Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
wink wink
I so NEVER post on the weekend but dammit I only had one person to vent to and I felt bad about giving or putting it all on her so I'm going to bitch some more here!!! MY ROOMIE is the BIGGEST PAIN IN MY BOOTY EVER!!! I can't do anything right and I'm sick of it! I'm sick and fucking tired of walking on egg shells in my own house that I pay half the rent in and half the fucking bills in, dammit I made a mistake and broke a stupid little candle holder and she totally went stomping all over the house slamming doors, yelling at her kids to stay away from my son just fucking drama!!!! Sorry for the foul mouth but I am so annoyed and can barely even see what I am writing because I took and ambein so that I can freaking fall asleep!!!! Am I that terrible of a person???? Do I deserve to have someone slamming doors and stomping all over the house and being ignored all over a candle holder that I said I would replace!!!!! Ok I'm done I cant even type!!! Lov ya Jade thanks for listening!!!!! wink wink
Friday, December 28, 2007
Over it!
Last night all I can say is WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had one of the hardest nights in a long time but luckily I was able to get through it without purging AT ALL thanks to the help of my sweet new friend Jade, wink wink thank you babe!!!!
Work is ok pretty busy which is good but ready for another long weekend that's for sure!
I really do not know what is going on in my life with men, frankly I am sick of them and due to my "issue" I don't know where I stand in my life at all!
I have gotten so many flat out disgusting text messages and emails from a few people who I thought were better than that. I don't know what I do to people to deserve to be talked to that way, I don't even respond to these messages, I don't get it but it seriously makes me feel like a piece of meat and I am not even into the whole man thing at all right now.
Also I got a text from M yesterday actually several, we chatted a bit and he kept saying how much he missed me as a friend and did not want me to be mad at him anymore, he said that he was sorry for the way that he had acted but I really don't buy it. You do not treat someone shity over and over and then simply say sorry and expect someone to just say "oh it's ok!!" NO F'ng way dammit! I'm over it! I told him I was not mad at him but that I had to think alot about us being friends. I mean honestly why would I want to be friends with someone who treats me like shita! I deserve more don't I?
He wanted me to call him last night but I did not think it was a good idea so I did not do it. And guess what I have not heard from him so I'm sure he was trying to hook up or pull some bs like that but I'm not falling for it again!!!!!!!
I"M OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work is ok pretty busy which is good but ready for another long weekend that's for sure!
I really do not know what is going on in my life with men, frankly I am sick of them and due to my "issue" I don't know where I stand in my life at all!
I have gotten so many flat out disgusting text messages and emails from a few people who I thought were better than that. I don't know what I do to people to deserve to be talked to that way, I don't even respond to these messages, I don't get it but it seriously makes me feel like a piece of meat and I am not even into the whole man thing at all right now.
Also I got a text from M yesterday actually several, we chatted a bit and he kept saying how much he missed me as a friend and did not want me to be mad at him anymore, he said that he was sorry for the way that he had acted but I really don't buy it. You do not treat someone shity over and over and then simply say sorry and expect someone to just say "oh it's ok!!" NO F'ng way dammit! I'm over it! I told him I was not mad at him but that I had to think alot about us being friends. I mean honestly why would I want to be friends with someone who treats me like shita! I deserve more don't I?
He wanted me to call him last night but I did not think it was a good idea so I did not do it. And guess what I have not heard from him so I'm sure he was trying to hook up or pull some bs like that but I'm not falling for it again!!!!!!!
I"M OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Day after Christmas somewhat blues~
I really did not think the Christmas would be as hard as it was, it was really hard. I reminded me of the Christmas I had before I went into treatment the first time! It was so overwhelming, Ham, potatoes, cornbread, deserts were unreal, but ok I'm going to stop do not want to trigger. I had a few mishaps throughout the day. ( I like that word, mishaps, feels so much better than slips.)
Christmas with Little C was amazing, he passed out a bit early on X-mas eve but I still read him "Night before Christmas" then he woke up and we left Santa Cookies and Juice considering Little C hates Milk and refused to let him have it!!!! Then Christmas am, he was so excited and totally overwhelmed, he got SOOOOOO much, I and my mom went a bit overboard but it was all worth it, just now dreading bringing it home because I know my roomies little ones will take over and Little C has a really hard time sharing, which shit can you blame him, it is his Christmas pressies!! also all of there toys get to mixed, I'm gonna hate it when I decide to move out!!!
Then we went to my aunts which was really hard and really different with out my Nana, but we all made the best of it! This time instead of giving gifts we all decided to donate to our favorite Charity! Most of us chose the Hospice considering we dealt with them because of my Nana and they were simple put FUCKING AMAZING!!!! I also did a bit to St. Jude's, I think they are a wonderful organization and no child is every turned away, how can you beat that!! Then we did an amazing White Elephant gift exchange!!!
