and amazing mom and I deserve to have my little man!
Treatment this time has been so different for me. I feel like with being older and understanding things and life a bit more I have been able to do alot more work on myself and have been able to appericate the true meaning of recovery. I struggle with the temtation to engage everyday but am becoming stronger and stronger and am learning new ways of dealing all the time. I still have probable 3 or 4 weeks to go and then will probable go to a program a few nights a week after I leave this one but to be honest with you I look forward to it.
I have met some wonderful people here and have been able to remember that I am not alone in all of this, all of you are such an inspiration to me and I have talked about my blog world family more than a few times and I honestly feel that you all are one of the only reason why I made myself go through all of this (meaning treatmen)!
Huge hugs to you!
I go home on the weekends, and I cannot even beging to tell you how freaking fab it is to see my little man.... We have been having so much fun together and I have been able to finally appericate again what it mean to be a mom. I have become such a different person in the last month, its crazy!~

I get scared all the time when I think of how I could have lost EVERYTHING!!! I also get terrified when I think about how easy it is to fall back into this terrible disease. I hate and love my ed so much.
When seeing my mom this weekend she said something to me that has not left my mind and I don't think ever will. She told me that she had already decided on what she was ghoing to do if I died. She was going to take little C and move to Canada so that his father would never be able to get him. It made me sick to think that I actually had put her in a space where she was having to actually plan for my death. I love that woman so much and cannot ever imagine my life without her.
I don't think I will ever really realize how close I was to dying and that I was actually killing myself, I still have a hard time completely admitting to myself that I even have and eating disorder, it feels so not right and for some reason I just have not fully been able to connect to it!
Well its getting late here and I have to go do dinner,,,,,,ugh but I gotta do it....right???? haha I know!
I will try to post every soon, I miss all of you so much and again thank you FF so much for keeping everyone up to date, youi are an amazing friend and Im so greatful for you!!!!!
I think of you all, all the time and wish you nothing but happienss!!!!!
Please know I am well and will continue to work my ass of to try to beat this shity ED!!!!
Take care
lots of love lauren