Deleted!

Ok it's gone, and I feel like I can breathe a bit more!

Sitting here at work today I'm feeling a bit, I don't know confused maybe. I just had somewhat of a not so great episode, and when it was over I was of course washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and was totally disgusted. I did not even know who I was looking at. I braided my hair last night and it totally looks like a fro and the circle's around my eyes are so dark. I look not good, I look ugly. I hate these "ugly days" they are so difficult, when nothing looks good, hair, face, clothes, nothing. I think I am pms'g sorry I know to much info but I think I am. My tummy hurts and I want to eat something and not feel the urge to purge.
I have to get back on track, I cannot go down this road of constant binge and purging, it is helpful to no one.
I cannot do this shit to little C again. He deserves such a better mom than me. He really does.
I want so much for him and I feel like I am never going to be able to give it to him, emotionally, financially, spiritually, I feel like I am the worst mom ever. I don't want it to be like that.
I want him to have such a full and happy life, full of all the wonderful and exciting things that I never had, the things that I always promised him he would have.
The question here really is how am I going to be able to do it?

I find myself pushing people away and ignoring things I should not and that is what I do when I start to cycle out of control.
STOP HEIDI STOP!

I know it is real when I actually use my "real" name on this page!

I wish I felt sad, maybe that would help me realize what I need to do with these issues more but the truth is I don't I don't feel anything but guilt and that can be blocked by purging, well for the time being.
I think I'm getting bronchitis..........my chest is so tight and I am coughing the worst cough ever!
hack hack hack!!!!!!!

I have been trying for the last few days to figure out what I need to do to get my sons last name dropped off of his birth certificate and it is the biggest pain in the ass to get a hold of anyone in records, I have the paperwork but do not want to send it in until I can ask some questions about it.
A few weeks ago I heard from Sam his sperm donor and he said that he wanted to be in C's life but have not heard from him since, not even on Thanksgiving. Nothing new I guess I should have figured he would do this shit again but I wanted to be open and give him the benefit of the doubt.....my bad. SO 2 days ago I got a hold of his friend and told him to please tell Sam that he blew it for the last time and to NEVER contact me again. I said that until little C is of the age to decide he will have nothing to do with him. I swear he must have been all cracked out to have even gotten a hold of me after 2 years and then go away again!
I don't even feel bad about it. I have decided that I am going to go file for full custody of him. I have never done it before because the guy at the court house told me that if I file I could end up owing him child support if I made more and that he would get some form of custody unless he was living in a box on the street, which as far as I know he basically is, does a van on the street count? I called on my child support the other day and they told me that the case was still open and that he has had a few jobs in the last 2 years but that he quits them before they can take any money out!
FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to just get over it, I mean I don't hate him anymore but I hate that he does not want to clean up his life and even take a chance in knowing my little man!!!!
Who does that???
I ask that question all the time and never get an answer!
Well that's enough for now!!
Is it FRIDAY YET?