Got home really late, and was actually going to bring little C into work today but we ended up being on time so all worked out ok!!!
Time to hit up my "issue again" still not ready to go into details but I need to chat about it again, it is so weird I go in and out about how I feel on a daily basis. There has been someone in my life that brings up stuff for me and not really in a positive way, makes me think about it even more, due to the stuff that he says to me and how disgusting it makes me feel. He is someone that I had been texting and dating for a bit and maybe you remember him from before I went into treatment, he was ok maybe not fair to say but he had a huge contribution to my relapse due to him being so intense! He was making a few flirtatious comments which were fun to play with but once I made a comment back like "Who is this this new F" he went WAY OVERBOARD" I mean it was all kind of disgusting. I swear I don't even know who the hell he is because anytime I say I like or don't like something he changes into that person. Shit he is 38 and still doing this stuff. I sent him a Merry Christmas Eve message and on Christmas got this WHOLE HUGE SEXUAL MESSAGE, with not even a Merry Christmas... 4 pages long, I mean are you kidding me pervo!!! I just wrote back....
(........Merry Christmas) I'm supposed to have coffee with him this week but hell no that is not happening. Just makes me realize that all or the "issue" that I am having is and may be so much more real than ever before!! I don't know confusion is a freaking (fucking bitch!!)!
Moving on!
My mom gave me the most amazing gift it was that picture I posted from the snow day with Chance, where he is on my lap and looking straight ahead with my head turned it was in a frame with that was engraved, with the most amazing saying! I cried like the biggest freaking baby, god I love my little man more that anyone will ever know!!!!!
Ok well done for now hope every one's Christmas was super fabulous!!!!!!
MUAH MUAH
Monday, December 24, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
From my amazing Momma!!!
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it!
Not into writing today but I love this!
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it!
Not into writing today but I love this!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Randoms!
It is pouring here, I mean pouring!!! Really depressing actually. Trying not to let it get to me though!
Had a really long night and a few bad episode's since yesterdays posts.
Not feeling really guilty about it but having a hard time understanding why I purged a huge Chinese chicken salad, (god I know that sounds gross) sorry, and I kept down a cupcake-you know one Hostess yummy chocolate ones with the white swirl on top??
What is up with that?? Granted it was when I crawled into bed and I was STARVING! I did have to fight it for a bit but I won so there!
My head has been hurting a bit lately too. I think it is from the purging....I wish I was able to give this damn thing up, no questions asked! I'm not even losing any weight, I don't think! I refuse to get on the scale until I know for a fact that I have! I have to get out there that in NO way do I want to be 80 some odd lbs again EVER, but I do want to at least be a bit under my goal weight, not much but just a little, now is that to much to ask? I don't think so!
I feel like this blog has nothing to do anymore with recovery but only my bull shit, you would think I would get sick and tired of writing all of this but in all honesty I have not ok I'm lying I have but I just can't stop. This is all the healthy purging I have left since I refuse to go to the VA Therapist!
No more of them for me!!!
Having huge issues with Little C's daycare, I saw one of his teachers yelling quite loud and grabbing this child and roughly putting him into timeout!!! Not OK I called the Corporate office this morning and had I not been running totally late I would have told the kids mom this am, I feel terrible for it and am so pissed at myself for not doing it!! I also feel like the worst parent taking C back there but I have no option, no work equals no job which equals no money, I'm looking for alternative daycare right now! I need to get him out of there but I feel terrible about it because he will leave all of his little friends that he has known since he was 18 months old! WAHHHHH! Please tell me I am not horrible!
I talked to my step mom and she said that she will take him till I find alternative daycare....Thank god for that!!
I totally was pissed and went off on the lady before she even did that to the other child so I hope I did not contribute! I want to call someone else but I have no idea who else to call!
I'm scared that they will take my actions out on C!!!
I will work it out, I have no other choice!
As far as my ("issue") (hi jade wink wink)
still not ready to talk about it, actually feel a bit stronger about that then I did yesterday but who knows maybe I will sooner of later!!!
It just feels like more than I can handle right now!!!!
Had a really long night and a few bad episode's since yesterdays posts.
Not feeling really guilty about it but having a hard time understanding why I purged a huge Chinese chicken salad, (god I know that sounds gross) sorry, and I kept down a cupcake-you know one Hostess yummy chocolate ones with the white swirl on top??
What is up with that?? Granted it was when I crawled into bed and I was STARVING! I did have to fight it for a bit but I won so there!
My head has been hurting a bit lately too. I think it is from the purging....I wish I was able to give this damn thing up, no questions asked! I'm not even losing any weight, I don't think! I refuse to get on the scale until I know for a fact that I have! I have to get out there that in NO way do I want to be 80 some odd lbs again EVER, but I do want to at least be a bit under my goal weight, not much but just a little, now is that to much to ask? I don't think so!
