Happy Freaking HallowFAT Day to me!!!!

Ok it is official...I'm fat, ugly, and repulsive....I am so disgusted with my body I can barely stand living in it. I got on the scale and I am at my highest weight without being prego ever. I am scary to even look at. Never have I been so freaking fat. Why in the hell did I get on the scale today. God it sure is a SCARY DAY!

I'm done

I'm done, I'm finished, I'm over it.............................
I realized I have spent so much time and so much energy on A that it was getting nowhere other than putting so much shit on me and M and I have been doing nothing but second guessing him since. It's not fair to him or me and until he proves me wrong which who knows if he will but I just need to stop the "madness" and move forward..
I had a really nice weekend, went to dinner with M on Friday, had a really great time other than when I went to the bathroom after to fresh in up and when I came out I got a few dirty looks from him and a kiss to figure out if I had gotten sick (which I had not) it was a bit weird because I'm not used to answering to ANYONE especially a man when it comes to my ed.
I have been doing really good as far as the b/p'ng had a bit of an episode on Sat night but other than than all has been ok even though I have been eating till I get full which is not something that I am used to doing. I guess you could say I'm dealing.
Had a bit of a pain in my ass day yesterday, took little C to the park and had my car key fall off my key chain. I could not find it anywhere so I had my roomie come get me and taken me to my moms, which was a pain but had to be done considering I was stranded. I got to my moms and found out by AAA that I had no luck in finding a lock smith in my town which totally sucked, AAA told me I had to go threw a residential company and they would pay $100 of it but when I called them the want 300 which I just could not afford, so I decided to have my car towed this am to the dealer ship and have them look my vin number. HOWEVER I got a phone call from M at like 8:30 last night and he was at the park with a flashlight looking for my keys, and guess what.....He found them. How sweet was that? Ugh I hate feeling venerable which is what I totally feel with him. How do I let my guard down and allow him in completely? I guess it will or won't come with time. All I know is what he did last night was so important to me and I can honestly say that no man that I have been with would have done that for me.
Little C is doing really great, my little stinky although he has learned the whold firend that and keeps tell me,"I not your friend momma, I Mickie's friends" totally hurts my feeling but I just tell him "Well your my friend weather you like it or not" haha I wear the pants in that relationship!!!
Sat and Sunday were pretty quiet, I was going to go out with my gf's but I decided that it just may not be a great idea all things considered I think I need to lay low for a bit!!!
Thank all of you for the invite requests it feels really good to know that others are interested in reading about me and my bull, sorry it has been so much lately my head has just been crazy full of crap!!
Interesting story............my roomie who has been so judgemental with everything going on with me, has just started seeing a married man...........WTF, at least M is in the final stages of his divorce, this guy is married, has a 1 1/2 year old and a with who is 8 weeks prego. I had not advice and no judgement to give, its just so odd to me that she could be so critical of me when I know for a fact if I was to come at her about something like this she would so go off on me! One sided judgemental person. I would never judge her just odd how she can do it so easily to me! Oh well people are different I guess.
I hope you all have had a great weekend,I have something I need to talk about but not ready....big surprise huh!!!! Not bad just feeling a bit scared!!!

It just keeps getting worse

Im so glad I made this blog private because she is making me crazy, Now she went onto myspace and sent the letter out to all my friends there. I could not deal anymore and I called her, it was not pretty, I have let all this other shit slip but that was the last straw, basically I told her I will file harassment charges if she did not stop. We yelled at each other, cried and got out somewhat of what we needed to say. Not sure where I am at with it all but we were on the phone for like 70 minutes. mostly yelling. I know she is hurt but I just kept saying this was between us not all of our friends, she stated she needed support and I get that but not by putting me under the bus with my friends.. not cool and so 12 years old.
She and two of our friends called M's roommates gf and pulled the same shit on her, wtf, leave others alone!!! My mom and M and I were out lastnight when this all went down, it needed to, they both were very supportive to me and M just kept telling me that I owe her nothing else and I freaking don't. I know in my heart I did this for me, not M not A not anyone else but me and that is why when I say whatever happens with M happens because I really feel that I HAD to do this I had to be honest I had not live the lie anymore, I have lied enough in my life with my ed and this is something I just wont do.

