Thursday's........there for sure not the worst day of the week but it run's a close second,,,,,,usually! Today though is not such a bad day. Feels weird saying that because not a whole lot has changed but I guess it is just one of those days when I am in a space that is not so horrible!
I have been really anxious the past couple of days about tomorrows appt and simply the idea of gaining weight when I have "worked" so hard at getting this weight off. Never before have I been at this weight, it is weird because the smaller I get the BIGGER and FATTER I feel, why is that I wonder? Honestly when I look in the mirror I see someone who can lose 15 more lbs. Shit what am I talking about I could lose a few more than that.
Every moring for the last week I have gotten up and done my usual routine, shower, blowdry, makeup, hair, teeth, little C all ready, then I leave for daycare and work and every morning I wonder when I will snap, when I will no longer be able to do all of those things in a calm mood and no anger. Late relapse it did not last long although I did not have little C then, maybe he helps at keeping me calm and focused.
Thank god for his sweet little self!!! What a good little man he is!
He got the coolest Thomas Train Table from my parents yesterday, it's huge and he LOVES it. I could not get him away from it last night! My dad and him put it together, I was totally impressed with how great my dad was and how patient he was with him in letting little c help screw in the screws and put the pieces of wood together. I don't think I could have done it!
I want to be able to though!
M>A>R>K>!!!!!!!! Ugh get that name out of my head please! I'm so ready to go and get this done. My sister is going to come to my apt with me, hopefully she will be able to hear the details that I know I will have to share to decide my treatment plan. I'm ready to start but I also know that have 2 days to decide what they are going to do, and I cannot just leave my job with no effort of trying to keep it, as it goes so far I will not get to apply for FMLA because I have not been with the company for a year yet, but I'm hoping that since I have had to put up with ALOT of shit they will be somewhat understanding to my situation and hire a temp for the time that I am gone! Wishful thinking I think! Whatever happens happens I guess!!
Ok so I hope today starts going by a little bit faster because I'm already for bed and its only noon!!
Im sure I will be back, work is really slow and I'm gonna put in the "Holiday" I need to laugh!
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3 comments:
you're so right that the more weight i lose, the grosser i feel. it shows that it's not about food or appearance. (but it FEELS LIKE IT IS!!! *ahem.*) do you know about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment during WWII or something? they found distorted body image developing in previously healthy adult males the longer they were on a starvation diet.
i can also relate to feeling like you're just scrapping all that hard work and energy by getting back to a healthy weight... i think, though, that every journey we go on teaches us something important, even if some of those journeys end up not being the right paths. it's really sad to think about the amount of effort and energy and anguish that i put into my weight and calorie equations. but i also know that i've learned so much from this experience - learned things i don't think i could have learned any other way.
good luck on your appt tomorrow...
xox - Pav
You feel that way b/c you're not healthy right now. Once you get back on track, you'll be able to see the REAL you in the mirror. I'm so proud of you that you're getting help. Which Thomas the Train did he get? My mom just bought Little E "Rocky" - super overpriced!!! He's lucky he's got his grandma!
Love you.
Frida
Hey Lauren, I hope you made it thru your appt. today. I won't get to catch up on blogs until late next week. :( Hmm, best of luck.
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