I feel like this blog has nothing to do anymore with recovery but only my bull shit, you would think I would get sick and tired of writing all of this but in all honesty I have not ok I'm lying I have but I just can't stop. This is all the healthy purging I have left since I refuse to go to the VA Therapist!
No more of them for me!!!
Having huge issues with Little C's daycare, I saw one of his teachers yelling quite loud and grabbing this child and roughly putting him into timeout!!! Not OK I called the Corporate office this morning and had I not been running totally late I would have told the kids mom this am, I feel terrible for it and am so pissed at myself for not doing it!! I also feel like the worst parent taking C back there but I have no option, no work equals no job which equals no money, I'm looking for alternative daycare right now! I need to get him out of there but I feel terrible about it because he will leave all of his little friends that he has known since he was 18 months old! WAHHHHH! Please tell me I am not horrible!
I talked to my step mom and she said that she will take him till I find alternative daycare....Thank god for that!!
I totally was pissed and went off on the lady before she even did that to the other child so I hope I did not contribute! I want to call someone else but I have no idea who else to call!
I'm scared that they will take my actions out on C!!!
I will work it out, I have no other choice!
As far as my ("issue") (hi jade wink wink)
still not ready to talk about it, actually feel a bit stronger about that then I did yesterday but who knows maybe I will sooner of later!!!
It just feels like more than I can handle right now!!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Second Half
Warning/Caution- may be triggering but have to release! FOR ME!
What purging is for me:
Not so sure how to answer this one but it's a question in my head every time I engage!
* I feel as if every time is the first time
* I can breathe, even if only for a moment
* Power
* Control
* A sense of security that nothing or no one else can give me
* Sadness
* Lonely
* Anger
* Frustration
* Guilt
* Guilt
* GUILT
* I feel like no one gets me other than my ED
* I don't even get me
* Pathetic
* A high that can never be described no matter how hard I try
* Wanted by something or someone
* Out of Control
* Panic
* Peace
* Loved
* Balance- how weird is this one?
* Uneasy
* Lost
* Mostly alone
I'm sure there is a thousand more but those are what come to mind right now.
I just had an episode, I really don't like that word but whatever.....
I feel like my heart is going crazy and I cannot make it stop. I hate writing like this because when I go back and read it I barely remember writing it? Odd?
That last post, even though I really did not go into details, really got to me, I think! Can't think of what else it might be, other than a bit of anger that I thought I was past with M.
From the moment I hit publish post all I wanted to do was purge!
My words for the day are "TO SIMPLY RELEASE"
Ok I gotta stop this shit
add on: Your wallet won't get any fatter if you follow that growing urge to spend today. Keep walking by those store windows full of gorgeous clothes that you're just dying to put into your closet. It's time to remind yourself about the difference between wanting something and needing it. This applies to your personal life, too. Are you demanding too much from the people around you right now? If you want more attention, you should start by giving more attention.
Due to this scary horoscope I am taking the comment off of this post!
What purging is for me:
Not so sure how to answer this one but it's a question in my head every time I engage!
* I feel as if every time is the first time
* I can breathe, even if only for a moment
* Power
* Control
* A sense of security that nothing or no one else can give me
* Sadness
* Lonely
* Anger
* Frustration
* Guilt
* Guilt
* GUILT
* I feel like no one gets me other than my ED
* I don't even get me
* Pathetic
* A high that can never be described no matter how hard I try
* Wanted by something or someone
* Out of Control
* Panic
* Peace
* Loved
* Balance- how weird is this one?
* Uneasy
* Lost
* Mostly alone
I'm sure there is a thousand more but those are what come to mind right now.
I just had an episode, I really don't like that word but whatever.....
I feel like my heart is going crazy and I cannot make it stop. I hate writing like this because when I go back and read it I barely remember writing it? Odd?
That last post, even though I really did not go into details, really got to me, I think! Can't think of what else it might be, other than a bit of anger that I thought I was past with M.
From the moment I hit publish post all I wanted to do was purge!
My words for the day are "TO SIMPLY RELEASE"
Ok I gotta stop this shit
add on: Your wallet won't get any fatter if you follow that growing urge to spend today. Keep walking by those store windows full of gorgeous clothes that you're just dying to put into your closet. It's time to remind yourself about the difference between wanting something and needing it. This applies to your personal life, too. Are you demanding too much from the people around you right now? If you want more attention, you should start by giving more attention.
Due to this scary horoscope I am taking the comment off of this post!
Confused-but what else is new!
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM not really knowing how to even begin this post, it is a pretty huge one for me! Not even so sure I will be able to be strong enough to get out what I need to say or even if I want to say it!