I have 15 min to post this so might be pretty quick!!!
I have been called EVERY name in the book, treated like shit for being bulimic, (bitch can't even spell it) threatened, haressed, I had to block her from my email and today told her that if she does not quit I will press charges. This is PATHETIC!! My god are you kidding me.
At first I was willing to deal with it, to listen to what she said, to simply take it because I was in the wrong, but god I have to draw the damn line somewhere don't I? How many times can someone be called a whore, she keeps telling me how pathetic I am because he has only been with me for the last 2 months to get to her, god AMY SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Don't get me wrong guys I know what I did was not right in the "Golden Book Of Girlfriend Rules" but am I wrong in refusing to take anymore?
Honestly I have been so scared about something happening to my car.
She keeps saying I wash my hands of you and then sends another fucked up message.
The only way I could get he to zip it was that I said if she did not leave me alone I was going to call her boyfriend and tell her that she cheated on him with my brother, may be wrong and trust me I would never do it but if it takes me saying that then by god I'm gonna do it. I reminded her that blood was thicker than water and she needs to quit.
M came to my work and took me to lunch today, it was great to see him since all on this shit has happened I have not been able to, he just wanted to reassure me that I did the right thing.
I'm not stupid I know that maybe I could be the dumbest asshole alive for thinking that M would never not go threw me to get to her but I'm not going to blame him for something that he has not done to me. Wrong?????
Eating has been so horrible since all of this, I forced chicken salad down my mouth at lunch just so M knew that I was eating but I just want to vomit and then curl up.
Its amazing I never thoght someone would be as horrible and say the things she has said but wow it's out there. I need to look out for me now right?? For little C he is the most important, she brought up his name yesterday saying what do you think he is going to marry you or take care of you and little c, needless to say I went off and told her that I have and never would bring up her daughters name and she WILL not involve my son. Her only defence is her daughter and she uses her in this and in situations with M its so sad. Well I have to lock up the clinic now but such love to you all, ae Im thinking about you and you are so in my heart and ff babe where is that little one already, I cant wait!!!
Love you

Hey Guys

I have decided I want to make my blog private for a while due to the non stop harassment I am receiving, I just do not want to risk her CRAZY ass seeing my blog, however I have no freaking clue how to do it!! HELP!! FAST!! If you want an invite PLEASE send me an email at schunzelh@wellbound.com.....
I'm ok just need to be anonymous for a bit!!! Thank all of you so much for your support, I never thought she could be so f'ng NUTS!

part 3

I told her I could not believe she brought my sickness into this and this is my responce,,,, I have not and will not respond anymore!
I feel like shit!


How do you expect me to respond? Are you insane? Like I would be happy for you? Why don't you stand in my shoes for a minute and think about that, what you did to me. Why don't you try that before getting all defensive about your wrong doing. Why don't you think about what kind of person you really are before you start snapping back at me and think about why on earth I would be upset. I will never forgive you for this, either one of you. And it's sad because no matter what I have to have M in my life because of little A and this has just made things worse. Thanks for that to both of you. You can listen to every bullshit line he has and be a sucker in believing it, that is your problem but just remember this...you just met him and I have known him for 10 years...just don't think that I will ever be there for you when you need it, and one day you probably will. Who is going to congratulate you on this thing you have done? Did you not think about my daughter in this situation, how do you think she will react knowing you, her mommy's friend, is with her daddy now? Are you kidding me? Thanks for that too. Oh, and don't worry...all your secrets are safe with me the same as mine were with you...wait, I'm not like you so I won't tell regardless of anything you have done to me. I'm better than that and will continue to be. I just wanted to let you know how much you hurt me with this but you were too selfish to care. And I just want you to know I was always a friend to you and would never do something to hurt you like this. and I was always supportive of you during your hard times but not anymore. I'm done and wash my hands of you. All I ask is you to not be around little A as I know how you go through guys, get bored with them so easily and I will not have her thinking your going to be around then you are gone. Do not do that to her. And stay away from me and out of my life.

