Loving someone and being in love

I really do think I fell in love with M.
Now I find myself being so confused and angry that I had to say enough and I want more. I did the worst thing last night, (god I'm embarrassed to say this) I texted him telling him I wanted to be with him one last time...........(ICK I feel to lame for saying that). Not sure if I did it because I have NEVER connected with someone on a sexual level the way I do with him and I don't want that to go away or if I said it because I don't want to let go and I hope in the back of my mind that he will not want it to end.
How stupid am I?
F Lauren don't you know you deserve more.............

No or you would not be doing this.

Ok why am I talking in 3rd party.

I hate him for making me feel like I could be "me". It's not fair. Part of me feels like I need to just not call when it comes to Thursday night and just be true to myself, but I miss him sooooooooooooooo much and I miss hearing his voice. I want to stop crying.
I'm trying my hardest to feel like I can just forget or ignore all of this, I actually called my ex from 10 years ago.....my "whatif" just so I could talk to someone who I know no matter what loves and cares about me for me. I never have to pretend to him, he listens and simply lets me "BE"
I feel like I need to just date and go out to forget but really will this help me to forget the pain I feel and the love I have for M?

Dg and Carla, thank you both so much for all of your support in this, you both mean so much to me and I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to have someone who "gets it"
I want everyone else to know how much I appreciate them as well, please no one think that their words do not count or hit home when I read them,,,,
they do!!!!

I miss M and am soo sad I just cannot even think straight.
I want to erase all that has happened, I have lost friends in this and now M, where was the benefit again?

Oh well karma is a BITCH I guess.

I feel so nasty with my body right now I want to take a pencil and stand in front of a mirror trace out the whole sick picture and erase all of the negatives which basically would leave the mirror a blank slate. How I want to love my body and how I hate it so.

I have been listening to this song on my Blue October CD over and over and over and now I'm at the point where I want to fucking brake it and stomp on it and put it in the disposal, I'm hating that one of my favorite bands now only reminds me of M. after taking him to meet them,errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fucking men. will it ever happen for me? I'm sick and tired of the single life, and not having someone to share myself with, but at the same time I would feel sorry for any guy who has to deal with me! I'm tired of being alone, in the last 12 years I have had two serious relationships, one with my "whatif corey" and the other with my sons father and really 5 of those years have been single. I miss being with someone who I want to be with longer than for sex, sorry so blunt but whatever......M was the first person in 4 years I really wanted to spend time with!
I'm sick of my body..................................................
Sick and tired
Sick and tired and angry with my body
I just want to explode over and over and over,
I ate a bagel this am and feel sick about it, I hate carbs, they are so damn scary and the thought of it sitting in me when I have just lost 5 lbs getting off the pill makes me angry, because I know my body and if I stick to protein I'm fine but once I step outside the box I'm fucked!
Fucked Fucked Fucked!



"Sorry for the foul mouth today"