AHHHHHHHHH Exhale! I did it!

"Hi Lauren" That was what the Dr. said to me as I walked in the door....How the hell did she know that I was Lauren? There are like 10 Dr.s that work there how did she know that I was Lauren? Do I really look that bad? Or maybe she knew I would be the fatty making her way in to talk about my over eating addiction hah nothing would surprise me lately.
So I shook her hand and walked back into her office, I sat down and honestly felt all of the skin on my entire body fall asleep, (actually that happens quite often) nerves maybe.
So she sat there and stared at me for awhile well maybe like 30 sec but it felt like FOREVER.
Anyways she basically started going into the whole IP t hing, I swear it felt like my parents had been there before me but no that is just the way these VA docs work I guess, I told her there way no way I was going IP because I cannot afford to lose my job and my home and all else so we decided that we were going to talk to a few docs at Stanford to find one that may work for me and them as well, team effort she said!!
I did not talk for shit which I guess is ok because I really had nothing to say although I did cry like a big freaking baby the whole time! I got really upset when she asked me to get on the scale, I have no problem weighing myself alone but for someone else to see it just pisses me off, nosey!
I decided that I wanted to go ahead and give the wonderful drug Prozac another try so tonight I will start that, Actually that is the only thing that I feel ok about. I'm tired of crying and at the same time I'm tired of feeling nothing at all, I hate seeing others get upset about me and me feel nothing! Maybe the Prozac will get me where I need to be emotionally! I just need to take it...UGH!
I'm just glad that first visit is now over, now who the hell knows but I at least took a step. Hey JG if you read this take that first step, you know its the hardest but by far the best decision to make.
Last night I went with my mom to go hear this amazing Jazz group that we have somewhat become groupies to and it was so what I needed, my mom was relaxed and we were able to just sit back have a glass of wine and enjoy the night, my treat for me.
Today well so far so good, although I got on the scale and I'm down yet another lb, honestly I was sooooooo happy, I got all excited, and now I want to lose more!!!
UGH I was at my tanning salon 2 days ago and was reading this magazine and it was an old one with a picture of Nicole Richie on the cover, I'm sure most of you saw the picture I and talking about she is wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and is either running or walking not sure... but all I kept think while looking at that picture was "that is what I want to look like"!!! And in my heart I do......
I have a patient to check in i just want a nap!!!!!
Just checked my horoscope for today and this is what it said!!!!!
Libra
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)As illogical as it sounds, your heavy mood can be lightened by heavy thoughts. If you face whatever is troubling you and process it with as much honesty as you can, your worries will eventually fade away to nothing. But if you ignore the fact that something is wrong in your life, the problem will never be resolved! It will stick around, waiting to get your attention -- and it can wait forever if need be. Think things through today, and you'll feel better tomorrow.
I never read these things........WTF