Follow up

I told her I was no whore and she wrote this:

"U sure are. Backstabbing bitch. don't think that this will ever be okay or you will ever be allowed around little A with your bulemic pill popping habbits you sick coward. You told everything to him, I would never have done this to you, never."

Yellowcard and Blue October, A

Oh my god...............the most amazing concert ever last night!! If any of you have never heard Yellowcare I def recommend them! My gf that I went with is good friends with the drummer who if freaking unbelieveable by the way and so I got to meet the band and hang in the tour bus, soooooooooooooo fun!
Blue October is by far one of my most favorite bands and god are they amazing to watch perform. It was such a good thing for me to get out and go, I soo needed it. M came as well and we had a great time, I have never been one for going to concerts with a man but I just felt so strongly about him coming and we had an awesome time.

Moving on.................

A and M had court yesterday and a few things happened, they had a conversation about the guy she has been dating and the issue of my brother came up, if I have not mentioned this before A and my brother went out a few times, anyways she went on and on about how she could have him anytime she wanted and the truth of the matter is my brother has a gf now and could give 2 shits less about her, which makes me laugh because of what we tell ourselves and others to make us feel better about ourselves.
Anyways I wrote a letter to send to A 2 days ago and was going to send it to her this week however due to a text message I received from her last night I sent it this am. She sent me a message asking me "Why their daughters father was asking about my brother"? I did not respond so about 20 min later I got one that said "Whatever, just shows me whats what...Thanks"!
I still did not respond because of a few reasons, 1 being that I was on my way to the concert and was with my friends and was not willing to deal at that perticular moment and 2 I had no fucking idea what to say.
So I decided to go on with my night and have a great time. I don't think it was the right time to go into all of that anyways.

PAUSE!!!!!!
I just checked my email and this is the response I got from A.


GO TO HELL

This letter makes me sick and you make me sick. Feel you on that? You are sick and twisted and told him everything I trusted you with. Happy now? Screw you and that crap you cant help who your with. It's bullshit. Have fun screwing him whore. I can't believe you, after everything you know I went through with him and you are going to believe this is okay? I'm sure you two will enjoy talking about this next...sick!
Ok I cannot even finish this right now!

Happy Friendaversary

I love you E!!!!! Thank you for your UNCONDITIONAL Support and Love ALWAYS!!!!

The countdown begins!

Hard night but a really great one too, went to the movies with M and had a great time, saw that Marky Mark Eva Melendez movie I can't remember what it is called but really good, sort of shity ending though. First 30 seconds best part haha.
Gotta see it to know what I'm talking about.
After the movie M and I decided to go have a drink at my favorite hole in the wall bar in our town, crazy idea but we just felt like it was ok and as it turns out.....it was.
We had a really long talk about A and how I was feeling about the thought of hurting her and he basically told me that I had til next Wed to tell her and if I didn't he was going to.....he said he cannot stand to see me going threw this anymore. It felt good to hear that but I know what I need to do.
In response to the comments about how I feel about A and my friendship is that I have known her for 1 1/2 years and honestly I do love her but I have felt nothing but drained by her for about a year of that. Always about A honestly I can think of 1 time when she has asked what was going on with me 1 time, what is that? She has been with her boyfriend for that whole time as well as up til the beginning of this year leading M on making him think he still had a chance at his marriage when all along she was lying to me about everything that was going on as well as lying and being a total dick tease to both her boyfriend and M, over and over and over even though M was dating someone else on and off. SO in response yes I care but I also know this has not been the most healthy friendship. I get scared that to be a bitch if she found out she will pull some bs about custody over their daughter or that she will get so pissed at me that she will try to get back with him to prove she can, who knows what would happen I would like to think that M would not do it but the fear is there, so the needy pathetic part of me wants to wait until the divorce is final so that I wont have to deal with something like that, god I hate feeling!!!