For starters my weekend was really nice, went to my dads on Friday and stayed there with them, then Sat left and did x-mas shopping for little C (thank god that is done), then was off to my gf's grad party which was REALLY nice. We decided to go out after the party and went to are local hole in the wall Irish pub, got there about 8:45 and after a drink or to ended up seeing M which basically was ok however shocked the shit out of me. I felt sick all over and wanted to leave, but I hung in for a bit. We said nothing just a few awkward glances. 10pm rolls around and my gf and her friends are ready to leave, I WAS not so I stayed for a few mins, or actually long enough to have a smoke and decided I would go down to "MY BAR" kind of like Cheers haha, there was this guy there who was probably in his 50's that would not leave me alone, I humored him for a bit and even went into some issues I am going through BIG ONES, not sure why I told him guess I felt safe in it, however if backfired because after telling him I think he was more into me. ICK! I got a phone call from my mom about 11:45 telling me she was home (only about 2 blocks from my bar) and she wanted to meet me, so I went out side and picked her up, I had no interest in staying at that bar so off we went to another one of my favs. I seriously felt so lonely before she called, I was on the phone with my roomie who has been there for me so much lately for like an hour. I think I felt more pathetic and not worth anything, I mean my last two times out in the last month and a half, I have been ditched by my friends. WTF!
Anyways my mom and I ended up having a great time and like always when ever we drink we spill our guts. We sang and danced till almost 2, it was sooooooooooooooo fun!! I love you my amazing momma!
I told her something that has been going on in my head for quite sometime, but something that I have NEVER other than a brief discussion with my roomie told anyone.
My mom was amazing like I knew she would be, I felt no fear in telling her what I did at all. She told me that she will always love me no matter what decisions I make in my life or how I choose to live my life. My head is so confused right now, it really sucks. I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can spill this stuff in my head to ANYONE. I want to vomit! Not purge, just simply vomit, my stomach is in knots!
Speaking of purging my weekend was ok, not great but ok, not horrible either! One day at a time, I so think of Sarah when I say that. Inspired girl!
Little C is great, we had such a hard time at bed time last night but I stood my ground and it eventually worked and off to sleep land was he!
I ended up taking a sleeping pill and watched TV for what seemed like forever, my mind is running 10000 miles an hour, with no end in sight!
Ok well I thought I could go more into detail in this post but I guess I'm just not there, shit who knows if I ever will be!
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
love ya
For starters my weekend was really nice, went to my dads on Friday and stayed there with them, then Sat left and did x-mas shopping for little C (thank god that is done), then was off to my gf's grad party which was REALLY nice. We decided to go out after the party and went to are local hole in the wall Irish pub, got there about 8:45 and after a drink or to ended up seeing M which basically was ok however shocked the shit out of me. I felt sick all over and wanted to leave, but I hung in for a bit. We said nothing just a few awkward glances. 10pm rolls around and my gf and her friends are ready to leave, I WAS not so I stayed for a few mins, or actually long enough to have a smoke and decided I would go down to "MY BAR" kind of like Cheers haha, there was this guy there who was probably in his 50's that would not leave me alone, I humored him for a bit and even went into some issues I am going through BIG ONES, not sure why I told him guess I felt safe in it, however if backfired because after telling him I think he was more into me. ICK! I got a phone call from my mom about 11:45 telling me she was home (only about 2 blocks from my bar) and she wanted to meet me, so I went out side and picked her up, I had no interest in staying at that bar so off we went to another one of my favs. I seriously felt so lonely before she called, I was on the phone with my roomie who has been there for me so much lately for like an hour. I think I felt more pathetic and not worth anything, I mean my last two times out in the last month and a half, I have been ditched by my friends. WTF!
Anyways my mom and I ended up having a great time and like always when ever we drink we spill our guts. We sang and danced till almost 2, it was sooooooooooooooo fun!! I love you my amazing momma!
I told her something that has been going on in my head for quite sometime, but something that I have NEVER other than a brief discussion with my roomie told anyone.
My mom was amazing like I knew she would be, I felt no fear in telling her what I did at all. She told me that she will always love me no matter what decisions I make in my life or how I choose to live my life. My head is so confused right now, it really sucks. I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can spill this stuff in my head to ANYONE. I want to vomit! Not purge, just simply vomit, my stomach is in knots!
Speaking of purging my weekend was ok, not great but ok, not horrible either! One day at a time, I so think of Sarah when I say that. Inspired girl!
Little C is great, we had such a hard time at bed time last night but I stood my ground and it eventually worked and off to sleep land was he!
I ended up taking a sleeping pill and watched TV for what seemed like forever, my mind is running 10000 miles an hour, with no end in sight!
Ok well I thought I could go more into detail in this post but I guess I'm just not there, shit who knows if I ever will be!
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
love ya
Friday, December 14, 2007
Happy Friday Y'all!
Just a little pic of me and little C's play time!!! LOVE IT!
