Lots has been going on in this crazy head of mine these last two days.
I have been feeling so "off" I don't even know where to begin this post.
I hate feeling the way I am but I think I am really beginning to realize how much of a people pleaser I am. I am realizing how I feel like I have no right in any situation to feel, no right to feel sad or hurt or mad or shit even happy. I feel guilty about any feelings I have especially if it is a feeling where it effects someone else.
My mom is truly my closest and dearest friend (other than C of course) and she has hurt my feelings and honestly I cannot no matter how hard I try been able to tell her. Started off last weekend when she flaked on me and my gf when it came to going to HER friends Christmas party, for this guy she is interested in. I'm not hurt that she went with him because I want her to be happy and to have someone in her life but I was upset that I was the one who had to tell her friends that she was "sick"! I felt terrible about it. Then tomorrow there is this huge Christmas tree lighting in our town where EVERYONE comes out, we always go together, on Monday she told me that she invited this guy to come so basically I figured that we would all go together, lame for me to think that I guess. Anyways, then she said that he did not get off work till later so she did not know if she was going to make it downtown for the lighting and that it may be later in the evening. I was still ok I guess with that comment although I did feel hurt. Then last night my roomie told me she may not be able to go so I was going to end up going alone with little C which I just cannot do because I am totally scared I'm going to run into M or A and then that would just be to much to handle alone. SO I called my mom and told her I may go with her instead and she said that D this guy did not know that we were going and she figured she would just run into us while we were downtown. I told her never mind I would just go alone and if we saw them then we would see them, I said that I did not want to feel uncomfortable around D or for him to feel weird, and I did not want to be a third wheel. Then she started saying how she felt so terrible and that she felt like between the x-mas party and the downtown thing she was be so horrible. I was really upset with that comment because I felt like I was wrong for having my feeling hurt. She is the one who flaked on me not the other way around. I feel so blown off and and sad.
So long story short my roomie told me she would change her plans and come with me, I'm so grateful for that I just could not do it alone!
Ok so I just got a phone call from my mom, and this is what I'm talking about.......I feel like shit, she told me that she feels like she has been a terrible mom and grandma and that she has put me in shity situations 2x in a week and she said sorry so much and told me not to tell her it was ok but to please just take it. I told her thank you. I know she is going through a lot with her mom being gone so I don't blame her but I am just sad & I want to be happy but I feel so alone. I have little c and my mom and a few friends and for that I am grateful but there is this part of me that I can not get a hold of that is SO desperately lonely!! Why can't I just allow myself to feel hurt even if I got an apology? I now just feel so bad because she is hurting. God I hate that I do not allow myself to just "be" with me and in my own world.
I have or was so "up" last week with the whole Christmas time thing but now I feel so down and I just want to cuddle up with little C and be away from the rest of the world. I want no contact with anyone. I want to laugh and cry and be angry and throw some damn eggs at the most hated person in my life...........C's dad!
This has NOTHING to do with him but I just want to do it!
I have tomorrow off of work because little C has a Dr. appt which I hate but it is his 3yr check up and we have to do it......... He is gonna have to get shots and that just makes me sick to think about. I am also going to talk to his Dr. about him being tested for diabetes, I'm terrified to have that done but at this point I KNOW it needs to be....Wish us luck in negative test results please.
Ok I hate this, I want to delete this post because now I feel horrible for even writing it!!!! I want to be able to be ok and sit with my feeling but I really don't think it is possible!
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11 comments:
You know what, I'm so glad you didn't delete this post Lauren. Getting "it" out, even if "it" is bad, is still a move in a positive direction. It means that you're sharing your pain and getting it out instead of stuffing it in, which in turn starts the beginning of processing out the issue. (lotta counselor jargin I know, but its true)
And if I could only say one thing about your post it would be this; It is never wrong to feel or have an emotion Lauren. Emotions are with us for a reason. They are red flags telling us something isn't balanced. Whether its a happy unbalanced or a sad, its still a unbalance. And I truly believe it's never wrong to feel something. The in the moment the feeling may not be completely accurate or at that moment it could be emotionally driven, but never wrong.