I cannot get this stupid smile off my face, thinking of you often,! that is the message I got from M this am and the funny thing is I feel the exact same way.

Not sure of the point behind this post but I think to be honest with you I felt the need to defend myself......GOD why would I feel like that? My mom told me this am that no one deserves to be happy like little C and I do and dammit I want to believe that so much!

10. What would you do if your friend went out with your ex?

Ok so this is a question I just received from a e-mail with a bunch of questions and the truly sad part is I cannot answer it because I SUCK!

Reality is just what I do not want to face!

Not sure why I'm feeling ok and feeling so many urges to b/p, but to be honest with you I'm really not caring about it. I want it and I give in, why?......I have no clue I just am and I just do. Every night that has been my routine when I get home from work, binge and purge, binge and purge, binge and purge.....I'm feeling pretty numb right now, my stress level is pretty high up and feeling the complete anxiety of the reality that I have to tell A what is and has been going on and I just don't want to....I want to cop out and write a letter or send and email so that I can get it all out but god knows that is not the right thing to do at all. However neither is what I have been doing to her, I need to realize that this thing whatever it is with M is not about her its about me.....for once dammit its about me.
I still cannot figure out how I'm going to ask her to meet me, where do I do it, what do I say, how do I say it, how do I deal with the reaction I will be getting (which I know will be terrible) but I deserve it to be nothing less!
M told me again that he would do it but that just does not feel right, however neither does me telling her!
So many people are going to be angry with me over this, god knows how I'm going to be able to show my face in town. SMALL TOWN!!!!!!!!! VERY SMALL TOWN!! Hey Carla wanna come with me..haha I know that's terrible but god I seriously need people who care about me for me and not for things I have done! Although not intentional how do you help who you care about?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Could not come up with a better title than that!
GRRRRRRRR I so what I'm feeling. I just feel annoyed and frustrated today.
The weekend went really well, Friday date was nice and Sat was pretty kicked back other than cleaning and shopping all day for little C's party which by the way turned out awesome!!!!!
I can not remember the last time I was so stressed out when doing a party, however was able to keep my cool when it came to others figuring it out!~
There were about 30 people who showed up and he totally made out, bike, razor scooter, to many "cars" toys, clothes, more toys, movies, books, my god where am I going to put it all?
Needless to say I'm very ready for payday after paying for this thing.....ALONE at that. Oh and that reminds me, not that I really thought it would happen but I was really pissed that his dad (sperm donor) never called at all. FUCK YOU SAM!
Ugh sorry, but that is one name I could care less about getting out, I almost want to give the last name just so that if anyone out there ever comes into contact not that it would ever happen but if it did they would be forewarned on what a effing looser he is!
Ok enough of that.
I'm missing my Nana so much today, and I wish I could go see her. I need her love and support right now. My mom has been dealing with so much lately and I feel like I cannot do anything to help, I just want my family to be ok and I know that there is nothing I can do to make that happen.
Why can't I just save everyone?? Being a Libra sucks sometimes. I cannot even help myself so how could I help anyone else? Make sense?
I'm so tired and I have slept more in the last 2 days than I have in months, I was in bed at 8:30 last night, that NEVER happens.
So last night I came home and hung with my roomie she was really upset and I just wanted to be there for her, I kinda blew off M on the phone because I really wanted to talk to her and don't know if it was weird or not, actually I really don't care right now!
Things have been really good with him but I hate saying that because I feel like I screw it up when I do.
Feelings today:
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Angry
Excited
Tired
Pathetic
Very over weight
Ugly
SO Ugly I hate these days!
So white (I think I only get that one)
Mostly my stomach just hurts
I had a really bad night with the B/P'g
I cannot even thing about what I ate and how many purging episodes I had. I try after I binge to think of all of you and how many times others have been able to sit with and threw there uncomfortable feelings of being full and I cannot do it, not matter how hard I try I just can never do it.....Pisses me off.
My nerves are still shot and feeling more and more like a shity person and friend everyday because A and I have been in more contact. When she showed up to little C's party the first thing she did was to talks shit about M and I had to change the subject because I just could not deal, I felt terrible about it but it was my sons birthday party and not her day to whine, so I hope I did the right thing.....
Well work is crazy this week but I wanted to let you know that I check in ever sec I get!! Miss all of you
love Lauren

To be Selfish..Why is it not ok??

