Disappointed in ONLY ME!!!!

I purged last night....................GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH......
No binge so I guess that is something to be proud of but damn why why why???
Sorry to be so blunt with that but I had to tell I had to get it out I had to allow myself to be forgiven....am I????
Makes me feel like why do I even try, right when I start to feel strong I fail.
Nothing like feeling like a failure at everything you do.
I have been trying to figure out why it happened and I can't and don't know where to begin.
I so wanted for this next phase of my life to be different but there I go and there that goes...
But does it have to be like that??
I don't really believe it does.
I'm really feeling uncomfortable in my body right now, seems like the only time I do not think about it as being the most horrible looking thing is when I'm with M, I wonder why that is!~
He came over last night to my moms after I put little c to bed just to give me a kiss goodnight...It felt so freaking good to have him near me even if only for a few minutes.
I'm having Chances Birthday party on Sunday and I cannot even invite him, I know it hurts his feelings but I don't know what else to do unless I decide to tell "A" what has been going on and that just makes me completely sick to my stomach... He said that he did not want to be the one to tell her because that would look like he was doing this out of spite, which I agree but how else does it come out cuz god knows I'm a bitch about it.
I hate that I have put myself in a situation where I am going to lose a friend and I'm not going to even try to justify it but saying "but" I know what I did was not the best decision in others minds but god I'm happy with him, he makes me smile, and laugh, and feel good about myself, why is that wrong and why am I not allowed to have that.....she threw him away. She lied to me time and time again and then even this weekend when we were out she lied about being angry with me, shit if your mad your mad...just get it out.
I want her to know but I'm so worried about all the drama it will create, I don't want it...I talked to M about it for a long time last night and I told him that we just have to be on the same team and support each other because it probably is not going to be pretty.. He said some things that made me feel so much better.


GOD I can totally feel my fat rolls hanging over each other ick disgusting.......
FFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Obviously I'm having so serious body issues today...

DUH Lauren,,,,read what you just wrote, where in the hell do you think all of this shit is coming from???????????????????
Feeling Guilty are we?
I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS DECISION< I REALLY DO CARE ABOUT HIM SO MUCH!! I told my mom after the wedding I was in love with him,,,,,,NEEDLESSS TO SAY I WAS DRUNK!
Im not Im not Im not Please god no!

Ok so I fell off the wagon now all I have to do is quickly close my eyes and carefully with lots of care climb back on and hold on for dear life.......

Please anyone who can spare any bit of a positive thought send it my way, I want to be strong and not fail when I have been doing this with all of my might!

Little C is wonderful although I think this am was the hardest morning we have ever had, I did not know what to do with him.....Talk about temper tantrum goodness...
I love him so freaking much!!!

Ok so Blue October just came on and I have super cool news.....They are here with Yellowcard on the 23rd of this month and my gf's boyfriend works- well designs their clothes, so guess who has Backstage passes to meet the bands>>>>>>>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Im so excited..
I asked M to come I thought he would be awesome to go with but if that falls threw I'm taking my little sista!!!

Ok well I'm done for now, I am gonna go watch "Knocked Up" in the training room, totally bored today!!!!!
Love to you all and Happy Early Birthday Paul!