Spent Saturday at this amazing party, and here are some pictures of where it was.
I talked to dg before going and really thought it was something I could handle but to no surprise to me I spent most of the day in the bathroom.
I'm in the middle of a complete and total meltdown and don't know where or what to do. There are tears in my eyes all the time. Anyone ever just simply want to be loved???? Not fucking strings attached! I know I am from my family which helps a bit but I also know that they know that I am starting to crash. I need to get a fucking grip before I no longer want to deal......Confession time. I took way to many ambein the other night, not with the intention to die because I know in my heart that I would be fine but I just did not want to deal. Thank god the next am I flushed them down the toilet.
I want affection I want to be held and mostly I want someone to love me-for me- not for this person who is sick with mia and ana and who cannot seem to even "be" anymore. I want to not hold onto this secret that I have that is tearing me up inside but I know that if it ever came to light to the people I care about the most I would be completely cut off!
What is a woman to do? I have asked myself that question so many times and still NO answer.
I am terrified about my T appt on Thursday because I know that they will want me on the scale and I just can't to it. I WON'T do it!
God I tend to think I am so good at faking it but the reality is I fucking suck!
I hate living where I do. I actually went home from work right after I got here yesterday and picked up C early to spend some time with him and as soon as my roomie,(bless her heart she has been amazing) got home with the little ones, I lost it! It is not her it is not the kids it is the fact that I cannot handle 3 of them when all there is, is yelling and fighting all night long. I'm in bed at freaking 8pm every night just to get some time with little C and then him and I argue over the whole no juice at bed time that my parents are on my ass about all the time (potty training is a bitch).
My weight is up and I'm quiting the Prozac, there is just no way I will gain the weight back!! No fucking way!
Then to top off today I get to work only to hear that a patient of ours who was on vacation in Florida passed away last night. WTF?? I cannot handle or deal with anymore of this!
8 comments:
Darn ... you're worrying me ... how come you are so full of ups and downs on your life ... pretty face like you should be living with sunshine always in your heart and crystal clear on the brains ... is everyone where you live f***** blind? Such a blonde deserves to be cheerished, just like a rose by the raindrops.
Come on, sis, put those bones shaling and show the world that no one messes with you!
oh, sweet sister lauren, oh, oh, oh, I feel your pain and I'm so scared for you. I want you to find someone who you feel you can trust, who you can work with and get healthy again. It makes me so sad to hear you struggling like this. I wish I could just come over and beat the crap out of ana and mia and tell them to step the fuck away from my ferociously fierce and foxy and amazing friend.
You are so great, woman, inside and out, and, more than anything, you deserve to know and feel love, both from deep deep down inside yourself as well as from someone else loving you.
Please take care, sweetheart. I care about you.
love, lulu
lauren...you do it. You reach into that glorious heart of yours and you do it. You are stronger than you know.
sweeties...you are this planet for you...you be happy, chase it, hold it and don't let anyone make you unhappy. I believe in you to take this world...it's yours. you can do anything you want... :D
I heart you babes.
Honey,
I'm so sorry the party was hard. You are going through so much right now, it is understandable. Please know you are RIGHT on for feeling like you do, for wanting to be loved. You deserve it, you are worthy of it, you just haven't found anyone worthy of YOU yet.
I remember after my break-up taking sleeping pills and thinking, it would really be OK if I don't wake up God, it really would. Sweetie, I DON'T feel that way now. This is the hardest part, but I know you have the strength to get through it.
I'm praying daily for you. PLEASE call me if you have another night like that. I will pray with you. No matter what time of night.
God is holding on to you too, he is . Even if you let go, he won't.
I adore you--wish you could get away for a few days and come to Texas!
DG
Hey Lauren,
Is coming off the prozac really a good idea??? Hmmm... think about it.
I hope you're feeling better today. I don't know what to say. Oh, your T weighs you??
You're definitely stronger than you realize girly. I know you're told that all the time, and means nothing in the middle of what feels like a melt down.
I heard something the other day that has kind of been echoing in my head since, I heard "you can't appreciate the sweet in life unless you have some sour mixed in" Now I know there are some of us out there that have had a damn big dose of sour, but, we also have had sweet.
You dropped into my life during a very sour time and have become something sweet. Little things keep us a float during these times.
I'm also trying to catch you daily with a text, not to pressure you to talk, or communicate, but to let you know I love you, for you. :-*
honey . . . I really think if you give the Prozac some time to kick in you will be surprised. Please make that investment in yourself! I love you and am here for you my sweet sister.
xoxo
Sarah
Your so pretty ...so pretty like a flower...I understand the smile default my face has on too...miss you ..hey i may be moving to CA..how cool is that ...neighbor...Robert
Post a Comment