What the heck am I from Texas or something,,heehee j/k I love all my Texas ladies!!!!
Actually wishing I was there right now!
This has been such a long week for me and I am so ready for it to be over! I really do love my job, but lately I cannot wait till 4:30 on Friday afternoon.
Had a great night last night Little C loved the Christmas house, which was so good considering we had to drive 40 minutes to see the darn thing.
Semi busy weekend, but mostly looking forward to time with my gf! Miss her and our friendship means too much to lose!
Might post later but this is all for now ta ta love to y'all!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Needed a bit of a change!
Opened up my blog today and decided it was time for a change, I was sick of the color.
Really bored today at work, which I guess is good but at the same time I think I need something or someone to occupy my time! My head is going 1000 miles an hour and in all different directions.
Had a few slip up last night which has actually made me feel a bit better, but did nothing for the weight so whatever kind of trying to ignore that part. I'm so sick of having to feel like the size of me determines how I will feel, that is bull shit in my mind but yet I still allow it!
WHY LAUREN WHY?
I just got a phone call from my mom and tonight we are driving to this town about 40 minutes away to see this house that this family goes completely ape shit over at Christmas time...So excited Little C will love it. This family is amazing not only do they decorate the outside but they completely go off on the inside as well and they allow the public to go inside and see. I really do love Christmas time no matter how much I complain about it.
I slept like total shit last night, little C slept with me and wanted to only be in his underwear and so I let him, but with how damn cold my house gets at night I was waking up over and over completely paranoid that he was going to freeze..I told my roomie about it this am and she was like "why didn't you get up and put his clothes back on?" simple answer!!! "It was 1 in the am and I'm to damn lazy!!!! SO instead I wake up 30 times to cover his little self!!!
I got up so late this am and had 45 minutes to get myself and little c ready which includes breakfast for him and a bath, so lets just say today is SO not a good hair day.
I think I going to completely chop all of my hair off. I did it the last time I got out of treatment and it rocked, going to go for the posh cut!! I love it and totally think I can pull it off! Will see though!!! Chicken shita!!!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
In a weird space today
Feeling completely out of sorts today and a bit sad! Out of sorts because I usually am totally happy at work but this week I have been completely annoyed! I am beginning to feel like no one gives a f about what I do here, I bust my ass and for what, the pay is ridicules and the jobs I get are no where near my description, my raise was pathetic and I have been lied to since the day I started about my full time status! I wish a miracle would just fall into my lap for once!
Ok enough complaining about that.
Now what I am sad about!
Blogging, I know every ones blog is there own deal but I feel sad, like so many people are leaving and I know people have to live their lives the way that is best for them and I wish everyone who is leaving the best I am just sad at the way this world seems so quite all of the sudden!
Sort of feel like maybe it would be in my best interest to take a break but to be honest with you I don't want to so I'm not going to! SO THERE who's left and interested in reading is stuck with me!~!
Had a chat with a gf of mine yesterday that things have been pretty weird with for the last several weeks, and it went really good, so I am totally happy about that. Her and I just needed to clear the air which we should have done weeks ago, weird how our minds play tricks on us when we feel our defences go up! I hate where I go in my life when that happens!!!
Having really bad body issues right now, I avoid the mirror and all expense, and will not even do my makeup in a regular size mirror! It is pretty lame I know but shit my weight is out of control and I don't know why, I'm lucky if I eat 1 meal a day!
Ugh I'm so not in the mood for this right now!!!!
Ok enough complaining about that.
Now what I am sad about!
Blogging, I know every ones blog is there own deal but I feel sad, like so many people are leaving and I know people have to live their lives the way that is best for them and I wish everyone who is leaving the best I am just sad at the way this world seems so quite all of the sudden!
Sort of feel like maybe it would be in my best interest to take a break but to be honest with you I don't want to so I'm not going to! SO THERE who's left and interested in reading is stuck with me!~!
Had a chat with a gf of mine yesterday that things have been pretty weird with for the last several weeks, and it went really good, so I am totally happy about that. Her and I just needed to clear the air which we should have done weeks ago, weird how our minds play tricks on us when we feel our defences go up! I hate where I go in my life when that happens!!!
Having really bad body issues right now, I avoid the mirror and all expense, and will not even do my makeup in a regular size mirror! It is pretty lame I know but shit my weight is out of control and I don't know why, I'm lucky if I eat 1 meal a day!
Ugh I'm so not in the mood for this right now!!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
So much apperication
Every time I start feeling like things are going down hill and that no one gives a flying shit about what I'm going through something happens to turn things around for me and today that happened yet again....
I have met through this wonderful world so many amazing people that I love so much and today I was lucky enough to have opened up a post from a dear sweet friend who has put themselves out there for me so much and I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart Jade! I'm blessed to have you in my life! PLEASE KNOW THAT!!