Not a whole lot better today, slipped up yet again last night and actually did not even think twice about doing it. I just needed to vent and sometimes that is the only way that I know how to do it!
Pathetic I know
So many of you have been so sweet to me and I just wanted to say thank you, the private e-mails have also been so amazing, thank you (you know who you are)!
I want to sleep I'm so overwhelmed at work right now, my boss and everyone else is throwing shit at me from every direction, I swear I do not get paid enough to do this shit. Nursing school hurry up already.
Its weird when I was done posting yesterday all I could think about was the fact that I had no right to complain the way I did, I read so many others posts and I just feel ridiculous even whining about my shit when I see what you all are dealing with.
I was telling someone today that I just want to be selfish and really I do I cannot stand always worrying about everyone else, I feel like I never REALLY focus on ME, and I hate that, worst part is I cannot even type that without feeling like total shit about wanting to take care of myself. Little C and I that's what really matters.
This weekend I know is going to be completely crazy, I'm seeing M tonight-(so excited) and the tomorrow supposed to do a 4 years old b-day but thinking I'm going to totally flake, Little C's party is Sunday and I feel like I have no time to do anything. THIS IS WHEN I HAT BEING A SINGLE MOM~ I get to do it all by myself and its fucking hard!!!
He deserves the best in everything!!!
That should be my concern not me!
I hate me for thinking otherwise!!
Again why can't I disappear?

Im sorry

My stomach is totally knots,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I want to leave town
I want to run away
I want to crawl into a hole
I want to vomit
I want to cry
I want to ignore
I want to disappear

I don't want to deal that's for sure!
I'm so uncomfortable
I don't want to vent
I'm tired of putting my shit off on other people
ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm physically feeling the effects of stress on my body, and I don't know what to do!!

Disappointed in ONLY ME!!!!

I purged last night....................GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH......
No binge so I guess that is something to be proud of but damn why why why???
Sorry to be so blunt with that but I had to tell I had to get it out I had to allow myself to be forgiven....am I????
Makes me feel like why do I even try, right when I start to feel strong I fail.
Nothing like feeling like a failure at everything you do.
I have been trying to figure out why it happened and I can't and don't know where to begin.
I so wanted for this next phase of my life to be different but there I go and there that goes...
But does it have to be like that??
I don't really believe it does.
I'm really feeling uncomfortable in my body right now, seems like the only time I do not think about it as being the most horrible looking thing is when I'm with M, I wonder why that is!~
He came over last night to my moms after I put little c to bed just to give me a kiss goodnight...It felt so freaking good to have him near me even if only for a few minutes.
I'm having Chances Birthday party on Sunday and I cannot even invite him, I know it hurts his feelings but I don't know what else to do unless I decide to tell "A" what has been going on and that just makes me completely sick to my stomach... He said that he did not want to be the one to tell her because that would look like he was doing this out of spite, which I agree but how else does it come out cuz god knows I'm a bitch about it.
I hate that I have put myself in a situation where I am going to lose a friend and I'm not going to even try to justify it but saying "but" I know what I did was not the best decision in others minds but god I'm happy with him, he makes me smile, and laugh, and feel good about myself, why is that wrong and why am I not allowed to have that.....she threw him away. She lied to me time and time again and then even this weekend when we were out she lied about being angry with me, shit if your mad your mad...just get it out.
I want her to know but I'm so worried about all the drama it will create, I don't want it...I talked to M about it for a long time last night and I told him that we just have to be on the same team and support each other because it probably is not going to be pretty.. He said some things that made me feel so much better.


GOD I can totally feel my fat rolls hanging over each other ick disgusting.......
FFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Obviously I'm having so serious body issues today...

