Sorry not a positive post!!!!
Just take it as a bit O caution!
Not a good night as far as eating goes......
I got home and did my normal mom stuff, dinner for the boys, playtime, baths, and movie with c before bed all while not having a bite to eat,,,(pizza was dinner) can you believe that one????
Well I laid C down at like 8 and it took awhile for him to fall asleep so I did not get up until like 9:30-9:45. I went into the living room and sat on the couch like a big fat cow and started catching up on my last 2 episodes of Big Brother an Bad Girls Club, when all of the sudden I realized I was hungry and that there was 1 piece of pizza left.
Of course I fought the idea for what seemed like forever and then decided I could eat it, but what ended up happening is that it took me 2 hours to fucking eat it!! What the hell?? And the whole time I was sitting there staring at it thinking "shit can I take another bite or will that be the bite that is going to make me gain 10 effing lbs? I wanted to shove it in my HUGE face so many times and then go into a HUGE b/p episode however that really is not so possible with my roomie there so I just had to sit with it ALL NIGHT LONG!
I drove me crazy.... It is still driving me crazy! What is the freaking deal people??????
Why can I not eat a simple 5 inch slice of pizza without being so horrible to myself?
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
God I feel like I have made no stinking progress in the last 16 years......All the treatment for what?
All the time in the hospital for what?
All the therapy for what?
All the pain I have gone through for what?
All the pain and money I have put my family through for what?
The only answer I have is C.....that is it. Simply my little c!
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9 comments:
hi love,
I know it's hard right now. Keep doing your best. It will ease up again, if you keep trying. You do know what's right for you, and for little C...you're so capable of this. Remember you can have help!
love,
ea (yeah, did that just for you)
Patterns are hard to break hun. You're aware though..thats the good thing. You're aware of your thoughts. Some are oblivious to their own thoughts. There is a little light in the dark there..even if you can't see it.
Much love to you girl. Stay strong and keep writing!
The last line said it all. Girl, we have to keep trying to make this situation with our EDs right...for our little ones, they deserve it, even when we don't feel like we deserve, they ALWAYS deserve it.
Love you lots,
Frida
xoxo
Hey L,
The point is you managed to eat it and not to purge. Good for you. I guess therapy did something right? I mean you are still ALIVE, you can maintain a job, have and care for a child, AND you are still fighting.....therapy got you something right? And as for what you put your family through, family is for the good and the bad times, plus you gave them little C!
I know you are having a hard time, but don't lose sight of all the wonderful things you are and have done!
xo
SOle
I wish I had the right words, but try to disassociate the evil ED voice that tells you one piece of pizza is not OK from yourself. It isn't you, you aren't a failure or any of those things. That evil voice is a devil, a demon, a sickness that has no right to invade your beautiful life.
That piece of pizza is OK. It is just fine. And you are too. I so wish you had some better options for outpatient therapy there.
And oh, how I wish this was easier.
Love you,
DG
"sitting with it" sucks, (as does the term) but it is so much better for you than what you wanted to do!
Hum ... my little girl is feeling bad again? come on, stop with it. You know you're a great person, you know you have friends there for you and you know you have Little C ... so, why worry?
So so so wish I could quint but it is just NOT that simple!
oh, lauren...i hear you girl.
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