I hate this post already, I'm sickened by it and by myself! I had the best weekend with my momma for her birthday, so many laughs, wine, beer, peddlers fair, hugs, and quality time, did quite well with my b/ping had a hard time but overcame for the most part. and then it happened, ok have to back about a month or so, I was out with my gf and her ex husband showed up, we had tons to drink not that that is ever an excuse but alcohol and hormones are a terrible combo......Anyways lets just call him S, well we were talking alot which we always do when we see each other and somehow not to sure how but somehow it came up that we had both had a crush I guess you could say for quite a long time, (God I hate myself) so the night went on and we talked about it a bit more and he made a comment about how he would so love to rip my dress off right there, I had no comment to that but in my SICK head I was thinking OMG PLEASE DO!! (I hate myself) SO nothing happened in fact I have not seen him since and yesterday I got a text from him and he wanted to call me and talk he said it was no biggie and just wanted to see how things were, so stupid me called him, (BIG MISTAKE HUGE) We started talking and things were said (I hate me) Nothing to bad but stuff that a REAL friend would and should not even think about. Now he keeps sending me messages about wanting to see me and I'm having the hardest time ever saying no. (i hate me)!!!! WTF is wrong with me, never have I felt judged by any of you but in writing this down I feel judgement and I know it is so well deserved. I feel guilty as I should and I have told him that, Noting has happened but I guess that really does not matter because if I were a true friend I would never do this. What is wrong with me???? I think my feelings are so out of whack because I know this is a situation with no strings attached and I feel so safe with that but I also know it is by far so NOT right!
I have purged so many times today and I know its all stress and guilt. I was with this gf last night and there daughter whom I love so much and it made me sick to even look at myself in the mirror! Not only have I gained 3,000 lbs but I'm a terrible fucking person. I'm need to say this out loud or I will die. I do not expect anyone who reads my blog to understand me or try to console me because I do not deserve it for even a second.
I need help and any advice that one can give me, I NEVER want to hurt my gf and I think this would piss her off so bad, please(higher power) give me strength to deal with this in a correct way! Never once have I done something like this and I am so f'ing angry with myself, but yet I cannot seem to find the strength to say no!
I really do hate me right now and it does not help the fact that I have no therapist to turn to for help and advice when god knows I do not need that to make the right decision because I already know what that is!
Just fucking do it Heidi say NO!
ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I want to run away, and I have NO ONE to spill to, NO ONE but my amazing friends here who I fear of loosing so much because of this post!
I'm so sorry I have become that person, the one women hate, and do not trust and, never want to call a friend, that person who people talk about behind there backs and who people say "See she's the kind of person who gives women a bad name"!
I want to be the complete opposite and I thought I was but fuck I guess I am the kind of person who no one wants to be like! I have always been taught to not be this person. God LISA where are you! I hate this! F you Heidi F you and you f'ing ED!
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6 comments:
hi lauren.
here I am. not judging, not one bit.
I still love you every bit as much. maybe more, for sharing this vulnerable side with me.
I can tell you that I've been in similar situations.
I can tell you that I've done worse.
I can tell you that I really do think I know what you're feeling.
You don't have to purge, sweetheart. You really don't. You can take care of yourself.
Coming here and sharing this with us is a big step. People have told me that when I write about my shameful experiences, it lessens their grip and their hold - and it really has seemed like that's the truth.
Where is Lisa, by the way? Is there a reason you can't see her right now? It seems like with all that's going on it might be really nice to have a safe person to talk with...
Sending you so much love, Lauren. You can do this. You can take care of yourself. You are a beautiful, bright, funny, supportive, amazingly loving human being.
with love, so much.
lulu
My sweet sister,
If anyone talked about you the way you talked about yourself in this post I would kick the living shit out of them! Please take a breath, and another one, and just breathe in and out. Slow and easy. I'm right here with you, just breathing.
We all have done things we're ashamed of. When I think of the things I have done in the past, I just shudder. But all we can do is our best today. One day at a time.
Honey what has happened to Lisa? I think you should get back in touch with her if there's any way you can.
And remember that if you've been purging so much you might be feeling out of whack that way, too, honey.
Please try to get some rest, honey, and let that little boy remind you what a good person you are, and how much he loves you.
I'm here for you sweetheart.
xoxo
Sarah
Lauren,
No one will judge you here.
I read this post. I do not hate you. At all. I respect your honesty and bravery in sharing what you did.
I think what might help is taking a few deep breaths and figuring out where to go from here. Just because you always said yes in the past doesn't mean you have to do so now. Block his phone number.
We all do dumb stuff, things we regret and wish had never happened. I hate that I can't change the past.
Hang in there. Keep blogging. It's healthy purging. I barf emotions all over my blog. Give little C a hug from his Aunt Carrie. ;)
Me too sweetheart. Me too. You are not a monster. You are not being judged by me. You are incredibly brave to post this.
We're here hon.
We're here.
xo
Faith
That's what is great about this place-no judgment. Lauren you deserve so much better than a guy like this, but TRUST ME I totally get the temptation and why it is so hard to say no. The ED tells us we are not desired/beautiful/wanted and when someone comes around (even in a completely selfish, f'ed up way) we are drawn to it.
Realistically, tell yourself that it is definitely NOT going to turn out to be fun, no-strings attached. It will cause people pain, especially you! Talk to your therapist, us, and consider telling your friend... that is a tough one though.
Hang in there sweetie. Prayers of strength and calm are yours.
You are NOT a terrible person. So many people have been in this situation, including myself...it's a tough one. But by NO means does it make you any of those terrible things you said about yourself!!! Don't you forget it!
Love
Frida
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