1.5 lbs......... How is it possible that I gained that???? Oh my god this is going to be so hard. How am I ever gonna begin to get any better if I cannot stay off the scale and allow myself to gain some weight? I wanna cry at that sight. Ed's are such a double edged sword. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I feel like my stomach rolls are just hanging over my scrubs. I hate elastic waste bands, no I hate being fat, it it wasn't for that then the waste bands would not be an issue!
I feel like I'm on such a roller coaster one day I feel positive the next I feel fat ugly and like I want to hide. I decided I'm going to start going to the tanning bed again today, maybe I just need that fake and bake to get my head out of this funk.. I wish it was just that simple.
I went to have dinner with my mom last night, I picked up sushi and we ate with little C. I kept it down for really as long as I could do it until it became out of control and I purged, I felt like such a loser, my mom totally knew it to. I hate doing this to her. She told me last night that when I was living with her there were times when I was taking the Lax and she sooooo know ( no explanation needed I hope) and she said she would want to come and yell and scream at me and other times where she would just cry herself back to sleep. I felt like the worst daughter ever.
I got a phone call last night from my girlfriend who is prego and said she was having a girl and come to find out they did another ultrasound and surprise surprise there is no little girl inside of that belly!!! hahahaha She was so excited!!! His name will be Jacob Zane. I love it!
I am trying to keep myself around people as much as possible but to be honest with you they are all starting to get on my damn nerves................... I'm such a bitch!
My boss that drives me crazy and leaves early every day just came and had a total break down to me, I felt so bad. I had nothing to say to her, I just told her that she needs to take care of herself more. I suck at good advice.
Not looking forward to this weekend very much but whatever I just hope things go well on my double date. SO nervous and not sure how I'm gonna pull of the purge thing with 3 other people there and 2 of them know my shit!!! I hate that this all came out!! I want to be alone in my ED not out and weak which is what has happened!!!
I'M SO BLOATED!!!!! I want to take a needle and pop! I hate this
My poop beautiful jeep is still sitting in my dads driveway all broken, makes me want to cry,,,but by golly what doesn't lately!
Hopefully it will go to the shop on Monday or Tuesday!!!! IT BETTER I miss Priscilla... haha I love naming my cars!!!
Well I may return later today but I have so much to do so if not I'm wishing all of you an amazing and peaceful weekend and most of all Happy St Patricks Day!!!
With love Lauren!
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7 comments:
Hey Lauren,
Sorry you're feeling crappy. I know exactly how you're feeling though. I am so sick of feeling this way, yet I'm not sick enough of it to do anything about it. I just want to be skinny!!
You, my dear, are very thin. I wish you could see it. Oh how I wish you could see it. :( Makes me sad that you can't.
Hope you have a good weekend.
PTC......I know what you mean I feel like it is not about anything else in the world other than wanting to be skinny!!!!!!!!
ERRRRRRRR this crapy cycle!
lauren
I know. How can we be so selfish and stupid?? We should be so grateful for what we have.
I can so relate. I get so motivated one day and the next it's over. I can't even tell what I look like anymore. Yesterday I felt so fat and disgusting and had a bad day ED-wise.
Today I saw myself and think I look like I'm starving to death. What? I don't know how this changes. Just looking at home much you weigh should tell you you need to put weight on. Logically, we know this. It is still hard though.
I'm really hoping you don't purge tomorrow. Can you tell F you need support? Have a great time.
Hey Babe, you are not a loser! We all slip, it's part of recovery. Keep moving forward.
Love
Frida
Lauren,
I did not forget about you!! It's hard for me to pick an essence for you, so I narrowed it down and you will make the final choice--fair?
BTW, if you really want to get this you can usually find them at natural food/health stores. They are not "medicinal" so it won't hurt you if we don't pick the "right" one. (Of course, if you pick with your heart, it will always be right. Just go with your first impulse.) You don't even have to ingest them, though I usually do. You can put a drop on your skin or in your water or on your pillow--wherever! And it's important to think about the POSITIVE OUTCOME you want when you do it.
so, I'm just going to put one little description of each and you pick the one that you just have a "hit" that it's right. Then I'll type up that whole description for you (it's too much info to type up for all of them).
I can't say this enough: don't overthink it! Just see what immediately "feels" right.
1. Chestnut bud: aids in understanding errors from past experiences, releases repetetive behaviors.
2. Agrimony: to stop "stuffing" emotions, for the turbulent sea under calm waters. When you avoid being alone and use substances to escape pain.
3. Crab Apple: for feelings of shame, uncleanliness, poor self image. To learn acceptance.
4. Pine: Never satisfied with self, blame self for not doing better. Teaches self-acceptance and releases guilt. When you feel like you don't get it right, even if you're praised.
love,
ae
ae,
That is the best info ever, now all
I need to do is find away how to combined all of them to make the mixture for me!!! UGH well I'm going today or tomorrow, before my meeting again ugh!!!
THank you so much for doing that for me I really appericate it so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love lauren
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