Can we say "INTERVENTION"

Feelings for Thursday March 15th:
Tired
Sad
Angry as hell
Pathetic
Weak
Guilty
Fat Fat Fat
in love with little C
angry
angry
embarrassed
huge
foggy
ugly
disgusting
hopeful

Ok that is it for now my head is so full of so much I cannot even begin to describe.
I want to cut off all my hair! No I'm not pulling a Brittney I just want it off, it is so long and dead and I hate it! But I'm scared I will look even fatter if I do!!
SO Tuesday night I went to my dads after work and guess what......my whole freaking family was there, did I call it or what? I'm still in shock that it came down to this. I heard it all, actually it was better than expected. I think it was what I really needed. Just to bad it took my car being fucked up to have it happen.
So you would really think that with this happening maybe just maybe I would have cut back a bit but no such luck in fact it has been worse well maybe not worse but definitely not better.
My dad told me that he wanted me to come stay with him for the next few weeks until I start to get this under a bit of control which is really my intention. He said that he wanted to me to not be alone anymore and wanted to help me as much as possible with little C. I told him I wanted to think about it some more well over the weekend and he said for me to take my time but not to much time. I hate making my family feel so terrible it drives me nuts.
I have cried so much in the last 2 days that if the lax have not dehydrated me then the loss of tears sure has.
So on the positive side I went to do my orientation with the VA yesterday and will have a therapist by Tues! Thank god. I'm actually thinking about getting back on some kind of med. Obviously I need it. I'm just so tired of being so consumed I want to change I just hope I can do it. Not sure how it is gonna happen other than 1 step at a time and maybe I need to...........never mind who the hell knows how I'm going to do this but shit but little C is so worth living for. I have fallen so fast and If I don't get up now then I don't know if I will.
I'm feeling really blurry right now! After purging this afternoon I seriously felt like I was going to pass out. I drank some Pepsi and felt ok after a few but my god it was weird.
While getting ready for work this morning I was sitting in my under stuff and for the first time in months I loved how my collar bones looked. They were totally sticking out. How sick is that? But it made me feel like my actions were finally getting me somewhere. Crapy time for this to happen, right when I need to turn my shit around.
I just talked to one of my best friends and she is 20 weeks prego and just had her ultrasound and the told her 85% chance it is a girl!!! I was smiling so big. It is the funniest thing though, 3 of my gf's are total tom boys and they are all having girls and my other friend and I are total girly girls and we had boys! What the hell! I guess that is how it works. I swear when I found out I was having a boy I was like "what the f am I gonna do with a boy" it was so funny, I was so scared. I know all the girls stuff and I knew nothing about little smelly boys. Now on the other hand I know plenty and am learning more everyday! I took the sweetest picture of him sleeping this am, I'm gonna post it. He makes me melt!
So back to the fam......If stuff gets worse then it is back to IP for me.......I'm not gonna let that happen again! Not for anything.
Hey guess what, I asked F to be my date on a double for St. Patty's day with my gf E and her date...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH What am I thinking?? I'll never know!!! He is slowly but surely moving his way into me and my life!

Ok on to bigger issues......When the hell is Sanjaya gonna get his ass kicked off of the show!!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR American he SUCKS!! Great hair but he sucks!!!!