Just thinking about~

.......why it is that I cannot grasp the fact that you can be ANY weight and have an ed? It does not mean that you are not sick if you weigh 150 lbs or 89 lbs ed is ed. Ok now I see that I just typed that but I still don't believe it!
I want to understand why I am at where I am, and why I feel the need to be sick? Am I needing attention and I f'd up am I crazy what is it and why me? Why do I have to suffer all the time? I feel lame for even saying this because so many others are going through this too but................. gawd why?
I miss the old me, where has she gone? And is it to late to find her again? I hope not because she was a good person, who cared about herself and not in a negative way. I cannot even remember what it was like to be her.
What I would give to have the energy to keep up with little C the way I used to be able to, to go have pizza and ice-cream with him and not have to make sure someone else is with me to watch him while I run to the bathroom. I took Ambein the other night and binged big big time and right after I ran to the bathroom, thinking C was asleep, but when I turned around he was standing at the door saying "you no like momma you no like"? I quickly collected myself and laid him back down only to run right back to finish the job that had been stopped to early! I am the worst mother ever!!!!
I have this constant headache right behind my left eye all the time now and it shoots up to the top of my head. Nothing helps anymore, and purging sure does not make it any better!
I think I have the biggest collection on VS lotion and spray one can have at work and I still know that vomit is just not an easy smell to hide!!
I wonder if anyone knows?