Smiles, smiles, smiles,,,,,,
My meeting went so great last night and for the first time EVER I got some numbers for a few women who have a clue of WTF is going on!!! Don't know if I will actually call anyone but I got the numbers. That's a step.
I got an email this am from F and I about lost my mind. He has been getting on my nerves so bad!!!!!!! I talked to him last night and he said very sweetly that if I ever needed support or someone to go to a meeting with he would go with me and I about bit my hand off, I was so pissed that he would even say that to me. Sounds weird I know but I feel like he is trying to infect every bit of my life and I just cannot deal with that. In the email he wrote me he was getting all deep and bringing up all kinds of stuff and finally I had to tell him I did not want to talk about my stuff with him anymore! I want to just put a dirty sock in his mouth sometimes to shut him up! AHHHHH what is wrong with me!
He is the only person who does this to me! I hate when someone thinks they know everything about what I'm going threw when they have no clue at all. Is he hanging his head over the toilet countless times a day and getting on the scale even more??? NOPE. Just shut up already!!!
Sorry guys just venting and so funny but once again I have my whole body tingling.
Ok I just took a DEEP breath I so needed to!!!
I just want one day to happiness again, is that really to much to ask? Maybe. Got on the scale and that damn lb came back, its so frustrating being at one weight one day and expecting it to keep going down and all it does is keep going up then down then up ect. Never ending cycle.
Little C has been awesome, he was all over the place in bed with me last night, he kept crawling off the bed onto the floor to sleep I think I picked him up 20 times before he started telling me NO momma. He has been loving staying with my dad unlike me, the commute is driving me nuts, paying this crazy amount for gas has been making be nuts, having to talk to someone other than C is making me nuts, and having to try to hide and sneak my BP is driving me insane, completely insane! I want my freedom back I feel like I cannot even go to the store without telling someone for god sake I'm almost 30. My shit not there's I know!
Ok god I love this blog I'm always able to think more clearly after I post.
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26 comments:
Yes, you need your life back, for your sake and for Little C's.
F doesn't sound like the one, I really like the "dirty sock" comment, I'll have to use it sometime!!! LOL
Love
Frida
I know your right ff!!!! Ususally are;)!!!
love lauren
lauren,
your posts have a way of making me smile, even if you're talking about tough stuff, and I really love that. I laughed out loud where you wrote "I about bit my hand off," because it was such a funny expression. And then, the dirty sock thing that Frida mentioned, I loved that too.
Hoping you're making it through your day, darlin'.
love lulu
lulu,
I'm so glad I was able to bring a smile to your face, I was reading your message as I was talking to my mom and I told her what I named todays post and she was almost in tears laughing she's met him and totally gets it!!! Poor guy!
Oh and Im plugging along have a great day lulu,
love lauren
Lauren,
you crack me up!! Here is my favorite thing about you right now: how your posts are completely what comes into your head and then pops out your mouth--total stream of consciousness and still very self-aware and smart and funny! You WILL bounce back.
Youwillyouwillyouwill.
love,
ae
p.s. how cool is that that your mom is close enough to you to know about your blog and f's corn chip breath?
ae, she is awesome, she knows I have one nothing else although I know she would support me no matter what I write!! Your right I am lucky!!
love lauren
also ae,
I know I'm all over the place but that is how it comes out, oh well better that than no blog right? It is pretty funny now I go back a read it. You would never believe my journals from IP, sooooooo outta control its the monkey mind I tell you!!! The damn MONKEY MIND!
have a amazing and peaceful night ae
love lauren
oh, well in all honestly, I love monkey minds then, if that's what they're called. I think it's way more exciting to read something that someone wrote just like they thought it...and, now here's something I just thought of that's really really cool, Lauren, the way you blog is so UNLIKE ED thinking, because you just let it rip and spill out everything really honestly, unedited, uncensored. Most of us here invest so much in "controlling" how other people perceive us that reading your blog is like a breath of fresh air!! Monkeys or not :)
love,
ae
We're glad that you like blogging. :O) Yeah!
Hey Lauren,
Just re-read your post. I like the dirty sock part. Keep venting and it's okay that you don't want to talk to him about your stuff anymore. It's all good. Just keep writing here.
ae- I have to tell u the UNLIKE ED comment really freaks me out, not sure why or how but it does, Im glad to be refreshing but not sure why but I feel like maybe what I say is not take seriously, when all I say is so real in my life of hell right now! Im questioning the whole ed thing now, does that mean I do not have an ed or hmmm am I making stuff up to others or what. I feel a bit confused nevermind this is just my fucked up way of processing info.
xo lauren
thanks ptc,
I feel bad but as it turns out so much better to keep thing simple with him!! Or nothing as it turns out. Thanks for your encouragement!
xo lauren
Lauren is secretly in love with Sanjaya!
anon-
shhhhhhh that is our secret!
hehehe, I know you got your hair done in a big mohawk...tell the truth!
Ok Ok god quit giving it all away!
only mine is blue
LOL!!! I knew it!!!!
oh crap, Lauren, I didn't mean to freak you out!!
Okay, here is what I was hoping to say and I hope this feels a little better: I find your posts VERY real. I like that about you a lot. I don't think it means you are any more or less EDed than anyone else--I really didn't think of it like that. What I see instead in how natural and real you are here is your survivor spirit, that part of you that is going to kick ED to the curb, the really beautiful and vibrant part that wants to live well and healthy for so, so many reasons. I love that and I really, really admire it.
love,
ae
ae, thanks for your reply I hope you know that my head is just foggy with everything right now. Your words I treasure! and I look forward to your comments everyday!!!
love Lauren
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