DUH Lauren,,,,read what you just wrote, where in the hell do you think all of this shit is coming from???????????????????
Feeling Guilty are we?
I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS DECISION< I REALLY DO CARE ABOUT HIM SO MUCH!! I told my mom after the wedding I was in love with him,,,,,,NEEDLESSS TO SAY I WAS DRUNK!
Im not Im not Im not Please god no!

Ok so I fell off the wagon now all I have to do is quickly close my eyes and carefully with lots of care climb back on and hold on for dear life.......

Please anyone who can spare any bit of a positive thought send it my way, I want to be strong and not fail when I have been doing this with all of my might!

Little C is wonderful although I think this am was the hardest morning we have ever had, I did not know what to do with him.....Talk about temper tantrum goodness...
I love him so freaking much!!!

Ok so Blue October just came on and I have super cool news.....They are here with Yellowcard on the 23rd of this month and my gf's boyfriend works- well designs their clothes, so guess who has Backstage passes to meet the bands>>>>>>>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Im so excited..
I asked M to come I thought he would be awesome to go with but if that falls threw I'm taking my little sista!!!

Ok well I'm done for now, I am gonna go watch "Knocked Up" in the training room, totally bored today!!!!!
Love to you all and Happy Early Birthday Paul!

Just the beginning to Little C's Birthday Week!! "It's all about the Baskin Robbins Ice-Cream Cake"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? HOW IS MY BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY 3YRS OLD ALREADY???

~HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU....HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE LITTLE Ceeeeeeeeeeeee.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~~~
I LOVE YOU SWEET BOY~
Love Mommy!!
God I'm grateful for you!

Such a Drama but fun filled night~!

I had to double click on it to make sure....haha

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Not tons to tell about my B-Day was lots of laughs and many awkward moments but all in all I had a great time oh and many many shots and singing which was def a sight to see and HEAR!~!.
Dealt with the drama of a few of my friends which was a bit lame because it all had to do with their boyfriends and that bugged the heck out of me however I tried to understand the deal. Just was hard because I did not get to spend it with M when other than my mom and gf E being with me I just wanted him there. M's ex was one of the girls who came out with me and the one who caused the most drama for me and herself, she acted like she was 6 years old, asking me to talk to her boyfriend for her over and over and then getting mad at me for talking to him......God grow up!
I spent Sat night after the wedding and Sunday afternoon and night with M which was amazing,,,,, We are actually going out on a REAL date on Friday,,,,I cannot wait, I'm so tired of hiding......
One pic I posted is of me and my gf and my mom....I had to share....my momma is f'ng amazing and the most beautiful woman in the world to me!

No b/p'ng all weekends actually had a bit of a hard time but managed to control and calm myself down, I have been listening to a CD that I got from Robert when my nana passed and it really helps.
I felt like a total tubby on Friday and Sat at the wedding but "who gives a shit"? Right?????? Ugh now all I have to do is believe it myself!!! hahaha! Today's a new day..... I had an ok time with my sadness about my nana this weekend however had a few breakdowns,,,, day by day I guess....just like everything else in my life!!!!
Tomorrow is my little mans BDay,,he will be 3y/o how in the heck did that happen???? CRAZY!!!!!! We are doing dinner out and prezzies and cake with my mom then he has a party on Sunday...please pray for it not to rain for me!!!!!!!!!!
Ok I'm tired and so full from my daily dose of tuna I think I'm going to pop!!!!
Love you all and thank you for the amazing birthday wishes!!!!!
xoxoxo
Lauren

30 and ready for recovery!!! (I think..I know..I think)

How did it happen? How have I come to the point in my life where I think I really do want recovery? Maybe it has to do with the excitement of turning 30 f'ng years old tomorrow and wanting to start these next 10 years off in a good way, maybe it is just a temp high that I am having (not sure why) or maybe it is because I really do want some sort of peace in my life.
Much needed and well deserved peace.
I do want this, I wish it was as simple as what I want it to be and who the hell knows maybe I can do it. It was weird, after I posted about not having b/p'd in a while yesterday I got the huge urge to do it,,,I did NOT give in to my urges and I realized before anything even happened that I was wanting it simply because I stated that I hadn't done it. My ed is so f'ng slick, but dammit I caught you yesterday so
ED FUCK YOU~~~~~~~
AND KNOW, HEAR, AND LISTEN REALLY LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY THIS......

