Texas take care of Sweet C!

Need to get my freaking feelings out and I CAN'T!
I don't know where to begin!
Basically LONELY!
Sad
and pissed that I get myself into situations I have NO control over.
Last nights dinner date with C was AMAZING! Sweetest man I cannot even begin to explain.
Why is it so in my head that I need to have a man in my life? Seriously I could not find a better man than C if I tried. When I got there it was a feeling I cannot explain, it definitely put perspective into my STUFF with Mr. Wrong that for f'ing sure.
C and I talked all night, about the past the future and the fact that the next time we see each other I would be the unavailable one. In going to see him I thought NOT FOR ONE SECOND that there would be feelings involved or that he had other intentions. They were all very sweet and innocent but they were there. He is in a marriage where she threatens divorce all the time and since they have a 5 y/o he feels like this is something that he has to do for his son. Not once did he say anything negative about his wife which I was happy about!
He has not changed at all in 11 years, I was hoping I had but he said no, which felt a bit like poo because that means my weight must look like it did then which SUCKS!
HE is beautiful. Definitely inside and out!
Amazing father and someone I wanted to melt into and I knew that was not something I could do because of being in our situation. I asked him if his wife knew that we were hanging out and he said no but that he wanted to tell her.
I cannot keep doing this to myself. What I need to do is have no life what-so-ever other than little C.
This really is my best option not that I don't want to do it because god knows I love my little man more than anything however I want to be loved so badly. I want to not feel that hurt from C's dad and all the other shity men I have let into my life.
I feel like such a crazy man freak, and I hate it, people always say when your not looking that is when it will happen but f that I don't buy that for a second.
C is on plane back to Texas as we speak, (saddened)!
He said that he may be back out next months again, what do I do with that, god knows it would be a mistake if we met up again, because I know he would only be going to this conference to see me.
All the great ones are taken I swear!
Whatever!
SO my last post of not wanting to blog really is something I am struggling with today, feeling a bit alone even in this world, not due to anyone but due to the fact that I am uncomfortable in my one writing and not able to express due to feeling ashamed about everything I do even if it is just taking a sip of something. Sounds stupid I know but maybe that is just where my head is at. Someone stated to me in an email that they would love to see me chill a bit......at first I did not know how to to take that message but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I would like as well, I just don't fucking know how to! Whenever I feel any sense of relief that is when I start to fall the hardest because there is no constant drama to keep my mind from focusing on this damn ed! I fear being sick and I live my day to day life being that way, how and what kind of sense does that make? None to me.
I'm tired of complaining, actually I'm so sick of it simply put SICK OF IT!!!!
What IS wrong with me, there are so many people out there with REAL issues REAL reasons to be where that are and my are fucking pathetic. I want to be happy with me but I want it to be under my own conditions. I do not want to run people away from reading my stuff, but shit why should that even be an issue dammit this is my place to come and vent right? If people choose not to read that that is ok who am I to make a decision or be butt hurt about it! The reason why I write is not only for me and to vent but to also let others know they are not alone and that is what I have found here, so why am I questioning this so much! Lazy.....Maybe.
As for now this is where I'm at!