Thank you Thank you Thank you sweetie!
Moving on now....Things have been kind of tough lately but at the same time I have been dealing. Little C and I are doing amazing which is the biggest and most important thing going on right now, as far as my struggle with this damn ED, things honestly have been ok, rough but ok. It has been almost a week since I have purged which is pretty weird, and trust me it is not because I have not wanted to because I really have but it has been because no matter how hard I try have no energy for it! That in itself makes this whole thing crazy. Every time I eat something which by the way has not been very often lately I want to purge so bad but when it comes down to actually doing it I can't! Maybe that's a good thing lets just hope it last for more than a week, seems like once I hit a certain number of days I start to freak a bit and lose control again!
My weekend was really good, quiet but good. I ended up going downtown with my roomie and my mom and little c which was so much fun and the best part was that I did not run into anyone that I knew......Huge plus and so never happens.
I was so nervous because I just knew I was going to see M and A together, which who knows what is up with that it has been 2 weeks since we even talked. I told him to lose my number so lets hope it stays this way. Honestly I hope I NEVER see his pathetic sorry ass again, Rot is hell loser!
I tried to call Jeremy last night but it was too late for him to talk, forgot about the time difference I guess so I just left him a message, hopefully he gets it! He was the one I talked about a week or so ago that called me. I think about him all the time and just wish I was a better influence on him AND others than what I really am! He has had such an impact on my life that no one other that him and I know about, not always a positive one but one that I feel has made me grow stronger and became a better friend and person all around.
I'm starting to feel somewhat lame. I have no plans for New Years this year and have actually flaked out on two different things that I was supposed to do because it is just not something that I want to spend my New Years Eve time doing! I wish I had a party where I got to get all dressed up to go to but hey that will happen in due time I guess! Anyways I'm sure when it came down to it I would not be able to find anything to wear!
Maybe I should just stay home with bubba, and cuddle. I feel like such a lonely hermit sometime!! Ugh well I guess that's it for now! Sending you all so much love and so sorry I have been so absent lately!!!!!
love Lauren
I have met through this wonderful world so many amazing people that I love so much and today I was lucky enough to have opened up a post from a dear sweet friend who has put themselves out there for me so much and I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart Jade! I'm blessed to have you in my life! PLEASE KNOW THAT!!
Thank you Thank you Thank you sweetie!
Moving on now....Things have been kind of tough lately but at the same time I have been dealing. Little C and I are doing amazing which is the biggest and most important thing going on right now, as far as my struggle with this damn ED, things honestly have been ok, rough but ok. It has been almost a week since I have purged which is pretty weird, and trust me it is not because I have not wanted to because I really have but it has been because no matter how hard I try have no energy for it! That in itself makes this whole thing crazy. Every time I eat something which by the way has not been very often lately I want to purge so bad but when it comes down to actually doing it I can't! Maybe that's a good thing lets just hope it last for more than a week, seems like once I hit a certain number of days I start to freak a bit and lose control again!
My weekend was really good, quiet but good. I ended up going downtown with my roomie and my mom and little c which was so much fun and the best part was that I did not run into anyone that I knew......Huge plus and so never happens.
I was so nervous because I just knew I was going to see M and A together, which who knows what is up with that it has been 2 weeks since we even talked. I told him to lose my number so lets hope it stays this way. Honestly I hope I NEVER see his pathetic sorry ass again, Rot is hell loser!
I tried to call Jeremy last night but it was too late for him to talk, forgot about the time difference I guess so I just left him a message, hopefully he gets it! He was the one I talked about a week or so ago that called me. I think about him all the time and just wish I was a better influence on him AND others than what I really am! He has had such an impact on my life that no one other that him and I know about, not always a positive one but one that I feel has made me grow stronger and became a better friend and person all around.
I'm starting to feel somewhat lame. I have no plans for New Years this year and have actually flaked out on two different things that I was supposed to do because it is just not something that I want to spend my New Years Eve time doing! I wish I had a party where I got to get all dressed up to go to but hey that will happen in due time I guess! Anyways I'm sure when it came down to it I would not be able to find anything to wear!
Maybe I should just stay home with bubba, and cuddle. I feel like such a lonely hermit sometime!! Ugh well I guess that's it for now! Sending you all so much love and so sorry I have been so absent lately!!!!!
love Lauren
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Guilt is a BITCH!
Lots has been going on in this crazy head of mine these last two days.
I have been feeling so "off" I don't even know where to begin this post.
I hate feeling the way I am but I think I am really beginning to realize how much of a people pleaser I am. I am realizing how I feel like I have no right in any situation to feel, no right to feel sad or hurt or mad or shit even happy. I feel guilty about any feelings I have especially if it is a feeling where it effects someone else.
