I swear just when I start to feel ok, not great just ok, all shit goes down the damn tube!!! SO I have been looking forward to today for awhile because I have had plans to go see the Sharks for like 3 months with my girlfriend N who is a total hockey freak. I have never been to a game so really it is all her and I have talked about for weeks.
Well this morning I get up like every other freaking morning and get ready for work. All seems ok that is until I drop C off at daycare and stop off to get my daily sugar free Red Bull! I get back into my car and head out when all of the sudden I'm sitting in the middle of the street completely connected to the back end of some guys pickup!!!! COME ON GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
We are standing in the middle of the road and the guy gets out of his car and yells what were you looking at???? I started to cry so hard I could barely talk. Then a cop pulls up and yells at both of us for being in the middle of the road and I start crying even more as if it is possible! We pull our cars over and the man comes over to me and starts being totally nice, we exchange info and file a report, long story short of course. I call my dad totally upset and he calms me down and says that we will take care of everything. I'm so freaking depressed I cannot even begin to explain. Thank god for insurance!!
I'm such a gosh darn pathetic fat ass.
When will this nightmare end?
I'm gonna be 30 this year and I'm a sorry piece of shit single mom who has to run to her daddy every time something happens because there is no way I'm gonna be able to afford this.
What really sucks is that today my dad called me back and said that he wants me to come over to his house to talk about what my options are.....what the f does that mean? I know part of it is about my health and my god I just don't know what to do!!
I want to go home get a blanket and crawl under my bed and stay there!!!
I must be the most pathetic mom out there, not must.... I am!!!
I'm so sorry little c!!!
I cannot stop crying, the tears will not quit falling, why why why~~~
I felt so pathetic last night. At one point I had eaten dinner and of course ran to the toilet right after but while I was in the middle of purging I could hear my neighbors outside talking and laughing, so I stood up and looked out and saw like 6 people all hanging out drinking, having a smoke and laughing there asses off and there I was tank top and boxers, hair in a ponytail, bloodshot eyes with tears falling out vomiting my life away or my dinner I guess! God I just want to laugh and smile and eat a meal like a normal person with no worries about gaining a damn lb. which I lost another by the way!! WTF! I need to get my shit together and be a good mom and stop being so freaking selfish!! Little C I'm so sorry!!!!!!! I cannot say it enough! Thank god you don't know this part of me!
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2 comments:
oh Lauren, I am so sad for how hard you are trying right now and how much you are struggling. You are NOT pathetic!! You obviously love your son a lot, just like your folks love you a lot. There is NOTHING wrong with having a close relationship with your dad and asking him for help. Good parents help their kids, end of story, and you sound like you could use a hand right now.
I want so much more for you than this. I really believe that you can turn this around. Not only do I believe it, but I will see it! I can't wait for you to find the strength to purge just a little less, beat yourself up just a little less, and celebrate you and what a great mom you are a whole lot more.
love,
ae
Thank you ae,
I am trying so hard not to completely lose it right now!! Your words really mean alot! Im greatful that you care.
love lauren
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