I cannot and do not even have an answer to this question. I have been have been doing a lot of thinking about the subject and have been realizing how much I miss my life as a very young child, pre divorce of course. My family was exactly what you would call a "normal family" well if you add in the Jehovah's Witness stuff!
I miss feeling safe and protected by something other than my ed.
How did I get here?
Is it my fault?
Is there someone who is to blame?
When did it actually begin?
Was it all those force feeding?
Was it the feeling of neglect at 7 years old from both my parents maybe neglect is the wrong word, maybe its left behind?
Was it being told my mom and I were going to die and be taken to concentration camps because of our beliefs?
JW shit!
Was it feeling like I had to protect every ones feeling, and forget about mine at 7 years old?
God just typing this makes me cry?
I wish I could be able to do it all over again, I think maybe little c is me being able to do it all over again. I want so much more for him then what I went through.
For the first time in months I tried to call his dad this am, not sure why but I wanted to go off and tell him what a fucking looser he is and how the only good thing he has ever done what to fuck me the night my amazing little man came to be, I don't know what I wanted to say but I know it was not going to be nice!
Looking at this picture of him makes me feel like just maybe I'm doing something right for the first time. Could this be true or am I secretly ruining his life with my selfish fucked up mind?
So many of you have posted about what you have experienced with your own families as I have and I see so well how our actions effect our children and I cannot let this ed do that to us!
10 comments:
oh Lauren.
I know, it hurts. It really, really hurts.
And I believe, truly I do, that by letting that real stuff hurt, the stuff that bogs us down now will get lighter.
I am so sorry that you didn't know what it was like to feel carefree. You deserved to. We all did.
i love you.
ae
ae- you are so right I just wish it was eaiser for us all to deal and maybe just maybe we could have delt with it in a more productive way, live and learn and experience I guess, mukes us what we are and dammit we are amazing!
I love you too sweetie!
Lauren
I hope just writing all that out helped somehow. It's a lot of emotion.
I also hoped writing it out helped. I find it does for me.
I wish I had some answers . . . I know it hurts.
I'm here.
You're not alone, sweet sista.
xoxo
Sarah
ooohh the innocence of early childhood. How I love it and wish I could figure out how to package it and keep it forever...(I'd be mighty rich, right??)
One thing that helps me is trying to pick out the moments and feelings I miss and cherish and trying to celebrate them. Right now I have a photo of myself from christmas eve when I was six years old, proudly posing with my huge, new dollhouse. It was one of the happiest evenings of my life! Sometimes just looking at the photo makes me smile. I loooved crafts as a child, and I've been setting aside some time to do more arty things lately, and it does bring a sense of calmness. hope you can hold onto something special from the really early years. xoxoxo
Oh, Lauren. I can really feel you in this post. I know you are doing the right thing, and I'm glad you're knowing it too. Lots of love, Tara
Lauren,
You are doing the best you can as a human and as a mom.
Period.
I can only imagine that you want Little C to have the safety and security you would have wished YOU had. That's a really good thing. You don't have to be perfect, Lauren.
Will Little C have his quirks and issues and dilemmas? Yep. I don't care who raises him. Jesus had God as one of his freaking parents, and I'm sure he had issues.
I miss that feeling of security, too, of knowing that everything would be okay and I would be safe and protected. I don't know what to do about that.
xoCarrieox
It's not your fault. Keep working on getting better and loving that little boy unconditionally! That's all children really need.
I'm sorry that you didn't have what you needed when you were growing up.
It sounds like you are loving your little guy completely - the most important thing.
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