My mom is truly my closest and dearest friend (other than C of course) and she has hurt my feelings and honestly I cannot no matter how hard I try been able to tell her. Started off last weekend when she flaked on me and my gf when it came to going to HER friends Christmas party, for this guy she is interested in. I'm not hurt that she went with him because I want her to be happy and to have someone in her life but I was upset that I was the one who had to tell her friends that she was "sick"! I felt terrible about it. Then tomorrow there is this huge Christmas tree lighting in our town where EVERYONE comes out, we always go together, on Monday she told me that she invited this guy to come so basically I figured that we would all go together, lame for me to think that I guess. Anyways, then she said that he did not get off work till later so she did not know if she was going to make it downtown for the lighting and that it may be later in the evening. I was still ok I guess with that comment although I did feel hurt. Then last night my roomie told me she may not be able to go so I was going to end up going alone with little C which I just cannot do because I am totally scared I'm going to run into M or A and then that would just be to much to handle alone. SO I called my mom and told her I may go with her instead and she said that D this guy did not know that we were going and she figured she would just run into us while we were downtown. I told her never mind I would just go alone and if we saw them then we would see them, I said that I did not want to feel uncomfortable around D or for him to feel weird, and I did not want to be a third wheel. Then she started saying how she felt so terrible and that she felt like between the x-mas party and the downtown thing she was be so horrible. I was really upset with that comment because I felt like I was wrong for having my feeling hurt. She is the one who flaked on me not the other way around. I feel so blown off and and sad.
So long story short my roomie told me she would change her plans and come with me, I'm so grateful for that I just could not do it alone!
Ok so I just got a phone call from my mom, and this is what I'm talking about.......I feel like shit, she told me that she feels like she has been a terrible mom and grandma and that she has put me in shity situations 2x in a week and she said sorry so much and told me not to tell her it was ok but to please just take it. I told her thank you. I know she is going through a lot with her mom being gone so I don't blame her but I am just sad & I want to be happy but I feel so alone. I have little c and my mom and a few friends and for that I am grateful but there is this part of me that I can not get a hold of that is SO desperately lonely!! Why can't I just allow myself to feel hurt even if I got an apology? I now just feel so bad because she is hurting. God I hate that I do not allow myself to just "be" with me and in my own world.
I have or was so "up" last week with the whole Christmas time thing but now I feel so down and I just want to cuddle up with little C and be away from the rest of the world. I want no contact with anyone. I want to laugh and cry and be angry and throw some damn eggs at the most hated person in my life...........C's dad!
This has NOTHING to do with him but I just want to do it!
I have tomorrow off of work because little C has a Dr. appt which I hate but it is his 3yr check up and we have to do it......... He is gonna have to get shots and that just makes me sick to think about. I am also going to talk to his Dr. about him being tested for diabetes, I'm terrified to have that done but at this point I KNOW it needs to be....Wish us luck in negative test results please.
Ok I hate this, I want to delete this post because now I feel horrible for even writing it!!!! I want to be able to be ok and sit with my feeling but I really don't think it is possible!
I have been feeling so "off" I don't even know where to begin this post.
I hate feeling the way I am but I think I am really beginning to realize how much of a people pleaser I am. I am realizing how I feel like I have no right in any situation to feel, no right to feel sad or hurt or mad or shit even happy. I feel guilty about any feelings I have especially if it is a feeling where it effects someone else.
My mom is truly my closest and dearest friend (other than C of course) and she has hurt my feelings and honestly I cannot no matter how hard I try been able to tell her. Started off last weekend when she flaked on me and my gf when it came to going to HER friends Christmas party, for this guy she is interested in. I'm not hurt that she went with him because I want her to be happy and to have someone in her life but I was upset that I was the one who had to tell her friends that she was "sick"! I felt terrible about it. Then tomorrow there is this huge Christmas tree lighting in our town where EVERYONE comes out, we always go together, on Monday she told me that she invited this guy to come so basically I figured that we would all go together, lame for me to think that I guess. Anyways, then she said that he did not get off work till later so she did not know if she was going to make it downtown for the lighting and that it may be later in the evening. I was still ok I guess with that comment although I did feel hurt. Then last night my roomie told me she may not be able to go so I was going to end up going alone with little C which I just cannot do because I am totally scared I'm going to run into M or A and then that would just be to much to handle alone. SO I called my mom and told her I may go with her instead and she said that D this guy did not know that we were going and she figured she would just run into us while we were downtown. I told her never mind I would just go alone and if we saw them then we would see them, I said that I did not want to feel uncomfortable around D or for him to feel weird, and I did not want to be a third wheel. Then she started saying how she felt so terrible and that she felt like between the x-mas party and the downtown thing she was be so horrible. I was really upset with that comment because I felt like I was wrong for having my feeling hurt. She is the one who flaked on me not the other way around. I feel so blown off and and sad.
