30 and ready for recovery!!! (I think..I know..I think)

How did it happen? How have I come to the point in my life where I think I really do want recovery? Maybe it has to do with the excitement of turning 30 f'ng years old tomorrow and wanting to start these next 10 years off in a good way, maybe it is just a temp high that I am having (not sure why) or maybe it is because I really do want some sort of peace in my life.
Much needed and well deserved peace.
I do want this, I wish it was as simple as what I want it to be and who the hell knows maybe I can do it. It was weird, after I posted about not having b/p'd in a while yesterday I got the huge urge to do it,,,I did NOT give in to my urges and I realized before anything even happened that I was wanting it simply because I stated that I hadn't done it. My ed is so f'ng slick, but dammit I caught you yesterday so
ED FUCK YOU~~~~~~~
AND KNOW, HEAR, AND LISTEN REALLY LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY THIS......

I can beat you

I am stronger than you

I will be here for my little man

You WILL NOT take away my life anymore!!!

Now god or nana or whatever higher power that I have out there please give me the strength to follow through with my own will!

Ok now that I said that I have to give the other end of this,,,,
I'm scared
I'm weak
I'm ugly
I'm so freaking fat and that's so not with a ph
I'm selfish
I'm a bad person
I don't deserve to be healthy
I don't deserve to live my life
I think sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore.

These are the fights that I will be facing in my battle in recovery.

I have given up so much time in my life being in treatment centers, b/p'g, the hospital and therapy...... and for what?? If I don't fight this than it was all just a waste of time, and I cannot bare to think of almost 15 years of my life being wasted.

I miss my nana,,,,,,,,,,,,

I miss feeling loved by someone (although I cannot remember the last time I felt it from anyone)

I do want to eventually be married and dammit I'm sick of saying that I don't to spare others feeling and to have a bit of temporary happiness that really is not happiness because I'm lying to myself!
Not sure were that one came from but it was just there in my head all the sudden

I walked into work today only to find some of the most beautiful flowers from my boss and charge nurse, The card said "In memory of your grandmother"!
I had no idea I was going to be this sad this am,, I love those who care about me.
I do deserve to be cared about don't I???

I'm going to be pampered tomorrow, no way I'm working on my 30th, also am going to see one of my gf's that I have not seen in a few months, so damn excited about it. She knows I have been going through so much lately, and M has been a huge issue only she has no idea until tomorrow who the man is,,,,,, but anyways she sent me a text this am telling me that she IS ALWAYS here for me and will never ever judge me no matter what choices I make in my life. That was so what I needed to hear considering my roomie and I are not even speaking to each other due to M and the way that is going,I actually called her a Judgemental BITCH yesterday morning, the one thing I forgot to add was fucking selfish!! this whole thing is just not worth it,,,not like I have not known that for 2 months now!
Pull you head out of you ass Lauren,,
That is something I would kill to hear coming out of my TI's (military) mouth again,,,,,,,!!!!
Well guys I'm gonna take a few off but I will be checking in with you all,and wishing you an amazing weekend....
By the way please wish me luck in fitting my fat ass in my dress for my gf's wedding on Sat,,,I need all the help I can get!!!!