Sorry took so long

I have been sitting here for what seems like forever at work wondering how I was going to ever blog about last weeks appt, so please excuse the bla bla bla.

SO I met with my T and I cannot tell you how high the anxiety was, my legs were going 1000 mph and there was no end in site. I was there 20 minutes early so basically I walked outside for a few smoke breaks only because I thought I would lose my mind sitting in that freezing office.

Dr. J came out of her office and asked me to come in.
I sat there and started to talk with her when all of the sudden my P came into the room. Dr...L it was the first time I have ever met her even though she has been giving me my meds for over a year now.
I liked her right off the bat, very sweet and listened to me and my concerns. She only stayed for a bit and then I was left with my T to continue talking. I brought out my posting that I had printed out for her to read. She did something that I was not expecting, she asked me if she wanted me to have her read them out loud or if I wanted to....I was a bit stunned because I though she would just read them in some free time that she may have but I decided that since I was there I might as well read them, shit they are my writings right?
Well BIG mistake, I cried through the whole thing. It is crazy how reading so VERY personal stuff can make you realize how fucked up someone really is.
We talked about what I had written and a few other things, and she asked me a question that I have been asked so many times,,,,,,"since my legs were moving so fast" she asked "If my legs could say how they were feeling what would they say?"
I said anxiety and anger............... We did not go into it a whole lot, guess she just wanted me to be aware of it, which I was.
We talked about my TMJ alot and I actually did not get to see the TMJ Dr. that day, so that was a bit disappointing. However I was given an appt with him which I actually had this am.
I think the main reasons why I have not wanted to post about it was for 2 things, 1 being that, I felt VERY exposed in giving such personal info out and putting myself out there which we all know I hate doing and 2 because she made a comment to me that has been really hard for me to process. She was talking about going back to basics and she stated that if she was to look at me today she was not looking at me as if I had an ED. I automatically took that as great I am a big fat fuck and then I thought about it more and realized that she meant it as she wanted to deal with the TMJ because she felt that no one had ever focused on that and my chronic pain and that having such a huge thing to do with my ed. I have been going over that comment over and over and have not decided what I want to do with it, but I guess that is ok as long as I an not ignoring it.
It all in all was a really good appt and even though I feel/felt that way I still bp'd when I left. Stress reliever I guess.
I went in and met with her and the TMJ specialist this am and basically did an overview of my TMJ and how it ties in so much with my mia.
I had done alot of the stuff that he went over before but I told him that I have nothing to lose so I was willing to give him a shot. I will see him again next week as well as my T. Actually looking forward to it.
I was not surprised at all but she did ask me to weigh again when I saw her last week which I AGAIN refused to do. I will not do it, I don't care if they kick me out of the program just won't do it! I will not allow anyone know my weight. I weigh so rarely that I don't even want to know it.
Ok that's basically it on the 2 T appts.
As far as other stuff, well had an odd weekend, since I have been feeling so exposed lately I have also been very withdrawn, not into talking very much which is ok I guess because I don't have to if I don't want to.
Easting has been shit. Other than some string cheese and a few pieces of chocolate here and there I do not keep anything down that I eat. No meals ever, unless I am completely out of the option to purge.
I don't feel like my weight has been effected I guess the morning chocolate milk and coffee with lots of cream is keeping it pretty much stable!
C and I went to a movie which was pretty fun, and challenging considering he likes to run up and down the isles and push on others seats.
Also my roomie was gone all weekend and just got back last night so it was really quiet and CLEAN around my house....Thank god because I really don't know how much longer I can deal with the mess that her and her kids make, don't get me wrong I let C make a mess and play with his toys but I am also a freak so I clean them up as soon as he is done.. SO OCD I GUESS!!!!!
I'm sick of making dinner for her kids and doing their dishes and having to help with baths and freaking cleaning up after them all the time... Shit I'm not their mom. My roomie is a slob and puts shit off to the last minute. I have left her dirty dishes in the sink for almost 2 days and I wanted to lose my mind I HAD to wash them and it made me so angry. I just cannot deal with filth.............
I HATE IT!
I'm must sound like such a fun person to live with......That is just why I have to live alone. Little C is a bit of a slob but that is only 1 little one and we work together cleaning up and with meals. I love taking care and cooking for him but I don't love doing it for someone else's kids.....
I hate thinking of telling her about moving but the truth is she makes over a thousand dollars more than I do a month and gets child support..... I get nothing extra from anyone, and I deal, not great but I deal, and she complains all the time about how broke she is. How is that possible.... God I hope I feel better after getting this out because I want to pull out my hair right now.
I have not seen her kids since last Tuesday night and I only have to deal with them tonight,,,,, thank god... Little C is going to my parents tomorrow afternoon until Friday because I have an RN class to go to for the program and then my interview Thursday am with my dad and it is to hard to get him up and out to daycare so early.
I will be staying at my moms so I do not have to hear them scream at the top of their lungs all night. These little men have the highest pitch voices EVER!!! Little c tries to copy them when they do it and it makes me cringe.......... Thank go he takes after his mommy and has a total and completely raspy voice.
Ok well this is long enough for now and you are all probably bored to tears,,,sorry for that!!!!!