So long story short my roomie told me she would change her plans and come with me, I'm so grateful for that I just could not do it alone!
Ok so I just got a phone call from my mom, and this is what I'm talking about.......I feel like shit, she told me that she feels like she has been a terrible mom and grandma and that she has put me in shity situations 2x in a week and she said sorry so much and told me not to tell her it was ok but to please just take it. I told her thank you. I know she is going through a lot with her mom being gone so I don't blame her but I am just sad & I want to be happy but I feel so alone. I have little c and my mom and a few friends and for that I am grateful but there is this part of me that I can not get a hold of that is SO desperately lonely!! Why can't I just allow myself to feel hurt even if I got an apology? I now just feel so bad because she is hurting. God I hate that I do not allow myself to just "be" with me and in my own world.
I have or was so "up" last week with the whole Christmas time thing but now I feel so down and I just want to cuddle up with little C and be away from the rest of the world. I want no contact with anyone. I want to laugh and cry and be angry and throw some damn eggs at the most hated person in my life...........C's dad!
This has NOTHING to do with him but I just want to do it!
I have tomorrow off of work because little C has a Dr. appt which I hate but it is his 3yr check up and we have to do it......... He is gonna have to get shots and that just makes me sick to think about. I am also going to talk to his Dr. about him being tested for diabetes, I'm terrified to have that done but at this point I KNOW it needs to be....Wish us luck in negative test results please.
Ok I hate this, I want to delete this post because now I feel horrible for even writing it!!!! I want to be able to be ok and sit with my feeling but I really don't think it is possible!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
My Bestest Friend!!!!!!
Truly he is......he really really is!
Best friends, I have been really trying to find the meaning of one and I have realized a best friend is there for you no matter what, they love you no matter what, they listen to you no matter what......well as much as a 3 y/o can, they hug you and kiss you and tell you your my best friend momma. Little C is that to me, he loves me no matter how happy, sad, lonely, angry, excited, tired, and lame I am. I have never had the connection I have with him with anyone else in my life, and it makes me so feel like I can go on in life knowing that he is my one true forever best friend.
I love you bubba!
I'm feeling ok today I guess, it's raining out WHICH I HATE, so that is a bit depressing and my weight is kakakakakakakakaka!!! SO freaking huge, I swear if I stop engaging I gain in no time at all and it freaking sucks!
I think I'm in a bit of a depression mixed with a odd sense of nothingness (is that even a word) what I mean by this is I feel really empty sort of at a place where I want to feel but it's just not happening!
I'm sick with bronchitis and my head is all foggy maybe that is part of it but I'm not really sure. I was talking to my mom last night and telling her that right now I am not feeling like doing anything except hanging with little C, I don't want to go out I don't want to see anyone else I don't want to do anything but hang with him. Maybe that's a good thing but I also feel like I need grownups in my life also! ERRRRRRRRRR whats a single mom to do!
Ok this is kind of gross but my clinic smells like hot dogs and it is seriously making my want to vomit! It's to early for that disgusting smell. Sorry that was totally off but it was what was in my head. That right there should tell you where I'm at right now.
SO I was listening to this radio morning show that I listen to every morning, and yesterday they really pissed me off. They were talking about anorexic and bulimics being not human! FUCK THEM!
Ok I will post later busy day at work! But I wanted to tell you how much I love and treasure all of you!
xo Lauren
Monday, December 3, 2007
I love this picture!!
Christmas, are you kidding me....................22 days ugh!!! Actually I am really excited about it. I took little C to play in the snow on Sat, it was at someones house and ended up being a great time, he had never seen snow before but my god I was impressed... He jumped on the board and totally was ready to try snow boarding, he is freaking 3....No fear I tell ya! NONE!!!!
This weekend, was ok, not very exciting, but pretty relaxing. I had a good weekend as far as engaging is concerned, only a couple of times which is so much better than it has been.
I feel like right now engaging is the only way I am going to pull through this holiday season with no sadness!
I'm so lonely right now, not so much in the man department, that part I really don't care about but as far as the friends part goes, I'm so not into mine, I have one gf, who I feel like I try so much with and I keep getting blown off for some reason. Who knows, and honestly I don't care..........Ok I'm lying I do care and I do miss her but my god wtf. Something weird happened with her and I last night and I have been really annoyed about it. I could careless who any of my friends date but when they totally blow off their gf's that is just fucked. I don't get people who do that. Then they want you to be there when they are hurting. I'm over not knowing who my true friend are. I swear I feel like other than my roomie I have none,, ok I'm totally lying!!! I'm at work and I cannot answer my phone at this moment however as I was writing that, Carla was calling and I so wanted to pick up,,,I wish my boss would just leave!!!!! I love you guys, I know where my real friends are in this world...they are all right here........
I'm sad and don't want to vent anymore!
How can this time of year be so damn confusing!
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