I can beat you

I am stronger than you

I will be here for my little man

You WILL NOT take away my life anymore!!!

Now god or nana or whatever higher power that I have out there please give me the strength to follow through with my own will!

Ok now that I said that I have to give the other end of this,,,,
I'm scared
I'm weak
I'm ugly
I'm so freaking fat and that's so not with a ph
I'm selfish
I'm a bad person
I don't deserve to be healthy
I don't deserve to live my life
I think sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore.

These are the fights that I will be facing in my battle in recovery.

I have given up so much time in my life being in treatment centers, b/p'g, the hospital and therapy...... and for what?? If I don't fight this than it was all just a waste of time, and I cannot bare to think of almost 15 years of my life being wasted.

I miss my nana,,,,,,,,,,,,

I miss feeling loved by someone (although I cannot remember the last time I felt it from anyone)

I do want to eventually be married and dammit I'm sick of saying that I don't to spare others feeling and to have a bit of temporary happiness that really is not happiness because I'm lying to myself!
Not sure were that one came from but it was just there in my head all the sudden

I walked into work today only to find some of the most beautiful flowers from my boss and charge nurse, The card said "In memory of your grandmother"!
I had no idea I was going to be this sad this am,, I love those who care about me.
I do deserve to be cared about don't I???

I'm going to be pampered tomorrow, no way I'm working on my 30th, also am going to see one of my gf's that I have not seen in a few months, so damn excited about it. She knows I have been going through so much lately, and M has been a huge issue only she has no idea until tomorrow who the man is,,,,,, but anyways she sent me a text this am telling me that she IS ALWAYS here for me and will never ever judge me no matter what choices I make in my life. That was so what I needed to hear considering my roomie and I are not even speaking to each other due to M and the way that is going,I actually called her a Judgemental BITCH yesterday morning, the one thing I forgot to add was fucking selfish!! this whole thing is just not worth it,,,not like I have not known that for 2 months now!
Pull you head out of you ass Lauren,,
That is something I would kill to hear coming out of my TI's (military) mouth again,,,,,,,!!!!
Well guys I'm gonna take a few off but I will be checking in with you all,and wishing you an amazing weekend....
By the way please wish me luck in fitting my fat ass in my dress for my gf's wedding on Sat,,,I need all the help I can get!!!!

Part 2

SO I felt it was time for me to continue!
The Monday following the death of my nana my family went to the mortuary to go over arrangement for the service. It was so hard. My mom had to hand over the last outfit my nana would ever wear.....it was perfect.
My mom held onto it so tightly and I could tell she was just not ready to give it over yet but being the strong amazing woman she was she managed to do it.
I was with my family for a few hours and then decided it was just time for me to have some much needed ME time. Sad to say but I went to the bar and drank, alone, I did not know what else to do.
I ended up going into work for about 2 mins on Tues and was sent home only to return Monday of this week, my boss has truly been a god sent.
Thursday came too fast as did the service. It was beautiful and there were some of the most amazing flowers there that I had ever seen. My nana would have been so happy.
We were all really sad but held it together somewhat ok. That was until I saw the urn that was picked out for my nana by my nana's brother, I had heard about it but had not yet seen it............It was terrible it looked like a fucking BOOK! I totally broke down, I could not think of my nana being in a book for the rest of eternity, made me so sad.
Her brother is a .................I'll be nice.
I decided to speak at the service which was something I wanted to do but was not sure I could. I had an extremely difficult time doing it but somehow made it through.
My uncle got really religious and there was another man who spoke that could barely talk he was so upset, it felt so good to see that my nana had such an impact on so many others, when I got up, what I said was very personal and from the heart, I talked about a few memories and mostly what I was going to miss, not really into sharing everything but I did say that I was going to miss walking into her house and having her come over and hold my face with her gentle sweet loving hands and kiss me! Something I know I will miss forever!

