Done

So sorry for the delay, I know you have been waiting on my update from yesterday so here it is.............
8:00am I met my Dr. and honestly it went SOOOOO much better than I thought it was going to. I got like an hour and 1/2 sleep Sunday night because my anxiety was SO over the top and I had the worst monkey mind ever.
We talked for a bit and I basically gave her a run down on what has been going on and she put me back on the Prozac,,,,,gonna try to do it but not sure I can! And she also put me on an anti anxiety mad for my attacks!
I am going to meet with her and also a TMJ specialist who deals with depression and TMJ. Dr. J told me that she thinks that even if I did not have an ed she thinks that the chronic pain can and probably has caused some of my depression. It was good to have someone get that I really do have chronic pain and that there is going to be something we can do about it.
Today has been an ok day, only one slip-up so far so I guess that is better than 5 right?
~I feel really tired but on the same hand I have this excitement in me that keeps me going and thank you to my special friend for that.~
Thoughts of M are pretty much few and far between which I am working so hard on because I in no way do I want to deal with it at all!!! My mom keeps telling me how strong and brave I am but, I keep telling her (she is going thru a break up also) that she is the strong one at least she is talking aand dealing with it even if it is overwelming to hear it all the time because it is such a reminder that M and I are really done and that I believe no matter what he said or the tears he shed that he did not give a flying fuck about me!
I have decided that it is better for me right now not to even deal with it because all I will do is judge myself due to the issue of his daughter and I simply will not allow anyone to put me in a situation where I judge myself. I have enough to deal with.
I feel like the only reason why I want to take the Prozac is so that I can completely numb myself out from any feelings but I don't want to take it because I know what it does to me and I know that I will lose some of my urges to engage and I do not want to allow anything to take those choices from me......f'd up I know but hey I have come to realize that is just me! Take it or leave it.

Little C and I had a great Easter, we went to my aunts house, she lives in the "country" horses and all and we had a beautiful outside Easter dinner, we did a few different easter egg hunts which was so much fun!!!! I love my bubba so much it hurts!
I engaged which was difficult but man all of this holiday food has been killing me! Only thing I seem to be able to keep down in this damn chocolate which is all over the place and it makes no sense that I keep chocolate down!!! I hate it but like purging I just cannot seem to stop!!!
Dr. J, I told her about my blog and she asked me if I would bring in some of my postings so that she can get some sort of an idea about where I am at with everything, I said that I would think about it! I hate therapy I feel so pathetic about having to go why can't I just deal without help???. She thinks it is a good idea to see an ed specialist which I think is good too but only because I said I did not think it was necessary and when I say that stuff I know that those are the most important things to look at!!!
Ok time for more chocolate peanut m&m's!!!