So this morning was so terrible I cannot even begin to express what a horrible mom I feel like!
Little C drove me up the wall, I swear sometimes I want to pull out all of my hair and run and hide. He is a great amazing kid, don't get me wrong but this am like every he wakes up and seriously the first thing out of his mouth is "I WANT" weather it be juice, or cartoons or whatever, and there is never a please or thank you or good morning. Like always I gave him what he wanted "my wrong I know" and when it was time to go he threw a fit and would not get up and would not listen to anything I said. I started to yell and get angry and actually for the first time ever I raised my hand to spank him. Never did it but I never raise my hand or get that close to it. I was so mad at myself but man I did not know what to do. I hate feeling like a bad mom, and I know in my heart I'm not but to get so frustrated with him makes me feel like shit and throws me right into b/p mode. Not his fault but mine I know, because I need to start standing my ground with him more so that he gets that "I'm serious" when I say something. So much easier to just give in sometimes.
I love him so much I just don't feel like I know how to be a good mom. When I was in treatment this last year, one thing that we talked about (lisa and I) was how I felt like I did not want to be a mom at times, and just wanted to be me because it was so hard. Don't get me wrong I would NEVER trade my little man for anything but being sick and tired and alone makes it so hard sometimes. I feel like I don't even know who I am at times, and I feel like such shit for saying that because I am so lucky to even have him. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate me for feeling like this.
My head hurts really bad today and my cough is never ending. What is a single lonely mom to do with all of these feelings but b/p?
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2 comments:
Don't beat yourself up over this. Even if you did spank him, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I don't why "spanking" has become such an issue. My parents did it and it wasn't at all in an abusive way. It wasn't very frequent either. I don't actually remember then spanking me, but I remember them saying they were going to. It happens. It's ok!
Lauren, you are a great mom. The stage that Little C is going through is very normal. Little E is testing my boundaries BIG TIME these days, and I feel like I'm always getting frustrated with him. This stage will pass. Spanking is a release for the parent, and really doesn't do much in regards to the kid's behaviour other than, make him/her more violent...at least that's what I think. But man, don't get me wrong, there are many times when I imagine giving Little E a good hard spank, one that he'll never forget, and then remember how my parents were always spanking me when I was "bad" and it didn't change a thing, it just made me "badder". Don't feel guilty or bad, you did nothing wrong, and even if you had spanked him, it's all part of a normal reaction. Don't sweat it babe.
Love
Frida
XOXO
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