HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM not really knowing how to even begin this post, it is a pretty huge one for me! Not even so sure I will be able to be strong enough to get out what I need to say or even if I want to say it!
For starters my weekend was really nice, went to my dads on Friday and stayed there with them, then Sat left and did x-mas shopping for little C (thank god that is done), then was off to my gf's grad party which was REALLY nice. We decided to go out after the party and went to are local hole in the wall Irish pub, got there about 8:45 and after a drink or to ended up seeing M which basically was ok however shocked the shit out of me. I felt sick all over and wanted to leave, but I hung in for a bit. We said nothing just a few awkward glances. 10pm rolls around and my gf and her friends are ready to leave, I WAS not so I stayed for a few mins, or actually long enough to have a smoke and decided I would go down to "MY BAR" kind of like Cheers haha, there was this guy there who was probably in his 50's that would not leave me alone, I humored him for a bit and even went into some issues I am going through BIG ONES, not sure why I told him guess I felt safe in it, however if backfired because after telling him I think he was more into me. ICK! I got a phone call from my mom about 11:45 telling me she was home (only about 2 blocks from my bar) and she wanted to meet me, so I went out side and picked her up, I had no interest in staying at that bar so off we went to another one of my favs. I seriously felt so lonely before she called, I was on the phone with my roomie who has been there for me so much lately for like an hour. I think I felt more pathetic and not worth anything, I mean my last two times out in the last month and a half, I have been ditched by my friends. WTF!
Anyways my mom and I ended up having a great time and like always when ever we drink we spill our guts. We sang and danced till almost 2, it was sooooooooooooooo fun!! I love you my amazing momma!
I told her something that has been going on in my head for quite sometime, but something that I have NEVER other than a brief discussion with my roomie told anyone.
My mom was amazing like I knew she would be, I felt no fear in telling her what I did at all. She told me that she will always love me no matter what decisions I make in my life or how I choose to live my life. My head is so confused right now, it really sucks. I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can spill this stuff in my head to ANYONE. I want to vomit! Not purge, just simply vomit, my stomach is in knots!
Speaking of purging my weekend was ok, not great but ok, not horrible either! One day at a time, I so think of Sarah when I say that. Inspired girl!
Little C is great, we had such a hard time at bed time last night but I stood my ground and it eventually worked and off to sleep land was he!
I ended up taking a sleeping pill and watched TV for what seemed like forever, my mind is running 10000 miles an hour, with no end in sight!
Ok well I thought I could go more into detail in this post but I guess I'm just not there, shit who knows if I ever will be!
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
love ya
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8 comments:
Nice reading you, inspite seeing there is something troubling you alright.
If you want or even need to spit it out you can always email me Lauren on the qfpinto@gmail.com. Guess it wouldn´t be of great help, but even so...
Loved to see you write: "I love you my amazing momma!". That's good vives down there.
Good week to you.
Love you honey. I'm here for you. You're not alone!
And YEAH one day at a time. Sometimes I can only do it one hour at a time, actually.
Quint thank you so much sweetie! Your offer will stay with me and if every you need me email me anytime, schunzelh@wellbound.com!! ANYTIME< however your life sounds pretty fantastic, so I'm sure you won't be needing that!!!
xoxo sweetie!
Sarah babe! How about one freaking minute?????? ERRRRRRR!
I love you hun! Thank you so much for everything!
I think you are so normal to be thrown for a loop seeing M, and feeling confused and angry and hurt all over again. I hate when those feelings sneak back up on us and remind us that they haven't left just yet. Hate it! But I so understand. And I understand everything you say about what purging does for you. I would add "numb" to that list. It numbs my pain, just for a little while, and that is why it can be so powerful.
There is NOTHING wrong with your feelings hon, nothing. I think writing about them like you are is great.
Hugs,
DG
dg- O.M.FREAKING, How is the heck did I forget numb??? How is that possible? Thank you for that because it is by far one of the biggest!!!!
PS I HATE M!
I don't even think it is about the missing part as much as it is about me feeling like a donkeys butt all over again!
Cheers to no more M!!!!
love love!!
:-( Sorry I didn't get your text till the next morning sweety! Man I hate when that happens. I'm so glad your night smoothed out though. Sometimes it pays off to ride the big waves eh? (think about that one for a while lol)
hi Lauren,
I'm sorry to hear there's something bigger bothering you too. I'm glad that you find so much comfort in your relationship with your mom though--it sounds like she is really there for you in many ways and that you can just let her love on you (no wonder that you're like that with little C too!).
love,
ae
jade- No biggie hun,just glad you got it!
xo
ae- I so do find that comfort in my mom and I do hope little C finds it in me, just wish I could ask him!!! Ya know!
I have missed you around here...Love you
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