I think I'm going to end Part two at that!!


Lots has been going on with me in my life and with my roomie lately but I think I will wait for the outcome on that one before I begin to tell the drama.
On a good not I have not purged in.....................damn I cannot even remember the last time! No binging either.......How did that happen???????

My graditude cannot be expressed enough!

Thank you Thank you Thank you to all of you!! Your messages were so needed and meant more that I can ever express to you. I love you all!!!
I want to give a huge special thank you to Robert and Joe......I am so fucking lucky to have you in my life, Robert I treasure you sweetie and I have been so touched by you, it is just amazing how lucky I am.
Muah to you ALL!!!!!!

This past week I can barely remember so please bare with me.......
Im gonna share with all of you what happened when I saw my Nana last Sat. ironically enough it was the day I was so scared to see her.
I got to her house late morning, to find my mom curled up to her on her bed. My nana was pretty much unresponsive however she did see me and she did tell me that she loved me which is something I will treasure FOREVER> My mom said to me that when she saw me she smiled and that was the last time my mom saw a smile on her face. My mom walked up to me and I completely broke down, I had no idea what I was waking into going to see her that day but the way she was, was not what I had thought. She was on the morphine, and thank god for that medication because I do not think I would have been able to see her in the pain she was in before she started it.
Her body looked so little and I could not stop crying. My mom let me curl up with her and snuggle which I did for quite awhile. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her and how much little C loved her. I told her over and over that we were ok and that she did not have to worry about us, but to just relax and let us love on her. I was there for about 2 1/2 hours and then had to leave to go get little C from my dads house, which was so hard but I told my mom that I would go with her on Monday to see her. When I left the house all I could think about was her and her laying there not moving not eating, being barely responsive to anyone, it broke my heart.
God I hate doing this.......
Unfortunately Monday would not come for me.........................................FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK (me screaming)!
I HATE DEATH!(again screaming)!
I took little C to his sitters for the night and when I got home I called my nanas house to have my uncle tell her how much I loved her and he told me that she was completely unresponsive and her breathing was very shallow, which I knew what that meant.
I called my mom and she was a mess, I asked her if she wanted me with her and she said no "I just want to clean" I agreed but told her to call me if she heard anything. 15 minutes goes by and I got a call she told me she was going to my nanas and she wanted me to go with her.
Most of that car ride was surreal... and reminded me way to much of the drive to my nanas house when my aunt had killed herself.
We hit EVERY LIGHT and wouldn't you know it, even a damn train......
We got to my nanas 20 minutes after she had passed. My uncle T opened the door and grabbed me which was so good because I fell to the ground. I couldn't do this... my mom ran into my nanas bedroom and cried like nothing I have ever heard in my life. God I cannot even see what I am typing right now!
About 5 minutes went by and my uncle asked me if I wanted to see her and I said yes.
Mind you I have never even in my 8 years in the medical field seen a dead body. I walked back to her room and honestly I can't even tell you how natural it felt to run over to her and grab her hand. I hugged, kissed, and laid on her chest for 3 damn hours. 3 hours of my life that I will hold close to my heart forever. I said goodbye to her so many times, I just did not want it to end....
I still don't
how is she gone
what the fuck has happened
what is going on
what am i gonna do with out her
my heart aches so badly
The people from the mortuary came about 1 am to pick her up. My mom (the bravest woman I know) stood by her side the whole time, even when that put her in the body bag (god I hate this) my nana in a body bag......wtf?
I stayed in the hallway and tried to watch them wheel her out but all I saw was the corner of the body bag and knew it was just not possible. My mom walked out with her and her brothers right next to my nana so she would not be alone.
Her husband.....god bless him, has been so sad, when she had passed I went to hug him and tell him I loved him and he held my face and said with tears falling from his eyes...."she is not gasping anymore"
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! I cant do this anymore today!

Thank you all again I have never felt so much support.... not even from my friends whom I have known my whole life. Funny how that works!

I will try for the rest tomorrow!