I hope you and your mom can both come to the point to where you can see that life is divine chaos. As much as we'd like, things don't always work out our way, nor should they or we'd never learn...right? There'd be no opportunity for growth if it all went our way.
So...reason I say that is to not get you even more down, but to show you that you've overcome so many things already to achieve personal growth. It may not have been they may not have been the most comfortable times in your life, but growth happened non the less. This is one of those situations, in my opinion.
I know its very hard this time of year, tons of demands and emotions going on, but try to keep in mind that you're strong, you're flexible, and you're capable. Look at all that you're achieving now. I've got a list of strengths about you a page long and I just met you!
Hang in there girly, and know that you have friends that care and have two ears and warm hearts.
Keep on Keepin on!
you are so so so hard on yourself, honey, and you are so good and so sweet. You don't deserve to be treated badly by anyone, least of all yourself. Try doing something special just for yourself today. . .
love you
Sarah
Jade, I have said a few times how grateful I am to have found you and honestly after this comment I could not feel it more. You have so much insight and I truly know that you are right in everything you have to say I just somehow need to find a way to believe it and to know that it is ok to have the feelings I have. I have been this way as far back as I can remember and I think something I have realized is that since I started going into treatment programs I have felt so much guilt for putting my family through so much that I have forgot to remember that I went though it too and am still dealing with it on an hourly basis. You have so much wisdom hun I hope you really do know that,,, hey wanna be my therapist??? I so think you could handle me,,,,haha!!! Great thought though right???
Thank you for all of your sweetness and please know I'm here if ever you need!!!
xoxo Lauren
Sarah- Simply said I love you hun!
Lauren, I'm here in your life cause I'm supposed to be, just like you were supposed to find me. Thats the cool thing about life.
And remember, the first step to change is acknowledgment. You are starting to acknowledge a lot these days from the way it sounds. Don't be threatened girly, that is just the sound of opportunity.
The past is the past, leave it there.
Love forgives.... And your family loves your Lauren. And now its time for you to love you and forgive. You've got a beautiful little boy, sounds like you've got a loving family, and most importantly...you've got the desire and motivation to change. Thats key.
I really don't mean to sound like a counselor, really just a friend that cares. But give me another 2 years so I can obtain my L.C.S.W. and if you really still need a counselor by then I'll be able to bill your insurance for it ;-)
But I'm always here for a peptalk or just a gab fest ;-)
I'm on yahoo messenger as jadedsoul2002 or gmail as ibjennalee@gmail.com
Now, do I come here to see you almost sobbing?
Whatv the heck?
Young miss, you are quite a little lady and why do you have to punish yourself that bad?
I ask Jade not to be angry with me but I'm going to quote her: "... your family loves you..
You've got a beautiful little boy, sounds like you've got a loving family, and most importantly...you've got the desire and motivation to change. Thats key".
So, young and powerful friend, get that body shaking and that soul and spirit shinning like the sun. Please?
I think you and your mom might actually have a lot in common. Your feelings are never wrong! It's only in how we express or act on them that can be troublesome. I think it is awesome if you can tell your mom your fears of going alone and then thanking her for going with you. Again, don't feel guilty AT ALL if you can find ways to communicate your feelings. It's a challenge, I know!! I am bad at more often than not.
Take care of you this weekend, OK?
P.S. and you know I'm there with you on the loneliness bit. Have you still been exploring a church community of some kind? Trust me, I probably would have ended up in the hospital last summer if not for mine!
Hey how's life in your part of Cali?
Hey lauren,
Hope you're doing okay. Haven't been on the blogs at all because I've been crazy busy with my move. Just wanted to drop by though.
Hi there, Lauren... hope you are doing well and having lots of XMAS plans...
how are you honey?
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