Did I really just admit that? ERRR

Dreams.............. They are by far the oddest thing. I love them most of the time but last nights was way to weird for me. There I was sitting at this amazing restaurant with F the completely overwhelming man that told me he was so in love with me just after a couple of weeks, anyways there we were having this meal when he all of the sudden pulled out the most beautiful diamond ring that I have ever seen. He gave this incredible little spiel and asked me to marry him. WTF I said YES. Funniest part was that after he asked all I remember was looking at the ring over and over loving how huge it was. Bitch!! Is that terrible and what in the hell can this dream mean? DO I keep fighting off the nicest and most amazing man I have ever met because he is completely overwhelming? Or do I allow something to happen? I don't know,,,,,,,, all I know is that I'm totally confused. My dad told me that I need to back off and stop being the man all the time. He said that he raised me to be too independent and that sometimes I need to allow someone to take care of me. I don't think I can do that though because all that brings me back to the same feeling I felt when I would be in the hospital and all of my rights as a human being were taken away. I hate depending on others. I'm strong I can do it all by myself or can I? He is the only man I have told anything thing to about my health and what I told him was so very little. He told me that he would be there for me no matter what! Treatment or whatever! Why on earth would someone offer that? Has he completely lost his freaking mind?
I beginning to wonder if reading some of the blogs that I have been reading have been giving me ideas on b/p. Not that I need them, but food ideas! Different purge items. Easier things, things that I never even ate nor wanted to really! Is that sick or what? Gawd I sure have a lot of questions in this post. I hope and pray that my post are not doing that to someone. Maybe that is why it is better not to write about certain kinds of food. Whatever Lauren.... I need to take responsibility for my own actions and I think that saying that was just trying to put it off onto others. SORRY!

So last night went really great with my little man. I did not yell once and guess what it was 10x more effective in getting things across to him. We did do the naughty stool a few times but it felt so good to be back in the swing of being a good mom. I think I just need to be persistent in my parenting which I tend to not do because sometimes it is easier to just give in and give him what he wants instead of hearing the temper tantrum. Being a single mom is so much more difficult that I ever thought. Not that this is the way it was supposed to be because it so was not. Little C was 100% planned. He is the best gift I could have ever imagined even if he does draw on my couches which by the way I have tried everything no luck so far! Anyways what I was getting at originally was that I tend to be lazy I guess at times. I hate seeing him cry even if he does get over on me!
He has slept in his new bed 2 nights in a row now although last night he came into my room to snuggle which I have to admit was so nice because I have missed having him with me. Although it is nice to spread out too. I sent his father a few pictures of him the other day by email, not sure what I was expecting in return maybe a thank you but hell no... no reply at all figures! The last time he saw little C was in June for Fathers Day. Ha whatever "ironic don't ya think"! He did send me a text on Christmas and called on Thanksgiving but only because he had been arrested the night before and was feeling guilty. He said that the ball was rolling and that he loves C and would be making an effort to change!! LIER!!! He cannot even get a job, so I guess you can see by that, that he is in the hole almost 10,000 dollars in child support! Lucky me! To bad I will never see a penny of that!
Ok so I am starting to feel really bad about something that has been going on with me for a really long time however I have not admitted it in any post yet because I'm so embarrassed about it! Not sure why because many ed people do it but it is so horrible to admit. Well here goes.....Errr I don't even want to type it!!!! Well what do I have to lose? I abuse laxatives. There I said it!! Way to many actually, and I have for a very very long time. I seem to be staying at the same amount on a daily basis which is ok I guess well maybe not ok but better than having the number go up! I swear though it would be a hell of a lot cheaper If I started smoking that's for sure. I get the worst sleep at night because my sorry self is in the bathroom more than I'm in bed! Maybe that is the reason for these terrible bags and circles around my eyes!
Pathetic simply put I'm pathetic!
I want to stop really I do but I'm way to scared to even try because all that means to me is weight gain and all I think about when I think weight gain is summer. God I'm lame! Every thing I put into my mouth I swear I will keep down however it rarely happens! Although last night I started to get scared and went and had a few bites of something and MADE myself go to bed. I was feeling like complete shit and new my body needed SOMETHING.... ANYTHING!! Today has been ok I guess only 1 episode which is not as bad as the last few days. Don't really have time today so what happens in return is I fail to eat at all!
Ok I'm done for today I hate what I wrote, makes me so sad to think C has these genetics! God I hope he stays healthy!