Soccer is so awesome!!!! I'm hooked.
Went and watched Mexico and Ecuador play last night and it was the coolest thing ever! I have never seen so much excitement and support than what Mexico had! We had suite tickets and that was amazing also I have never done anything like that. F took me and honestly we had alot of fun together, just hanging and not talking about anything heavy.
I woke up yesterday at like 4:30 and was really sick, once again over did it on the lax and really paid the price, I was vomiting for hours. Needless to say I did not go into work luckily it was my other job and that one is not so important.
My dad became so worried for the first time, it actually got on my nerves. He kept telling me to call the dr and said that if I didn't he would. He has actually been on the phone with my mom who he never talks to alot in the past few weeks. I know he was also making calls to Stanford for there ed program he seems very persistent on me going into IP but there is no way! I'm fine, I actually need to lose a few more lbs. Shoot Im starting to wonder if I even have an ed or if I am just a total out cast to both worlds. I think I take things people say to personal.
Whatever
I feel like I weigh so much today! Freaking fat ass.
So something happened with F last night which is really good, he told be that he was going to withdraw himself from the picture because he did not want to be "that person" meaning the one to cause me any more stress, god he bugged me so bad but now I kinda miss him!! haha that is what I do, its terrible!
He got me a few books last night I started one today its called Lighting Up pretty good so far!! Oh well time will tell, that and me getting some help.
Ok I'm tired and I'm done for now
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13 comments:
Ok, you do have an ED, bigtime. You do need to go to IP, and you are not fine. Please Lauren, do it for Little C!!! Please please please!!!
I cannot imagine leaving him for any amout of time ff! It scares me and Im scared his dad will find out and try to take him!
That does sound pretty scary, Lauren. It also sounds really scary how serious your ED is. What will it take? Can't little C stay with your dad while you are IP? You CANNOT DIE.
I want to be really clear about one thing, really super-loud-clear: everyone's bodies handles this differently. You might not think you're skinny enough or sick enough to "have an ED" and your body might think something else entirely. How sick you have been is a really big body signal that ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Please don't wait too long.
love, ae
p.s. i'm SO sorry if I'm who made you feel like you don't belong anywhere--you know I'd never want that, right? You are completely a part of this community, no matter where you are at with your ED. No matter what.
ae- NO NO NO it was not you! I had a conversation with someone yesterday and it has been playing in my mind all day!!
I feel fine after all is over, I really do and that is what I go by!
My dad has already said that they would take c I just cannot leave him!!
I don't want to die!!
love lauren
oh, I'm so glad we're okay. I would hate to be part of making you feel like that.
I'm so concerned about you--please take care of yourself. Please find good help. You have been so supportive of everyone else here, and it would be great to see you get a little of that too.
love,
ae
Lauren you are such a sweet person. I hope you can find a way to get some help because you deserve to be healthy and happy!
lauren,
I know what it's like, that feeling of being an outsider to all the worlds you encounter...I'm sorry you're feeling that way.
It's so NOT in my place to say, "yes, you have an ED" or "No, you don't have an ED" - and really, if it's just a label, what does it matter? You're hurting. You're sick. The ones that love you the most are concerned about you.
I apologize if I'm overstepping my boundaries. But you sound sick, sweetheart. And I look at that photo of your most beautiful baby boy, the close up of him sleeping, and then I read how badly you are hurting and also how sick your body is, and that's made me really kind of teary this evening.
My mom had anorexia. I was older, so I was very aware that I might lose her. It affected me so tremendously, on a level that I'm aware of, as well as deep down inside. I grew up not trusting that she'd be there for me. I know your baby, at least right now, as he's young, he may not consciously know that you are sick, he may not be aware that he could lose you...but somehow, on a subconscious or energetic level, he knows you're hurting. Our babies know us too well. You can't hide it from him, I bet. And the amount of love your dad shows you is really touching, also. I know it's hard, and I hear how you both want that love and also get really bothered by the people that are wanting or trying to help you. (I hope you don't get bugged that I'm writing so much and being so bossy with you tonight -- gosh, I must have the bossy thing in my blood today...)
Anyway, lauren, your support and presence in this community is really helpful, you always bring a smile to my face. I hope you get the help you deserve, because I hear how much you love that boy of yours, and he deserves to have a fully healthy mommy.
with love
lulu
Thank you for your concern lulu, your comments make me smile as well and I agree that I think little c has a clue that his mom is not ok and that is the last thing I want because I have so many issues from when I was your and the last thing I want is for him to go through what I have, I also know that I am sick but I am having a problem with admitting it to anyone, bad day yesterday some times I just have a hard time figuring out where I'm comfortable in my life. I took all you said with an open mind and I thank you again for your for sharing about you mom, I know where you are coming from with that because I to have a parent has had to fight with anorexia as well, it sucks to see and is really an eye opener, i just wish it never would have hit me!
Take lulu and thank you
love lauren
sarah, thank you so much for visiting and your concern,
xoxo lauren
Hi Lauren-
As I've said on my blog, I grew up with my mom having anorexia/bulimia. While I didn't know what an ED was, I always sensed something was wrong with mommy. My dad made her get help so she could be healthy. If you can't do it on your own, IP may be the answer. Can you try a day program if you can't go IP?
Have a great weekend!
I'm so glad to read that babe. You'll be back before you know it, in full force, being the great mom you already are, but even better!!! Lucky Little C!!
Love
Frida
Your so sweet to me ff!!!
love lauren
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