What I want but am so terrified of!

The last two days have been really difficult for me as far as my ED is concerned, I have realized I am 100% completely in love with it, but in a weird way, I ache for it daily, it is the only time I feel safe anymore, I cry for it all the time and that is when I fall. I have been listening to this song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie and it finally clicked to me that it said everything that I feel for my ed and everything I want to say to but feel that I am just to weak to do, so this post today is me trying to say it for the first time to any of you out there who may read.
This is me "HEIDI" not fucking" Lauren" the real me crying and screaming and yelling with all my might to anyone or no one that will listen!!

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

Like your little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine, Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

Love to all of you!
Today I sit hear completely open and vulnerable please hold my hand

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Twenty years from now you will be more
disappointed by the things that you
didn't do than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.

-Mark Twain
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