Judgemental Bitch!

I feel so dizzy today! I swear I almost just passed out in my bosses office!! She totally freaked out! It is so weird because I slept so great last night and I was totally awake but now all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and nap for the next 12 hours!
So I totally fought off the strongest urge to b/p this am I was so happy but now I'm having to deal with it again and not so sure I can make it threw this one. I hate my shit.
So last night was so scary but by god I did it! I went to my first group in 5 years, I walked in feeling really worried and very judgemental but while sitting there something happened and I felt this small weight lift off of me and I was able to breathe a bit and opened up to where I was and who was around me. Very nice people to say the least I felt so welcomed, nothing to say but that's ok it will take time, I'm just glad that I went and want to go back, there is another one I'm going to go to on Monday so I will fill you in on how that one goes. One thing I have to admit which I'm so embarrassed to is that most of the people there were very over weight and that is what I was feeling judgemental about, I thought that I would have nothing in common with them but as I listened to them talk it was amazing I began for the first time ever to realize that all this ed shit is one big disease no matter who it happens to or what kind someone suffers from it is all one huge pile of poo, and we are all going through our own shit no matter what. I have never thought about it like that because I have been so wrapped up in my world of ed and did not honestly believe that I had any room to deal with anymore but I totally do and that is why I think this blogging has helped me so much, I love all of the comments I get from all of you and I love that there are other people who can understand me and who give me the encouragement that I have gotten from others but I never listened to because they had no idea what they were talking about, but you all do, you get the REAL me and that feels so good! Thank you guys!!!
I feel really emotional right now I want to cry and I am so freaked about meeting my new therapist today! I don't even know what to think, my mind is racing and I feel like I am losing it a bit! I have not put anything in my body today because I'm so scared the scale will go up and they will not believe that I have an ed and that I'm just fine, freak....what would I do?
Little C and I had a really peaceful night which was good, we so needed that. God I love when he crawls into bed with me and we snuggle bunny, that's what we call it... He is my heart and when he grabs my face and kisses me I completely love life, but I also hate myself because I feel like a huge lier and that is all I am lately! I need to b/p so freaking bad right now!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish I had a life line who knew me! Really knew me.
My gf E has been dealing with purging for several years now and it comes up for her every once in awhile but it is hard to talk to her because sometimes I feel like it is a competition for her, to be sicker or I don't know it is just hard!!! No one knows what to say to me when I call and try to talk myself threw this life of hell!
Ugh 3:30 is coming way to fast.....I'M TERRIFIED!