I
Me
Myself
All about me right? No not right.
My feelings are important............that is what I want to believe, I want to feel that I can trust in my feeling and when I question them it makes me feel like they are bullshit and not worth anything, meaning they are not real, to me they are though.
Had a bit of a rough night in a selfish way though.
Situation.......my roomie and her twins father have been going thru the whole child support thing and the court order just came thru for her. I'm really happy for her really I am but at the same time I'm sick to my stomach about it. I feel that those boys deserve everything and so that is the reason why I feel like poo because I'm pissed, I'm pissed that my sons father is over $12,000 in debt in child support and that I will never see a fucking penny of it. I'm pissed that I bust my ass off day in and day out and Sam does not give a fuck about his son, I'm pissed that financially I never thought I would be in the situation I am in. I'm pissed that every holiday and every birthday I become extremely stressed because I have no idea how I'm going to afford everything, when I want to give him everything he deserves.
Simply I'm pissed! I'm stressed that Christmas is coming so quickly and I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off this year. Bills just keep coming.
Can someone cut me some fucking slack please!
Ok
so
now
it
is time............
I have been completely avoiding talking about this because I have been really scared about how to bring it up.
I have to say this first to Carla.........sweetie I treasure you.
I have been luckily in my mind to have had so many things come up for me in the last few weeks that have made my situation "non available" to meet Carla, But things seem to be calming down the next two weeks and I'm deathly scared to meet. I hate how I look and how much weight I have gained I cannot even bare the thought that I am bulimic and look like a fat ass, I have never been the bulimic who has been a normal weight woman it has ALWAYS been the underweight bulimic anorexic.
I'm scared not of judgement from anyone but the.................FUCK I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I hate my weight and I'm scared of Carla or anyone else seeing it on me. I want so deeply to have these connections with anyone I can and I feel like I'm losing that chance by being afraid of what someone will think when they see me. I hate writing this because I don't want anyone to think that I feel or ever have felt judgement from anyone because I have not I'm just embarrassed nothing more nothing less!! God maybe M is right, I do sabotage relationships
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8 comments:
hi love,
1. it is totally unfair that your baby's dad can't and won't help you out. you are working so hard to take care of him and yourself. I admire you for that, and at the same time I don't wish it for you. I wish it would be more fair. (and I think anyone, ANYONE who is honest, would feel jealous just like you describe.
2. it is extremely scary to meet people in person who know what we struggle with and worry about how they will perceive our bodies! scary! and it really is up to you whether or not you want to meet anyone. it really is. and lauren, just so you know, if I were to meet you I wouldn't be assessing your body (honestly I'd probably be pretty worried about my own). Mostly though, I'd be excited to connect with you in person and experience you in real life.
I'm sorry I am not commenting more regularly--I hope you can remember and believe that you're in my heart, even when I don't type the words to show it.
much love,
ae
You will never lose my friendship unless you choose to walk away from me.
And all the things you are thinking about yourself (first off aren't true - I've seen pictures) and second, we all think the same things about ourselves.
Do you not think I was nervous when I first went to meet EJ? Hell, I had the nervous belly going and I was stressing over my hair, what I was going to wear, what I was gonna say, how I was going to greet her, etc. BUT, I wouldn't change going to meet her for anything. She is an amazing person and I am a better person merely for having her in my life.
I love you, sweetie. Nothing will change that. I don't care about your weight (as long as you are safe)...I care about YOU. And you are more than a number.
When you're ready to meet me face to face, you know where I am. I won't push you anymore. But like I said, you won't lose my friendship over this.
Hi honey. I understand. Oh, do I understand. I wish I could hug you right now. I have the same fears. I know there are some of our blogger friends near me but I can't bear to meet up for that very reason.
I love you.
xoxo
Sarah
You have every right to feel pissed about his dad not owning up to his responsibility. Every right. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings.
I totally understand your fears but I know you'll be so blessed about meeting Carla. If there is one thing I think we all do well here, is cherish each other for what really matters. Believe it, hon.
ae- first off hun I love you and I love this message, I want you to know more than anything that I never think anything bad about you not commenting to me or there being delays, that is so not what this is about, I wish so much that we were closer and could have coffee or chocolate, hehe!!!
I know you are here for me and I hope you know I am here for you ALWAYS!!
love lauren
Sarah, it sux and I wish it was different but I just simply know it will take time, I wish you were near me too!!
I love you sister!!
Sewwt sweet Carla, please do not EVER feel that you are pushing me because YOU SO ARE NOT!!!
I treasure you so much and cannot wait to meet you I just had to tell you where I was at, I know you would "get it" and not judge, that is who you are and I know that more than anything. I want to meet I so want that, I have Church at 11 on Sunday but if you are free I would love to hook up after that!!!
Love you sweetie
Tell me when and where and I'll be there. You know how to get a hold of me. And if you change your mind, I'll understand that, too. :)
Lauren, I, for one, would love to meet you! I think most people would as well. Weight has nothing to do with it. Do we "like" skinny people better just bc they're skinny? Not really when it comes to friends.
And I am right there with you on feeling FAT. My tummy got so fat and bloated from not b/p for three days. But your weight will go up and down throughout life. We have to be comfortable with ourself first I think, I just don't know how.
Hi Lauren, long time, no see! Sorry.
Are you having some bad time still? Why? Because of the looks of you? Forget it, girl.
If anyone is found of you, loves you, or your friend they won't be caring if you have a little big ass, no hair, one eye, beard and moustache...
And just between you and me, the photo I saw of yours with a friend tells me you have everything in it's place, you are a cute girl and a wonderful friend. So, if I feel and see that here in Portugal (a major dire straits, mind you), sure everyone round you can see it too.
By the way, throw all the damn mirrors away if that helps you.
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