Pizza is so not my friend!

I just ate 3 freaking pieces and on purpose had no fluids just so I knew I would keep it down, ERRRRRR this is so hard. I ordered it last night knowing I was going to b/p and did and ordered it for lunch knowing I was going to do the same however when it arrived I had a change of heart. Not sure where it came from just might have been all the strength I felt today in reading all of your posts. SO thank you for that....ALL OF YOU!
I'm feeling kind of lonely today, and at the same time really satisfied. I'm wearing scrubs which can work either way but today they are working in a most positive way. Not hating myself even though those 3 pieces of pizza were about 8,0000000000 calories (wow is that even a number)?
My throat is hurting and has been for the last few days, god I swear everytime I make out it hurts, must be those 50,000 germs that we carry around in us and not really caring when it comes to sucking face with another person who is carrying the same GROSS! ICK YUCK
Oh well temporary satisfaction is usually a plus for me!

I was thinking about what I wrote about little c's father and have been really judging myself because of it! I mean what makes me a better person than he is, I definitely have my own addictions that I struggle with and at the same time I would NEVER leave my little man! I AM a better person than he is dammit, I have to believe that and let that be the truth because no matter what, little C is my world and should be his too! I hate the way I compare myself to others and how I always seem to come in last place with them, its not fair, I should be able to love me with no conditions and I just am not able to feel like I deserve it! I want to stop this madness and move forward I DO but I am so FUCKING scared to do it, to let go, to trust in me, to have faith that others will be there for me and will not leave me at the sense of some very allowed weakness. BUT how do I even begin to see that when I have living proof of the opposite, my own effing sister for example, I have to tell you what I did last week. Ok a few months ago right before I went into treatment I posted about my sister giving me a watch that had been left to her from my aunt who had killed herself, I stated how much it meant to me and how special I felt that my sister had told me that not everything had to end like that and that she knew I had the strength to overcome this, well I GAVE IT BACK! Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not and not sure if it was just me needing to get in the last word with her or show her how much I hated her and the way she has treated me and made me believe that I was actually special and meaningful in her life but in any case it went home to her! I know the watch was my aunts and part of that felt so special to me but the truth of the matter is that it meant more to her as did my aunt, my aunt always treated her like the special one and the one who was better and deserved more love, it was a told tale that my mom loved me more so my aunt I think tried to make up for then when actually my mom loved my sister just as much however the connection was just so different, my sister was an extremely difficult child and showed it to my mom every chance she got, not sure why but that was just how she was....God not sure how I ended up here just alot of monkey mind today! Im gonna quit because I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.
Bored at work so I'm gonna watch Dodge Ball...I need to laugh and let this pizza settle!