Sushi Boy, Mr. D, Blogger, ALL

Ok frida........He called hahahahahahahahahaha Holla!
Yep Sushi boy called.
Had a great conversation and he told me that since I had brought a guy into the bar that he was working at before he thought that I had a boyfriend or else he would have given me his number. (WTF Hawaii Really)?
Ugh, so even with that phone call I still was having a hard time with Mr. S. Maybe I am just freaking horny (oh my god dirty bitch)haha.
I think I'm just really lonely!
Today's feelings~
Tired
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Guilty
F'ing fat as all get out!
Scared
Lonely
Guilty
Guilty
Guilty
Happy
Excited
God I'm all over the place.
I went to the VA yesterday to book an appt with the therapist that I saw a few years ago and waiting on a call from her. As soon as I left something hit me (Binge,Purge) thoughts,,,,Heavy ones.
I pulled into a parking lot of a place I used to go all the time and sat there picturing what I would order and how much and where I would purge. I got completely freaked out and left. I think it was just the thought of therapy that threw me off.
I have b/p alot here and there but never was I as pulled to engage the way I was at that moment! After I left I called my momma and told her what happened and all of the sudden when I was talking to her I had the deepest feeling of sadness and I broke down to her, I swear this damn ed is the love of my life, as well and the one thing that wants me dead more than anything! Fuck skinny it wants me dead. I don't want to die, not just for little c but for me, I have to believe there is more to life than this.
I think mostly I'm just feeling this huge sense of loss every time I cannot/do not engage in behaviors.

So my patient will call him Mr. D came in yesterday and it was so freaking sad, Dr. F told him that they would try 2 weeks of hemo dialysis in the in center and if he did not start feeling better then he wanted him to consider Hospices which we all know what that means, "die with no pain"!
He is such a little fighter, his will to live blows me away completely! He came in wearing his best dress shirt and slacks with his nice little dress shoes. I could tell just by looking at him how shity he felt, and when I asked he confirmed with no delay. I got his weight and he was 6 kg over his dry weight which means he is basically carrying around 12 lbs of fluid that is not coming off during dialysis. He could barely walk down the hall his daughter and I had to help him make it to his chair! I was so pissed off at my Dr. all day and he could tell, he would go out of his way to make comments to me (sweet ones) but I was just not hearing it. I want you to live Mr. D!!!!!!!!!!
Or Dr. so has that damn little mans syndrome SOOOOOO BADLY
Well he is only 5 foot nothing and so I guess he has to compensate where he can! ha
That experience may have also been a contributing factor.
And please do not tell me that I did a good job in not purging because as soon as I got home I did. I f'ing suck. So much for feeling like I beat the demon.
Will I ever~
Ok and just because I need to get this out this one needs caps~ I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH A FELLOW BLOGGER, I'M SURE YOU ARE NOT READING THIS..... BUT NEED TO SAY LADIES I LOVE YOU ALL, ANYWAYS NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I FELT SO BLOWN OFF AND USED FOR MY FEELINGS. MY CARE FOR THIS PERSON WAS AGAIN I SAY "WAS" SO REAL, THEY JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE WITH ANY KIND OF DECENCY, PULL YOU IN PUSH YOU AWAY OVER AND OVER, MAKE ME FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND THEN ACT LIKE AN ASS HOLE WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT BE A FRIEND! I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR BECAUSE GOD KNOWS YOU NEED TO.
ok enough energy wasted there!
I feel guilty for writing that but it has been weighing on me for weeks and now today i feel like i can let it go for good!
that was so hard for me to do and no one plese feel the need to comment on it, i just had to let go!