So I got a phone call this am from and apartment building that I have been trying to get into off and on for over a year now and the woman lets just call her an angel said to me that there will be a 2 bedroom open in 3 to 4 weeks.....
So that is the good and with the good comes the bad.....
First I have to interview with them which I am not to worried about however my credit due to Little C's dad and of course me is not the best however my rental history is great.
Second this means moving again which may/is a good thing but it brings on a ton of stress for me which right now not sure I can physically handle. Guess I will bring that up in T tomorrow.
Third and WORST OF ALL this means having to talk with my roomie, which brings on its own full load of stress because I would be leaving her with a VERY high rent to pay alone which I don't know if she can handle and not so sure what it will do to our friendship and that scares me but I also know that little C's and my happiness is what HAS to come first.
SO much to think about but I think I will put it behind me right now until I do my interview and they give me an answer.
Eating.........well that is an issue in itself. Yesterday was not good at all and the worst part is that I took some ambein from my mom and also smoke& which put me into a binge stage and I ate more and kept it down due to the situation I was in, 1/4 box of crackers, 4 pieces of string cheese and 2 cookies, ick it makes me totally sick to even see that, that amount of food was and is in my body right now!!!
NOT OK!
I hate my weight right now.
I hate putting on clothes that are anything other than my scrubs or a tee shirt and undies which trust me is such an ugly sight right now! I feel like there is nothing but huge rolls staring at me when I get in the shower I am constantly checking at the gap between my thighs (sorry if TMI but its my blog and I have to vent right???)
to make sure it is big enough and that my legs are not touching. I hate the constant battle that is always going on in my head.
I just got off the phone with my step mom and thank god she was there for me to vent. I told her that yesterday when I was driving home from work I could not get the thought of just simply going to sleep and not waking up out of me and what it felt like for me. I know it hurt her because I told her that little C is the only reason why I would not do anything like that but that the feeling is still there and sometimes it is so fucking strong. I know this is not what others want to hear and may be triggering to some and for that I'm sorry but I have no way out right now. I just need these triggers that are in my life right now to go away. I seriously cannot even think about my ed sometimes, sometimes I just have to "go with it" and let it be there because once I think about it, I physically feel like I am going to fall into a million pieces at just the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.
Can that really be the reason why I was put on this earth???? To suffer the fate of a life long eating disorder?
I know I'm here to be the best mom I can for little C but god how do I do that if I cannot take care of my own health. The worst part is, is that I am so over sensitive to him and his eating and health, poor little man has a neurotic lady for his momma.
I am so blessed to have him, I do know that but I feel like he deserves so much more than me.
Ugh I wish my T appt was today my jaw is killing me and I don't know what to do to stop the pain.........It is crazy how stress can effect our bodies the way it does.
I need some input if you don't mind on me printing out a few of my blogs for my therapist to see, she wants to get a good idea of where I'm at and I'm scared she will freak if she really knows the "real truth"??
Help me decide please!!!
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7 comments:
You got a lot going on lady. Wish I was closer...But you know I'm more than willing to drive over and help you move! Just a 6 pack and some smokes! LOL I work cheap and am deceivingly strong.
All I can say about the Ambian is PLEASE be careful. I actually think this would be a good post to talk with her about. Maybe not print this one out and show her, but maybe bring up some of the stressers you mentioned. As for the ones you think you might want to share with her, just go through your posts, the ones that tug at you the most would be a great place to start...I would think ;-)
It will all work out sistah. I know you don't want to hear that now, but it will. You're gonna get to where you need to be.
Please call/text if you need a friend.
Hiya Jade, SO sorry I have not responded to your texts lately, I have just been so overwhelmed and I think you are able to tell by now that I withdrawl when that happens. Thank you for your input and constant support! Lots of love to you!!!!!
xo
Go for it, but always remember you are your own best healer!
Get a sweet kiss. And cheer up.
You're totally right, you need to put yours and little C's life first and take care of yourselves. Moving, especially after reading your last post, seems like a good thing.
Moving is the best option...your roomate will just have to cope. I hope you're feeling better about yourself...you are so beautiful H you really are. And girl, you are thin. Please see that.
Love
FF
Hey L,
Sorry I haven't been by in a while. I have been totally wrapped up in my own shit! You are having a lot of things happen right now. I was overwhelmed just reading them. I think if you can get the apt. then you should totally take it and that awkward convo you have to have with the roommate...well it is going to suck, but I always try to reward myself with like....a hot bath or a nice glass of vino after I do something hard. Hopefully you will do the same for yourself!. As for the credit check, I totally hear ya Chicky. I always see that as quantification of my self-worth, I hope you will not do this. You are a single mom for god sakes! You are raising a child on your own and you are doing it with grace and class:)
I hope all is going well and BTW you are gorgeous!!
xoxox
Sole
Reading this I so relate to where I was this time last year--everything was overwhelming and I felt like one thing after another kept hitting me. When your in that zone the ED is what it is. Sometimes life is too overwhelming to fight it--but sweetie PLEASE know you are not eating that much. You really aren't. It is OK to nourish yourself.
I hope you can find the courage to print a few blog posts for her. I can only imagine how nerve-racking that would be to expose that part of you, but I think it will help.
You have a lot to live for, sweetie, it is just hard to see right now. You've been through so much, know that we're here and we value you.
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