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First School Picture!
My little man is so BIG
Papa and Little C
Sharing Popcorn and kisses
Little C
In deep thought "What song should I perform next"?
my angel sleeeeeeeeping
he is so good at that
Two of my heros
Little C and my Daddy
8 comments:
what did you fail at? B/P?
Of course, It's daily!!! I hate the guilt
xo
you are NOT a failure, Lauren! You are about to do something really scary by going to therapy and you've been fighting the urge all day. Think back to times when you wouldn't even try to fight it--you have come so far!
You know, my symptoms get worse before and after therapy, especially first visits, often. It happens. You were bold and honest enough to come back here and let us know it happened this time. That is so huge.
You can do this, I just know it. Like I was just saying to WOM, this is not something that suddenly stops or happens overnight. We do it by stopping in the middle, by holding off a little longer, by doing it just one less time. That's it. And it happens so slowly, so barely noticeable, that we don't even always know it's happening. That's what makes it real. And lasting.
Best wishes for an awesome therapy appt. I'm thinking of you.
love,
ae
oh, and p.s., love the new color scheme!!
ae, I love the way you look at situations, you make it seem so simple, but I make it so difficult. I know in the next hour and 1/2 I'm going to go crazy but after reading I feel like it is a bit more ok for me to feel the way I am feeling.... thank you for all your support!
haha the color thing happened by accident but hey what the hell,,I like purple!!!
love lauren
Lauren,
I hope I didn't make it sound simple like I think it's easy to stop--I KNOW it's not easy to stop. I just really meant that I believe you are on your way and these little moments where you do wait a little longer or try something brave like seeing a new therapist add up. I really believe they do.
Reading your post today reminded me of something that happened this summer. I flew to CA to see the one therapist I was willing to let in on the ED thing--the only person I felt I could trust with this. I hadn't seen her in a few years and I really love and respect this woman.
Before I was supposed to go to her office (I was staying with a friend and home alone in her house) I ripped apart her cabinets, eating all kinds of crap, feeling panicked and so upset. The next day before our second appt I did the same thing. When I got to her office the first time, I walked around outside--paced around--called 3 friends, almost hyperventilated and started crying--all BEFORE the actual appointment.
I believe that our EDs can be very effective ways of protecting ourselves from many kinds of pain. The idea that someone might tamper with that is one of the scariest thoughts ever, and in those cases it makes sense for our "defensive shield"--our EDs--to get ready to do some serious battle. They might really act up. For me, when I binge I quit having really deep feelings, so I was eating so that I wouldn't "go there" in therapy the way I needed to.
What you did this morning, by holding off with the b/p, was super brave. Really. And your ED knows something is up. And as F'ed up as it seems, it sounds like it's trying to protect you. What a wonderful thing for it to WANT to do--to bad it just doesn't help anymore. Even thinking that you need to lose weight today--that's ED talking--it is just trying to distract/protect you from what might happen in counseling.
You are such a brave, strong woman to resist it enough to show up in therapy, b/p or not.
I want the best for you.
love,
ae
ae,
first off I do not in anyway want you to think that I took what you said in the wrong way! I completely understood what you were saying and I want you to know that the fact that you take the time that you do to read my posts and understand me makes me feel so good. I take all you say in and I honestly have received so of the best advice ever from you, so thank you. And mostly thank you for sharing that story with me makes me feel a little less nurotic (uh is that how you spell it haha)Please continue to put up with me!!!
love lauren
XOXO
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