My graditude cannot be expressed enough!

Thank you Thank you Thank you to all of you!! Your messages were so needed and meant more that I can ever express to you. I love you all!!!
I want to give a huge special thank you to Robert and Joe......I am so fucking lucky to have you in my life, Robert I treasure you sweetie and I have been so touched by you, it is just amazing how lucky I am.
Muah to you ALL!!!!!!

This past week I can barely remember so please bare with me.......
Im gonna share with all of you what happened when I saw my Nana last Sat. ironically enough it was the day I was so scared to see her.
I got to her house late morning, to find my mom curled up to her on her bed. My nana was pretty much unresponsive however she did see me and she did tell me that she loved me which is something I will treasure FOREVER> My mom said to me that when she saw me she smiled and that was the last time my mom saw a smile on her face. My mom walked up to me and I completely broke down, I had no idea what I was waking into going to see her that day but the way she was, was not what I had thought. She was on the morphine, and thank god for that medication because I do not think I would have been able to see her in the pain she was in before she started it.
Her body looked so little and I could not stop crying. My mom let me curl up with her and snuggle which I did for quite awhile. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her and how much little C loved her. I told her over and over that we were ok and that she did not have to worry about us, but to just relax and let us love on her. I was there for about 2 1/2 hours and then had to leave to go get little C from my dads house, which was so hard but I told my mom that I would go with her on Monday to see her. When I left the house all I could think about was her and her laying there not moving not eating, being barely responsive to anyone, it broke my heart.
God I hate doing this.......
Unfortunately Monday would not come for me.........................................FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK (me screaming)!
I HATE DEATH!(again screaming)!
I took little C to his sitters for the night and when I got home I called my nanas house to have my uncle tell her how much I loved her and he told me that she was completely unresponsive and her breathing was very shallow, which I knew what that meant.
I called my mom and she was a mess, I asked her if she wanted me with her and she said no "I just want to clean" I agreed but told her to call me if she heard anything. 15 minutes goes by and I got a call she told me she was going to my nanas and she wanted me to go with her.
Most of that car ride was surreal... and reminded me way to much of the drive to my nanas house when my aunt had killed herself.
We hit EVERY LIGHT and wouldn't you know it, even a damn train......
We got to my nanas 20 minutes after she had passed. My uncle T opened the door and grabbed me which was so good because I fell to the ground. I couldn't do this... my mom ran into my nanas bedroom and cried like nothing I have ever heard in my life. God I cannot even see what I am typing right now!
About 5 minutes went by and my uncle asked me if I wanted to see her and I said yes.
Mind you I have never even in my 8 years in the medical field seen a dead body. I walked back to her room and honestly I can't even tell you how natural it felt to run over to her and grab her hand. I hugged, kissed, and laid on her chest for 3 damn hours. 3 hours of my life that I will hold close to my heart forever. I said goodbye to her so many times, I just did not want it to end....
I still don't
how is she gone
what the fuck has happened
what is going on
what am i gonna do with out her
my heart aches so badly
The people from the mortuary came about 1 am to pick her up. My mom (the bravest woman I know) stood by her side the whole time, even when that put her in the body bag (god I hate this) my nana in a body bag......wtf?
I stayed in the hallway and tried to watch them wheel her out but all I saw was the corner of the body bag and knew it was just not possible. My mom walked out with her and her brothers right next to my nana so she would not be alone.
Her husband.....god bless him, has been so sad, when she had passed I went to hug him and tell him I loved him and he held my face and said with tears falling from his eyes...."she is not gasping anymore"
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! I cant do this anymore today!

Thank you all again I have never felt so much support.... not even from my friends whom I have known my whole life. Funny how that works!

I will try for the rest tomorrow!